Cheating Ex

1. 52

   theluvrbelowposted 14 years ago

   Hello, here's my story I hope someone can relate and share with me some of your insights.
   I met my ex over the phone, we talked for six months every night, then I visited her and we made love that night.
   I met her family and we all hit it off splendidly.
   I fell in love with her madly so.
   
   So I relocated to her town, moved in with her and we planned and paid for our wedding, quite possibly one of the happiest days of my life, I resolved that I was going to die with this woman, she treated me so, so very good.
   I dont know what happened but my intuition kicked off, she was acting differently, not affectionate, we hardly made love , she slept away from me instead of the usual cuddling we used to do.
   
   Then one day out of the blue our bed was covered in powder, WTF?
   Nothing she had ever done before, then one day we where making love and she did it again, saying this wil cover the sex smell.
   OK, red flag, so I planted a recording device, mind you this is only five months after we where married, I recorded a man in the house, she was naked, she was shushing him to be quiet.
   Next recording she ran him into the bedroom, past the camera but not the bed, they made love , she orgasmed and he too, then she stood up to block the camera as he walked by.
   Next incident and mind you she knows I'm recording, they where kissing intesely, and making love, you could hear the skin on skin.
   
   Next time she sneaks him in and tells him to be quiet, she then tells him to turn the TV on.
   He yells her name in the heat of passion and they are in heated love making.
   Now mind you I had confronted her already about the cheating and she denied it, at the time my audio and video was grainy and not very clear, she knew what she was doing, so I learned audio forensics to clean up the audio and what I heard broke my heart all over again.
   
   We have since been divorced for a year now, and she is trying to get back with me, I'm a weak fool because I keep falling for her attention, I'm afraid of being alone and have all these doubts about myself, and she is comfortable and the uncertainty of being alone is bad, there the truth is out...
   I tell her that it wont work, because I dont trust her, she denies any wrong doing and tells me that I should just relax and go with it and enjoy being with her...
   Sounds like I'm a spineless blob doesnt it...
   Advice, Suggestions, anything

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   1. 0

      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      there's nothing wrong with being alone.
      
      why waste your energies and your heart on someone like that? she brought a stranger into your HOME. and your BED. and lied about it. not once but several times.
      
      be happy without her.

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2. 0

   Crazdwriterposted 14 years ago

   You are not a spinless blob as you put it, but sweety you deserve someone who is going to be there for you 100%, not cheating on you left and right, showing that she really doesn't love you.
   
   I haven't been cheated on wihle married, only back in HS but still hurt and pain is all the same when it comes to harsh relationships.
   
   If I were you, I would tell her no. She had her chance, she obviously has seen her mistakes but she blew it by A) cheating on you and B) denying it when she knew you had proof and knew as well.
   
   It's time to step up and tell her no! You won't be alone for your entire life. Why settle for a cheating unloveing uncaring whench who will just do it again when someone better and treats you even better may come along in the future?
   
   Be strong and tell her to go away! You deserve WAY better!

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3. 68

   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   Get Some Professional Help! Why have you come here to bleat?
   
   Clearly you get your rocks off by watching and listening to you partner getting her rocks off!
   
   Clearly, you don't trust yourself....
   Why don't you get a good book; instead of stalking the woman with bugs & videos?
   
   What a pathetic 'Hard Luck' Story.... Get a Real Life

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   1. 0

      lyricsingrayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hey PD whadszup?

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   2. 52

      theluvrbelowposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      And your entitled to your opine mate, ahh to be Euro, with a great point of view.
      As it stands, one thing to accuse someone, another to have proof.
      Getting off ? hmmmm dont think so.. while I may have a bit of OCD, I was trying to make sense of what was going on...help, man, I been there and all they want to do is keep the marriage together.. regardless of what happened.thats BS
      BS Post huh ? clearly you havent been hurt Yet, I say Yet.
      First of all I relocated to a new town, no fam or friends, I had to lay low while I found an apt. we married in April, affair discovered in Sept, I moved in March....I was gathering evidence because when Divorce time came I didnt want her to have anything over my head, smart huh ? I think so.
      So FYI that crap hurt, and still hurts......so I needed to vent and I came here to get thoughts from all spectrums, hard, fair and everything in between...

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      1. 58

         Brian Leightonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         If you want to keep the marriage together, then go back to her and make up. However, one of the most fundamential elements in marriage will be missing, and missing for a long time going forward... TRUST !
         
         If you want to be truly happy, then get over her and move on with your life. She isn't worth it. She already cheated on you and what is to say she will not do it again?
         
         The only right answer that you will hear in this forum is the one that your own head says is right for you and you already have that answer so why waste other peoples time asking them for an answer you already have?

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4. 68

   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   Hello mate... check your mail.
   
   What's with these BS Posts?

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5. 59

   wsp2469posted 14 years ago

   I don't know.  I want to tell you to NOT get back together with her BUT still f*ck her.  I also want you to answer pearldriver's accusation.  You knew what was going on early on why did you not do something about it sooner unless there is a (ahem) pearl of truth in his words?

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      lyricsingrayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      

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6. 59

   Black Lillyposted 14 years ago

   that's called addictive relationship.
   
   Personalities inclined to addictions, be it alcohol, clothes, sport, drugs, other people - anything, tend to have that "I want to break free but I can't".

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7. 0

   zampanoposted 14 years ago

   PearlDiver is right.
   You need treatment.
   You fell into a masochistic self pitty thing, man.
   Get away from it or it'll eat you.

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8. 57

   C.J. Wrightposted 14 years ago

   Ultimately you get what you tolerate.

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9. 57

   yoshi97posted 14 years ago

   I wouldn't go back to her ...
   
   A person can cheat on someone and still be madly in love with them ... but that cheating stems from an unresolved need in that person's life, and you won't be able to give them what they are missing ... if you could they would never have strayed
   
   I've seen this situation over and over again, and taking them back never works ... even when both parties are committed to making it work.
   
   The reason for this is because the underlying issue that caused the stray is still there and no amount of attraction or love can make it go away.
   
   Don't take her cheating as a personal rebuke. She'll go on to do it to others, forming a chain of fools that loved and lost. As for you, I suggest that you move on to find someone who isn't so shattered. The sooner you move on, the quicker your life will improve for the better.
   
   The fact that she cheated and you didn't proves that the problem exists within her, and as you can't repair her ... you need to walk off and heal your own pride.

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10. 52

    theluvrbelowposted 14 years ago

    I want to thank you all for your advice.
    I needed a slap and got that, I needed a hug and got that, I needed a dose of hard reality and got that..
    
    I am making my stand on what is right, regardless of what my own FUD tells me...
    
    Man up would be the appropriate term I suppose
    Again thank you all 4 your words....

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11. 0

    Crazdwriterposted 14 years ago

    Good luck to you theluvrbelow and welcome to hubpages!

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12. 67

    Alfinposted 14 years ago

    Hi theluvrbelow,
    
    One of the most important thing I have learned about man and woman relationship is, woman degree of love to a man is mostly based on her respect she has on him (that's why rich, famous or powerful chap usually gets ladies quite easily, because they have what many people respected, therefore ladies attracted to him).
    
    Anyway, back to your issue.
    
    From what your ex-wife did, is crystal clear that she don't respect you (at least not anymore), therefore, there is no way that she love you. So there is no point of being with woman (or person) who don't love you.
    
    My advise is get over her. Be tough, you're a knight in a shinning armor, go around with your white horse, save a new princess. And make sure you'd be the knight who deserve to be respected, and loved.
    
    Best luck

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13. 74

    JustSimple infoposted 14 years ago

    through every dark night there is a brighter day ahead...
    
    too many people in this world to be sad over one...... .love hurts, but there is too much life to live....
    
    
    
    find peace....
    
    find a new friend
    
    find church
    
    turn a negative into a positive...... too much life to live

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14. 0

    sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

    Tell her the only position open is mistress and you'll pay her for her time because you know she's worth it. She obviously does her best work on her back and she stinks as a partner.

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15. 61

    xiao_kangposted 14 years ago

    I've been cheated on too. I happened to walk in on my partner with someone else. It crushed me inside, I packed my stuff and was gone within the hour and never went back. Two years goes by and my ex tells me how sorry he was and that he truly loved me. I was moved but left with the question, can I really trust this cheating a$$hole? And since trust is a large part of a relationship I wasn't sure that we could really make it work the second time. I've since gone back to my ex (becausee I love him in a way I've never loved anybody else) but this time its on differant terms. A couple things changed after i was cheated on. The first: my expectation of a relationship and monogomy. I've alwasy seen myself in a monogomous relationship and thought that that's the way it should be but I've adapted that ideal slightly. I'm still looking for a long lasting, unwaivering commitment but truthfully that's not likely. I've learned we all are sexual beings with fantasies and desires. People need to explore, it may just be sexual exploration or adventure but it's not uncommon. Going back to my ex it was on the grounds that we live an open relationship. If he wants to get it somewhere else then he can as long as he tells me in advance and plays safe. The same goes for me. We've also discussed bringing in a third or more party for sexual encounters.  This is an unorthodox approach but we shouldn't tie ourselves down to the unrealistic expectations of our ancestors. It might be that her cheating was purely sex based. If that's the case, loosen up a little and go with it. That just might work and you might have a lot of fun.
    On the other hand, she may be one of those insecure people that thrive on what she can get from another man. Constantly empty and searching for more. If that's the case, she will never get enough and the problem isn't with you its with her. It's obvious you have given thought to getting back together with her, maybe you have feelings like I had, that she is irreplaceable, special, the ying to your yang. If that's the case go with it but don't be naive, no hidden cameras and unspoken suspicions. Keep things in the open, call her out. Talk about sex, what she wants and needs.
    It's a shame for a relationship to end for something so trivial as sex. I was hurt not because my lover was doing someone else but because he lied and hid it from me. Had he been more honest about it I could have been flexible, all the while maintaining the perfect relationship we had outside the bedroom. Since I've gone back to my ex I've noticed that he may be the insecure type, longing for approval, constantly needing something. I don't know how that will work but that kind of behavior I find totally unattractive and if he should cheat on me again I will be able to walk away with a smile on my face because I don't sleep with needy dogs. That's the attitude you should have. Don't pass up a potentially good thing but don't be scared to drop it at a moments notice and continue your life. There are better people out there.
    Tread carefully but most of all be confident in yourself.

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16. 58

    cami2403posted 14 years ago

    oh my god. what a bitch. you should block all her calls, and move as far from her as possible. she knows your weak for her, and uses that against you, so the only thing you can do is blocker her from all aspects of your life.
    i've been hurt before and from experience, no matter how much you try to forgive and forget the past, it is hard. now that the foundation of trust has been broken, it will never be repaired, there are cracks. my theory is if you cheat once, you will cheat again. are you sure you could forgive her, knowing that you would fel the need to check on her daily? to implant recording devices? you cant record her every move, if you go back to her your life will be filled with paranoia and heart ache. forget her, there are plenty more fish in the sea, and not all women are bitches.
    this marriage has been destroyed beyond repair.

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       affairdetectorposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       so true

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