Have you ever faced a challenge in your life when you wanted to “fight back” but that inner voice told you that it would only make things worse? You were facing a difficult person or situation be it a co-worker or having to renege on a promise and you knew the only thing to do at the time was just “keep the peace.”
I am finding more often than not when dealing with my adult children when not wanting to sound like a scolding mother admonishing a kid to just step back. It saves my nerves and keeps the peace which is so important to me right now.
It's working! My oldest son who hadn't spoken to me in over a week just did!!!
i always wanted to fight back when my hubby argue or scolded me something which i don't agree. If i fight back, he would chase me put of the house or throw something at me. So, i kept quiet all the time. And that is how our family still stay "INTACT"
I am glad that you discovered a technique that works for you. There really are times when "Just going along" pays off with dividend especially with men. Most women can verbally disagree without being physical but it is in most men's nature to be physical. It originates at the most primitive level - the strong urge to defend at any cost. But sometimes men tend to forget that we women are "the weaker vessel" physically and should be "handled with care."
Jacqueline, I used to be the type to bottle everything up inside and boom! I would explode and say terrible things. Now I let things go in one ear and out the other. I do not like confrontation and find that it causes me more stress than the person who is confrontational. I try to take every obstacle in my life with ease and often ask myself this one question "Would this matter to me tomorrow, five or ten years from now?" Often the answer is no so I just don't let it get to me anymore.
I believe with age comes wisdom and most of us learn to "pick our battles". The smartest people are those who weigh the possible outcomes/consequences before electing which option to go with. There focus is on the end result and not winning a momentary ego victory. There are also other ways besides fighting for a person to get their point across or persuade others to come around to their viewpoint if they (need) them.
Each person wants the other to change… then everything will be fine.. wouldn't be great if it were that easy?
Unfortunately, adults are set ... cooked… and finished. You can't get an adult to change… like a pigs tail… even if they try to change into what others want them to be… they will just curl back into their original shapes.
Well that is not true about people making changes. If you believe in the bible , you will have learned that people do change. As a witness I know such people and they have had many backgrounds ,and they truly take their relationship serious just as one would if they were married, A vow has been made here also. So maybe in your world this may be true but not according to this as written.
1 Corinthians 6: 9
Or do you not know that unrighteous people will not inherit God’s Kingdom? Do not be misled. Those who are sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, men who submit to homosexual acts, men who practice homosexuality, 10 thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, and extortioners will not inherit God’s Kingdom.
(11 And yet that is what some of you were.) But you have been washed clean; you have been sanctified; you have been declared righteous in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and with the spirit of our God.
Even in the book of Re 7:14 So right away I said to him: “My lord, you are the one that knows.” And he said to me: “These are the ones that come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
These survive the upcoming cleaning of the earth because they changed
Notice Because of Jesus sacrificed his life for us. A very good reason to change.
Yes I can relate or understand. The bible says at Eccles 3: 1 For everything there is an appointed time, even a time for every affair under the heavens: 2 a time for birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what was planted; 3 a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build; 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to wail and a time toskip about; 5 a time to throw stones away and a time to bring stones together; a time to embrace and a time to keep away from embracing; 6 a time to seek and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away; 7 a time to rip apart and a time to sew together; a time to keep quiet and a time to speak; 8 a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.
You are correct. There is a time of peace.
Lots of times. It's a tough situation but I try to look at it dispassionately and ask myself what the consequences will be.
The first question is, will fighting back ONLY make things worse, and there's no possibiliy of a good outcome - or am I just scared of having to go through the conflict?
I have a daughter (24 years old) who is bound and determined to everything that is opposite of what she should. She asks me for advice, I give it to her after a time of prayer and seeking God for guidance. I have never wanted her to feel like as an adult she is not capable of making good choices for herself, or for her children. It is very hard to sit back and do nothing, especially when she has taken a road that I myself have traversed with similar results. But, all a parent really can do is sit back and when the child is ready, be there for the "pick up" of the pieces. I love my daughter, very much so, and I am a "fixer", I want to go in and fix everything for her; but, to do that would be to undermine who she is as an individual.
I hear you Shirley. Mine is a wanderer, staying with someone til she gets kicked out. No matter how much trouble her behavior, choices cause her, it is never her fault. She claimed yesterday she wanted a relationship with me, would treat me better, etc. She was stranded, having to leave hotel she had been staying at, with no place to go. 3 years of crap with her. I told her no! But, I paid for 3 more days of hotel so she could find a place to go to. When she was manipulating me, she had a ride on the way. Knew I paid for the room, then waited til almost 10 last night to tell me, I am in MD now, so and so picked me up, Ta Ta, have fun losing your money. I have stopped listening to her Rescue Me tune. Almost 23 and has done nothing with her life. Kicked out of Marine boot camp. Kicked out of Job Corps when she was ready to graduate. this month or next month. AS long as somebody rescues her, she will never do better. I refuse to enable her anymore.
So all the I want a relationship with you, I will treat you better ended when I told her know and she had somebody to come get her. All she did was say what she felt that she needed to say to get what she wanted. When it didn't work, she went back to her normal self.
Linda, my daughter, 24, has two kids and one due in February 2015. Her boyfriend (Baby #3's father) and her were living here in the Spring. But her boyfriend is so controlling and I put my nose in the air about it because he tried that control business with me. He left. She soon followed because she "loved" him. She took the grandkids and I didn't even know where they were. About two weeks ago, she called me up out of the blue and wanted to try to make things work between her and I so that I could see her and the kids could see me. She had told me that he and her were breaking up and she just needed her mom and her family. Later, I found out that he beat her because she contacted me. She still, two weeks later, bears two black eyes and a swollen nose. On Thanksgiving Day, she told me she was completely done with him; but, that night told me that they were going to talk things out and make it work. I have to trust God in this situation because I know God is in control. I just pray that she will soon learn to distinguish this as a cycle and will find a way out.
Being a mother has got to be the hardest job. When they are young, they listen to every word. Then comes the day when mom is a convenience. Not all children, but quite a few. I had gotten ignored, the cold shoulder, told that I am over concerned. So, I told God that it is in His hands. I am not the enemy and they will have to come to that reality themselves. I have high blood pressure and it came totally from stress! There comes a time when you have to let go and let God.
I always like to employ fair fighting rules when I have to engage in a disagreement. They actually help make the encounter productive rather destructive.
What are your fair fighting rules? Are they constructed by all parties involved? Who determines the fairness, a third party?
Jacqueline4390, they're not "my" fair fighting rules. They are tools usually provided by counselors to help clients resolve conflict in their lives, most usually couples and family members. I picked them up when I trained for a phone counseling position ages ago. They help individuals in conflict avoid habits which complicate the matter rather than lead to resolution. The ones below are similar to my original list. They were included as part of the training information we received.
1. No degrading language.
2. No blaming.
3. No yelling.
4. No use of force.
5. No talk of divorce (or running away, or moving out).
6. Define yourself, not your spouse (other opponent).
7. Stay in the present
8. Take turns speaking.
9. When necessary, use time outs.
10. Remain calm.
11. Express feelings in words, not actions.
12. Be specific about what is bothering you.
13. Deal with only one issue at a time.
14. No hitting below the belt.
15. Avoid accusations.
16. Don't stockpile grievances.
17. Avoid clamming up.
13 No attacking while your opponent (spouse, friend, relative) isn't present or as if they weren't preseent.
Sounds like some great rules. I took marriage and the family when working on my 1st masters degree and other courses when working on my 2nd masters. I think you have provided some great information that I will add to my personal counseling theories. Thanks!
Shirley: OMG! He is cutting her off from everybody which is part of the pattern. It will only get worse. Abusers don't stop abusing. I hope she finally sees that her only way to make things better is to get as far away from him as she can. Does she realize that she could lose her kids by having them in this environment!
Linda, you are so right! Please Shirley ... if you can't talk to your dear daughter ... see if there are other intervention methods. I totally trust in God; however He gave us that additional sense; "common sense." Daniel didn't voluntary to be put into the Den of Lions. I imagine he put up quite a fight! But God did deliver him. I truly hope this doesn't end up like the movie "The Burning Bed" with I believe Farrah Fawcett. Or even worse ...
I have gone to the authorities; but, until she makes a charge herself, there is nothing that can be done. When DHS/CPS got involved, her and her boyfriend turned them on us to take the attention off of themselves. It was a bad deal all the way around. I have to believe that God will intervene as He has dominion in this situation. It's more than a want to believe, I HAVE to believe, I NEED to believe, and, so, I believe.
One habit of abusers (emotional abuse) is to isolate their victim.
SPECIAL NOTE: There are two types of abusers: the cowards that think you will never fight back and the homicidal maniacs. You need to know the difference. With the first type - a good frying pan to the head will solve the problem nicely. With the second type beware; run do not walk to the nearest exit. This type is crazy ... crazy ... crazy and you and your family will end up DEAD. Notify the authorities and your family. Find a safe house and lay low. But by all means do not fight back and DO get away!
We can only do what we can do. When they are adults, that is it! I wish she would realize that she is teaching her kids that it is normal for a man to beat up a woman and it is okay to do so. He probably controls all of the money, tells her nobody will want her with three kids, the big one is that he probably has told her that if she leaves, he will get custody of their baby and she will never see him or her again.
If you talk to her again: Give her this message: i had an ER doctor tell me that if I didn't get out, the next time he saw me, he would probably be putting a toe tag on me and sending me to the morgue. Get out for the sake of your kids and yourself. They are always sorry and won't do it again, at least not until the next time they do it.
Men don't beat women. Cowards beat women. Another thing is that they often turn on the kids and abuse them as well.
You are right on every account. Any money that she brings in goes directly to him and he controls how much she spends and where she spends it. She even has to pawn and sell personal belongings because she is not allowed to have anything that he did not buy himself. And she has such low self-esteem that she says quite often no one will want her with three kids. Never mind that when I marriage my husband, he became a step father to six kids. And yes, he tells her all the time that if they break up he will be sure to take that baby and never let her see the baby again because he will NEVER pay her a dime for child support since he already pays child support for two other children. I tell her all the time that I am going to get a phone call because she's dead. She just tells me that she loves him and even though they fight, it's her fault and she should know better. I give it to God.
She is afraid of him. He may have threaten to either harm her or her children. I can understand this because after my divorce I was in a relationship with a guy who was normal 90% of the time but would occasionally go on these drug binges. I ditched the loser (I was brought up in a Christian home and was never subjected to such carrying on) and this guy would call me at work threatening me. Being a Christian; he knew that I was a person of my word. Well ... one day too many he called me at work with his threats because I ditched him. I got upset and told him this ...
"Thanks for the warning ... if I see you; I will kill you first."
Do you know that he never, ever called again. I saw him one year later when I was at the mall with my son. The guy was terrified because I saw fear in his eyes. I turned my head just for a moment and looked around again and he was nowhere in sight. Once my fear of him was gone (and he knew it) that was the end of him. It takes a lot of guts but sometimes even nice girls can get nasty :-)
So sorry! She needs help bad, but she is the one who has to get out and then get the help she needs to see what he has done to her.
Sometimes you just need to cry. Just sit there and let the person know how you really feel. Get in touch with your hurt feelings and express them. The communication problems come when we try to overpower and deny our own hurt feelings for the sake of seeming or feeling powerful…beyond the hurt and feelings of weakness and inadequacy. My advice is to FEEL the hurt, rather than to deny it.. Let the tears come from your heart… let the person KNOW how their behavior really affects you.
If your temporarily irrational person is high or drunk, Never Mind. Go to your corner of the house and read a book with earphones or noise mufflers over your ears. In this case, there is no response from you that will have any positive effect what-so-ever. If you have married such a person, better luck in yer next life. If your signifcant-other who you are not married to, smokes pot, drinks or worse… leave. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
As far as adult children, we can never give up. Our silent prayers of love and openness really do transfer to our children. They feel it from afar… Never give up on them and always leave the doors of communication open… they will be back.
Just remember... when it is called for, tough love is tough, but nescessary. Its for their own good.
Once the cowards find out that you are not afraid of them they may just go away. Filing charges is the first step.
One thing I learn is that some people are not worth fighting with. Even speaking with them is a waste of time
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