My good friend "Anna" is getting married again. The trouble is the groom to be is the same guy that left her at the altar seven years earlier. I remember that day so clearly because I was the maid of honor. I stood there and saw my friend shattered to pieces when she got the text from him saying he changed his mind and run off with some Russian Skater girl. She was beyond devastated and I was on suicide watch duty 24/7 and for four years she was inconsolable. Just when her life started to piece back together, this jerk shows up and BSs his way into her heart and he proposed to her and she said yes. She has asked me to be maid of honor but I have refused because I can't witness another massacre.
Now our friendship is sour because she says am jealous that she's getting married and I don't want her to be happy, which is so untrue. I want her to be happy but she won't be with this bozzo. I don't know what she sees in him. He's one of these extremely bad boys who cant hold a job and chases anything with a skirt. Have I done the right thing turning down the MOH role?? She's a great friend and I don't want to lose our friendship. How do I fix this?
It could be she has low self esteem and unresolved issues with her fiance. It's so unfortunate that he came back before she got a chance to become independent, confident and realize she doesn't need him.
When a person get's their heart broken they go through several phases. First, it's disbelief, then denial, then a sort of despair as it sinks in. Then they get to a point where they start to rationalize what happened and even defends the heart breaker. Some people even blames themselves. After that, they hope and wish that the person would come back and I think that's the point where the guy caught her.
I have been there so I know the phases. the good thing was that I got a chance to get past these phases before the guy came back so when he did I could say "no". Trust me, the heart breaker ALWAYS returns.
On the friendship part, I would not give up on her. She is still vulnerable and that is why she believes this guy loves her and she is willing to marry him. You never know, maybe he learned his lesson and have changed. People do grow up. It's been seven years. He could have realized that he loves her.
No, you were wrong to turn her down.
This is not about (you) or how you feel about her man!
Being her maid of honor is about your (friendship with her).
No one gets a vote on who should marry whom. That is up to the individual.
Maybe this guy is a jerk but you don't have to be one!
If you really do want her to be happy give her your opinion or advice but don't abandon her simply because you do not approve of her fiancée.
If my best friend asked me to be the "Best man" in his wedding there is no way I would turn him down even if I hated his soon to be wife.
Long term friends are like family. Here is what you should do.
1. Meet with her and without using accusatory language tell her how you feel.
2. Tell her that no matter what you will be there to support her.
3. Accept her invitation as maid of honor and don't interrupt the ceremony and be there for her. Celebrate, have fun, and smile in all her pictures. Be happy for her.
Dashingscorpio has great points.
I say you are very much right. A good friend is honest. She may end up coming back to your friendship after she gets a divorce... saying, "You were so right! I should have listened to you!"
I say, don't pretend. Stand your ground. Stay in a position of command over your own life. You do not want to be involved in this charade. You do not have to be. If she is a true friend to YOU, she would understand your decision to not participate in the wedding and it should NOT mean the end of the friendship!
You have the right to protect yourself. Explain your position with kindness, using the "I" word:
"I do not approve of this match for these reasons…" (the reasons you listed were definite red flags and worth discussing with her…)
"I suffered too much the first time around."
If she does not want to continue the friendship, she is doing you a favor.
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