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How to deal with my feelings

  1. 61
    chamarie33posted 11 months ago

    I was married for ten years to an unromantic, verbally abusive person. I'm not saying that I did no wrong or anything, but I am the one choosing to leave our unhealthy relationship. My husband didn't let me sing and I am a singer, and he disapproves of my smoking medical cannabis, which is legal here, and I have a doctor's prescription.

    I have asperger's syndrome as well and I hear voices, and cannabis has helped me a lot with both issues, in fact, it is the reason I have gotten up the guts to walk away from an unhappy marriage, which is part of why he hates it. But anyhow, I am still legally married, filing my papers. I am separated from my husband.

    On facebook, I came across an old classmate with whom I used to discuss music. Now today, we are both musicians. He is further along in his career than I am. He also takes cannabis himself and I personally find him to be very attractive. In fact, I find him to be far more attractive than any many on facebook, or anywhere, including my husband.

    Other women can't see it so much, so I suspect he is just someone who really attracts ME. I did express interest to him and let him know that I was getting a divorce from my husband. He expressed interest in return, but he told me we could see each other "if" I become single. Although that is the right answer to give, I wasn't expecting such a strict view on it, I thought he would at least want to get to know me better for now.

    He doesn't seem to want to text much over facebook, he hasn't called me or given me his number. The only thing he has done much since then is like new pictures of me when I post them. I'm not sure what to make of that because I have seen him like even old male classmate's pictures. He doesn't like my music videos anymore either. I have tried to chat on facebook with him a couple of times since then and he talked a little but not a lot.

    Now I am really worried I might have pushed him away. Like maybe he thinks I'm weird, because my asperger's is kind of obvious, or maybe I showed too much interest too soon. I liked a pic of his daughter, and showed support to his music, maybe I gave him the impression that I thought I was his girlfriend? He hasn't deleted me or anything but I'm worried he might. I decided to deactivate because it is so hard not to stare at his pics when I'm on facebook.

    I have two other concerns. One is that since I have ASD, I was bullied, slandered and teased at the school we attended together. I worry that he may have been one of the people who slandered and teased me and that he may be afraid to admit that because I made a song about how I was treated, although of course I said no names. Since we were children and he was not even close to the worst of my bullies (to my knowledge he wasn't a bully at all, he just didn't get me), I would be willing to let it go if that is the issue. I can't just randomly bring that up because he may not remember any of that at all and it may have nothing to do with why he is not expressing tons of interest. It is clear by looking at my facebook that I am not any of the things that were said about me.

    But I also worry that some of the mutual friends we have could still be slandering me because a few of them are men who have tried to have sex with me and I know all too well that some men, when they get rejected, like to call a woman a whore. It has happened to me a lot.

    Or it could simply be he doesn't like the asd or the schiz, I am open about them in some songs and on my info box, because I would rather ppl reject me now rather than later. The fact is you can actually have a very fulfilling relationship with someone who has my issues. I don't know how to convince him of that though other than by always sharing pics of my two beautiful kids and my family, and again, it may or may not be the issue.

    Is there any chance someone could behave like this and still be interested in me? I don't know what to think. I feel like I have said enough to him and at this point I am going to have to wait to become completely single and see if he comes to me.

    1. dashingscorpio profile image85
      dashingscorpioposted 11 months ago in reply to this

      chamarie33

      You need a relationship detox!
      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.
      You need to get your priorities in order.
      A little therapy might not be bad for you either.

      The last thing you should be concerned about is jumping into another relationship. You have two children to think about.

      Whether or not this guy is "interested in you" or not is unimportant at this time. You have to make plans to provide for your children as well as continue to address your health issues.

      Just because this guy gets high and plays music doesn't mean he will be an ideal mate for you anyway. He does have a point of not wanting to get involved with someone who technically married. For all he knows you could reconcile or there may be some "drama" to deal with from your husband.
      Having kids together usually means you'll be connected forever.

      My guess is you're just lonely right now. However your focus should be on building a solid foundation for your children. This should entail putting more effort into a career path that will pay your bills. You can play music on weekends or whatever.

      You didn't mention your age but based upon the fact that your main contact with this other guy is through Facebook rather than picking up the phone and calling each other I'm guessing you are in your 20s.

      Do you even have your own apartment/house are did you move in with your parents? You combine that with still being married, your medical issues, and having two children is likely to give many men a reason to pause especially if he has a child of his own.

      Older folks tend not to rely on Facebook for courtship activities.
      Even if this guy has no genuine interest in you just remember there are over 7 Billion people on this planet. You're putting way too much energy and effort into getting into another relationship.

      Remember this; If a man is "interested" in you (he) will make it known.
      Anytime a woman has to try and "figure out" what a man is thinking that's a sign that he doesn't believe you may be "the one" for him.

      And in order for him to be "the one" for you he would have to see you as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! My guess is if you stopped making contact with you he probably would not reach out to you.

      As I said finding a man should not be your top priority right now.
      Make a list of the things you need to do in order to put yourself in a better place financially and mentally. Consider joining a support group but get some help. A man can't help you escape from issues you're running away from. Wherever you go there (you) are.

      1. 61
        chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

        Do you think it would be  best for me to delete him if I feel attracted to him since it is bothering me so much or should I just leave him there? You said "My guess is if you stopped making contact with you he probably would not reach out to you." So you are saying that he is not going to just take interest in me because I back off?

        1. 61
          chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

          By the way I have asperger's syndrome and I'm 33 and the guy did say he was interested in me when I brought it to his attention. Facebook and the internet would be my preferred method of meeting people given my condition.

        2. dashingscorpio profile image85
          dashingscorpioposted 11 months ago in reply to this

          I'm saying this guy has no real romantic interest in you.
          If someone says: "we could hang out" that's not a ringing endorsement of romantic interest. You don't want to end up being a "booty call" or "friends with benefits" with someone you actually care about.
          FYI- Grown men don't just "hang out" with women they're interested in.

          That would be a recipe for heartache.

          Even now it seems as if you're overly "emotionally invested" in the outcome of your friendship with him. I'm just saying relax and don't put all your eggs into this basket. I understand you have asperger's syndrome however people with it before there was an Internet or Facebook found ways to meet people and communicate. Any worthwhile relationship will require conducting some phone conversations and in person dates.

          This is why suggested you might benefit from therapy or support group.
          www.grasp.org/   www.aspergersyndrome.org and
          www.asperger-syndrome.meetup.com   

          Getting a new man should not be your top priority!

          There are even online dating sites for people with Aspergers.
          www.aspergersdatingsite.com
          https://www.facebook.com/AspergersASD-D … 9/?fref=nf

          1. 61
            chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

            I asked him if he wanted to hang out and  he said "if you become single we can hang out." I don't understand how you can conclude he has no romantic interest. He may not be interested in getting involved with a married woman.

          2. 61
            chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

            The guy did express interest in me. Whether it is romantic or sexual is to be determined but i have made it clear on my facebook many of times that I'm not into casual sex. I was saying that lately he has not liked any of my videos, but he does like my pictures. There are people who never like my videos who are actually downloading them and saving them in their phones so I am not sure. Plus I saw a tweet from his brother last night that something might be wrong with their mom. So he could be thinking about other things and does not want to get heavily involved until I'm single.

            1. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
              Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago in reply to this

              Once you are single, he will marry you!
              Yay!!! Have a great life!

              1. 61
                chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                I wasn't implying that, I was only saying that I'm sure if he weren't interested he could have just said so. He has not said that he wasn't interested, I was just trying to understand why he would stop liking my music videos.

                1. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
                  Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago in reply to this

                  ~ actually,  who can tell you unless you ask him directly?

                  Just keyboard this:
                  " I have a mad crush on you. I don't know why. Its seems to be a case of Radar Love on my part and I Can See For Miles.
                  Please tell me if I have a chance to be taken seriously by you. I may have a bit of a special need, but that is actually a plus as it makes me very curious and interesting and …(or whatever)
                  Signed,
                  Love struck. smiley face.




                  and see what he says.

                  Now go do it and let us know how he reacts!

    2. Credence2 profile image85
      Credence2posted 11 months ago in reply to this

      The man is being cautious, if I were him I would not get serious with a married woman, until the separation/ divorce is official and I would be free and clear to navigate.

      Older guys are smart enough not to rush into things, headlong. We need to get the lay of the land and assess the situation, so don't be too anxious, give the guy some space and time.

      Just my opinion...

      1. 61
        chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

        I would agree more with your answer. He did not say hell no I'm not interested in you. He didn't delete me, yet, and he has liked my pictures. He has just been cautious about talking too much or getting together. It is hard for me to put myself in his shoes but I would probably do the same thing if the tables were turned, it doesn't mean that he is uninterested. He told me that we could hang out if I became single. He did not say "if you become single and if I am still single then," to me that sounded initially like interest in me as opposed to other women. He could have thrown in, "if we are both single at that time." It sounds like he is planning to stay single unless someone wows him.

        1. Credence2 profile image85
          Credence2posted 11 months ago in reply to this

          Thanks for the acknowledgment, remember don't force a man into a corner. I would resent the pressure and it is too early, when other critical concerns have yet to be resolved. That is, if I were standing where this guy is right now.

      2. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
        Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago in reply to this

        Credence, this is good advice, but in actuality, can guys take someone who is married all that seriously?
        I wouldn't if I were a guy!
        How often does one WAIT until the married person gets a divorce? Divorce proceedings take forever and are a miserable ordeal. The one going through it could change their minds ... anything could happen. She could fall in love with her lawyer, or someone else's spouse, or become a nun.
        One never knows what the future holds..  No intelligent man would wait.
        He would date others, He would live his LIFE!
        I really don't think she has a shot in hell.
        (Don't tell her I said that.)

        1. Credence2 profile image85
          Credence2posted 11 months ago in reply to this

          She is in earnest about this gentleman and their chemistry. I would not object to her solely because she HAD BEEN married. On the search for companionship, I am realistic enough to know that at older ages it is unrealistic to  expect most women not to have been married at some time in the past.

          Until the married woman gets a divorse, I would walk lightly Then there is the other issue, is her mind and heart completely divorced from her X. Men do not like living in someone else's shadow. Any thoughful man needs to think about these things if he would consider the lady beyond a relationship that could be defined as friendship.

          I was enamored with the lady friend, I could keep my hot and heavy relationships down until I could determine what direction she was going in and was it at all deliberate speed. I could wait but not indefinitely. But, in the meantime we could always enhance our friendship. It does not have to be all or nothing. I would be more determined to hang on longer when friendship gets solid and more enduring .

          I think that she could have a chance, if she plays the cards right.

          1. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
            Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago in reply to this

            Dear Credence:
            My, My!  I am quite sure you have just made her day!
            (And I think we can all forgive you for being a liberal. smile)

            1. Credence2 profile image85
              Credence2posted 11 months ago in reply to this

              Sometime we libs can be pretty smart people, thank you...

            2. 61
              chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

              I don't want to sound conceited but I'm beautiful and I'm one of the best singers in my city and he is a musician. So he would have a lot to gain from dating me. I could make him far richer than he is. Plus he knew me when we were kids. Now granted he is still not liking my posts so I'm not going to hold my breath. I don't expect him not to see other girls right now and I never told him he had to wait on me. But he himself said he would see me if I became single, he did not say "if I am still single at that time." I do think I have a chance but I'm not going to say it is guaranteed. I do know that if he finds someone else I will definitely be deleting him!

              1. 61
                chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                In addition to all of the stuff I just said, I was the girl that everyone wanted at that school, and no one got a chance to date me because I was taken over by a stalker boy.

                1. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
                  Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago in reply to this

                  It happens.
                  You poor thing.
                  Destiny was somehow averted.
                  Destiny could again be averted, so close, yet so far.
                  - sigh.
                  write a novel based on all this. It'll be good.

                  1. 61
                    chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                    I'm not sure why you are being so negative. It seems like you don't want it to happen.

          2. 61
            chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

            Well Credence, I deleted him so if he is simply being cautious, you think I've screwed up my chances? It's kind of hard to look at someone you like thinking you most likely won't get him.

            1. Credence2 profile image85
              Credence2posted 11 months ago in reply to this

              I think you told him loud and clear that you were not interested. As a guy, I would certainly move along if you take this step demonstrating that you were no longer interested. Why assume that 'you would not get him'? You should have left your options open, allowing him his comfort zone to do the same.

              He was being cautious just in case you would do what you did. And, you did it.

              1. 61
                chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                He was ignoring me and he ignored my birthday wishes! He could at least say thank you! No I'm not interested in liking someone more than he likes me, being stood up when he said he would call me, and then having even my birthday wish ignored. That's not healthy for me. I sent him a brief little e-mail and he ignored that too. No I'm not interested in being ignored.

                1. 61
                  chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                  Also I gave him lots of support on his videos, which he does not even need. I was tagging him on my videos. He wouldn't even like them anymore. I'm the one who is struggling and I never asked him for a dime. All I wanted was for people to support my music. I was liking his videos and subscribed to him, he never subscribed to me or anything.

                2. Credence2 profile image85
                  Credence2posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                  I am sorry, I understand. He was not being responsive and not communicating it to you clearly. He made it CLEAR in his behavior that he was not interested. I hope that this situation does not put you off in your pursuit of love and companionship. It is certainly not over for you. With a little time and patience your Prince Charming will come along, sometimes from a completely unexpected place.

                  1. 61
                    chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

                    Yeah it would be different if he just took a while to respond at least offered some support. I don't want to be chasing somebody. If he can't reciprocate I would rather cut it off now because I can fall for men pretty hard and don't need that kind of pain. It already hurts unfortunately.

  2. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
    Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago

    Good things come is threes so I have three pieces of advice for you:

    FIND self.
    find SELF
    Find Self.

    If you do not take this advice, you will never find happiness anywhere, with anyone.
    How does one find self?
    Focus, feel, perceive and pursue what make you happy from within as far as work, hobbies, talents and personal goals, hopes, dreams and ambitions.

    and finally,
    FORGET THAT GUY!

  3. Kathryn L Hill profile image86
    Kathryn L Hillposted 11 months ago

    maybe you are too old for him. He is 30 and you are 33. Men like being the older one, usually. Especially if they are Capricorns.
    AND born on the 1st.  big_smile
    What sign are you?

  4. calculus-geometry profile image85
    calculus-geometryposted 11 months ago

    I feel sorry for your husband, geesh.

    1. 61
      chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

      Well maybe you should try going for ten years not being able to sing and getting verbally abused/controlled. You act like you know him or something. How dare you trivialize my issues. You don't know my husband.

      1. calculus-geometry profile image85
        calculus-geometryposted 11 months ago in reply to this

        It was very kind of you to divorce your husband, now he is free to find a woman who isn't as self-absorbed, stalkerish and socially inept as you are.  It's not hard to  see why the man you're stalking on facebook is ignoring you.

        1. 61
          chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

          I'm confused. Do you know my husband or me? May I ask you a question? If a man did not let you sing, put his kids before you,  never took you out on dates, and merely gave you a peck on the mouth while all he did was work all the time and yell at you when he gets home, would you stay or go? It is wrong for you to judge me. My dad is involved in my life and he fully agrees with me letting him go and no, I'm not a stalker. I am able to let men go. I liked the guy because I saw him as compatible, just as there are lots of men who like me because they see compatibility. I was asking about this to see what I should do about it. I'm not stalking him at all and have removed him from my profile. I'm confused at how you conclude that I'm such a piece of shit?

          Maybe you think women should just put up with control and verbal abuse because they are "married." You're the one who is messed up. Ask my family and friends what they think of me they know my story. They would disagree with you.

          1. 61
            chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

            Also having asperger's and being socially inept is not something a person chooses but you are choosing to be an asshole.

          2. calculus-geometry profile image85
            calculus-geometryposted 11 months ago in reply to this

            You seem like someone who is often confused.  Strange of you to ask if I know you or your husband, of course I don't.  It is easy for me to see what a self-absorbed person you are by reading your posts.  I'm sure your step kids are happy to see you go.

            1. 61
              chamarie33posted 11 months ago in reply to this

              lol I don't have step kids and no I have two biological children only and they are very happy with me. Whatever like I said you don't know me. Being socially inept as a result of asperger's is not a choice. A stalker is someone who follows people and doesn't leave them alone when asked. Stalkers get in trouble legally because stalking is a crime, at least where I live. I have never gone to jail for anything, let alone stalking.

 
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