After my breakup with my ex boyfriend (we'll call him "Judas"), I didn't expect for us to really breakup. I thought we were in our terrible two stage or something where we had our basic up's and down's in our first year being together, and then it got a little intense in our second year together. Being that I saw potential in this relationship, I had high hopes that Judas and I could have made it. Judas was the first man I had ever really felt something intensely deep for. I was in a 5 year relationship prior to Judas. I knew I loved him too. But, it wasn't the same powerful and gratifying feeling I had for Judas.
When I met Judas, we quickly connected. We clicked by joking on eachother and dancing the night away on a cold and rainy March night. We exchanged numbers and 2 weeks later, I was in his bed. It was supposed to be just a one night thing. Especially, because I was undecisive about my ex before Judas. We had broken up 3 months before me meeting Judas.
When I walked into his room, we wasted no time. <adult content snipped>
We spent days and nights together. We shared our deepest secrets, cried and had many therapeutic conversations. He was amazing. He got me. He took me out of a dark place I was in, especially after being in such a dysfunctional relationship for 5 years with a man who wasn't right for me. He helped me get up and see the light. He brought joy and laughter back in my life. I loved him.
Although, he helped me out a lot, financially and emotionally, I realized many patterns of his that I wasn't feeling. He was a pathological liar. Like, he lied about being a Firefighter and even played a fire alarm on YouTube a few times when he worked his night shifts at his REAL JOB as a Concierge in a Brooklyn Condominium just so that I believed he was a real Firefighter. Who the heck does that? Thankfully, his ex girlfriend of 5 years told me the truth and warned me that he indeed was a pathological liar and was going to hurt me like he did to her.
This was a girl who pushed him to be the man he reaped into being with me, but not entirely. All his truths now became questionable from there on. Our relationship was done the moment I laid back into his bed the first night. From him romancing his co-worker and skyping with her, to changing her name to a restaurant name on his phone, to lying about his marital status, to lying about where he was, to what he was doing and threatening me that he was going to break my jaw because of my jealous outbreaks. Everything was a lie. His lies were a part of him. A sickening disease that in my opinion, will never be cured.
But none of this stopped me from wanting him still. I always saw the potential in him. I wanted the good in him forever. But my nagging, questioning, and snooping around definitely pushed him away from me. He became mean, frustrated and verbally and emotionally abusive. I had to leave. And when I did, I had hope he would change and chase me. He didn't. He let me go and as quickly as that happened, he quickly moved on to his next relationship. That was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to face in a really long time.
To see the man you love be with another woman bothered me. But it didn't kill me. It actually made me stronger and gave me a chance to redefine my life and find my dignity as a woman again. I sometimes wondered what would've happened if I listened to his ex and others about what I was getting myself into. But I don't regret it. While he is preying on his next victim, he let me go to give me a chance to find someone better... Me.
Thank goodness your eggs and his seeds never got close enough for conception. Congratulations on allowing an unborn soul to stay safe and sound, sleeping peacefully in the arms of ever-joyful, heavenly angels... I am glad you you found yourSelf… even though it happened through the school of rather hard knocks.
Your story warns others.
Another thing to lean from this story is this:
Its hard to know someone right away.
When you have sex with someone you don't really know, (mostly a physical attraction in the beginning), you falsely assume its Love.
A. For many reasons. Probably most are based on psychological reasons, (such as loneliness, boredom, escape from home, escape from responsibilities, escape from self, no hopes dreams ambitions of one's own and etc.) but one basic reason involves pure biology:
The sex center and the love center within the brain are right next to each other. The benefit of this close proximity (In typical people) is the longevity of the relationship, so that the relationship will endure (at least) long enough to raise offspring. So, when you jump into bed with someone whom you don't know, you fall in love with him/her. Ah the agony. So, My advice is to get to know the person you are attracted to before you jump prematurely to the sex part. Fall in love with the real person…
Keep in mind:
That person might become your baby's mother or father! If the person is crazy crazy, Heaven Help You All!
SharonDiazXii, Hopefully your post will be a lesson to many women out there who choose to ignore "red flags" because they see "potential" in a man or hope he will "change".
Just looking at your own statements: "It was supposed to be just a one night thing." (Whenever it's good it's hard not to go back for seconds, thirds, and so on.) Therefore it pays to be selective and take the time to get to know someone before having sex with them. Young people in particular have a hard time separating great sex from being in love.
"Thankfully, his ex girlfriend of 5 years told me the truth and (warned me) that he indeed was a pathological liar and was going to hurt me like he did to her. " "His lies were a part of him. A sickening disease that in my opinion, will never be cured....But (none of this stopped me) from wanting him still. I always saw the (potential) in him. I wanted the good in him forever" You don't love him! You loved who you thought he was!
"It actually made me stronger and gave me a chance to redefine my life and find my dignity as a woman again."
Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself. If something does not feel right to you then it's probably not right for you. Even with all his lies and cheating it's sad that (he) had to be the one to dump you!
Asking a liar not to lie or a cheater not to cheat is the same thing as asking them not be themselves! Instead of investing time and emotion hoping that someone will "change" you are far better off using that time to find someone who (already is) the kind of person you want to be with!
I made that the central theme of my book:
My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)
http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Rel … 1468104721
Best of luck!
Wow! Thank you! It's wonderful to get someone from the "outside" to tell it how it is. I do hope that my forums bring warnings and comfort to women who are going through or have gone through it. I will be sure to pick up your book! Thanks so much again!
My mother says that all the time! Luckily, I left that relationship with nothing of his. I will be posting more forums though. Some about him, because he doesn't entirely step out of my life right away. I'll write about "rebounds", awful dates and stories, etc. It all sums up to my growth and standards I've placed for myself. Hope you continue to read!
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