First and foremost I've come here because I am lost & really don't know what else to do. This has become a constant thing that has become my marriage and I am just too tired to talk anymore. Let me see if I can write a bit of background so my post could be understood more. I became a stay at home mom after our oldest little girl passed from SIDS in 2006 since then we had another little girl so I take care of her (she's 3 1/2) and our 2 boys who are 12 & 7. My husband no doubt is a hard working man and works 2 jobs to support us as best he can. I am a paper crafter and do so to bring in a very small amount into the home so I could feel like I am bringing something in. I do take care of the household & the children and there in tail is where the issue is. I feel like I am a single married woman if that makes sense. I DO NOT get any help from my husband with anything unless I tell him. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember and I end up being upset and for him he just wouldn't talk till I start talking again and he'll do what I say but why is it that I ALWAYS have to tell him what to do I already have 3 kids that I tell what do. He also is SUPER messy and so I have to pick after him as well. I Understand he might be tired but could he not pick after himself. His night job is from 12:30 am until the 7 AM or so when he gets home he will make the boys lunch & open the door for them to get on the bus then go to sleep until 9:30 & get up and leave to come home around 6pm. The days he does have off he will sit and play Xbox or sleep which I understand he needs his rest but I need rest to and a bit of help or am I wrong? Is it wrong to wish he would bath more then just 1 every 2 weeks? Doesn't care really about what he's looking like AGAIN I understand he is working very hard for us. So I have currently looked for a job and will be working part time & I have set up a baby sitter & I will be back home for when the boys get home. Also another issue is the bedroom I am the one who is more adventurous but not him I can predict what he is going to say & do I have tried to change it up but it always ends up the same & the same result me NOT getting anything but hearing a sorry and me a yeah OK. I am really tired. I even have this thought if I won the lotto what would I do and I think I would leave because I feel the only reason I am in this marriage is because I have to be I have nothing of my own which I really am upset at myself for letting it happen because before I became a stay at home mother I took charge of everything for myself and the boys as well. Don't get me wrong I do love him but I really am beginning to question am I in love with him. Am I nuts. I know he loves me and really wish he would actually help but everyone keeps telling me well you knew he was like that before you married him 10 years ago so you knew what you were getting into. Sorry this is so long I am just at my last straw as to what to do. I hate being angry and sad all the time already. Well I think I've written more then enough. Thank you for any advice you might give.
I feel for you. It sounds like you are focussed on what your husband isn't able to give you right now. Maybe you can shift that focus to what is right with the marriage instead.
Marriage is a journey and has seasons. I pray the next season will be more comforting for you. Holly
It's easy to see how frustrated you've become and many of the reasons why. It sounds like you're taking some steps in the right direction though. Speaking from experience, you really have to quit waiting on him to become what you need him to become. You have to concentrate on YOU and taking care of your children. Don't expect anyone else, including your husband to do it for you. It's great when they do, but if you ever begin to rely on someone else to make you happy, you're pretty much guaranteed to be let down at least some of the time.
A book that has helped me a lot is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Check it out at the library. You may see yourself in some of the stories there. I know I did. I've taken the steps to begin to take control of my own happiness.
First of all, Tiredwife, you are on the road to "No exit" zone.
The way things are: your husband works 2 jobs to support his family and he is deadly tired. He needs rest and normal working hours. You cannot possibly work a night, come home, sleep for 2 hours and go again till night on another job.I've been there, but I was alone, no partner to help. Brain stops functioning normally, you do not want anything - just eat and sleep, or just sleep... You'll feel like zombie and will be the one. Normal human being needs to be asleep 7-8 hours a day/night, not 2-3 interrupted. You have to find a job to supplement his ONE job and demand him to quit the second. You need a human being, not a tired zombie! YOU have to work nights and let him sleep along with your children and have rest. That way you do not need babysitter. Of course, he is non-responsive and messy, because he is tired. He makes his body to work overtime, but there is no energy for anything else left and it's normal. Do you want to preserve your family? Then you do that. Children do not need a lot at night, your husband will be more rested and will be happy to do some extra chores in the evening for you and children. Teach older children to help too. Teach everybody to be frugal. You can live on less, if necessary, I am sure. When family is a happy one who cares about old things or the lack of it? Think about it. it is in your hands but you have to work on that, it does not come naturally.
Being a stay at home Mom is one of the most important jobs a Mom can do, yet it can be the hardest as well. There is very little thanks in this job.
My husband has been an over the road trucker for more than 20 years now. So essentially I have been a single parent. Every decision major or minor falls on my head. Kids in trouble? It is something only I have dealt with. Paying bills, my job. Cleaning my job. Going to root the kids on for sports, my job. Taking them to practice, my job. Teaching them to drive, my job. Teaching them everything, my job.
I am not complaining, I never have. I used to sit and wait for him to come home so we could go out and do something as a family. When he'd get home, the last thing he wanted was to go anywhere. About 7 years ago I decided I was wasting my life away waiting for him to live with me. Now I have a life, apart from his, I belong to an Organization. It gets me out of the house and involved in my community. I volunteer. I do things for me. I am finally living.
Being a trucker was his choice, I begged him not to, be he decided this is what he wanted with his life. So be it.
Is he working the 2 jobs because it's something he wants or is it to supplement your income? Contributing? Girl you are doing the hardest job known to woman!
If you want to get a part time job, do it! It will help you feel better about yourself. It will help you feel more productive. Take a college class! Do something! Life is too short to sit around waiting for something to happen.
You will be a better person. Don't sweat the small stuff. If he leaves dirty socks on the floor, as long as the dog don't eat them - leave 'em until he picks them up. Scootch his stuff into a pile, of you don't want to pick up after him.
You will start losing it if you don't get out of the house, without the kids! Find a sitter for the little one during the day, go to the library for an hour or so. You might find other mothers such as yourself and can trade off sitting times!
Sometimes you just need to do something for yourself, without the guilt!
Hi ladies- i am sorry to hear about your relationship frustrations and sadness. Above all, i am SO sorry for your loss, TiredWife... My heart goes out to you.
Wanted to reach out to this community, because what i am working on right now is topical/relevant. i am in Film & Television Production, and am working with a Network to develop a new Reality TV series (currently called the "Untitled Man-Child Project") that will profile the issues that you and SO MANY married couples face. The show is a bit of empathy Boot Camp for a couple with a strong foundation of love... we intervene with fun and helpful insights and exercises that will bring the fractured couples back together. My approach to finding our couples is to go to the places-like this discussion room- where REAL people are talking about their REAL problems...it is the only way to make it REAL reality television, which is our goal.
The "Untitled Man-Child Project" will be light and funny, but also insightful and relatable and important. The emotional stakes are real, but the message is ultimately uplifting.
If this sounds like something you might be interested in, please get in touch with us. You can go directly to the online submission at: http://grasshoppercasting.wufoo.com/for … plication/
Best of luck with your relationships... i'd be remiss not to mention that the more i research this topic, the more i realize how emotionally intelligent and strong we women are. And tired, unfortunately.
Venice, CA 90291
Tiredwife - this is not an easy situation but your husband sounds like he is very depressed. Working two full time jobs? Seriously? You are lonely and sad, rightfully so, but you are the one who can turn this around.
1- don't look for a reward
2- keep the house spotless
3- have great meals ready to go, in the fridge, food he can take to work, table set for dinner (why is he making breakfast for the boys?).
4- clean yourself up and look pretty good when you do see him
5- don't expect anything but do for him right now
6- you're home all day with a 3y old. You can do this.
7- after about 2 weeks, designate a place where you would like each of your 3 men to place their laundry, shoes, coats, whatever. This is to be done AFTER you have the meals ready, house spotless, yourself spruced up, etc. for TWO WEEKS.
8- I promise you will see a change in him, even if it's only hope in his eyes that his home is still a castle
9- above all, don't whine, don't ask him to be touchy-feely or to open up. His cave is deep right now and he's not going to come out until he's ready. He won't be ready until he feels respect and appreciation. He may feel unnecessarily responsible for the child's death. It happens to parents. You'll talk about this later. He may feel like he's trapped with no way out. You must show him that the place in which he lives, where his wife and children are, is a good place, even if it's for the few hours he's there every day.
10- change the sheets every couple of days. You can't seriously expect this man to help around the house. You're home all day. That's your job right now.
11- don't ask for ANYTHING except the designated clothing drop spot after TWO weeks. And do it with a sincere smile on your face because you know that soon, with your new plan, things will turn around.
12- if you're not satisfied in the bedroom, wrestle him to the bottom and take charge. It's not his job to figure that out either. Taking charge might also turn him on more. Bonus!
P.S. - call the casting guy!!!
My friend, I can really understand why you're tired. KIDS are tiring, especially for a stay-at-home mom.
I'm really interested that you're a paper maker. I got, for my 53rd birthday, a hand-bound journal with hand-made paper from my brother. What a gift!! Awesome! It is so special because it's made by hand. Your craft is rare and special, even if it doesn't bring in much money.
YOU are rare and special, and it sounds like you have to put up with a LOT right now, for the sake of your children, your husband and yourself. I DO UNDERSTAND, and, as far as I'm concerned, VENT AWAY!!!
You are in a safe place to do so.
As far as advice in your present situation....
Follow your heart, and God loves you, very, very much.
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