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MY BEING A SINGLE WOMEN WITH A DAUGHTER IS IT A SHAME???

  1. profile image0
    dock24posted 7 years ago

    ï�¶    I know this is a very long but please be patient as itâ��s very important and Iâ��m sure many people go through similar experiences, Should unmarried person be ashamed of marrying widow or divorced women? Society accepts and does not accept, or it depends on the name fame, financial and social stature of the widow or divorced person? When unmarried girls are willing to marry widower or separated men then why so much of degradation and shame to marry a widow women. Doesn't my story smell like male chauvinism? But here in my story the main root for making my life hell was a person who is a woman; wife and mother too, later appears the male. This lady herself is disgraceful, untrustworthy and misleads corrupt women and she had dirtied the impression of parents because of her I had gone through traumatic experience so girls stay alert of these kinds of people.
    ï�¶    YES because I am going through that phase as I am a widow and have a daughter we live together and I came across a the unmarried guy he was intensely in love with me, telling him all about myself, and the hurdle which we may have to face in future concerning our marriage, there will be a lot more mouths tittle-tattle. And moreover I am not in stage to take any kind of ache or trauma in future so never tried to get into affairs it use to scare me.
    ï�¶    His words were, love has no restrictions I donâ��t care about the society its just you and me have to live 2gether and there is no part of society in our personal life, only important is I am happy with you and I feel affection for you and wants to spend rest of my life with you isnâ��t it impressive ?
    ï�¶    I am a working lady earns good have my own house and many other comfortable things and happy being with my daughter what else I needed , when 1st time guy took me to his place to introduce his parents to me for consent concerning our marriage I did not see what all they have it was just a family who gave me so much of love, care, value and the most important they accepted me with my daughter, who will not want a family like them and made me part of their family it was beyond my thoughts it was like a wonderful dream for me.When the life is good all are rosy n rosy isnâ��t it ?
    ï�¶    But here I am unfolding my own story what all I have faced and still facing>>>> Iâ��m a passionate person about life, but this guy and his family have gotten me to the point of being suicidal but the only thing that cease me is my daughter .
        I met this guy 3years back he use to visit my work place every day we were just friends, once he met with an accident late night and his car was badly damaged he called me very next day and told me about it and asked me to lend him some money as his car is smashed badly and he got in mess he said he will return me after he gets the wages I went with my driver and gave him big amount being a friend I tried to help him. He did make an effort to approach me many a times to develop relation but considering my past, I never use to take a move and use to remain reserve when he failed to get me he involved his parents along. How modern I may be but introducing parents with these words that I want to marry her and parents agreed blessed us and telling me not 2leave their son on the way or hurt him and inviting friends and relatives and introducing me as there daughter-in-law and their son future wife it was a great thing for me and accepted me with my daughter, I started trusting them after coming back from their place I did question the guy how come your parents did not question me for anything like my upbringing, personal history and about my family it was odd to me in one meeting they accepted and proposed me for marriage he replied that in past he had relation with 2females who cheated him and he was totally shattered and after long time they saw their son happy so parents were also happy .Everything was moving very smooth it was everyday routine to be in touch on phone or visiting each other place and every second day his parents use to spend whole day with me at my place His parents asked me to give time for marriage as he is looking for good job and be stable I agreed to it, on my first birthday with him he gave me a ring as engagement ring in presence of my daughter and my friends and he made me speak to his parents on phone and told them about the engagement ring they congratulated and blessed me and they did not come because they wanted me to spend time with the guy I never involved my parents just because I knew they would be against the religion moreover I am mature enough to take my decision .Guy parents were so happy and was so fond of me that they never wanted me to leave them even for a min his mother was so happy that she could not believe that his son who use to get drunk every night and was not in talking terms with his father and he had a bad company of friends had suddenly changed from bad to good because of me and he starting talking to his father as well she was more happy and stress-free watching her son being with me and when ever the guy and me have any sort of arguments and if she comes to know that I am not talking to the guy she use to come over to my place and cry so much till I forgive the guy can you believe I felt I am the luckiest one that I got such a wonderful mom n dad she and I use to go shopping together and they use to only blame son for any sort of arguments I was a perfect girl for there son thatâ��s what she use to say always sometimes I use to pinch my self to make sure hope I am not dreaming it was like mother and daughter relation even the guy was very loving and caring Once the guy told me since I have come into his life his parents behavior have changed toward him because they use to only act nice to him when he use to get wages from the office. As he was my other half I started doing more for his parents so that they donâ��t disrespect him. He was really a sincere and simple person.
    ï�¶    I was earning more then him but never tried not even thought of making him feel about it. The only tendency in guy was he was bit gossiper he was sharing intimate details about our relationship to his mom .which I never liked.
    ï�¶    Time was running eventually I started asking him about marriage. His words were same as always, that he wants to settle down first and make good money so that I stop working and be comfy rest of my life It started disturbing my health I started finding changes in his parents attitude and in the guy still I use to cope up thinking it may be frustration of his job he started demanding me to do things for him in a rude manner he became very abusive making me feel like a slave He knew how to make me feel small in moments of arguments and started using foul language later he use to cry so much and wouldnâ��t go away leaving me alone until the differences were settled, he use to undertake pain to make me believe that he was at fault and a lot of convincing that he will never replicate but I observed his behaviour in front of parents and alone with me was not the same his mother turned into a hypocritical bully she use to be so good to me but at the back my back always use to tell him donâ��t let women rule your life as you are a male be manly when first time he picked up his hand on me with no reason he said words donâ��t mean anything only action speaks louder even he refused me to socialize with  friends, which I did stop. He forgot that I have a life too? But I truly never understood what did I do to make him so mad? He started getting irritated for very small issue but his parents use to always make me calm saying he is too disturbed with his present job as in 1year he changed 3jobs and still not satisfied even his behavior is same with them too but when the days are bad, we try to reveal our true image of ourselves. When the moods are bad, when the anger breaks... words are horrifying. Once he said some words why I am with u, for what? And am I making a mistake by staying with you but u know these words, converse once is sufficient for a life time punishment.
    ï�¶    He started becoming aggressive and was harming me psychological, verbally and use to abuse me a lot when my daughter was around he was emotionally hurting me to the core, I fell sick and was hospitalized just because of him and his parents, my daughter use to ask him but he started shouting on her also she use to say if you donâ��t want us you may leave but his emotional tricks was his weapon I was unable to take their changes it was a big shock for me I was in pain mentally and physically it was like I have been paralyzed and as if I was on death bed. They changed drastically. He denied to get married and his parents called me at there residence told me on my face very openly that he is unprepared for marriage and told me to leave the house and said tell your parents to look for a guy, his father and the guy was absolutely quite it appeared like she rules there life â��I just had no words I was stunned and crushed I tried to embrace her but she stood far behind as if I had some kind of disease his mom said to me u have a mark on you (widow)now see the guy even got a mark as ( rapist) It is important to know that what goes around comes around isnâ��t it? I got a case registered against him for fake assurance of marriage now it has been 2month that he is in jail and in a month, they applied for bail twice in Delhi District Court Patiala House, which was dismissed. Now applied in Delhi high court for the next month.
    ï�¶    We did go for counseling for almost a month before the case got registered he and his parents were also called for counseling they denied for the whole thing his mom came to the NGO with pack of lies in police station the guy words were that he is ready to tie the knot but that was just a role of their game so that I take my complaint back if he really wanted to marry me, he would have never spoken negative for me last day when the case got registered I had a word wid him but he had false impression that even today he was called for counseling. Entire month his family was so busy in meeting there friends and relatives and discussing and obtaining opinion and getting influenced by listening to them they could have done a better lawyer.
    ï�¶    In my complaint parentâ��s names were mentioned but no act was taken against them? As the guy wanted consent and blessings regarding for our relation from his parents and his mom was the one who use to beg me and weep a lot she involved me so much and made me believe that they are my mother and father I suppose any1 would assume parents can ever think of harming there child isnâ��t it? She was the one who chucked me out of her house with these words find some1 else and get married. I could not believe after years her statement would ever be changed and started her tact on her  own son to be by her side and I was thrown out from her house and before this incident I mean 2days before I took her for shopping as she wanted lots of things for herself and bills as usual was paid by me every time and the very second day she showed me a hell I cried and made an effort to ask what was all that even she did not let her son and her man come in front me to speak and just dragged me out.
    ï�¶    My question >> is there no law for these type of parents who mess around with there dirty games n hurt girl feeling. They are just like pimp, who tells there son to get a lady who is loaded with money ,financially entire family who is hunger for money is taking benefits and physically guy fulfilling his needs they make it a point to get all in one package what punishment is to be given to such parents? He had a good time with me with no intention of getting married and his parents took good advantage of my money After using me for 3 years they suddenly started looking for a next female to get married, to their son after 3 years they changed their mind, men who are so frustrated for sex and family who has so much of money desire and have no fear in giving fake assurance keep a girl in dark and make her believe for future husband and future in-laws and later on speak bad about her character in courtyard to rescue themselvesâ�� What should be done to them? Till the time I was fulfilling their demands I was too good for them, his mom has so much of my jwellery as she wanted to show off in a function and her good reason was the bank is closed so she cant use her locker when I stopped the money part and was of no use to them they threw me out,i was doing thinking Iâ��m a part of that family and there problems means my problem. Guy mom very first day said donâ��t leave my son donâ��t dump him like others, But I think she forgot to mention that if he wants to end please go away.
    ï�¶    The time guy met with accident that night in the beginning of our relation I got 2know that night there were girls who got a case registered against him and his friend when I asked him he said those girls were sluts they were asking for money and we did not so they took us to police station it just appears like every girl in the community was a slut for him. What was the story do not know. Even I am a slut for them now.
    ï�¶    Once I guess 6to7 years back 2 girls they were looking for a job and was staying as PG at my house and just because of them I was in big time mess once they were caught by police and I came to know they were into prostitution as they were staying with me police thought I was involved with them I got really scared but they took amount from me and I was sent home but next day I came to know they have registered the case against us it was again a big shock of my life any how since then the case is still on and I have to appear all alone on dates just because those girls gave my address and ran away I never knew much about the laws by that time not even an ABC of it .Guy knew about it and nothing was hidden I never wanted to start my life with lies and the case is still on from last 7years. I am in lot of stress its not relaxing even if you are a victim the pressure is same and more insulting when you have to hear about the character and abusive words in courtyard from accused side she is more insulted and digging deep into her past which she left far behind has to face again I think this is a biggest insult and spoiling and exploiting the girl who will marry ,it is simple exploitation but in legal way .I am going through hell lot more since case got registered now accused family and friends contacting my friends and telling them about my character they now have trying to tell everyone about my past that I am a prostitute I have a grown up girl its effecting more in tons who will marry my daughter.
    ï�¶    I have so many questions in my mind >> I cant give my justification about it every time to prove myself that I wasnâ��t into prostitution so I was just thinking in case Even if I was into something why get issues from her past Donâ��t you think It is simple way to discourage the girl, guys who are alert of her past can just exploit and can mess up her life and can easily give her assurance for marriage with no intention and hesitation he has a possibility to blame the girl for her character donâ��t you think this should be stopped? I think the time period she had lived with the guy as in 2years or 3years whatsoever only that period of a time should get investigated not that hollow out her past that is making easy aim for guys to exploit girls physically, emotionally, and financially. When the same guy attempt to rescue himself and speaks rot about her character I think itâ��s not justice to a girl. Guy back off his words so why girl has to suffer so much every time everywhere? Why she has to go through mental trauma in every way?
    ï�¶    They denied for the reason of my religion, my age, as he was younger to me, my past as I have been married before and have a daughter, and said they will not be able to face humanity that means friends and relatives. I am not a saint or god that I forgive and forget just because I loved them I was not in relationship for sacrifice there are people who are so gr8 personalities who can have a beat and sit in a room an cry an watch the same guy go on with sum other girl.
        ï��    I have never seen these kind of older people can ever harm or can ever be part of there son tricks and can have so much of money desire in them they had a big hand in exploiting and ruining ma life. He was a gossiper he was sharing our relationship with her I was stun and mom obtained a tendency to create error she was watching her son is more emotionally involved to me and he use to listen to me rather then her and use to spend lots of his time with me and started staying back also she started placing issues into his mind saying donâ��t let her rule your life she use to ask him is she your husband she use to motivate and reminds him that he is a man.
    ï��    I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THEM>>> where was this thinking before? He and his family why dint they get away. Why were they so happy? When I was supporting them financially, Why they use to come at my place in odd times and cry and beg for there son whenever I tried to finish off the relation as the person started harming me. Why his mothers use to feel uneasy when she comes to know I am not talking to their son? And they entitle me whores so they must be aware of how whore survives to provide food to her family, where were these thoughts earlier? Or it got changed when I zipped my pocket for those people. Did I get converted to new religion now? Did I deliver child now? As they saying that I never told them about my daughter or they came to know my age now, if I am a whore thatâ��s what they call me now, is it acceptable to rape a female if she is a prostitute? Is it on paper in law that the person can just rape a prostitute? Is it a legal concept to rape a prostitute?
    ï��    I know this is one side story which I have described here but trust me each word of mine is very real and very true not a single word is made I wish you people would have been with me in the courtyard because it was so clear and was very simple to know the truth as they had nothing to say there lawyer was putting his energy on these words >> My age ,and my daughter and saying I have never told them about my past and was saying the girl was blackmailing the guy asking the guy to get married or else give me big amount and when they denied so I got the case registered, these were the words which they giving as a statement every time.
    ï��    Why society and religion I want to raise my voice for that family for last 3years were they not aware of my religion and was there no people around whom they call a society they were pretty well aware of the tricks which button to press to get what they want isnâ��t it and I want to know what do they have to give me in reality nothing the family who was depend on me for everything what can they give, u might be thinking may be the guy is rich and I want money no dear they were fukras. I was supporting them financial and major part is seeing the evidence which I have with me and which confirm every thing from my age, my past, my daughter, regarding marriage proposal from them each bit of them I have in detail but hats off to that family who is aware of the evidence what all I have but still had a guts to lie every second and not a single percent guilty about it shameless people. And sending warning message getting in touch with my friends and saying take the case back they scaring us help me by giving suggestions what can I do to make his parents get punished donâ��t you think they should be punished they should get a lesson and I think it should not be bail able offense.
    ï��    They may say anything to let me down or use false sh*t words the more they say the more strong they making me I know that I have to fight so have to face lots of things coming my way I prepared my daughter for not getting scared of anything everything has take place in front of her as she stays with me, and I am not alone I have my daughter with me and will show them we are not from poor society if I am single parent that doesnâ��t mean anyone can disrespect me. Even the guy  was intensely in love with me but have hurt me to the core when he never thought about me so why am I thinking so much about him lastly got the case registered but there might be lots n lots of female who are insecure and might get away or might not take that torture and abusive language and might not take action against anyone who ever comes in contact with these kind of animal.
    ï��    My only sin was that I loved them respected them and been kind to them and accepted their arrogance, ignorance and attitude towards me. In return they gave me and my daughter sorrows and used me whenever they needed money they are desperate and desperate people are the most dangerous they are curse to family and others who take advantage in manipulating and ruining others life. They have bought me to death bed and that shameless family is still on wid there tantrums on me and no guilt.
    ï��    I am not here to gain sympathy or anything this can happen with anyone its just alertness so that no other girl face this in future I have lost trust even from parents they are really a curse and spoiling the position of parents. I need advice please will it be right decision if I send media to his parentâ��s residence and ask what that was all about and many other questions. Even guy mother was a women why did she treat me like this if we being women will treat other women in bad way and disrespect her donâ��t you think we are encouraging men more how will and why will they respect us. Well Still women are subjected to poor treatment in society and who makes the society, we all do, and perhaps we too might be talking and gossiping about the same. However, the important point is do  you place societyâ��s opinion over your own or you stand by your convictions. More a problem if the woman has child then no will see to marry her or give her a good life ahead...Even she has some dreams to live in.Dont you agree?.
    ï��    If we want to improve the position of women in the society, so first we should improve these sort of women mentality and we need to have a high opinion of other women, first make women to accept the fact that women are equal to the other women even if she is widow or divorced and then make men to accept the fact that women are equal to men.
    ï��    But at last what did I get the guy is sent behind the bar I am suffering so much and secondly I have to listen shit words from them in a court room in front of my daughter it kills me and 3rd when the bail application is applied for the guy it again kills because they not guilty at all and they wait when they get bail I donâ��t think this is justice I wanted to make them realize and make them agree the facts what all they did with me an my daughter these shameless people not at all guilty and putting pressure on me to take back the case this not a justice and these type of cases should not delay leaving on for years as trial.what am I getting just abusive words before my daughter and lot other people Is this justice? Do we fight against domestic violence to get lots of abusive language and insults? Its horrible then the guy who cheated me. IS THIS ONLY JUSTICE?

    1. Cheeky Girl profile image81
      Cheeky Girlposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Could I possibly suggest that you publish this as a hub. And if you would like to speak to someone and get some informed non-judgmental opinions or advise, via the hub, that might be better for you. If you need any help with it, click my hub ID and send me a message. I would be happy to help in any way.

      Oh, I should answer your question - no, it is not a shame to be a single mother with a daughter. It is a Great and Wonderful thing and you should Treasure it every day of your life together. It is a blessing. Your daughter is a Gift. (There are single people who don't have daughters, and their lives are less rich for it.) Take care.

    2. Zenith of Emotion profile image56
      Zenith of Emotionposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      A shame that she doesn't have someone to be there for her, to love her, to look after her child with her that isn't family, yes... but a shame for her to be a single mom? Never. Mothers of any sort are a gift - they give the gift of life. And your daughter is among them. There's no shame in bringing a human into the world, only in abandoning it to the elements, only in not giving it any hope of survival. If anything, she deserves the support, the love, and the help she needs in gaining confidence and moving forward with her life.

      I can say one more thing - if your mother is ashamed of you, then you're ashamed of you, and there's nothing that can heal that.

    3. Myster_eswife profile image57
      Myster_eswifeposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      There is no shame on being a single mother, especialy a widowed one! My mom was a single mother for most of my life because she was afraid of what others might say about her getting remarried, with having children already. But I say who cares what others think! Here it is simple, are you living your lives to impress other people or to make yourselves happy? This you have to honestly answer, the way I think about it is it don't matter what his family or yours says its your lives and you are the one living it not them, if you weren't meant to meet him and fall in love then it wouldn't of happened. Your families should be supporting you on this moving forward in life, but if they are not I would just tell them that if they aren't going to support you then they don't have to be part of it! I know easier said than done but it could get the point across! Good luck!

  2. goldenpath profile image74
    goldenpathposted 7 years ago

    Holy crap that was long!  This would have made a great hub.  You definitely have enthusiasm that is good.

  3. profile image0
    zampanoposted 7 years ago

    relax.

  4. profile image0
    poetlorraineposted 7 years ago

    most people wont reply to this in forums, i think you should transfer it to a hub also... it is more personal for you too.... sorry things aint so easy for you.

  5. Cheeky Girl profile image81
    Cheeky Girlposted 7 years ago

    I was troubled and surprised reading this hub! Yes, it is very long! You have set a record for the longest non-hub hub in the forums! Heh! I wish I could do that! You really go into a lot of details about this relationship here!

    When I read the bit where the psychological games were being played against you and the parents told you not to go ahead with the relationship, I felt that was going too far They should not have put you under such a strong line of fire with this awful comment. I was shocked by this. No normal family would ever say these things to a woman. Your daughter being mistreated is very unusual. You should not let any feelings fro the man in question come between you and your daughter. She is all you have in the world! Out of loyalty and love for your daughter, I hope that things always remain strong between you both. As for the guy, perhaps if you think he is worth keeping in contact with, then you need to be more assertive and tell him that there are some conditions to the relationship.

    You need to have some immutable boundaries and don't go beyond them, for any damn reason. You should should be more resolute about your feelings too. If he is being influenced by his mother a lot, then there is a danger that there will be three in that marriage. You, him and his mother. I am unsure how to respond to this, but I would worry.

    I need to read the long comment again as I lost the thread here! But please tread carefully here with him. His relationship to his mother and family is a factor you should be careful about. There is a point beyond which - if you stretch yourself too far, it might be a problem. You might have to stretch yourself even more. I don't wish to dent any feelings you have for the guy. Hope this somehow helps!

    I agree with poetlorraine - you should put this up as a hub, as you might not get many replies here. This is very long! I worry about what you wrote here. But I wish you all the best for the future here. Listen to your head. Listen to your daughter. She will help guide you. Take care.

  6. OntariFamilyLawCa profile image73
    OntariFamilyLawCaposted 7 years ago

    Not sure what country you are in but in the US the stigms you speak about are pretty much gone. I moved to Canada and the stigmas of being a single parent is alive and well. Hence my own hub.
    I am in my mid 40s so I remember when women began to divorce on a large scale and see them and others leave abusive places.
    In the US the rights are here to protect us and our children from such abuse or gawks. Not sure what nation you are in but if you are in a democratic state learn how you can be a beacon of hope and not feel ashamed and be happy and free.

    You should be that part of society that makes the changes for acceptance and a safer society for all.

    Thank you for sharing it took a lot of guts.

  7. KCC Big Country profile image83
    KCC Big Countryposted 7 years ago

    Sorry, most won't read that much continuous text on a page that is full of run-on sentences.  Try bullet points next time.

  8. outdoorsguy profile image61
    outdoorsguyposted 7 years ago

    short and simple answer I hope..

    No its not a shame.. Be proud of what youve accomplished.  raise your daughter to be as strong. always look ahead.  and to hell with those who think your less then they are becuase of this.

    even shorter answer... NO.  LOL

  9. Polly C profile image87
    Polly Cposted 7 years ago

    I didn't read the post as it is so long, but will answer the question anyway - in this day and age, of course it is not shameful to be a single parent with a child. The most important thing is to be a good parent to your child and give them a stable home life, whether you are with a partner or not.

    It is better care for your child as a single parent than to be in a bad relationship which may have a detrimental effect on the child, more so than not living with two parents.

    1. wychic profile image79
      wychicposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Polly, I just had to applaud your second paragraph here smile. I know many people, including my own mother, who have stayed in bad relationships "for the kids" and have seen firsthand just how much more damage is done in the child's life because of it. My ex-husband even tried to convince me that having both parents in the same house is always best, trying the "You know, you're ruining his life if you leave" line to get me to stay with him out of concern for my son. I'm only glad that I had my previous experience from the child's point of view, because that alone told me that he was completely full of it and that my son would be far better off if both of his parents were happy, not if they were both together.

  10. wychic profile image79
    wychicposted 7 years ago

    I, too, am wondering which country you're in. Here in the US it's quite commonplace for people to have children from a previous marriage. I am currently married to my second husband and have a child from a previous marriage, and he has four kids from two previous marriages. However, I know that in different cultures this can be very different. For instance, I have a very good friend in India who, when I told him I'd met someone (my current husband) after he'd known me through my divorce, he seemed quite surprised that another man would have me. It seems that there, at least in his family, being previously married at all is a bad thing and having children as continuing proof of it is even worse. I can't say that I understand this thinking, though I know a number of people whose step-parents (including my own stepfather) have had issues with children of previous marriages. Personally, I think even if your culture and society as a whole frowns upon it, there is absolutely no reason to be ashamed. You are your own person, you live your life the best you can and do the best you can for your child, and your life is not for anyone else to judge. If you can lay down at night and look back on the day and feel satisfied you lived it to your best abilities, there is never reason for shame.

  11. profile image54
    begallposted 7 years ago

    There is no shame in being a single mom God Blessed you with a daughter i always say a child is a blessing from God,As for this guy and his parents seems to be just another way to scam innocent people you will meet that special someone who does not care about your past but loves unconditionally ,But from start of any relationship never let em know you have money and never loan money trust me on this i dated a guy bought him new tires for his car loaned money any time he asked if i had it 3 months later he married someone else people can be so cruel hold your head high and be proud ,,THANK GOD you got out when you did it could have been worse will keep you in my prayers....

    Good Luck

  12. optimus grimlock profile image55
    optimus grimlockposted 7 years ago

    its not a shame and dont loet anyone tell you it is
    111 just stay strong stick to your guns and everything will be alright!!

  13. Lisa HW profile image82
    Lisa HWposted 7 years ago

    There's no shame in it all, and I hope you can find the positive support of, maybe, some women friends who aren't as "clueless" as the people you've been dealing with.  Stay strong, and try not to pay attention to anyone who makes you feel like there's some "shame".  I'm guessing you don't live in the United States or Canada, so maybe you're dealing with a "difficult" culture.  If you haven't done this already, why not write some Hubs about your own experience or the challenges you face (wherever you do live).  Or - just write about other things that interest you.  Maybe it would be something you enjoyed.

 
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