Former Best Friend Busy or Ignoring?

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   WryLiltposted 13 years ago

   One of my best friends from Highschool (we graduated 2004) moved to a big city about two hours away after school. We'd speak on the phone every few months, email etc. She was my maid of honour at my 2007 wedding.
   
   In 2009 I fell pregnant and then three months later, she did too. I was excited to know this was another thing we'd share. We talked on the phone during our pregnancy etc. Then I learnt she was moving back to my town just a few months before she was due. I thought great, we can hang out again!
   
   I visited her two weeks before she gave birth and then saw her little boy when he was a couple of weeks old. Since then I've called every week or two, only to get voicemail. I've left messages on facebook. I've sent an email or two. I asked her by text message in May if she was ignoring me and she sent one back saying no. That was four months ago and that's the only contact I've had with her.
   
   She's getting married in less than two months and as far as I can tell, I haven't received even an invite. And I can't even get her to talk to me to tell me if I did something wrong.
   
   I thought having a baby would keep her busy but I've got one too. And her baby is nearly 7 months old now.
   
   Any advice?

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      IzzyMposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I've read this thread through, before you ask.
      Go see her, face to face. If you met her little boy, you must have an idea where she lives.
      People do change,especially people as young as you and your friend. But change does not necessarily mean that she doesn't want to see you. Stop taking things personally.
      Speak to her. Ask her. You may find it is something horrible like a controlling boyfriend, or she maybe really short of cash which means phoning you is an extra expense. Or maybe she has developed a phobia. Who knows?
      Ask her.

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      IntimatEvolutionposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with Cags. 
      
      I'd also give it a rest.  Apparently you all are not as close as you would like.  That is another option.  Hard, I know.

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   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Maybe she is in over her head with boyfriend/husband type and child, to be too busy. It's likely.
   
   I wouldn't worry that it is something that you did. The responsibility of looking after a newborn and the demands, from what I've seen and heard about..are much.

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      WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I'm working part time, doing university and have a ten month old baby too though. Up till now she hasn't even been working.

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Maybe the burden is more weighted on her and not having help dealing, such as boyfriend/husband not assisting.
         
         Then again, I am assuming that your husband helps you.

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         1. 89

            WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Nope. He doesn't! Or very rarely when he gets a good kick up the arse. I have my baby pretty much all day and all night (she still doesn't sleep nights) and she even sits in the bathroom while I have a shower. LoL

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               Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Interesting....

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         LaMamaLoliposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         It could be that she simply is not great at keeping in touch, or maybe she is finding it hard to cope. If she is finding it hard with a new baby, she may not want to speak to you right now because you sound like superwoman- no offense intended. I know when I had my baby I stayed away from certain friends because I thought they were supermoms and happy, and I felt that they would expect me to feel the same way and I just didn't. It was only later I realised that they too had tough times, but I built this picture in my head that I was convinced was the truth. I think you should just text her and say Hi, would love to hear from you, give me a shout when you have a minute, and leave it at that. See what happens... It's really hard when these things happen with good friends...

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   ryankettposted 13 years ago

   Doesn't sound like much of a best friend. Friendship is a two way thing, at the moment it appears to be one-way traffic. I say forget about her until she decides to contact you, and then tell her how she made you feel. If she doesn't contact you, then she isn't worth knowing. Sorry for saying it how it is. Maybe she is going through some sort of personal crisis, or perhaps her relationship is not as blissful as may appear, but that is NOT your problem unless she chooses to share that problem with you. You can be there for her when she chooses to find you.

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4. 0

   ryankettposted 13 years ago

   A baby sleeps long enough for the mother to send the occassional 30 second text message. I find it hard to keep up with people, but I always remember the occassional text or birthday card - that is all it takes to maintain a friendship.

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   1. 89

      WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the advice (everyone).
      
      I think I will send her another text message and if no answer... Well I might just leave it for awhile.
      
      

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5. 71

   seanorjohnposted 13 years ago

   Do you know anything about her boyfriend? Sometimes boyfriends delberately destroy old friendships.Male friendships tend to endure. Women's friendships don't.Very often it is a case of" you have a new life with me." I agree it is very sad.Doubt very much that you have done or said anything wrong. Almost certain that it is her boyfriend controlling her.

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   1. 89

      WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      She still talks to and sees her mum regularly I believe.
      
      And she has been with the boyfriend for about four years, during which time I saw her a couple of times and we communicated fairly regularly.

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      Polly Cposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I don't agree. Of course it could be true, but a controlling boyfriend seems like the least likely scenario to me.
      
      As a parent of a young child myself, I jump at the chance to meet up with other mothers for a coffee or whatever. It can be the difference between a fun day or a lonely, long day, especially if you are a new mother. I think the situation sounds a bit weird, especially if you were in contact with your friend before her baby was born. Actually, it is usually friends that don't have children which you can sometimes lose touch with, due to changes in circumstances.  Babies often bond women.
      
      I think you should do as you said - text/phone/email one more time, then just leave it. It's her loss if she doesn't respond - I mean, anyone can find a moment to reply to a text, baby or no baby.
      
      EDIT: unless she has postnatal depression or something, do you think that could be the case?

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      1. 89

         WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I have no idea. All I can go by is her facebook updates. But maybe...

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         seanorjohnposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         "the least likely scenario" Don't hold back will you. lol
         
         I was only trying to help. Accept I was (probably) wrong.

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            Polly Cposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry! It wasn't meant to sound harsh! I just thought that controlling boyfriends are usually like that from the beginning, and it didn't sound as though that was the case as they had been in contact before. But I could be wrong too.

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   myownworldposted 13 years ago

   We all go through different stages in life... and sometimes fall out of friendship with people we once thought we were so close to. It's how life is. It can be sad yes, but in many ways, it helps us discover newer, different friends along the way. Most of all, relationships cannot be forced, and friendships are no exception either. Gently let your friend know you're there for her and then let her go. If she needs to, she will find you again.

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7. 88

   mtkomoriposted 13 years ago

   I know how you feel because I went through something similar. Though I wasn't ignored by my long time college friend, she began to make hurtful comments when we got together. We had children around the same time and we lived in the same city before I moved to Canada in 2006. I saw her on my return visit to Japan in '08 and we sort of had a falling out, we lost touch with each other, but then, we exchanged e-mails recently.
   
   It's quite normal that the best of friends may grow apart. The same friend(s) no longer serves our changing needs as we grow older. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think this has happend with myself and my friend. Though we are in touch again, I doubt we will be compatible like we were in the past. I also feel we no longer have much in common even if we had children around the same time.
   
   It could be that you two have started to grow apart as well, and this is normal because both of you have entered motherhood, which is a big change for any woman who becomes a mother.
   When my children were little and in preschool, I bonded with other moms with children the same age who lived in my neighborhood. They became the center of my social life and during this time, I rarely saw friends from high school and college.
   
   As you say, you could try contacting her one more time, and if she doesn't respond, just let it rest. She will find you when she needs to:)

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   1. 89

      WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I sent her a message about 12 hours ago now - still no response. I guess I will leave it be...

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      1. 0

         cosetteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         
         
         i hate to be so blunt, but if she wanted to communicate with you, she would be doing exactly that. there is no excuse for not even inviting you to her wedding, although i would have expected to be asked to be in the wedding.
         
         i had a friend (well, someone who i thought was a friend) do this to me, and it feels like s**t. no word, no communication, nothing - voicemails went unanswered, emails.
         
         i pull away when someone hurts me, but i never did a single thing to hurt her. in fact, i championed her and her causes and issues and supported her during a couple of difficult circumstances, even though i was dealing with stuff of my own. plus we had made a promise to each other that if either one wanted to end the friendship, we would do the decent thing and tell the other person instead of just letting them wonder.
         
         i always tell someone (if i am close to them and care about them) if i have to stop being their friend or communicating with them. obviously she didn't give a rat's behind about me, much to my surprise and dismay.
         
         obviously, your friend is not tied to a chair in somebody's basement, as she communicates regularly on facebook.
         
         let her reach out to you for a change. ignore her completely. that is what i would do. well, i would take it a step farther and unfriend her on facebook, but then again that is just me. you're doing the right thing to leave it be.
         
         good luck.

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            sofsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I thought i will share something with you, when I just had my first baby i was so caught up with the baby and with all the adjusting that I had to do with my husband who was from Mars ( A pure  veggie) I forgot my friends. When I woke up to the real world I was left behind ( I love them  just as much as I did before,  but the drama of life..............) my friends were so cut up and were not so pally. So don't take anything at face value.
            A good friend is worth the effort!!

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               cosetteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               
               
               
               i agree a hundred percent.
               
               p.s. if that friend was not on facebook, commenting others while ignoring her, i would say the same thing - new mommy syndrome. but the fact is, she IS on facebook and IS online yet she has ignored her repeated attempts at reaching out. which means, in my mind anyway, she doesn't fit the definition of 'good friend'.

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         rebekahELLEposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I would leave it be also.. you have reached out. if and when she wants to communicate, she will.
         friendships change and go through dry spells.  I wouldn't try to figure it out, it can be agonizing and often we make something bigger than it is.
         try to keep your thoughts neutral and not judgmental. none of us really know what goes on inside another, just let it be.

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   Joy56posted 13 years ago

   the first thing i thought when i read your posting was post natal depression.  I had that several times, and if that is the case, she will not be thinking of your feelings, as the poor girl, may be having a real touch time.....  there must have been a reason why she moved back also.
   
   I would actually send a text saying, how much you were looking forward to seeing her, and you miss her, and have you offended her any way.   Then if all else fails, move on to a better friend.  Hope you let us know what the outcome is.

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   1. 89

      WryLiltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I guess it depends how long it takes to reach an outcome. Thanks

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9. 78

   Aficionadaposted 13 years ago

   I tend to agree with LaMamaLoli and myownworld - and with the possibility of postnatal depression in your friend.
   
   I'm one of the ones who pull back when I see how well others are doing in their lives, especially when it's in the same areas in which I am struggling (like what LML mentioned).  It's not done consciously - I think there's an element of self-protection in it.  She may feel torn in many directions, and she may feel - unjustly - that pursuing friendship right now would add one more thing to her life that she can't handle well.
   
   Also sometimes time flies by without my realizing just how much has passed.  I have one very good friend from decades ago who has kept in touch with me, even when I haven't responded adequately.  If the friendship had been left up to my efforts, it would have died out long ago; since my friend kept communicating, in spite of me, we have continued to be friends and I am grateful for that.
   
   I think the best thing for you to do is - as others have said - find some way to communicate with her, honestly but gently, and don't take it personally if her response is not as you would like for it to be.  There may be possibilitie for the future, but it's also possible that the friendship has run its course.

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