So I listen to people talk about leaving their marriages and throwing in the towel for a number of reasons but I wonder why do people marry people when they know it will be a disaster. How can you hate someone you claim to love so much almost overnight? Seriously.
Why would you get married when you know that person is not for you?
Why would you marry someone who does not love you?
Why would you marry someone only seeking financial gain?
Watching shows such as snapped when relatives of some people have been told if something happened to them, investigate the spouse. What the deuce?
Are some people opting to sleep with the enemy rather than waiting until you get 75% of what you need with someone who really loves you?
What is the problem with the lasting factor of marriages long ago verses today's 1-5 year marriages? Are people wearing blinders when it comes to evaluating people? Yes, it's easier to get divorced, but marriages 50 years ago seemed to be based on more realistic interaction and love.
What are your thoughts?
Yes, one must avoid choosing a cell-mate as opposed to a soul-mate.
I actually think the skill of kindness must be mastered by both people in order to make a marriage work.
Also, the couple should be in agreement as far as religion, politics and diet.
Oh, and no substance use/abuse before or after marriage.
In My Humble Opinion.
When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. If this were not the case we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts!
In my opinion the #1 cause for divorce is (selecting the wrong mate) for oneself. This happens very easily if a person has not done the introspective thinking to figure out who they are and what they want/need in a mate for life BEFORE they start entering into relationships.
It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
People who "go with the flow" tend to allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. They often mistakenly rush into promises of commitment or marriage based upon the "infatuation phase" of a new relationship without having shown each other their "authentic selves".
We live in a time where people acknowledge human beings make mistakes. And yet when it comes to marriage many people feel like that is the (one area) where we never make a mistake!
Suddenly instead of saying "I chose the wrong person" and walking away you persuaded to "try" and (change water into wine) or fit a square peg into a round hole. Young people in their 20s are prone to choosing a mate before figuring out who they are and what they want.
There is no amount of "work" or "communication" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.
Oftentimes when someone says; "Getting a divorce is the (easy) way out." It's usually coming from someone who has never actually gone through divorce!
The truth of the matter is it's far more easier to get married than to go through a divorce!
A divorce when it's all said and done after you strip away the pain, emotions, and financial expenses is nothing more than a public admission that a mate selection (mistake) was made.
No one is thinking about divorce on their wedding day! They're hoping things (will work) out.
Anyone with a measure of self-esteem has some "deal breakers" or "boundaries" which if crossed will cause them to throw in the towel. Whether it be cheating, verbal/physical abuse, child abuse, alcohol/drug addiction, or not being fiscally responsible.
Everyone draws "a line in the sand" for their own wellbeing.
One must also keep in mind that everyone grows or evolves overtime. You may have started out wanting the "same things" for the marriage but years later one person feels differently.
"We're either growing together or growing apart."
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships; We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Stay or move on. The choice is up to us.
The #2 cause for divorce in my opinion is (getting married for the wrong reasons).
This happens for example when someone has an arbitrary age goal to be married by, an ultimatum was given, an unplanned pregnancy, all of their friends were married, they'd been in a relationship for years and simply decided "What the hell, lets take it to next step", or they found someone who had money or some other asset they felt would enhance their life, Some folks just got tired of being single.
A marriage based on circumstances rather love is likely to fail.
You ask a lot of questions, but in such a way that it would be easy to make a hasty assumption about your feelings on the matter.
Your questions prompt two of my own - for you. Are you married? And are you older than 29?
The first question is relative to the inferences contained that indicate you don't think recent generation marriages are looking at the important questions, and the latter is relative to your understanding that there are so many contradictory, but still valid answers to all your questions. And of course, the "important" questions for you might not be the same for someone else.
For instance, (and I will pick an easy one);
"Why would you marry someone only seeking financial gain?"
The "you" might be so in love with the other person that they don't care what the other person's motives are. Or what sacrifices will have to be made. Or the "you" may be perfectly willing to "pay" to be with the one they love. Etc. etc. etc. Marriages of convenience aren't always wrong. For some people, and some circumstances - they may be a satisfying solution for both parties.
In fairness, I will also answer the questions I asked you. I have been married for 30 years. (and that should also answer the "age" question).
What interesting questions and partial analysis. I will say I am over 29. I'm curious if 29 is some type of adult qualification of opinion? Yet, I digress.
Nice to hear that you have been married for 30 years, I hope happily.
Yes, I do have many opinions, however, they are based on the observations and actions of others. It just seems from everyday life to media there are more broken people trying to band-aide (through marriage) their issues and wondering why failure occurs and there goes presents the scars of hope past. Thanks for your feedback on my desire to understand. I like your perspective that some people are willing to finance the person that they want around them with no issues-interesting.
The age question was relative to the amount of life experience that would allow you to see that there are many different motivations and satisfactions among the many personalities that make up the whole of "us." What may seem an intolerably inane choice to you might be a valid rationalization for someone else.
Personnel observations and anecdotes are the basis for most of our opinions, it is unrealistic to expect it to be otherwise for our initial thoughts. It is the amount of effort we apply to validating those first impressions that makes the difference.
ps. Happily married for 30 years? Of course not. There have been times either of us would readily have strangled the other if we could get away with it. Times when each of us thought the other was the worst possible choice we could have made. Times when a hand was on the door knob. But a promise is a promise.... and those days pass. Plus, make-up sex is a terrific reward for perseverance.
"Yes, it's easier to get divorced, but marriages 50 years ago seemed to be based on more realistic interaction and love." 50 years ago a man could beat his wife and she was stuck staying or would be looked down on. A woman was almost always in a submissive role where her opinion on most things didn't matter. A husband could do just about anything to his wife without fear of punishment. As for their marriages being based on love, according to statistics people were married younger in 1960, which goes to show the likelihood of them being mature enough to have married for love alone at 22 is slim. Back then you were just stuck. If it turned out that you were stupid and picked the wrong person you were stuck spending the rest of your life with them anyway. You were stuck being miserable or forcing yourself to love someone anyway.
I am not saying people today are flawless. I just think that the reality is we probably should not base our judgments on today's people based off the happy thoughts we have when we think of our grandparents. Our grandparents put up with crap no human should be forced to suffer through just to keep from being ridiculed.
Yes people should pick their mate better. Yes they should take it more serious, but if it turns out to be unfixable they should be free to move on and divorce without ridicule.
peeples: Having gone through a divorce I can assure that getting married was a lot easier!
I do agree with you that marriage 50 years ago had completely different expectations. Women for the most part had very few career opportunities and low wages. Marriage was one of the easy and best ways for them to improve their lives.
Even high school home economic courses in that era centered around women pleasing their husband, having a good meal ready for him when came home from work, keeping the children quiet and out of his way until he was ready to engage them, and lots of other tips including those on looking appealing.
A divorce in those days meant severe financial hardship for a lot of women. This led many of them without well paying job skills to stay in unhappy marriages.
Today's women have better career opportunities, higher pay, and are far more independent than women during the 1950s and earlier. Better birth control methods has also made it possible for them to have sex without worrying as much about unplanned pregnancy.
With a 50% divorce rate the "divorce stigma" is also gone.
Not long ago AARP conducted a survey which revealed in the U.S. that 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces are filed by (women). Apparently the more "options" one has the less crap they'll put up with!
Yes, Peeples and DashingScorpio.... you both have good points. Women had less options available and unfortunately there was more of a reality of physical abuse or being "stuck" with someone. For all our advancements, technologies, and achievements we (as participants in relationships) have not connected our transforming to happiness/successfully interact with one another. Nothing has changed in terms of the needs of each gender. But there is something beautiful about the simplicity of accommodating each other, loving each other, and building a future together step by step. Below is an illustration of what true love is:
in simple form
with a little love, luck, and hope
with the desire for 2 to make each other happy
absent of gold-digging
absent of abuse
But let me share this.......I believe there were more marriages that ended like this back in the day:
Bob Lowe, a 93-year-old British vet who lives in Hampshire, U.K., lost his wife, Kath, three months ago. The two were married for over 65 years. On Monday, Bob read a poem he wrote for Kath on the BBC's Radio 5 live. It’s beautiful:
“Ode to Kath”
I am alone, now I know it’s true
There was a time when we were two
Those were the days when we would chat
Doing little jobs of this and that
We’d go to the shops and select our meals
But now I’m one I know how it feels
To try and cook or have meals on wheels
The rooms are empty there’s not a sound
Sometimes I’m lost and wander round
To look for jobs that I can do
To bring back the days when we were two
When darkness falls and curtains drawn
That’s when I feel most forlorn
But I must be honest and tell the truth
I’m not quite alone and here’s the proof
Because beside me in her chair
She quietly waits our time to share
Kath said to me some time ago
Darling when the time comes for us to go
Let’s mix our ashes and be together
So we can snuggle up forever and ever.
You said: "Nothing has changed in terms of the needs of each gender." However my point is most women don't (need a man financially) as they did in past eras. This would explain why they file for divorce in higher numbers than women of prior generations. Today's woman expects her husband to help out more with housework and taking care of children. She worries more about losing her own identity and therefore creates more boundaries than women of the past. Her expectations in life and relationships are different from her predecessors.
People who do manage to stay married for a lot of years are not always happy. Unfortunately length of time together is the primary measuring stick we use to define a successful marriage. I've known couples have been married for 40 years but have little do with each other. They're basically roommates with the same last name. And yet an outsider might view them as having the "secret" for an enduring marriage. Being unhappy and getting a divorce is often called "easy".
However I think it's easier to stay in an unhappy relationship and emotionally unplug. She does her thing and he does his thing. Divorce involves (making major changes) in one's life legally, financially, and socially. Lots of people would rather not have to "start over" and so they stay married (on paper) but they're "emotionally divorced". The older they are the less likely they want any major changes.
Average length of marriage has been trending upwards these last few years.
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