I have been going through a insanely ugly divorce. This man that once claimed to have been willing to die for me will stop at anything to take everything away from me and hurt me. It was an abusive relationship and he did everything and yet i still tried. You know how it goes young and dumb. I thought maybe if we tried to be amicable maybe it would go okay. But this man tried to lie and file a false report to put me in jail to get custody of our girls however it only back fired on him for his p.i ended up to be our witness and thought he was crazy. He would lie and smirk in my face. And even before we had decided to divorce he had been cheating on me while i was pregnant with a suppossed family friend of his family. HE had been staying the night with her. And to top things off he would tell me that he wanted one on one time with our oldest daughter (since i was pregnant)only to be lying so he could play house with this girl. I would question them but they would both lie. But of course the truth comes out. Finally her husband whom she was seperated with bursted thier bubble to message me and tell me the truth and everything that i had already known and suspected. Then possesion is 9/10 of the law and trying to to keep from paying child support he tried to keep my oldest daughter for me. And only agreed for me to go out with my own child and daughter after i told him how i wanted to come back to him and how i loved him (i had to lie to see my girl and get her back). once the divorce started he lied about everything and continuely behaved as if he was invinceable and could do anything he wanted to me since he paid so much for a lawyer that was supposed to be the best. Its insane to think how we both loved each other whole heartedly to things to be so bitter and ugly between us. I never thought that the man i once loved would stop and nothing to try to hurt me and keep from supporting his own kids. after all i can honestly say divorce is hell on earth.
Anything you need or want to know so that you can feel better?
No i have been working on moving forward and church really has helped. I had once heard a sermon if the storm is bad enough to make you cry just think how much you will smile when the sun comes out. And now the sun had finally came out. But you know it does help to write things out to get it off your chest. My own personal therapy
he's still trying to manipulate and control you. I've been through this twice. one statement that sends their heads whirling: "You really need to get over me and move on because i have."
Your right about that and i realized that too but i stopped responding to his little remarks or pety actions. I told myself a longtime ago he can do to me what i allow him to do and i have lived by that every since.he doesn't have the power to hurt me and man does he get upset when i don't respond. All it does now is make me smile inside because i see who has the real power now.
Wow, im sorry to hear about your troubles. is there anything i can do to help? not financially though since im a bit strapped for cash myself, but i can listen to you and offer any opinion or advice that might make you feel better?
Oops, I hit the wrong button, I meant to reply to this post, not take it over. This is not my post, excuse me, I only wanted to say that divorce is your own personal hell, it is amazing to me how anyone that claims to love you can be so #$@&%$ mean! Sorry again about the misstep.
Divorce is in fact hell like. However the loss of a child, spouse or parent is as well. So much in life is not so much about what happens, but in how you react...i.e. what happens next. Through this next 12 to 24 months you will have the opportunity to find out who you are. If you take advantage of this opportunity you will walk away more confident and secure in yourself. You will also have several opportunities for wastefull distractions. These will offer a measure of relief for a short period of time, but offer no real long term value. So make your choices wisely, keep your life simple and consider only whats best for you and yours. Ignore all other factors. Finally remember the Children love both of you equally. Ensuring a loving relationship between child and parent is both parents responsibility.
i'm so sorry for all of this
things will get better though, even though it doesn't seem that way now. at least you're out of the relationship, which is a good thing.
stay strong, and good luck!
Everything that happens in life, was suppose to happen. One day you will look back and realize that your divorce was the best thing that ever happen to you.
I'm right behind you, I am beginning to think men just suck!!Is all about control and what they want and when they don't get it, its hell
You dont know men who think women are evil?
relationships gone wrong are the problem, nothing to do with sexes.
communication breakdowns and ..hurt feelings..and lies nand distrust and previous issues, and there is so much more then "men vs women"....
walls get built up and broke down and hearts get crushed and walls get built back up agian...
I'm guessing that you have not been with the right man.
I do not know you, but I am so sorry for all this pain. May you overcome and move on, where there is more light and a brighter future.
oh I hope can have more time to talk to you personally, slowly by slowly, you need to move on, dont look back, just remember all the things he had done to you and thats reason enough to gather yourself, and your children needs a mother who will show them what is right, divorce is ugly yes, but you just need to take it one day at a time. Moving on and having a good life is a good revenge, although we dont want revenge...
dont let other man do that again to you! love yourself more and bless you...
I remember a friend telling me, when I was going through something, "They can kill you, but they can't eat you." I love that, for some odd reason.
I hate divorces.. my best friend just had to go through one. Tough times..
I'm sorry to hear that.
I just read Donald Trump's book "Think Big & Kick Ass" and he has a whole chapter on pre-nups.
He says it doesn't matter how rich or poor you are, you need one especially with the divorce rate at 60%. It saves both sides a headache and saves the kids.
I hope it all works out but definitely get a pre-nup in the future!
My divorce was fairly painless and amicable. Always a bit of emotional upheaval of course but no malice thankfully.
It will pass. I am really sorry for your ordeal.
My divorce was perfectly OK from the standpoint of the divorce settlement (no real disagreements, no kids involved), but some of the emotional stuff was bad. My husband had been married before, and he assumed that he could act just as he had in his prior divorce. He took his sweet time moving out, and that was the most difficult thing I had to deal with (I will spare you the details).
don't be sorry i believe everything happens for a reason. I had to deal with the devil but i was blessed and rewarded with the two angels in my life. As for your divorce i bet you wish you could of just put a notice on the door for him to vacate the premises lol how easy things would be. God bless
I am sorry to hear of your situation. Divorce sucks and I know how you feel.
check it out.
You sound like you are getting control of your responses but still hurting. Allow yourself time, I once read that you will hurt or grieve or be angry in turn for four months of every year of the marriage, so if you were married for four years that is 16 months, ten years 40 months. Calculate your own and please be wiser than me and stay away from a new relationship until the time is done, I rebounded to someone who hurt many many people and is now in jail, my child and me had all sorts of help to move across the country and away from him.
The depth and height of these emotions will gradually diminish but you should neither focus entirely on them nor totally deny them...just don't show them to him,his legal people or your kids.
The support of your church sounds good.
Posting here is good.
Flowers and music are good, I could not stand either until I had "recovored". I never did like chocolate much but if it helps indulge sometimes.
Live for yourself and your kids for now and show them strength, never criticise their father to them. They will know at another level that he has hurt you and maybe while they are young that may cause them some confusion but they will carry forward impressions of your fairhandedness. From what you have said they probably will not get the same from him...so have another little smile. Hey yeah it is ok to do that and feel a little bit of "gotcha"
I hope some of what I have said makes sense and/or can help, my heart goes out to you.
"Its insane to think how we both loved each other whole heartedly to things to be so bitter and ugly between us. I never thought that the man i once loved would stop and nothing to try to hurt me and keep from supporting his own kids."
Why? Why? How? How? How come? How come?
Sorry for the pain and suffering.
But, but, what is the other side of the coin? What turned an "I am okay, you are okay" relationship to "I am okay, you are not okay?" Who will know? God?
Yeah been there done that. The focus for me though was the kids. It's difficult to remove yourself from the emotions involved in a divorce but you must! You have to constantly question, what's best for the kids, how will this affect the kids, etc and you need to remind each other of that constantly. Always you have to try and remove yourself from the situation and become an outside observer. What's the fair thing to do? What's right?
If you can do that things will go along much easier. The first and most important step is acceptance. You must accept that's it's over and then you can both move forward. Revenge and hurt should never be a goal, there's no way to "even the score".
so true i thought atleast the kids would keep everything amicable for their sake but it seems that they have only been used as a tool. Eh just aswell i really don't believe in revenge except success thats the best revenge and plus kharma so why try to get even with everyone
So sorry you are going through this. I've had my problems with this too. Hopefully they are in the past forever.
The best thing you can do is document as much of his stunts as possible. Dates, times witnesses. These documents always hold up in court if they are verified by facts. Intent is harder to prove, but anything that you can prove about his intent, the better off you will be.
It's a miserable game and can go on for years. Hopefully you can bring this to a close much sooner than that.
so true my lawyer told me that what i been through is nothing compared to some of the divorces she has dealt with and they can last for years but hopefully he will tire of all this since i know i am
He sounds like a spoiled little moma's boy. I am sorry for your pain.
Your story sounds surprisingly similar to a friend of mine. I can say that you will make it through this, and keep your eyes upon Jesus.
Christians, pray for this girl.
i know i will get through this i feel it. And of course God has gotten me through so much words cant express how my faith has helped me in so many ways. but yes everyone can use prayer so please do
Divorce is a really bad time for all.
I doubt he's having very much fun; I KNOW your children aren't.
Maybe it's time to stop thinking like a victim of your circumstances and figure out what you have to work with, what you have to use, to get a stable, steady home going again for your children.
A job helps.
Good legal advice helps.
Support of your friends and family helps.
Count your assets, not your injuries, and you'll be that much further out of the woods.
I've been divorced twice and neither time was easy, but it ended up the way it had to end up. Once the whole thing was over it was easier to move on.
the main problem with divorce courts and family law is gender bias
I was sorry to hear you are going through a terrible time, CJ but it sounds like you are better off going through this now instead of being married to this man one second longer than absolutely necessary.
It sounds like all he wants to do is 'play' house he doesn't want to be a real husband but wants a wife.
With a 'Friend' her you have no need for enemies. I would do my best to keep as far away as you can from your daughter, who knows what she'll learn from a woman like that? The father however, just do your best with that situation.
As for yourself, emerge from this wiser, stronger and with your sanity in tact I'm sure.
At least you got two kids out of the marraige, just remember they need they're mother and be strong for yourself and your kids most of all.
It all comes out in the wash. Nothing happens for nothing,there is uncertainty, that is certian franki
Well, have you heard of the term a narcisstic personality? It sums up your ex very well. Puts you on a pedestal and knocks you off it and puts you on it etc. I know exactly what you are talking about, it is a pattern of behaviour. It is control.Chances are none of your friends and family liked him.
This will help;
Dont have any contact with him, it will make you feel bad ( even with two children you can limit your contact, just dont involve the children)
Dont agree anything with him, dont allow him any control.
Get a good lawyer ( see my articles for advice)
Dont think of the past,get him out of your head, you can not change your beginnings but you can change today your tomorrow.
Go back mentally to how you used to think and be before you married, become that person again.
There are worse things than this kind of divorce. There are also being poor and vulnerable because the system doesn't support you in collecting child support or protecting you and your children from the continued abuse and threats... and being discriminated against by the Welfares because you are a poor single mother trying to get away from the abuse. I eventually LOST my four children because of the aftermath of leaving our abuser.
I went through something very similar to this in the 1980s. I married him in 1983, and he rushed me as fast as he could. I figured out later that it was because he was having a very hard time covering up his true nature, and in fact, even before we married, he started attempting to abuse my first son by picking him up and throwing him hard into a bed. Yes, I got all over him about that, and he backed down, because he didn't have the papers on me yet! Somehow these men think that a marriage certificate disables a woman's mind and body so that she can't leave! I'm not going to go into all the horrible details, but when I finally finalized the divorce in 1991 and left the state to get as far from him as possible with my then four kids, I went into a domestic violence shelter and took a test on all the stuff that happened to me/us... I sat there and circled everything on the page except actual death. Then I sat there for a moment and looked at it. Then I cried. A couple of months later, I had my 40th birthday, and cried again. Although I didn't realize it until I'd gotten far away, I never thought I would live to be 40. But at least I didn't stay 20 years, or till he killed me, like a lot of women.
For the next more than a decade, he and the males of my family made it so hot for me that I couldn't live in KY, though I was forced to go back there in order to get the kids back from him after a male social worker (a ROGUE one!) put the kids on a plane and took them and gave them to him to be abused for four months, until I could finally get him to court and get them back. Every time I turned around, once I finally left KY again, I was getting threats of him sending the cops after me for violating the court order commanding me to stay there and absorb his abuse!!! Finally I wound up in Maine, and ladies, NEVER go there with children if you are poor, because all they do is break up the families of the poor and collect the federal subsidies that states are paid for doing this. There's no work to be had, and if you're on welfare, you're fair game for DHS. My kids were taken away, and from the outset, they never intended to return them, and lied every way they could to make sure I was made out to be a total criminal and slut and you name it. Oh, sorry, they didn't take all of my kids, they left my oldest son. He was three months away from his 18th birthday. They couldn't get much out of my oldest, so they left him with me. And they strong-armed the foster parents into adopting my three younger kids. We've slowly all gotten reacquainted, but my older daughter told me, after coming back a couple of years after the first try at age 16, when she ran away from the foster parent: "I had been told all these years what you are like, and then when I met you again, you weren't anything like that, and it confused me too much, so I ran away from you and went back."
These men are all alike. It's incredible how no matter what nationality, religion, ethnicity, economic status, or ANYTHING you can name, they might be, they are identical!!! The patterns are all pretty much the same, too. And if you stay with them long enough, they'll kill you. My ex was constantly telling me, "I'd kill you, but I'm not going to the pen over a dumb SOB like you." But he tried it, anyway. For example, once he worked on one of the wheels of my car, so that the brakes failed as I was driving over a steep hill. Luckily, I found a parking lot that I could drive into, and bumped into the building with my front end.
Now I'm getting old, but I'm going to get to be older than our monster. A few years back, he was put in a nursing home. He has early onset Alzheimers Disease which probably came about due to his lifelong EXTREMELY heavy drinking! The kids are all adults now, but they and I alike can only feel abject relief that he can't ever do anything to us again. I'm back in KY now, because at last I can feel safe here!
So sometimes what goes around really does come around!
I hope you have some way of developing a circle of support to protect your children from being remanded into your ex's custody. I was never able to do this myself, but I hope and pray you are luckier and smarter than I was.
Take care, dear lady, and make God spread his shelter over you and your kids.
Every cloud has a silver lining...yours; you need to be jumping up and down to have this abusive clown out of your life. Also you should be pretty proud of yourself that you're no longer gullible, young and dumb.
Believe me been there done that you say he said he'd die for you but he's abusive...you don't hurt the one you love.
Be glad you and your children are out of the maddness. Focus and concentrate on removing yourself totally. He doesn't love you or your children he wants control. The situation may get worse your ex sounds nuts and dangerous. Be wary and be careful.
Answering the original question - yes, there is something worse than a divorce. Just I don't think you want to know about it.
Divorce, however hard it might be, is not a fatal thing - it's just the change of your life. Nothing irreversible.
Searched three good proverbs for your position .... hope you understand ....
1. It will be all right on the night
2. beggars can't be choosers
3. boys will be boys
I'm so sorry. I've been through a divorce (although not as nasty as yours) and it is awful. But (there is a but!) there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just think about this: you are getting out of the relationship. Things change and what may have seemed terrible at the time can be a huge step forward.
i felt like I married the devil himself also...while I was out of State visiting family, my husband filed a police report which included stealing his truck and fleeing the State. When I got the phone call from the local police I almost couldn't talk because of what I was being accused of. I returned home only to be arrested and held in jail for 31 days because of being a "flight risk", it took the Investigating Officer to come to court and with his testimony I was released. Our marriage was described as one of the most "unhealthiest" marriages he's ever delt with.
He filed divorce papers on me while I was in custody, he has ruined my small business by not letting me have my possesions, files, supplies and tools. He closed our accounts and has my primary vehicle. We have no kids together...THANK GOD.
It's ugly and messy and I have filed a Civil Suit for "knowingly giving false information with the intent to hurt".
I know I will make it through this...it has been rough, I have never been in jail in my life and do not plan on ever going back to jail.
I have not looked back, I can not believe after 11 years he hated me so much that he would come up with such an elaborate scheme. All he had to do was say: I want a divorce!
Keep you head held high and don't look back, you will also get though this to a greater and more full filling life.
wow he sounds related to my husband! i count the days waiting to get through it and i know i moved on because i feel complete again and i enjoy life fully. i hope he didn't ruin you small business completely and you do the same you sound like a smart woman and i will pray for you
I understnad what you are going through. i haven't really been married myself, but i have to deal with a dead beat who hasn't sent me any money for his children. We've been gone since last october. 2008, just before i had our youngest. But i can tell you, there are worse things out there other than divorce. For example, i have been fighting for my children since april of this year. my youngest got hurt by my old friend while i was at work. under all the stress of the situation, with my 6 month old in the hospital almost brain dead and dealing with DCFS, I had a choice to make. One i thought would help from getting my kids taken by DCFS. I gave my father's ex-wife, the one I've looked up to for years, get temporary custody of my kids. And this was only supposed to last untill the case with DCFS was done. Well every day now is a constant battle trying to see my children and trying to get in contact somehow. My youngest daughter turned 1 year yesterday and i didn't even get to talk to her and my oldest or anything. Everything that my fathers ex's disagrees with now, could lead to me not seeing my children for months at a time. Now that's hell on earth. I haven't seen or talked to my kids since the end of September. All because my father and his ex thought that i did the wrong thing when my 2 year old daughter came up to me and a family friend and said, "papa hurt me." and "papa touch me!!" i did the right thing and called the DCFS hotline and asked the best thing to do and they told me to take her to the ER and have her checked. Of course they had to call DCFS and they showed up at my step-mother's house and well lets just say, shit hit the fan! Because i did the right thing i can't see my kids or talk to them. Now i have to wait to go to court and get this all dropped and over with before i can see my kids again. So believe me, things could be worse... ALOT worse! Just fight! that's all i can say!
You are so right about "things could be worse" and I am sorry that you are having to fight for your children when you were the one who reported the wrong doing, I'm glad your daughter was able to come to you and you listened and took action, some parents don't always believe the child.
As you fight for your children, I have had to fight for my freedom and some women fight for their lives, it is all relative in the life of the other when any type of fight is necessary.
I can only pray that we who must fight come out of it stronger, wiser and happier than before the battle began.
There are so many books out there on divorce that just dont give the kind of support you need as I'm sure you've noticed already.. but.. I did by accident come across this book on abandonment and I swear to you its the most helpful book ive ever read. The author really helps you deal with the trauma of it all step by step... check it out, i hope it helps
<link snipped, no self promotional links>
It's always sad to see a marriage go through a divorce and I'm sorry to hear that the process was made even more difficult by someone who once loved you. It's a real bitch. You have a lot of strength though so just keep on walking.
Your ex sounds like my friend's ex and her divorce has been going on for years!
I had one of those crappy divorces where he used our daughter to get at me. It was awful. I ended up letting her go live with him, he turned her totally against me, and I went into clinical depression with suicidal thoughts. A really rough time. Now she's grown and knows the truth. It's mended, but he still hates me. Sometimes he's nice, sometimes he's rude....depends on how many beers he's had. Pitiful. I was so glad to be outta that marriage I never looked back. But what I faced in the singles world was just as bad. Ugh.
To answer the original question: Yes, in my opinion, being in a BAD marriage is more hellish than a divorce!
divorce..is there anything more like hell?
Yes, a bad marriage.
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