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Black Men Don't Like Black Women

  1. realtalk247 profile image71
    realtalk247posted 16 months ago

    Do you think this statement is true?  Are you an African American man who prefers not to date women of your own race?  If you do not like black women is it because you choose the wrong women and desire for them to act differently thus creating your dissatisfaction when dating?  Are you taking responsibility for the women you attract or experience?  Just asking for honest feedback without a bunch of generalization. 
    There was a youtube video I watched that revealed some interesting thoughts about the love missing between African-American men and women.

    There is a youtube video that says so much to say on this subject:
    (1)Khamsin -Why Do Black Men Hate Black Women?

    On the flip side I don't believe all African American men are trifflin, jobless, father to 5 kids by 6 different baby mommas (get the joke,lol), and are terrible men incapable of being faithful and being the leaders of their household.  Do I believe that most African American men are psychologically damaged and have lost their way, perhaps true- but not all men. 

    So just be honest guys, do you find this statement true? Keep in mind, if it applies, that you mother is African American woman.  I'm just saying. What are your thoughts?


    1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
      Kathryn L Hillposted 16 months ago in reply to this

      One of my daughter's (white) friends married a black basketball player. She always had posters of famous (black) basketball players on the walls of her room ever since she was in Jr. High. Her Dad was a basketball player and her grandfather, a basketball coach.
      Today, this couple has two kids and are happily-ever-after. smile

    2. dashingscorpio profile image86
      dashingscorpioposted 16 months ago in reply to this

      No I don't think it's the color of a woman's skin but the combative/defensive, "attitude",  her anger, and emotional baggage that turns many of these men off. Attractive women who seem to be "happy" and "positive" with a good sense of humor don't have problems attracting men regardless of their skin color.

      One could speculate that it's about who a man "attracts" however for most men we are the one's who do the approaching!

      When I was a single adult I lived in Orange County, CA and I was open to dating any woman if she had the attributes I was looking for. However I was not on mission to find a "black woman". There were not going to be any trips made to South Central, Compton, or Inglewood to find a black woman. I wasn't going out of my way to find a woman based upon race.

      The first thing about dating is people have to run in the "same circles" in order to meet. If I'm in Newport Beach, Laguna Beach,  Huntington Beach, Dana Point, Costa Mesa, or Irvine, CA because those were areas I lived in or worked in that was going to have a large bearing on who I dated.
      Note: It was not uncommon to see black women dating outside of their race either. Maybe more black women should be open to dating outside of their race. Each of us as individuals determines our own options!

      When I was single I dated white, black, Hispanic, and Asian women as long as they had the physical attributes and personality traits I wanted. A Mercedes 600SL in any color is still a Mercedes 600SL. My first wife was white. The goal is to marry an individual and not their color.

      Ultimately for men it comes down to whether or not he's physically attracted to the woman, her personality, her sense of humor, and if she indicates there is a mutual interest. If either of those aren't there odds are he's going to move on.

      My current wife who is black, a former model, and a career woman is beautiful, funny, down to earth, affectionate, and enjoys many of the same things I do when it comes to island vacations, theatre, Paris, France, old school R&B music and so forth. All these things and more drew me to her.

      I've always avoided the ABWs (Angry Black Woman) types who seem to feel they are superior to men or need to compete with men. Some guys are into all that "drama". Having had a mother who was like that I knew I would never be happy with someone who had that personality.
      She was always one "wrong word" from going off! LOL!

      Thankfully there are over (7 Billion people) on this planet!
      No one is "stuck" with anyone or any race for that matter!


    3. dashingscorpio profile image86
      dashingscorpioposted 16 months ago in reply to this

      I just watched the YouTube video and it seemed like this woman was blaming society, the media, and Nicki Minaj along various other reasons why the men (she has chosen) has mistreated her.

      Not long ago I remember seeing some dating show where a young black woman said she wants a man who has some "thug" and "swagger".

      Based upon that it's probably been times where a really "nice guy" who would have treated her well was passed over so she could be with her "thug".  You don't go dumpster diving looking for diamonds!

      "If it's on my plate I must have ordered it."

      If I'm being honest a lot of these women lack the confidence to run in the circles of educated successful black men. They're more comfortable taking on a "project". A guy who is struggling with the hopes he'll appreciate her.

      One of the causes of major heartbreak for young women in particular is having "unrealistic expectations". I would tell them odds are if a guy is under 30 he is not looking for marriage or anything that comes close to it. Most likely he's going to be moving on and the more successful he is the less urgent he will be when it comes to settling down.

      The more options one has the more selective they can be.

      Having said that if a man just went through a divorce or had a nasty breakup he too is not going to be in a rush to "set the date" anytime soon. This young lady in the video failed to acknowledge all the black married couples she sees around town, in church, the grocery store,

      Life is a (personal) journey!
      You are responsible for your happiness
      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
      Ideally with age and experience comes wisdom which hopefully leads one to learn to be "selective" with regard to whom they choose to date.
      You can't blame society for why (you) said "yes" to anyone!

      Lastly maybe it's time to look for good men period regardless of their race!
      You don't have to be a rocket scientist to create a profile of the type of man you'd like to be with and then list places you believe such a man would frequent, his hobbies, the neighborhood he might live in, occupation he might have, gym he may work out, kind of restaurants he dine in..etc
      You have to be where that type of person is!

      One final note: Just because a guy doesn't want what you want does not mean there is something "wrong" with him. He's just wrong for (you)!
      When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. If this weren't true we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts! Very few of us win the Love Lottery the first time we buy a ticket.

      1. realtalk247 profile image71
        realtalk247posted 16 months ago in reply to this

        Dashing scorpio
        Sounds like you are so happy and have a wonderful life! Good for you!
        Your sayings are legendary. She was always one "wrong word" from going off! LOL!
        You don't go dumpster diving looking for diamonds! (I’m taking that phrase and using it daily.)
        Your posts are great. My father always told me compatibility is the most important quality in a relationship so I understand when you mentioned being open to the people who are in your same circle.  While being open to other races sounds great, there is also nothing wrong with wanting to share a future with someone who has common history but is it a dealbreaker-perhaps not. 
        People fail to work through their issues. It’s great that although you love your mother, you realized there were some things you did not want in a partner. 
        You are right that different ages, produce different stages….or at least it should. If you are up in the club at 40-50, you look ridiculous. A friend of mine told me he never wanted to be the old man in the club, sitting at the bar, with no one at home to love him-he valued having a family and that was his focus.
        I agree that people aren’t wrong for not wanting what someone else wants. There are reasons, seasons, and lifetimes. Not all black women are ready to go off, unhappy, or angry.  Amongst my friends we laugh, joke, are happy and kind to people which unfortunately often gathers stares from other men and women of our race because we don’t fit the stereotype. Whatever. I’m going to be happy, smile, crack jokes. Not every African American was born in the projects or impoverished communities either so the upbringing and quality of life is different than those who were raised in a harsh environment.  It’s a nature situation. If you have limited resources to survive you will act animalistic. Watch rats go for one piece of cheese and you see the similar behavior and attitudes of such women as Basketball Wives/Housewives. 
        Dashing scorpio you are so right. I’m of the opinion that women that work hard to achieve success and continuously chase after projects have a self-esteem issue.  What makes a woman bitter?  Throwing your pearls to swine and expecting that person to value you. While discussing relationships with an older gentleman he said someone so true: never feel sorry for a man, he determines his life and his fate by his actions. My father said if he doesn’t provide for himself, cook his own food, wash his own clothes then he is not a man but a child.  He also told me don’t you ever let a man move in or reep the rewards of what you have achieved. Maybe the daddy factor is the key missing situation in the creation of the “I don’t need a man –tough African American woman.”
        My questions on the dumpster diving:
        #1 how can you share compatibility with someone who does not strive to achieve what you are attempting to achieve.
        #2 are you not comfortable being co-pilot to a man that is on your level and instead opt to guide and control a man like a child because he is unable to exist in the realm that you operate int.
        #3 how can you respect someone that is not achieving. (I’m not mentioning a temporary life situation because life happens.) How can a woman excuse a man’s lack of ability to achieve when perhaps they worked full-time and pursuit their master’s degree full-time. What’s the excuse for lack of achievement?
        So many questions.

        1. realtalk247 profile image71
          realtalk247posted 16 months ago in reply to this

          Your sayings are legendary. lol.

          1. realtalk247 profile image71
            realtalk247posted 16 months ago in reply to this

            We do agree not all African Americans live in impoverishished  communities?

        2. dashingscorpio profile image86
          dashingscorpioposted 16 months ago in reply to this

          I know exactly what your friend means when he said:
          "he never wanted to be the old man in the club, sitting at the bar, with no one at home to love him."
          Sitting at the end of the bar looking into the doorway to see who walks in. Even worse standing in some long line waiting to get in!
          That's a nightmare! LOL

          One of the classes I teach is regarding online dating. I truly believe it's a godsend for busy professionals in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. While it should not be one's only option it's still nice to have that option as oppose to bouncing around from nightclub to nightclub or counting on friends and family to introduce you to someone. The only catch is one has to know them self, what they want, and be willing to research online sites before choosing one. The other reality is most people you meet aren't going to be in the same space or necessarily be looking for what you want but that is the same with people you meet offline as well.

          Ultimately I have to get people to remember whomever they go out with, date, or end up in a relationship with that it was them who said (yes) to this person! Nothing happens until (we say yes).

          The only way to learn from a bad experience to acknowledge we said (yes) and then figure out why we said yes.

          I agree not all African Americans live in impoverished communities. However I know of one single lady for example who earns over $150k per year and insists upon living in the South Side of Chicago.
          She is one of those women who insists that her man be black and he must have some "swagger". Whenever she has gone out with a black guy who had a college degree and was making good money she always feels disconnected if he was too polished or so easily assimilates with white people that she feels they really don't share the same culture.

          I've also known other African Americans who really don't want to date other African Americans who live in the suburbs. It's like you see a lot of these super rich rappers who insist upon still hanging out where they grew up even with all the potential violence around them.
          It's their "comfort zone".

          So lets say you're a fairly successful black woman who only wants to date a man of your own race but now you add he must have a degree, also live in your area, be successful and yet have "swagger". Talk about limiting one's options!

          When I was growing up in Gary, Indiana during the 70s it was at the time called "The Murder Capital of the World". My mission in life was to get out! However I have childhood friends who never moved away. I guess I was trying to point out earlier if you lived in Newport Beach, or Laguna Beach, CA and you're an African American your odds of dating someone of the same race drops significantly because a lot them (choose) not spend time there!

          Those who do live, work, or socialize there generally are open to dating any race and not specifically looking for their own race. I do know some black men who will not date black women based upon their past experiences though. Women who go around defining what a man is to a man is a turn off.

          Everyone is entitled to have their own desired traits but they're best kept on one's internal shopping list. Telling an onion what an apple should look and taste like is not going to convert an onion into an apple!

          If a woman doesn't consider a guy to be a "real man" then move on. There's nothing to be gained by telling him what (she) considers a "real man" to be. Just simply acknowledge he's not the man for her!
          You can't nag someone into being what you want them to be.

          I believe the reason why a lot of women are open to "dumpster diving" is because there is less competition for those men. Imagine a single handsome successful black man, dressed impeccably, driving luxury car, living in an exclusive neighborhood. The average person regardless of race or gender is probably not going to be running in the same circles as him.

          As I stated a lot of folks prefer not to. They'd consider it too stuffy or even a little pretentious. If a woman wants an college educated, successful man who is also filled with "swagger" she's going to have difficult search.
          This man on the other hand will have women of various races interested in him who do run in his circle.

          Therefore there are those women who will take on a "project" with a good looking guy with loads of "swagger" and she hopes to elevate his mindset to earn more money. Time and time again she becomes frustrated as you noted: "Throwing your pearls to swine and expecting that person to value you." To paraphrase what your older gentleman friend was saying if a guy doesn't (already have) dreams/goals who is working on, a place to call his own, does his own cooking/cleaning {before} you met him he will only see you as a "meal ticket" and not as a co-pilot.

          The one thing no woman can ever do is give a man a "dream".
          Very few men are inspired by the success of women. No little boy is saying; "I want to be like (her) when I grow up!"

          You can tell a lot about a man by the type of male friends he has. Friends are the family (we choose). If he's got a lot of "do nothing" friends with no ambition or goals it's because that's who relates to.

          Lastly as I mentioned earlier men don't "look up to successful women". They look up to other successful (men)! Therefore when a successful woman comes along they still are going to value her according to her (physical attributes, personality, and sense of humor). If men think a woman looks "average" or below she is not going to get any extra "brownie points" because she's a doctor, lawyer, or owns a business. The more successful a guy is in the U.S. the more attractive woman he wants. Whereas there are some women who will overlook a man's physical flaws if he is successful and kindhearted. Lust comes before love for most men.

    4. Credence2 profile image85
      Credence2posted 16 months ago in reply to this

      No,  I am not one of those you define in the title. Black folks have the lowest matrimony rate when compared with whites and other ethnic groups. Something is wrong. Has "Jungle Fever " become an epidemic? Is it the men or the women that keep us apart?

      Have too many black men been rated ineligible due to problems with the law, or economic circumstances not consistent with maintaining a relationship or considering a family? this is something we need to discuss. Lets here it...

      1. realtalk247 profile image71
        realtalk247posted 16 months ago in reply to this

        Thank you Credence2. There is a malfunction in the black race. It needs to be discussed. Self-hate is not coincidence.

      2. dashingscorpio profile image86
        dashingscorpioposted 16 months ago in reply to this

        Has "Jungle Fever " become an epidemic?
        Is it the men or the women that keep us apart?

        The reality is with equality and success comes more "options".
        Whereas racism causes one to feel they're too good or not "good enough" to date another person because of their color the belief we're "equal" opens the door to the possibility of dating people other races and cultures.

        I have personally known black men and women who hate to see other blacks date or marry outside of their race. It's as though when it comes to relationships they're all in favor of "segregation". LOL!

        They don't want the "competition" nor see them having other "options".
        The more "equality" there is the more viable it is to date, love, and marry people of different races and cultures. It's a form of social progress.

        Yes, there are some people who are only out to turn a fantasy into a reality but there has been a steady rise in "interracial marriages" over the years which would indicate this is beyond "Jungle Fever". People generally don't marry a "color" the person must have other traits they want in a spouse.

        Have too many black men been rated ineligible due to problems with the law, or economic circumstances not consistent with maintaining a relationship or considering a family?

        The answer is probably. If I had a daughter I too would not want her getting involved with some guy who was in trouble with the law, lacked ambition, and was not fiscally responsible with money and meeting their obligations.
        No father wants his daughter to become a "baby momma" or struggle.

        As one old adage goes:

        "If you want something bad enough you'll find a way and if you don't you'll find an excuse."

        Madam C. J. Walker for example was born in 1867 and became the first self-made female millionaire period. Frederick Douglass  was born a slave in 1818. He became a successful author, speaker, newspaper publisher, abolitionist/civil rights advocate and supported the women's suffrage movement. He traveled to Europe and made such an impression historical plaques were installed on buildings in Cork and Waterford, Ireland, and London to celebrate Douglass's visit.

        No one is going to convince me that both of them did not have a more difficult time to "overcome" than this generation has today! Blacks were not even allowed to go to school during their eras.

        If anyone has accomplished a lot with little or nothing to start with then it's proof that "it's possible". It then becomes a matter of choice.

        Find a way or find an excuse. The choice has always been up to us.

        1. Credence2 profile image85
          Credence2posted 16 months ago in reply to this

          Scorpio, thanks for adding so much to this discussion.

          As I date myself, much of the interacial dating was a reflection of curiosity between two people who have been told in so many ways to stay away from one another. I even think the film "Jungle Fever", (1991) had a main character that dated the white girl to satiate curiosity, knowing that a permanent relationship between the two was unlikely. The young woman felt the same, locked in a rigid Italian unbringing and tradition.

          Today, as you say, much of that perspective is no longer quite the case.

          I have seen more black women resent the racial crossover than I have men.
          Because of incarceration and lack of economic viability, while our women are reaching for the stars, the amount of eligible black men are less. And women seem more reluctant to cross the color line.

          You don't want a layabout marrying your daughter, no matter what color he is.
          All things are possible if you are determined to succeed. We all can't be Dr. MLK or Oprah Winfreys, or even Madame Walker's. While, as a Black Male, anything is possible,  it is depressing to realize you have to climb a mountain to attain to what others acquire stepping over an anthill. Did not your mom tell you how much harder you have to work and how much better you had to be to have parity with the most mediocre non minority within the same competitive environment. I am interested in reducing the starkness of this reality, the creation of a sieve with finer perforations for us that do not apply to others.

          1. dashingscorpio profile image86
            dashingscorpioposted 16 months ago in reply to this

            Credence2, You are correct in what you said about my mother telling me and my brothers we had to work harder.

            But then again she also said; "The black man doesn't have a country." and would turn around and say; "You can be anything you want to be." (However I suspect she never {believed it} for herself or for us.)

            Today an African American who is 12 years old probably only remembers his/her president being black! According to Forbes Magazine there are over 35,000 black multi-millionaires in the U.S. and that number is growing!

            We have some black CEOs of Fortune 500 companies today.
            John W. Thompson is Chairman of Microsoft, Kenneth I. Chenault is CEO of American Express, Ursula M. Burns is CEO of Xerox, Kenneth C. Frazier of Merck & Co., Inc.  This doesn't include blacks who have high management positions such as Rosalind G. Brewer (Sam's Club CEO)There also many successful like entrepreneurs like Janice Bryant Howroyd is the Founder and CEO of the ACT. 1 Group (A  1.8 billion dollar company), Catherine L. Hughes  owner of TV One and Radio One and owned 77 radio stations, Reginald Lewis (deceased) He also was the first African American to build a billion dollar company, Beatrice Foods. Robert L. “Bob” Johnson  sold BET to Viacom for $3 Billion in 2001.
            Most black people would be blown away at how far many of us have come. However if one does not LOOK for this information they'll always maintain a narrow vision of the world and their possibilities in it.

            I see black and white high school students who are "best friends" in my neighborhood. The world they're growing up in is light years away from the one I grew up in. They really do (believe) anything is possible!
            Unless we teach them otherwise!

            Black women would better off if they allowed themselves to be open to dating men of other races. I see no reason why anyone would (choose) to limit themselves in a world that has infinite possibilities.

            Life is a (personal) journey.
            I truly believe if an individual focuses on the things (within their control) they can navigate their way to the middleclass and beyond regardless of race. I had a say in as to whether I joined a gang, used/sold drugs, dropped out of high school, got a girl pregnant, listed some worthwhile goals, chose friends who shared similar dreams, read inspirational books such as "Think And Grow Rich" and biographies of black successful people, Black Enterprise Magazine, spent time in the library (we didn't have computers) back then. Early on I knew I wanted out of Gary, Indiana!

            Truth be told a lot of people who live in bad areas really don't want to move out! It took a bullet going through my mother's bedroom wall to motivate her to move from Gary, Indiana to the suburbs of Indianapolis. For several years while I lived in California I kept trying to talk her into moving. I still know of several people I went to grade school or high school with who (chose) to stay "in the hood" even though they could afford to move. Here I was thinking we (all) wanted to get out.
            I learned that's not true.

            I agree with you that we all can't be MLK, Oprah, or Madame Walker but what is shocking is how (few of us even attempt) to rise to their level!
            My father use to say: (whenever I saw him)
            "I'm shooting for the moon but if I land on a star that's okay too."

            Truthfully there are very few of us who are shooting for the moon!
            Therein lies the heart of the problem.

            1. Credence2 profile image85
              Credence2posted 16 months ago in reply to this

              Yes, indeed, Scorpio, we have a black man that has attained to the lofty office of President of the United States, unimaginable just a generation ago. With that example before us now, what is it now that cannot be accomplished by a child of color who is raised properly wiith a spirit of achievement?

              I take that as my attitude, because this is my country, nourished with the  blood and unrequited labor of so many ancestral lines of the family for so long. Then jim-crowed for another century, spilling blood in America's conflicts to acquire for others rights that we did not enjoy at home. If those rivers and swamps  were able to give up their dead or the trees could talk during the lynching and disappearance of any black that would dare question the established order. If this country belongs to anyone, IT BELONGS TO ME.

              The problem in the inner cities is there is little of the encourgement that allowed you to see and appreciate the possibility of rising above your present circumstance. Some one showed you a light at the end of the tunnel and if you kept walking you would come out of the darkness. Too many that remain have no such vision and accept present circumstances as the reality. It takes a certain amount of courage to walk through even an open door of opportunity. Because now your success or failure is in your hands, no risk of failure if you don't go through though.Like you mentioned earlier about women, some stay away from 'successful' men, because of lack of confidence as to their own expectations as to how to relate to such people who run in unfamiliar circles, even if they are better circles. We cling to what we know. That is the case of those that continue to want to live in urban blight even if they could leave.

              Pop told me once, it is better to aim for a star and hit an eagle than aim for an eagle and hit a rock. We should challenge ourselves.

  2. janesix profile image73
    janesixposted 16 months ago

    Why do black people always make everything about being black? YOU are the ones separating yourselves from everyone else with this type of mindset.

    1. realtalk247 profile image71
      realtalk247posted 16 months ago in reply to this

      Wow Janesix. Okay. You people.  You just mentioned law, economic circumstances, etc.  If you are not African-American the issue doesn't pertain to you.   Janesix, isn't this wonderful this is not your concern.  Isn't it wonderful to realize Willie Lynch mentality and issues like the 9 people killed at church in SC.  We can all walk around in this wonderful colorblind society.  Great!

      1. janesix profile image73
        janesixposted 16 months ago in reply to this

        Funny. If I started talking constantly about "white issues" I would be labled a racist. White people aren't allowed to have "issues", only "minorities" are. Again, Black people are the ones separating themselves and making everything an issue of race.

        1. Credence2 profile image85
          Credence2posted 16 months ago in reply to this

          Janesix, there are problems that unique to our community, like unemployment, police harrassment, etc.  Some of the distinguishing and distinctive problems are made for us and not something that we create. Problems in relations between men and women are universal, the circumstances may be differ for ethnic subsets. So, you can have your 'issues' that are unique to you, 'how much suntan oil you should use to go to the beach? Much of our relationship problems go into the lack of black family structure and why there are so many single female headed household in the black community. Many of us, me included see a greater advantage for our progeny in being raised in a standard nuclear family. This goes into advantages in education, supervision and subsequent life chances for the kids. So, be glad you don't face these things in your world, because we are not as fortunate.

          I am sure that the host and I welcome your imput...

          1. realtalk247 profile image71
            realtalk247posted 16 months ago in reply to this

            Well said Credence2

            1. Credence2 profile image85
              Credence2posted 16 months ago in reply to this