Can divorce be linked to people having unrealistic expectations regarding marriage in general or poor selection of spouses? Statistically speaking, there are a lot of marriages that eventually end with separation or divorce. Quite of few of these divorces may be due to the unrealistic expectations of the spouses (especially women) when it comes to the success of being happily wedded. If more people enter into a relationship with the ability to accept the “faults” of their intended—would this lead to longevity or are there other factors?
I must admit that I was first attracted to my ex-husband's good looks. I knew he had an extremely "laid back" attitude; however I wasn't aware that it was due to a very domineering mother until after we were married and he spent more time with her than with me. And, even after the children arrived it seemed that they all were under her captivatingly strong influence.
I believe unrealistic expectations has a lot to do with it. Marriage is greatly romanticized in America, and people are not taught how to live and share with others. Women especially are out to gain status; once they've acquired that Golden Ring, then reality hits, and they realize there's a flesh-and-blood man that goes with the ring, one complete with faults and personal tastes. I believe that's why women are more likely to file for divorce.
I read in a magazine article a long time ago, that there are 3 critical times in a marriage. If divorce occurs the first year, it's because of unrealistic expectations. If it occurs around the 8th year, it's because the couple drifted apart. If it occurs after 20 years, they never loved each other in the first place. I think with the 20 year mark, it's most likely they knew something was wrong from the start, but ignored it until they couldn't do so anymore. That was the case with my brother, whose first marriage ended after 21 1/2 years.
Marriage is not a status symbol, rescue operation, or reform school. It is two people sharing a life together. Whether or not that's a good thing depends solely on what the couple makes of it.
I believe the number one cause for divorce is "selecting the wrong mate" for oneself. The number two cause is "getting married for the wrong reasons."
In the first instance this occurs when a person gets married before figuring out who (they) are, what they want, and need in a mate for life. This also happens when people leap into an engagement during the "Infatuation Phase" of a relationship. They've "committed" to each other (before) they revealed their "authentic selves". The next thing you know they have sent out the "save the date" notices, started shopping for venues, flowers, DJs, and any "red flags" that pop up are attributed to "cold feet". This ties in with being "unrealistic" because many couples have a "leap first" mentality and (assume) they'll "figure out things along the way". This is especially true of young people who get married without completing their education, establishing a career path, and eliminating debt. Oftentimes people do see "red flags" but believe they can get the person to "change" over time. People only change when (they) are unhappy.
People get married for the "wrong reasons" all the time! A person may have had an "age goal", all of their friends were married, an "ultimatum" was given, an unplanned pregnancy, a decision was made that they were going to marry the (next person) they dated whomever that might be, a couple has been together for years and just saw it as "the next step" as if it were some kind a "job promotion", their mate has (money), connections, or some type of notoriety, just wanted have a wedding (at least once) in their life, someone in the military is about to depart and wants someone waiting.
Most of these people spend more time talking about and planning for the "wedding day" then they do the "marriage".
The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the marriage that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.
"Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!"
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them as (is) or move on. The choice is up to us.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Everything that you said is "on point." Many people don't know who they are or what they really want but let "social norms" dictate. There is nothing wrong with being single until ... but many people ... especially women ... are programmed to think that if you remain single "and seem happy" something is wrong with you! To get married just because "everyone else is" is wrong. Getting to know a person takes time and being able to accept someone as they are takes "guts."
I think unforgiveness is a big factor. Resentments build up over years and are never dealt with, making couples miserable.
This is very true as well. Entering into a relationship knowing what the other is capable of doing is very important. If he was a "master flirt" in the beginning and chose you because he truly wanted to "settle down" then he may continue to be a "master flirt." Only ... his motive are different.
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