I just went through one of the nastiest divorces on earth. My ex was wealthy, and we had no children. I did not work outside the home while we were married. He threw me out with the clothes on my back (literally) and then hired a high priced lawyer to take everything away from me but my cat, my clothes, and my makeup. I'm not joking. I sold some of my clothes and I now have about $2,000 in the bank. I'm living with a friend who says I can stay here as long as I want for free. There are no jobs here, not even minimum wage ones.
Still, I think I'm going to come out on top of this. I've always wanted to write, and here I am, writing and learning more about writing. I want to write a book about how to survive a divorce, but it's too raw right now.
I'm not bitter. I feel sorry for him. He is a selfish, hate-filled person and I know one day Karma will give him what he deserves in aces. Anyway, the best revenge is success, right?
if you are concentrating on revenge, then you will not be watching out for yourself first. You will find that it will be both. hard first then easy .
I found that Time and a Work ethic made it better for me. The work ethic heals you, time heals the memories, makes it easier, and allows you to have achievements...success. Its not an overnight thing. Keep a clear head, because survival makes you do dumb things in a panic you regret later. make a good friend, and ask them to listen. be strong.
Do not let anyone own you under the guise of helping. Be wiser and not vulnerable
Best wishes, and good luck
I'm trying hard to concentrate on work, and on making new friends. I only have a handful who would stand by me, because of his position and power in the community. I know I will be fine. I don't want revenge. I just want to prove to myself that I am worthwhile. It's hard to feel that way when someone does what he did to me.
Luckily, I have a few awesome friends who are standing by me and helping me through it.
If you have a few good friends as it sounds like you do, you will be fine and likely better off in the end. Also, your friend who encourages looking forward and not being controlled by your past is wise. Best of luck to you in this most difficult transition.
I don't know what state you're in but many have martial property laws that would entitle you to half of everything accquired while you were married, unless you had a pre-nup. In some states you can hire a lawyer and make him pay for it.
I left my $250,00 house because I didn't want to fight him. I wanted peace after 8 yrs of hell. Yes I could have stayed but why to fight over a house and continue to go through hell. I moved away to a new state. Just starting out and ts been rough but when my life evens out everything will be ok. Karma does work. do the right things in life and you will be rewarded. Follow the wrong vengeful path and Karma will get you. Be persistent, don't give up-work on healing your soul and life will get better.
I feel for you. I wish the best in your new life. I wish I had the guts to move on. Problem is I love my wife a lot more than she loves me.
You have a great attitude. Divorce is the beginning to an end. It took me 1 year to get my life back after mine. Stay positive and active because you sound like a person who can accomplish just about anything. Good Luck to you!
My divorce hurt everyone it touched. Even my neighbors cry when they come to visit. The pain, I think, is deeper the older you are and the more kids you have.
Divorce is hell. It is the shattering of a dream, a deep wound.
It will be a while for the raw to wear off so give yourself some time to heal. Time to for you to get to know who you are again. Long enough for you to be happy, all by yourself again. You'll find your bearings and be a stronger you.
Let the bitter out in a journal. Those closest to you already know the nightmare you have been through and they can't change it. Put it on paper to keep it from settling in your bones. It will not be hard to touch should you want to write that book later.
After ten years of being used, I was glad to leave with just my name and my pride. Life became good again, and I healed. You will, too.
I don't want to concentrate on bitterness. I have a blog, but it concentrates on the positive things in my life, not the past. I have a very wise friend whose motto is "move forward, never backwards." He says looking over your shoulder is allowing the past to control you, so I'm trying to heed that.
It hurt me and helped me. Devistation is a hard thing to swallow! Sure did have some humble pie...
Yes, I've come waaaaaaaay down financially and socially, but I am not seeing it as humble pie. I'm seeing it as this is where the universe wants me to be, and I was in the wrong place for awhile. Just an "adjustment", as they say on Wall Street when the market crashes. LOL
It certainly did NOT destroy me. Far from it. It sure did make life inconvenient and challenging for me, as someone who couldn't be destroyed but continued to try to live life as a "far-from-destroyed" person. Then again, when someone or something tries to destroy you and your life; and when you realize you can't/won't be destroyed that easily, there's something very empowering and satisfying in that.
(I just noticed the "..improve you" part of the question. It didn't improve me either. I'm the same "me" I've always been .)
It was a definite overall improvement in my life, though the custody issues came as close to destroying me as anything ever could. The marriage itself wasn't a big loss to me, especially since he lost no time in showing his "true colors" that had only ever been barely below the surface in the first place. Getting a divorce allowed me to move on to a happier, healthier life and to learn what it's like to have someone who really loves me instead of just saying it in order to control me.
That said, I do have some ongoing issues with myself because of it...a lot of people had a lot of horrible things to say about me, and a lot of people who I thought cared about me had no qualms about stabbing me in the back. A person who my husband and those around him always had less-than-flattering things to say about turned out to be more desirable to him than me. I started to question everything I thought I knew about how the rest of the world perceives me; I've always thought I was being friendly and easygoing, and I've always tried to be a good friend and considerate of others. It's really hard when it gets thrown back in your face, and even harder to let go of it and regain any confidence...and the most difficult thing is to make the opinion of others not matter. Only time will tell how THAT part of the divorce resolves itself. For me, the hardest thing is that I don't know what I did wrong to all of those people, so I'm at a complete loss as to how to avoid repeating the mistake.
Wychic, I wrote this for you. You know my story. People other than Wychic may not want to bother reading this whole long post that I aimed at Wychic, only to try to share what I learned about my own similar situation.
I had that custody thing too, and I don't pretend I was "thrilled" with seeing my children harmed (emotionally and financially) by strangers who believed lies about me, or who later didn't believe them but did nothing to get the truth out in court). I am angry and I have anger, but it's still the same "me" that has that same anger I would have if someone harmed my children under other circumstances. For me, the anger I have is very much a sign that I am, in fact, still the same, undestroyed, me.
whychic, I don't know why people lied about you, but I can tell you why they lied about me; and that is that they didn't even believe they were lying. I was dealing with people who didn't know "the real me" at all, and who underestimated me as a person. Between dealing with a couple of men (who did what a lot of men do, which is think that someone thinks/acts different from they must be "inferior" to them, especially if they're dealing with a woman). I was also dealing with women who seemed to forget how old I was, disregard all the demonstrations of being capable, strong, and sensible that I'd shown so many times; and, instead, seemed to imagine that I was far younger (like a child) than I really was. These were, in some cases, people who will respect and believe any man before respecting and believing a woman. Some were people who only believe or respect someone who is intimidating or "matronly". Some may have only believed people with an "impressive, sure-sounding, louder, voice. In other words, I was dealing with people who generally couldn't imagine that someone who looked like I did could possibly be solid, mature, sensible, and maybe even smarter than they were. Then, too, I was dealing with some people who had always kind of disagreed with the way I did things, or always kind of seen me as a rival; and at the first chance they got to take pot shots at me they jumped at it. In my case, it was a matter of several people saying very small, inaccurate, things that all added up to a report full of lies. I didn't look my age at the time, and I almost think people couldn't reconcile the signs of strength and unwillingness to have other people try to put in their two cents on my business; with what I looked like to them. In other words, at close to 40, and with absolutely every right not to want people who didn't know my kids as well as I did, and who weren't my kids' mother; I was seen as, like, a rebellious teenager who wouldn't "buckle under" to the authority of people who thought they had a right to try to put in their two cents on my business. THEN, when I was indignant and angry and didn't cry (the way, I guess, "a fluffy and silly little person like me" ought to have cried), it was seen as "inappropriate".
I'm convinced that if I had looked more matronly, or even like an intimidating looking "bombshell", or like a masculine woman, or any other kind of woman than I looked; things would have been different. Heck, long before the divorce my thinking would have been respect, rather than presumed to be "flighty" or "out of the blue" or "more sure than I should have been".
I always knew what I looked like was a problem for me when it came to be taken seriously and respected in any setting outside of a work setting (where you get the chance to show the kind of person you are). I knew (and asked the lawyers to make sure this didn't happen) that if some people got to put their thoughts about me into a court report, it would "all over" for me. Instead, the GAL went to everyone and his brother, including people like neighbors (who didn't know me very well at all).
It wasn't a shock to me that people underestimated me. It was a shock to me that the court allowed their input at all. For the most part, I don't think anyone truly meant any harm (although I know some egos were offended when I didn't "buckle under", and I know that made a few people a little freer to feel "it's her or me" when it came to "who's right about this". I had people who thought I was making a mistake by leaving a marriage they knew nothing about too. Again, trying to prevent "silly me" from making "a mistake" - and stopping at nothing, apparently.
I don't know if this is at all the kind of thing that happened with your case; but maybe some of it was? With the exception of those times when people got their back up because I wouldn't just happily "buckle under", for the most part nobody meant any harm to me. The thing was they actually believe my kids would be better off with someone other than me. That p'd me off, but it didn't hurt me; because I wasn't surprised by any of it. Actually, I was kind of glad to see a few people see how bad it is for someone like me; because I don't think anyone who isn't stuck with an appearance and voice like I have would EVER imagine how bad it can be, when it comes to people thinking they have a right to be your parent (and the killer is these are often the people someone like me takes care of in some way, or people who relied on me for emotional support whenever they needed it).
One way I thought I could stop this kind of thing from happening again was to "put me" in writing on a place like HubPages, where my words show that I'm not a "fluffy little flake", a child, an idiot, or whatever else anyone assumes about me because I don't have an intimidating appearance and voice. You know what, though? None of the people who had those opinions read what I write, because they're not interested in what I have to say. It's hopeless!
More to the point, I think the way you keep it from happening again is to understand why/how it happened, talk about why/how it happened, tell people what you live with, even if that means making yourself say something someone may think is obnoxious, like, "I look too young, and people don't realize that I'm an intelligent, capable, strong, person who knows what's she talking about and doing."
I've always had inner confidence about what/who I am. (Not so much about the fact that I have a look that causes me problems when it comes to being seen as "nice but not as wise or strong" as someone else. I hate my looks because of that.) With the confidence, though, people who didn't know me well enough (and should have, in view of evidence they should have seen) people thought someone like me had "more confidence than I should have had". (That's a sign of mental illness or at least emotional problems. But, what should I have done? Pretend not to have confidence and go along with people who thought they had a right to put in their two cents on my life and my kids' life?!!!! )
Anyway, I don't know if any of this applied to you or your situation; and I don't if it will help you; but my only reason for writing this long post is to at least try to share what I do know went wrong in my own case.
Basically, if the problem is that people underestimated you as a grown-up and capable, solid, adult; the way you can get a reading on that is to ask whether they're happiest when you're the one accepting their help and advice and being willing to be "taught" by them (the way, say, some government agencies operate); or whether they're people who believe in you and do things that will empower you to be independent. In other words, are people happiest if you're "under their thumb" or happy for you when you're not? In the matter of child abuse, there are some children in a family who are said to be victimized more than others. This is the same kind of thing. Some people (I think strong people who look like they "shouldn't be that strong", but people who are also non-aggressive and even very kind and gentle by nature) may be the ones who are more likely to magnets for overbearing, if not abusive, others.
I never had a problem in school or work, but the thing for stay-at-home (or part-time-work) mothers is they don't have that full-time job to "show the world" how "respectable" they are. Then, if someone arranges that they won't have money, they don't have that "concrete proof" that they're respectable. They're left with nothing but what they look like when dealing with people who don't know their work or haven't watched them in their home with their children - "good luck to them". (Again, hope this helps shed some possible light in even some little way.)
I still have my same confidence. I just don't have my same take-it-for-granted-that-what-I-am-really-like-is-obvious" that I once did. I lost some trust in some people's judgment or even in some people, themselves; but since they didn't deserve that trust in the first place, no loss there. "Easygoing" may be a keyword there. I actually have people who think I'm "easygoing" because I'm nice and not a troublemaker. I'm not easygoing at all, but people often think that not being rude and cruel is "easygoing". Basically, divorces happen because at least one spouse doesn't think much of the other, or at least doesn't respect her (or him) the way anyone in a relationships ought to respect the other person.
As far as your husband goes, there's that saying, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend". All it takes for a shrewd person to make sure he has more "friends" is to make sure he turns that enemy's "friends" into her enemies.
Sorry, everyone else who isn't Wychic, for the length of this "monopolizing" post. It's just that I thought maybe some of what I went through was similar for her; and maybe I could offer her some things to consider in trying to figure out her own situation.
Thank you so much for this post . It is very possible that my appearance -- and my actual age -- had something to do with it. I am baby-faced, tend to stay quiet until I have something to say, and don't make my opinion known unless it's really important to me. If I'm surrounded by people I know won't listen, I don't bother speaking. Unfortunately, I was around a lot of people who thought very highly of themselves and apparently hadn't heard that "an empty wheelbarrow squeaks the loudest," and if I didn't argue an opinion then to them it meant that I didn't have one of my own. Perhaps this was an invitation for people to try to impress their opinions on me, and when I didn't conform I wasn't seen to behave as I ought to.
One of the people who turned against me during the divorce missed my childhood, and I think tried to catch up on being a parent. I made the mistake of thinking he really wanted to get to know me and to at least cultivate a friendship. It blindsided me when he turned up in court at all, much less on the other side. However, I do know that he's pretty chauvinist and got along with my ex-husband very well, and I guess I just wasn't doing what a "proper daughter" ought to do...cheating wasn't a good enough reason to leave what he saw as an "otherwise good relationship." There were other people that showed up there because they thrive on drama, or didn't like that they couldn't control me...and then there were the ones who believed my ex that I was crazy, which I guess must have been easy to believe since I behaved differently than them. I think it shocked them to discover that I have ideas of my own, and ways of doing things on my own.
As for being a "respectable woman"...yep, that applies too. It didn't matter to anyone that when I quit my outside job (Wal-Mart) my then-husband was the one who suggested I stay home. It didn't matter that since then I'd built a much better income freelancing. All that mattered to them is that the house was cluttered and since I'm female it was my job to clean it. It was also my job to watch my son full-time, and make a full-time wage. I couldn't do all three, so I picked the most important two...and that was my fault because I actually expected my husband, who worked a "real job" (a mere 40 hours a week) to help around the house. Most of the people there could only work unskilled labor, and couldn't see any way this "mindless idiot" could make a living as, of all things, a writer. Well, a writer is an artist, and we all KNOW what artists are like.
I was also shocked that the judge listened to any of them, as was my lawyer. I had my income tax statements, proof that I was really working and making nearly as much as my husband. I had been my son's sole caretaker for three years, and none of them had been concerned in the slightest then, and even sent their own kids to me for care. In the end, all that mattered was opinions that my husband had and his friends...and some of my family...mimicked, because he behaved like them and so he must be the normal one.
Again, thank you (and apologies to everyone else for the length of this post too ), that has given me a couple of new angles for looking at things. It makes sense, we know what human nature does with things that are different. I was raised in a different culture -- my grandmother was Lakota, so we were raised with a mixture of Lakota and pre-Depression Midwestern ideals -- even though I've never left the same state in which they were all born and raised. I'm don't do well with sheeple, and I'm certainly not one...I don't think they liked that.
My personality and who I am are largely unchanged, but I feel that I've improved because of the lessons I've learned about human nature, and obviously continue to learn. In addition, the divorce gave me a chance to meet someone who originally wasn't even influenced by my looks or tiny childish voice...he didn't know what I looked like...but thought I must have a master's degree and formed the opinion from the start that I'm very intelligent. Maybe it helped that his Russian Orthodox upbringing, and his ideals from the generation before me, were very similar to mine. Either way, we were able to find a much happier, much more compatible life together.
Wychic, the kind of subtle stuff that women (often most women, but more often women who don't come across with a booming voice or otherwise as intimidating, or at least as "old enough to have earned respectability and wisdom") deal with (especially those who have been fought by men who are at all interested in at least thinking about trying to take children from their mothers) is far more widespread than anyone who hasn't dealt with it would realize. Even if fathers decide they don't want to take children away from mothers, lawyers are expected to "zealously protect" the interests of their clients (not their client's children). So, built into the "divorce system" is that possibility that some lawyer (with skill in this situation) will know how to make a big case out of a bunch of small misunderstandings/lies.
You're right - if a woman doesn't say what's on her mind, or (as in my case) if she does her own thing and doesn't bother mentioning much about it because she knows nobody else is interested in her "silly, little, doings", people fill in the blanks. I actually had it put in a report, "..hasn't worked since she was married" (!!!). I had the pay stubs, bank records, and newspaper clips to prove that was a lie. I don't think a person even needs to have a "baby face". I don't have that. I just think it's an overall demeanor and look. People are less likely to think a woman who is the "Bea Arthur type" or even the "Blond Bombshell type" is "crazy". If you're more the "Sally Field type", and you dare to come across as strong and unwilling to be treated like a little girl (or a moron), you're in big trouble.
People may think the "Bea Arthur" type isn't all the nice (and those types may have their own set of problems). A lot of "Bombshell types" have to deal with people thinking they're not smart. "Sally Field types" are the kind of women who are expected to be everyone's child right up until they're the time little old ladies, at which times they may treated like a child because they're elderly!
I don't think you need to worry about something like what happened before happening again, if you're surrounded by people (now) who know the real you. It isn't as if the whole world is guilty of being incapable of sorting out what you look like from who you are. It's just, I think, people who have some investment (financial, professional, emotional, egotistical) in situations when "it's they or you", and they aren't about to let "someone like you" be right, or get the upper hand. People who have an unhealthy, inappropriate, belief that they should have control in someone else's life are only a problem to those people whose lives they're close to, or have some stake in.
Belief it or not, one problem for me was that I'm pretty skilled in finding things I have in common with other people. That made people who knew me jump to the conclusion that I was "just like them". THEN, when I did something (leave marriage because only I knew what was going on in it) they wouldn't do, they saw it as "out of character".
I always suspected it was "bad" when it came to how "certain" other people think. What went on confirmed for me that it was far worse than I'd realized. I consider it a learning experience. Since I don't plan to have more children, and the ones I have are now grown, it won't happen again in my life. One reason I even write/talk about it is because I think too few women realize that it could happen to even them. My house was neat, and people who couldn't keep their home neat and organized as effortlessly as I could said I "cared more about the house than anything else"! In the legal system, if someone wants to go after a woman, they'll go for either the "nuts" or "sluts" approach. If there's absolutely no question that there's nothing that would support the "sluts" attack, they go for the "nuts" approach.
I think, if most women had to choose one of three "types" I mentioned, they'd end up having to go with the "Sally Field" type over the other two. Most of the time, it's not a huge problem for women to live their lives having to deal with the day-to-day junk of having a lot of people underestimate them. Where it becomes a big problem is when child custody, ego, or some divorce-related person's professional reputation is on the line (particularly if they've screwed up and don't want that screw-up discovered). So, unless you plan to get into another custody battle, you probably don't have to worry about it happening again. If there's a chance a custody battle could occur in the future, at least now you know some of the things you need to be ready for if such a thing were to take place.
I'm glad you're happy now. Enjoy that and be glad you're away from the few people in your old life who created all the problems. Somewhere out there, there may be a wife/mother reading this, who is thinking about getting a divorce and who would never imagine that any sane judge would EVER give custody to anyone but her. Or, there may be women who have only recently found themselves the victims of the "nuts" approach. If there are, I hope that maybe they'll find this string of posts eye-opening or helpful in some way. 20 years ago, if there had been a way I could read something like all this, I would have been sitting there, thinking, "Awful story, but I KNOW there's no way that could ever happen to me. And, if the system weren't set up to allow a person or two to make "crazy" allegations against someone, and then, once that happens, to allow "everybody and his brother" into the case to take his pot shots at the person he's already got an issue with; maybe these things wouldn't be happening. But, they do. When a woman is up against people in her personal life who want to have a say in what she does, and then when the court system brings in everybody else and his brother (strangers with something to lose, mediocre professionals, or other people capable of harming children who mean nothing to them), it's pretty much her and her children against "the world".
I had the same problem. People now look at me and assume that I'm stupid, and I set them straight very quickly. Because I did not fight him, people thought I was weak. I knew to fight him would be to lose what little of myself I had left. He tried and tried to drag me into a fight, and I would just say "give him what he wants". My lawyer thought I was crazy, but I knew him better than anyone, and I knew that this was his final attempt to destroy me completely. He even called me and screamed at me that I needed to get a backbone and stand up for myself. I told him that I had learned long ago not to pick a fight with a crazy person, hung up and never took another call from him. He was like a mad dog locked in a cage with a cat sitting three feet away on the outside.
After the divorce was over, his lawyer's wife told me that her husband said I hurt him more by not fighting than I ever would have by fighting him, and that he was actually proud of me for not stooping to his level.
My attorney was angry because he was looking for a big payday, and all he got from me was "It's just money. Let him have it."
I know what I did that caused the divorce, but it wasn't something wrong. I refused to let him abuse me verbally in public any longer. When I stood up to him in front of a bunch of his rich cronies and they laughed at him, he wasted no time tossing me to the curb. Those same people now refuse to speak to me.
I know one thing, if I ever marry again, it will not be to a wealthy man.
Hi. I don't mean to criticize, but I think you need to rethink your position and say: "If I ever marry again, it will not be to an abusive man."
Money doesn't guarantee happiness nor dysfunction.
Money is power, power corrupts. I was in the world of the wealthy long enough to see that 99.9% of wealthy men are controlling and if not abusive, then disdainful of their wives. I will never marry a wealthy man again...period.
I personally think that the one thing that is really positive about divorce is that it gives the parties the opportunity to change their negative habits... and in that way win (in themselves)
The most negative thing is that the parties who don't take a positive approach to it, end up justifying and clinging to their negative habits.. and generally loose.
The most positive thing that a positive party can do to a negative party that chooses to defend and attempt to force their negativity on the positive party is:
- To Help Them Loose by Finding their Worst Insecurities and Showing them how positively you can Endorse Them.
I am finding a lot of positive things about myself, which was difficult when I had someone putting me down constantly for so many years. I'm so glad we did not have children, because they would have been really messed up by him.
I am smart and getting stronger every day, refusing to acknowledge the abuse he piled on me for years to build himself up and control me.
What is behind that post above is pure happiness at being out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a lying bitch ! nothing more ordinary than that, or do you think I have some other reason for celebration ?
china man, who me? I was referring to my own " post above" (which obviously shows what a bunch of hell I went through as a result of leaving my marriage). I thought I was being funny (but also meaning it) when I said "ditto". I guess I should have added, "....what is behind my own, long, post, above".
I can relate. My marriage was emotionally abusive too, and ended when I started standing up for myself.
All I have to say is, watch your back. I'd also like to suggest going to school - with the economy as it is and the job market standing in line, going to college is an excellent use of time.
My answer to the question: Both. Someday I'll write the story.
I already have my education. I just want to live my life now. I lived his for many years, not my own.
That's the thing. You can have your education a "ton" of work background; but if the divorce means you're left with less money and/or no job (or way to get one), all of a sudden the whole world can seem to start assuming the only reason you're in a "financial pickle" (or worse) "must be" that you aren't educated, don't know how to manage money, etc. People mean well, but too few people know how it can all work.
(And then, too, besides having people think you need to get educated; you have to deal with people who think you "just weren't willing to work on your marriage" or "didn't take your vows seriously" or "must have issues for leaving a perfectly good marriage - because 'all marriages have problems, and you just have to work on it'".
Divorce may not have changed who I am at the core, but - boy - it was an education in its own way. That's one reason I write about it (or post about it) so often. It's not that I have "issues" and "need to vent". It's that I think people need to know "how it all can work".
If people don't say it (or write about it) other people are still going to go on believing the things they believe about divorce (and "money setbacks" if that happens to also be part of the divorce).
You say it just right - the attitudes from people who just don't know are really very demeaning - the assumptions people make are just like racism, really.
and most people don't even know how bad it is, or that it exists; because they either haven't experienced it, don't see what someone else goes through, or are the very people who perpetrate it. It also probably doesn't help that the people who aren't strong enough to survive the whole, long-term, thing of it are often not fit for voicing opinions or writing by the time "the world" has "done a job on them".
As they say (and as divorce lawyer know very well and aren't above using in an attempt to "zealously protect" client's rights), only the strong survive. For anyone going through that kind of thing, you have to know that if you want to survive, and if you're going to survive, you have to muster up some good fight, stay angry, and be strong (especially for your children)- no matter what.
I was only pointing out school is a good use of time, considering it isn't easy nowadays to find a job. I wasn't trying to say she needed the education. I'm thinking school would be a good way to stay motivated and not fall in the dumps.
Divorce can only have a a positive influence , you have already survived the failures of marriage , what damage can a divorce do to you ? There is only one way to go ,and that's up! The worst part of it is the baggage that you carry with you afterwards. Some for a lifetime . Therein lies the ironies , wasted years, the fears , the prejudices , and hang ups. Life is too short to spend any time in failure mode. Live on , love on , it is out there .
ahoreseback, your response inspired a Hub (and some immediate pondering for me). (Thanks. I've been coming up short when it comes to things to write about.)
I hope the fact that my response resulted in a Hub doesn't come across as "being argumentative" or "making a big thing", because it's really more a matter of "looking beyond" or "looking deeper" in response to your comments.
(One reason I like to come to the forums is that other people's fresh input can inspire a little pondering on one's same old, stale, ideas about what to write Hubs about.) I'll link to this page, but if you'd like to link to your profile or some divorce-related Hub (whatever), just let me know either by commenting on the Hub or else through my profile.)
Yes !!!!! I've inspired someone.....can't wait to see the hub Lisa.
and someone who hasn't been particularly motivated recently too! The Hub's all done and up (but you may not like it . (Oh, you probably won't mind it if you end up reading it. ) Anyway, I pulled out some of the old "files" in my head, dusted them off, and printed the contents.
I can save anyone who can't be bothered reading a whole Hub the trouble, by summarizing: 1. Yes, life is short, but people shouldn't let fear using up precious life minutes push them into moving ahead too quickly. 2. Not all the things appear to be "emotional-hang-ups-based" "not-moving-on" are, and 3. Not everyone sees considering his divorce being in a "failure mode".
Another good thing about the forums is that a person can use them to sum up his Hubs for people, and save them the time and bother of having to read his writing.
It was devastating - to me and to my children - it still haunts us even now that they are grown. I was married 12 years and now after almost 20 years divorced the memory of everything that went on during and after the marriage is still devastating. It was like a full frontal attack on me, my dignity, my sanity, my livelihood and the courts gave me nothing, even though I was not the alcoholic abuser. In fact, the courts tried their best to make me mentally disabled! because I dared to seek a divorce from a government employee who had a lot of clout. I could not believe what was being taken from me, what was happening, and I finally gave up after being accused of being "overly aggressive" and "spiteful" because I sought custody and a settlement. I got nothing, partial custody (which was also taken from me at a crucial time in my kids' lives) It was shocking to me. Most of the friends I counted on deserted me. During the period of my divorce and its immediate aftermath I also lost a sister, a brother, and other people I loved died also. I kept thinking "this is the last horrible thing" and then something else terrible would happen or someone would die. I lost my income several times because of these things and sank into a really terrible depression. People I thought were my friends wrote me off - I was too weak, they thought. I was homeless three times.
I think that I have only survived because I learn every day all over again, how to let the bad stuff go - how to let negative stuff just pass on by. I've learned that my own emotions are temporary and I don't have to act on any of the negative things I feel - I just let those feelings pass through me, doing no harm to me or others. I learned how to treasure myself. I am still learning every day to trust others and that is maybe the hardest thing to do.
Life is not long enough, when all is said and done, to linger over horridness - there is fortunately enough and more than enough love and beauty in the world to counter the ugliness.
If you want to find some peace in your own life, then you must just focus on your own life and all the small and large things you can do to make beauty, make peace. That's what is most important.
Definitely do write down everything you need to and purge yourself of the ugliness and at the same time, take up your quest for peace and beauty and the people who are also looking for those things will come to you! Write about those beautiful things and people too! Writing about both good and bad helps you find the balance you need in your life. This writing is a gift for you to help you heal in every way.
You have to recognize that it is a kind of grieving that is never over when we lose people who we once loved because of a divorce - the same as when a dear one dies - it never ever gets easier - we just adapt to the pain and look for the peace and love and beauty and try to pass on some goodness to others - because there are plenty of people we can help this way. And sometimes that is the only thing that makes me feel better - knowing I am helping others - it gets me through an awful lot of pain.
Just know you have a lot of friends you've never met who have suffered through similar and worse and will help you see their recovery to help you with yours.
Heres the truth of the matter of divorce, you will survive it. everyone will , the possibilities of a better relationship tommorow is the promise of a failed marriage , the important thing is to survive the fall without the negative hangups that we can get mired in. Carrying baggage from one relationship to another in anyones life is the 'failure mode ' of which I was speaking. Concidering that half of marriages will fail , I think it's only fair to say , drop the baggage at the door , and move on , I heard someone say once that," it was all worth it to get where I am today" , I guess thats the simple promise, of having faith in tomorrows possibilities.
Amie, God wants you to know that you are worhtwhile or he wouldn't have created you. I agree with what Lady_Love had to say, but you have to find your self and what you want to do with yourself. I have been divorce twiced, and I feel it made me a better women, because I learn from the expereince of the hurt and pain and I picked yourself up and move forward. The bible even tells us not to look back. Just from reading your post I know you are a very strong women and you will be fine by the grace of God. Please remember dear heart, that everyone we marry isn't necessarily our husbandor wives, but that doesn't mean that he isn't out there. God bless you and continue in his grace. Godspeed. creativeone59
Amie, have you seen the film Diary of A Mad Black Woman? It may not be your story, but a friend of mine is a fan of the film and it is the exact situation. What a reminder. The only difference was the husband was a wealthy lawyer himself, so he had all responsibility. You may want to watch that movie and see how the woman heals! I know it's pure fiction, but I love watching movies that relate to where I am. I think it can speed up the healing process to find something or someone to relate to! I feel you have some great suggestions already written here so I thought I'd throw in a fun one!
Anything we experience in life is supposed to enhance our life. Good or bad , each has it's benifits. Divorce destroys you if you have any heart at all. No matter who's fault . It also is a powerful lesson in Growth. Out of all comes a lesson in self.
Good for you for overcoming the verbal abuse and moving on with your life. You have the right attitude and that will help you heal and move on faster.
Divorce is brutal! I was with a man for 20 years and there was some verbal abuse off and on and we definitely had our issues from the start of the relationship but we forged ahead. We ended up having a child and when our child was 3 we went through a very messy separation, divorce and custody battle. I also lost many friends and family as others have mentioned. I'll spare you all the gory details but it took me about 2 1/2 years to come to terms with things surrounding the divorce.
My ex-husband and I have to have constant contact because of the 50/50 split custody and activities of our child. My ex is also very wealthy and stayed in our family home and he is extremely controlling so we always seem to have ongoing disagreements about things. I was so fed up one day I was googling things like I hate my ex and revenge on my ex. The info that I kept reading was the best revenge is to move on, do well in your life and be happy and that will in essence be a slap in the face to your ex. That information really effected me and a light switch was flipped for me and that's been helpful in moving forward in my recovery process.
I did attend a Divorce Recovery workshop at one of the local churches that was good. I don't know if you have any interest in doing something like that. Of course there also are books on divorce on Amazon that may be specific to some of your issues/needs.
Keep up the good work and best of luck to you.
Been divorced three times and married four. Each one I left with nothing and gave them everything. Taught me about nonattachment and what is important in life...and it is not "things"!
I think you will be fine. You have a good handful of close friends and you sound ambitious. It'll work out for you. My divorce is tough b/c I once was married and loved a woman but she always traveled back to her country for 4 or 5 months apart but she said it is common in her culture. I knew other married couples from her country who did the same thing. I never envisioned marriage like this. We talked about correcting it but nothing came of it. neither of us would commit to living in the other's country full-time. And no she did not work nor wanted to. So, I decided to leave her. I no longer wanted to not share holidays, birthdays..etc with someone on another continent year after year. I am better off now.
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