I accidentally opened my husband's FB page and saw the thread where he had been chatting with this girl from HS about some pic that was recently posted. It was innocent enough.....except for one part where she's fishing for a compliment and he tells her she "looks great" in the pic.
Later that day I said something about chatting...and he says..."I'm not a chatter" ....I told him I can tell he's chatting with someone when I walk up to him and automatically closes the window he's in and I can SEE he's been typing. I probed further becuase I KNEW he was just online that morning chatting with this chic and he out and out denies doing ANY chatting....except for this one time...bla bla bla. WTF ??? I was SOOOO angry....not about the chatting,but that he would LIE to me about it!! The ease in which he told me that he NEVER does that, really is getting to me. I know classic lying signals...and he didn't do any of these. Now I am wondering what else does he lie to me about??
Overall I'd say we have a great relationship....but now I am wondering if I have just been duped all this time by a pathalogical liar!!! Feelin stupid!
You never have to 'accidentally' open your husband's FB.Never !
See what happens if you do ?
Now, cope with it !
Maybe he's telling the truth. You discovered proof that he had been chatting exactly once. He said he has only ever chatted exactly once.
And it's not some immortal sin to tell another person they look great. If the chat seemed innocent, why not just let it go? Your husband deserves some privacy. You don't need to know what he's doing 24/7.
This sounds like more of an insecurity issue that is YOURS than an issue with your husband lying.
Thanks Pani for your perceptive answer
You are right....he does deserve privacy and I don't need to know what he's doing 24/7.......except that I FEEL like I do I guess. I feel that if I'm not in control.....something bad is going to happen.That is exaclty the insecurity in me. I DO have trust issues have been to counseling...bla bla bla.
It's something I struggle with....not all the time....( when things are going well, I think I'm over it).....but when things in my life get rocky, the insecurity does rear it's ugly head.
I did have a great therapist, but she doesn't except my insurance anymore, and her fees are too much.SO...there you go....now I have online therapy..
how do you "accidentally" open someone's chat? in facebook, the chat closes automatically as soon as you exit it. if it's open, you have to scroll way up to read entire convos...facebook only shows one or two lines at a time.
and so...he told her she looked great. SO?!
he probably didn't tell you because he knows you...he knew you would react this way.
you are lucky to have a man who knows you as well as your husband does.
So many comforting responses..........yes I did open the the chat scroll.....that's the mistrust in me.
That's why I can't admit it to him, because then he would know I was spying on him......which would probably make things worse.
If he wasn't acting so moody and distant lately It wouldn't bother me as much. .....but when he's acting distant and I find out he's "chatting" with someone else...well...my red flag goes up.....even though it's probably innocent. I have just read and heard too much about how affairs get started.....innocently and emotionally....and I just want to cut it off at the pass before it does become something.
I guess I just feel that I have to be Hyper-vigilant or I'll miss something.
My hubby has had emotional affairs.
Dont bring up the facebook thing, I do understand how easy it is to get worried and have your imagiantion run away with you.
He's distant, your nervous, something besides Facebook started this, you need to figure THAT one out, and deal with it. You have to talk to him.
See, Facebook is just a symptom. Not the reason.
How did you find out about your husband's emotional affairs and
How did you deal with it?
You can just email me, ok? I don't care to write about it in forums....
my point is I understand your nervousness, but I do not think just saying "you look nice" = an affair.
whenever 2 people can not communicate well in a relationship, problems can pop up.
I think there are times when men will just tell you what they think you want to hear to avoid potential controversy. Look at the overall health of your relationship and if everything is going well, let it go. If he gives you other reasons to be concerned, you may need to work on some things together.
well if he is cheating on you through facebook, then he has to be the dumbest guy in the world then. no offense. even though I don't use facebook often, other than to post links to my hubs. but from what i do know about facebook, can't you easily follow any conversation on anyone's profile? therefore, why would he cheat on you, on a site where he could easily be caught? NO, IM NOT CONDONING OR AM I ENDORSING CHEATING IN ANY FORM. I'm merely trying to make a point. from what you just posted in your original statement, telling a girl that she looks nice isn't cheating. now if he said something along the lines of "wow, you look pretty hot!" or "hows it going sexy?" Something along those lines, then i might have to agree with your suspicion.
If a man just tells a girl, "hey you look nice", it doesn't mean anything necessarily. hell, i tell my own mother she looks nice sometimes just to flatter her or be nice. would you say i was hitting on my own mom by telling her she looked nice?!? hell no. not that i don't love my mother, but just not in that way.
the point is, i wouldn't breath too much into this. by your own admission you even said that your entire relationship as a whole is fine. therefore, just focus on that.
however, i would strongly encourage you to follow Ms. Chievous and Justine's advices though, as they seemed to have the most constructive advice on this forum thus far. therefore, i think you should try following them on this.
if it truly bothers you though, then the only thing i can tell you is to talk about it with him. sure, you both may end up getting into an argument over it, but all relationships are like that. no relationship will ever be perfect. however, that's what makes relationships so special though. the fact that no matter what harsh diversity you two go through together. in the end, you two will always be willing to work it out, so you two will always be together. it's when one of the partners in the relationship doesn't want to make it work, that's when you start to have problems. however, if you two love each other enough, im sure you two will still be together no matter what. all relationships have their ups and downs, but that's what makes them worth it. as anything worth keeping, is definitely worth fighting for. get my point?
to quote topher grace from the film "Valentine's Day": "To love someone, you can't just love the parts about a person that you like. You have to even love them for the parts about them that you don't like too as well."
OMG! Seriously? Is this for real??? Surely not.
Inferiority complexes are ugly as ugly can be.
WOW...This was exactly how I found out my husband was cheating....I dont want to get into the details but I wished that I listened to my gut...Where there is smoke there is fire...If he's denying it that means he is doing something wrong and he knows it...This is only the beginning....get out while u can or nip it in the bud and continue to spy on him....I did that and when I had the black and white evidence I turned his chat conversation into a screansaver over a picture of the two of them...bloody bastard....there was no denying...
You need to grow up!
And accidentally not looking at other peoples stuff.
No wonder he is a chatter with other Facebook women if this is your reaction! lol!....could be innocent, but could be an internet affair, who knows? whatever the case....
I bet you check his mobile phone for messages, his coat pockets for love notes and his clothes for kinky knickers!!!
Maybe she DID look great.
Just because you're married, it doesn't mean your partner isn't suppose to stop being polite to people, look at them or chat from time to time with people who share like-interests.
If you are going to assume a bunch of things at this point, your partner is going to end up on the wrong end of a bunch of assumptions of yours if you're not careful. Why not sit down and have a conversation about this stuff?
Well, first of all, yes, chatting can be harmless....IF...it's not hidden. You two should have the trust that you could give eachother your FB password and not worry. I would worry too if he had been lying about other things. The only reason I say that is because I went through a similar thing with a past boyfriend. He would close the chat windows when he heard me coming up behind him, and he would click on something else right away. There were several things making me wonder about what he was doing behind my back...that's why I put a keystroker program on my computer...everytime he was on it, every word he typed, including chat, and passwords, I got to see all of it. You should try that sometime! I busted him on several things! Needless to say, we are no longer together. I couldn't trust him at all!
The thing is, once you've opened Pandora's Box, it's very hard to forget anything you have seen or heard. It happened to me, only with an ex's phone. Everytime a message appeared I would wonder who it was. He would never leave his phone alone with me and would always switch it off at night. Bottom line was, I had to find out. So I confronted him. You have to talk. Talk to your partner, explain that this sort of behaviour unsettles you and try and work around it. Half of the problem is the fact that he hides things from you. By him just simply not acting shifty, you are less likely to feel worried. Men sometimes feel the need to protect their privacy but tend to go OTT. They don't realise that by keeping things to themselves can cause you to wonder what's going on. Most of the time it's completely harmless. Also, trust your gut instinct. If it's telling you that something is wrong, then it most likely is.
Why don't you confront him with the allegations
I agree with speedbird you should get it out in the open and tell him what you saw.
A lot of times those insecurities come from somewhere. Has he personally done something to you in the past to make you feel this way?
Either way he is your husband and there is no such thing as 'privacy'. Anyone that says that has never been in a stable relationship or has never been married. That 'privacy' everyone is talking about on here is for single people and not for those in a real relationship. Marriage means being open and completely honest.
Telling another female in itself isn't bad. However, that door if left unchecked even though quite innocent from the beginning can lead to other things.
If this bothers you then that is all that matters, not what Joe Schmo on here says that matters. No one on here has the right to scold you or make you feel bad. It is your marriage and you know your husband better than anyone else.
I would be angry too.
That is not allowed. He wants to chat?.... what are you there for?
How would he like it if you did that? And lied?
Chatting is not just an innocent thing...it's being intimate with another person....and if he wants to do it, he should ask you first.
Then you can decide if you want to be with a guy who chats with other women.....
Or maybe you want to find a guy to chat with...and then what's the point of being together?
If you both want a little fantasy, ok. But sneaking around even on the Internet...uh uh. Nothing but trouble. IMO.
I totally agree with this. Men wonder why women are insecure? Well it doesnt help that you feel the need to show us that we just aren't good enough for you by giving your attention to other women rather than the one you are with.
they say they just like to chat with people. chat with your girlfriend.
Chatting is not an innocent thing?
Communication is a fundamentally important part of life, anybody who says otherwise must be a socially incompetent.
If I was in a relationship with a female who believed that chatting with other people, whichever sex, was a bad thing... then I would leave that relationship immediately.
Nowhere in the standard marriage vows does it state that talking to somebody of the opposite sex is forbidden. In fact, that sounds very much like extreme Islam.
Don't most taken men pay other women compliments online and like to chat to women?
For most of the part it is just normal behaviour,I would not worry too much.
I don't agree with that all..
by the way, you look lovely today!
Hah! I scratched my head twice before I caught the irony. I'm in slow gear this AM,
its ok.. it almost Friday.
Thank you for the lovely Hub Comment BTW
almost friday? its Wednesday here..lucky...
Hmm, accidentally opened his Facebook chat.
Sorry that just doesnt happen.
To me you are very insecure and that is very damaging to a relationship.
its all about trust. Who the heck cares if he was doing a little facebook chatting.
Theres also nothing wrong with giving a compliment.
I chat, I talk to tons of people and my wife has access to each and every account I have anywhere.
Just because we are online doesnt mean we are hiding things.
I think you need to move forward.
see that's the thing....I DONT have access to all his accounts.( that he knows about anyway)...He's a very private person...even about stupid things. We we first lived togethor ......years ago, he didn't even want me opening his junk mail. He has since gotten over that one.....but is still weird about sharing some things.
I would take this with a grain of salt atm. You say you are insecure, so that probably has fed into it. Not saying if you found other things in the future you should ignore them, but sometimes things are innocent and just that.
I hope that this really is nothing for you to be concerned about.
Good Luck !
one, your overly jealous and he is trying to live his life without confrontation.
two, he doesnt want you to know.
there isnt anything wrong with normal conversation chatting, BUT he shouldn't feel the need to lie. Its up to you to figure out if hes lying becuase hes afraid of making you uspet, or if its something worse.
the simple fact that you two cant be honest with each other is much more of a concern then his chatting.
I say, talk to him. Make sure he knows your not going to "flip out" and if he wants you to stop being insecure, he needs to be honest and upfront.
You really have an issue about trust, also forgiveness. In a relationship, there are often times when you have to let something go that makes you angry, hurt, or jealous.
That's a two-way street, too. How would you like it if the guy violated YOUR privacy and made YOU account for every little interaction on the net?
One good way to combat jealousy is to do things that make you feel good about yourself, that are not, in any way, connected with your relationship to HIM. Get a feeling of accomplishment from all your strengths, from your aptitudes, from your artistry and your abilities, then you find the jealousy and hurt fade away. You feel, instead, that he's lucky to have you around, whether he knows it fully, or not.
Again.....very true....I am so appreciating all the support on this forum.
I am very dependant on him.....probably too much.....I've dealt with my co-dependant issues and thought I was over it ....but yet again....
It's true that I do have some other emotional issues going on right now and it doesn't help that the icing on the cake is peri-menopausal symptoms that are taking my emotions for a leap off the deep end right now.
You're lying just as much as he is, by omitting to tell him you were snooping around.
Just be honest with him and tell him what you saw. It'll open the way for you two to have an open, mature discussion about this. There really isn't any point in both of you pretending. He - that he didn't chat with the girl. You - that you didn't see anything.
I suspect he lied to you because he realizes that you have issues with insecurity. But on the other hand, if he's closing down windows when you come in the room, he's just perpetuating the problem.
You two just really need to talk about this. All the stuff you're telling us here ... tell him too!
Oh my.. I have plenty of experience with this.. and No you don't accidently look at his chat log, just like I didn't accidently look at his profile to see what he has been up to. My BF does the same thing..he friends beautiful ladies and occassionlly chats with them. But like a friend told me long ago.. it is virtual and not real. he is not telling them anything terribly wrong. Sometimes men (not all) get caught up in getting attention from a beautiful woman. They just can't help themselves. At the end of the day my BF is still with me.
Besides.. it is really tiring to worry about this kind of thing.. beleive me I know..
There is no need to worry right now, he probably felt that you were spying on him, and if you were that is your guilt not his. If you are upset with him you need to ask yourself why am I upset, then tell him why, with-out scolding him for chatting. Do you chat on facebook, and do you tell him everything that is said when you chat? It seems that is was just a chat, an innocent chat like you said, she was doing the fishing not him, and he is happy in his relationship with you, next time log out for him, don't spy.
I will say this, if he wants to be on facebook more then spend time with you, then you know you have a problem in your relationship. I would not worry about it right now, so be nice!!!!
I have come across such 'emotional cheating' issue before many times when talking with my friends.
It could be innocent, but I would tell him that no 'chatting pal' is worth causing stress on your relationship. He can find others to talk to.
If that doesn't change things, throw the computer on his head.
Why did you look? Your curiosity has turned up a small but nevertheless worrying chink in your relationship. I'd have looked too! Its probably nothing, don't turn it into something. You know what blokes are like, if they think you want them to stop doing something, it suddenly makes 'it' important to them. Its a bit like asking a naughty school boy not to laugh. How are you today Greek one? Inciting domestic violence, bad Greeky!
I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend is addicted to facebook. He is constantly checking it, and making inappropriate comments. He has 3 daughter, yet he still feels it is ok to act this way. I even made the comment one day, that his daughter will look for guys that remind them of him. It's the daddy complex that most girls fall into, especially if they look up to their dad. This didn't even phase him.
I have caught him lying to me a couple of times already about things like this. Not just facebook either. Text messages. Now he deletes his messages on the off chance that I might see one I didnt like. He claims he does this just so that I don't misinterpet anything.
I am a very good judge of character, and I can tell when someone is lying, or hiding something. I know that he is. Yet, I love him anyway. I deal with it. I know that he would never actually cheat. But what I don't know is how he can be so "happy" with me, yet still need this attention from other women.
Honesty is such a lonely word. The truth will set us free.
Somebody will lie if they are scared to hurt your feelings or you don't give them a room to explain! If he always lie, then its another story, it is not unusual for men and women sometimes to talk in social networking sites.
Sorry to initiate any doubt in him. But I just broke up with a girl because I got into her facebook and found her telling her "first love" from junior high that she never "got over" who is married with two kids that shes in love with him and he replied the same......facebook is evil. Regardless of any other "signs" of bad communication between the two of you there is a fine line between harmless chatting and getting to the point that I discovered.
Now don't get me wrong I am smart enough to understand that this situation existed before me and her met and got together. But regardless Facebook I feel is a gateway to "misbehave".
I am not sure it we can say Facebook is evil, but it's a tool that enables people to live out their fantasies. Everyone might think about their High School sweetheart and wonder "What if" but, Programs like Facebook can set the thoughts in motion and since we are not really a monogamous species by nature the results can wreak havoc.
Found out last week my partner of 14 years is having a cyber affair (and it is an affair and much more devastating than a physical one because it is played out with just emotions currently but you know it can lead to more).
I was ready to call it quits, but at HIS insistence we have addressed the why’s and how’s of why it happened and are working on getting back the things that are missing in our relationship. He swears he loves me, and this is was just a fantasy tryst and compares it to watching a porn flick with a bit of romance tossed in.
I truly love this person and want to stay with him. Nevertheless, since lost trust is the hardest to rebuild every time I login I am in agony. I use it to keep closer contact to my children family since I live overseas but I really am starting to hate it and my obsession to see if he really has broken it off.
And why is we women are always talking about the great sisterhood but will rarely back off and always use the tired old “he must be missing something with you phrase” when we find out the person is already involved instead of saying “finish the current chapter of your life, before starting a new one and backing off?
i really feel for you, i think we have to look for thinks sometimes when we know there is something not quite right. . I dont blame you. I think its not on him chatting to women on f b . . I think deleting messages or texts also is sign of naughty goings on. . . When they get angry too. And no wonder you are insecure , i wud be too. He is making you that way.
Hey!!! You people are MISSING the point...If it was totally innocent he WOULD NOT lie about it...And that there is the problem...There is nothing wrong with chatting and complimenting someone BUT when u r lying about it then that means there is more....GIRL GO WITH YOUR GUT>>>DONT MAKE THE MISTAKE THAT I DID AND LISTEN TO THE LIES AND MAKE EXCUSES..Just let him know the door is open if he is not happy and feels the need to get attention elsewhere...That's what I did and his sorry ass is still begging to come back..
You can always turn into another Frida Kahlo and seduce the girls he's cheating with. That way, their attention will turn to you instead of him, and he will want you even more!
This is an idiot she should run from...!!! He's playing her like a fiddle, talking about "privacy".... I would make hime want me and then dump him flat!!!
I was just joking, but I don't think it's such a big deal. My husband has plenty of girls, ex-girlfriends in facebook. He talks to them all the time. I also have my ex-boyfriends in my contacts and we communicate and talk on the phone on a regular basis. When you are with someone, you either trust him or not.
Oh who are you kidding???? Extreme Islam???? Chatting can either be very innocent or very guilty....Dont be so concrete.....It all depends on what are the intentions of the two individuals...
Extreme islam?!!! LOL
Ouch! You obviously don't know me. But it's very nice to meet you anyways. I still think you have to trust the man you are with, or leave him. But if leaving him because you suspect he's chatting with other girls online? that only shows how immature the woman is, and how insecure.
That's my take anyways!
She said herself that the conversation was innocent.
I talk to friends on Facebook, who happen to be girls. Sometimes my fiance is in the same room, sometimes I don't tell her.
I have never once cheated on her, in almost 4 years. Yes sometimes it is apparent that another girl is flirting or interested, but it takes two people with the same motive for anything to happen.
If there is no trust in a relationship then the relationship is going nowhere. I would never tolerate being told that I cannot communicate with females. Why the hell not?
You may well like to think the worst of people, personally I believe that you should trust somebody until they show themselves as somebody that cannot be trusted.
If you show yourself to distrust somebody for no reason, that is the best way to push them away. Her husband should be able to talk to whoever he wants.
Are you saying that you would not communicate with other men if you had a partner? Because your partner would disaprove? Because if you are, then you may as well go and buy yourself a Burka. Extreme Islam is in fact an excellent analogy. The quickest way to destroy a relationship is to try and control your partner, everybody needs their independance.
If this facebook chat said "thanks for last night babe, when can we meet again" then there would be grounds for serious concern, of course. I have a hubpage 'Quotes About Trust'... here are a couple for you to consider:
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
"The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust"
"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them."
Hey, where there is smoke there is eventually fire......Dont take his side cause he got caught, it was her womens intution that told her to check and sure enough she found out!!!
Usually, a person who is so suspicious of their partner is this way because of their own transgressions!
Whilst I too find HonestlyHonest74 to have the insight and depth of knowledge of a fly, I disagree with that statement. Often people are suspicious of their partner as a result of past experiences, eg. being betrayed by their previous partner or experiencing an unhappy childhood (such as a broken home).
Hey, I came from a broken home and I've been betrayed before. That's no excuse. You either trust your partner or you don't. It's that simple. There is no in between.
Is your partner allowed to communicate with members of the opposite sex?
Of course he is! Actually, he left his messenger on one day and left the house. I had to look something up and this girl started chatting with me. It was his ex-girlfriend. She was supernice and thought I was him. After pulling her leg for a while I told her I was his wife. When he got home I told him and asked him why he had dumped her?! She seemed like a very cool, down to earth girl. I wouldn't have dumped her for me!
Well then you trust your partner
My only point is that this HonestlyHonest person (Anybody who makes a habit of emphasising their honesty for no apparent reason is somebody to be deeply suspicious of!) is suggesting that this male has done something wrong. Clearly you agree that he has not.
I suspect that this man only denied that a conversation took place because he was afraid of his wifes reaction. Clearly you have a great deal of trust for your partner, and as a result he would probably have no need to feel like he has to hide stuff from you.
That is the only point that I am trying to make. Although, surely can appreciate that some people who have been cheated on and badly hurt in the past are often more likely to have insecurities as a result? I was hurt by my first love, the result was not allowing any girl to get close to me for 2 years....
Which is why I used the word "usually"! I have noted this very thing in some who cheated on their spouses! Because they aren't trustworthy, they figure their spouse is the same! Certainly there are other reasons, though!
yea i understand how that feels it seem soooooo perfect till you find out information that make you wonder if your whole relatioship is a lie or whether it just started you wonder thats why i investigate ehhehehe
Unless your other half has actually attempted to do something with this person, don't accuse them of anything. Besides, men for the most part tend to work on a "need to know basis". If the relationship is good and you are happy, don't go seeking controversy and drama.
First WHY did you go onto to your Husbands Facebook Page? It makes me wonder if you go through his cell phone etc... Anyway once you discovered the chat, you should have answered for him, letting this HS woman know who you were and that talking to your husband in this manner is inappropriate. Then I would have not said a word about it.
I just read alot of the responses you recieved and my goodness you took a beating from some of them.
Look you did what you did so forget it. What is more important is how you are going to deal with your husband. Do you trust him? Has he given you reason in the past to question his fidelity? Are you happy with your marriage? Has divorce crossed your mind? Right now this is about you and how you feel. Life is too short to be miserable. You can stay with him for numerous reasons but start living your life.
I know you made your post almost a year ago and I do hope that things have settled since then.
I will say however, that from reading your post, you remined me of myself and some of the insecurities that I have experienced in my relationship.
I have found that when I'm insecure I dream up all kinds of things and create stress, tension and unnecessary problems wherere there are none. I have since learnt that even if in a committed relationship, most people flirt with a 3rd party. This is not becasue they are looking for someone new, or even interested in starting a relationship. Most times it is simply to feed their own ego and selfesteem and they are quite happy just flirting innocently while also being with the one they love. Lets just say it can take some of the monotony out of a relationship.
Really it seems you need to take a look at why he would respond the way he does to you. If you act a certain way towards him with body language, voice, tone of voice, and hostility, you make him feel threatened to be his own person. He may feel you don't trust him, or respect him, and if you make accusations enough or assume things that aren't true, you are basically pushing him away from you.
Maybe he is actually telling the truth and you just won't believe it. You probably will never know for sure.
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