I’m a 32 years old lady. I wasted 12 years on a deadbeat boyfriend.
For the initial 7 years we lived in overseas ( in UK) and cohabited for 7 years. At that time we were students. Now we are living in different country. He visited me 3-4 times a year for the past 5 years.
This man will turn 37 soon, but has the maturity of an early twenty man. I was a fool who fell for a total jerk-off. He lives in flat with his mum and his mum’s partner. Therefore he has no rent to pay, no car and doesn’t has his own flat. He never takes a day of professional job once he graduated from university. After finished his undergraduate study, he pursued to his graduated study. At once he said the reason he pursue further studies was because he was afraid to come out working. He spent another 5 years in the university, lost interest in his reseach topic and failed to get a graduate degree. He wasted 5 years. In my mind, I don’t see getting a phd is crucial. Plenty of people on the street still get a good earning and comfortable life with a basic degree. Being a understanding lady,I gave him plenty of time ( another 4 -5 years) and space to reset his career path.
As he staying with his mum, he whined a lot and hates the environment completely. He said he don’t have space and feel trapped in the flat. Because there is always someone in the flat and don’t have enough privacy to do his online business planning. Honestly say, I don’t think it is right to shift the blame to his mum. His mum is the at the semi-retired age ( 60 years old). At this age she is probably feel she is too tired to go out. He is the person who should responsible to get the life he wants.
When we would go out, which was rare, I always paid for my share. I feel very guilty to spend his money. For every visiting period, I will try my best to serve him very well. He doesn’t have money, therefore I make home cook food to cut down the expenses of eating out. I offered him good sex, keep myself fit to look well. I am trying my best to be a successful businesswomen, a good wife to be, an excellent chef, a sluttish lady in the bedroom. For all the efforts I put into this relationship, I received northing. No promised future and, not even a ring. This sink me into the deepest depression that I can ever imagine. The suicidal thoughts always come into my mind. The pictures of turning on the carbon monoxide in the car and sink my car into river bank always surface. My business life is so hectic and busy, it distracts me a lot. It numbs the sadness in my heart. On the outside I am still a bubbly lady. Even my parent living in the same household doesn’t know I am slowly sinking into the depression.
Like other jobless man, he talks about what he’s gonna do with his life but no result showing. Now he is selling some mechandises on ebay, the traffic is slow. The income he bring in not enough to keep a cat. He refuses to look up for job, he said no one will hire a 37 years old man without any working experiences. He also has very bad temperament. Often he would disappear for 10 days plus , and ignore all my calls in that period. So I would decide distance myself from him and ignore his calls. This would cause him to flip out. He left nasty email messages . WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR MOBILE?
Due to unhappiness at his mum home, he asked me to move out from my parent home , find a new place and move in with him. He said he can pay his own foods and I paid the rest of the bill! I told him without his income stability I wont’ move a finger! This is an iron rule. If he insist to move out from her mum's home to a rented room,I am willing to pay 50% of the rent. This round he came back make this comment.
“i want to say more about moving out but because i know you and your artificial rules would meant its better not to discuss it further. but i will remember that you are in the position to help but you choose not to. so you better pray that you never ever need my help in the future cos i won't be rendering you any!”
This comments utterly shatter my heart.
He proposed to move out 2 years ago, luckily I never did it. Two years after he still remain jobless stay with mum.
I am angry at myself for staying with him for so long. It was difficult. He was really good in bed and had a few other good qualities. I have higher standards and expectations involving the company I keep. I am a great person, and I refuse to settle for anything less.
Should I leave this behind my back?
Ok.. First of all i never see a lady at this utmost sacrificing point of view. You are simply great and please please just forget about this thing SUICIDE, never try to come this in your mind. There is so much time for you to start a new life dear, just take experience from the past. Simply you are great.
And you still have QUESTIONS about what to do?!?
Read what you've written here...
I wanted to comment on this more extensively, but somehow have no words. Just read your own post.
I would say it's high time that you focused on what you wanted and went for it.
you should have left this guy behind your back ages ago !
You've been wasting 12 years of your life on 'nothing'
time to move on
OK, first off, don't commit suicide . . . like really don't. Like you said, you're a great person. If in fact you do feel that way about yourself, your next move should be relatively easy.
But just to spell it out . . . YES, LEAVE HIM!
Let me get this straight: he doesn't work, has never worked and couldn't even get his higher education under his hat in due time?
I'm sure it's intimidating to leave a situation you have gotten so used to, but your own words are a dead giveaway that it's time. You say you have high standards for the company you keep . . . I think it's time to exercize those standards.
Make it over that hurdle and the rest should be easy.
Best of luck to you.
You're a smart woman. Get out of this mess and get your life back!
hi tantrum. even smart women get stupid about relationships.
I was trying to be sensitive and supportive, be nice.
Please move on, you deserve better than these. Believe me there are some wonderful men out there. You have alot of life left to live. Start Living!
A question: where does he go on these ten day jaunts? Maybe he's got another woman somewhere, which would make him even more of a deadbeat!
I don't know you and am really guessing here, but I bet part of the reason you feel so depressed and suicidal is that you *know* you've wasted your time on this man and have therefore probably missed out on at least a couple of partners who would have been so much better for you.
Good Lord, don't waste another second on this manipulative loser. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Do something for yourself and stay off men for awhile. As soon as you get to where you feel you don't need one and are happy, the right one will just show up.
Works every time. Good luck.
In life, if you keep the doing the same things, then you can't expect things to change. It's time to move on. Turn the page, and start a new chapter.
Since you posted this question, should be grounds to move on.
As human nature, we tend to fear change and live by being "comfortable", even though comfortable might not be a healthy environment.
Just even posing this question should be proof enough that you need a change
wow Tim, that has to be one of the best things Ive seen you say!!
That is so true. I was thinking about my own life when I read what you said here and I realized if I'd left the first time I started wondering if I should I'd have been better off in each and every case.
Girl kick him to the curb aint ands ifs and buts. He is def no good. If you need some tips on how i wrote a blog called Get rod of ya no good man. His wasting your time so you need to move on. It will hurt but your hurt soon will heal.
I think you're scared to leave him and that after 12 years perhaps you do not know how to be with anyone else. He is not your partner in life and never will be.
There is only one way to deal with this. Never ever speak to him again. Instant cut off. Brick wall. A slow withdrawal won't work.
No man is worth killing yourself. You are valuable, and you are loved I'm sure by your family and friends. The writing is on the wall for you, and though you may feel that you have wasted time let me just tell you that your best days are yet to come. I'm in a similar situation, except I'm married. I'm 32 as well, but I know my self worth. It's time for you to know yours. Move on and learn from this experience. It could be worse, you could have children, be married, and be stuck with a dead beat, but you're not. So don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes.
In the last five years, you've only seen him three or four times a year? This isn't a relationship. It's a fantasy. And not a nice one. Move on with your life.
It's hard to end a12 year old relationship, but the truth is, it sounds like that relationship ended years ago. A relationship between two people is supposed to move forward not backwards. Think about what it is that is tying you to him. Great sex is amazing, but never enough. You should feel connected with someone not only in bed, but in your mind and soul as well.
Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939
French writer (1900 - 1944)
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