beating

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   lamonda30posted 13 years ago

   do u think that if a woman is beaten by a man and doesn't leave that on some subconcious level maybe she likes it?

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      frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Absolutely not. Nothing is ever that black and white.

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      psycheskinnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No.  People are a bit more complicated than that.

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      fayehelenposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No way! it's about control and bullying. The abuser controls and manipulates their partner until their partner learns helplessness and loose their self esteem. The abused don't leave because they are so manipulated they believe that they deserve the beating. They feel they can't do anything about their situation and due to their low S.E, don't have the courage to leave.  Or maybe scared to leave because of what their partner will do to them when they do.
      The abused may also not leave because the beatings may not be constant. The good times over-ride the bad times. They love their partner (and abuser), just not when they are acting that way - the same way you might love a partner, just not when they are drunk, in a mood etc.
      
      I'm pretty sure nobody would enjoy being hurt... !

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      Jeff Berndtposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No.

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i don't know about that.  i think its more of a case of fear of knowing what might happen to them if they do leave, and it's also a notion of the man making her believe that she has no other options. 
      
      however, you are right.  most people do have the power to leave out of an abusive relationship whenever they like, but seldom few ever realize this until it's too late...

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         china manposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I don't agree that abused women can leave the relationship so easily.  It is not just a simple situation where there is a beating and then another - it is a process of domination and abuse - a bit like wearing prisoners down to break them - wartime prisoners, Cold war spies and Guantanemo style.  Abusers usually 'work' a system of abuse - then remorse and exagerrated love - then abuse and so on.  By the time the woman realises it is time she left it is too late and she 'feels' incapable of leaving for fear, but he will kill himself (he says) and of course he will come after her, and he has proved he can be excessive so she feels she cannot withstand him.

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            Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            china, i never said it was easy to walk away in those type of relationships. I just said they have the power to leave whenever they like, but seldom few ever realize this until it's too late. 
            
            edit: as i even stated, the man will often induce fear into the woman, and making her think she has no other choice but to stay with him.

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               frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               They know. Fear holds them back - not a lack of knowledge.
                
               
               
               Yup.

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                  Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Well fear can often make anyone forget about a lot of things, and impair one's judgment.  As a wise man once said, "fear and intimidation can be a powerful weapon to be used against you."

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   6. 77

      Fenixfanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      My grandmother was beaten by 2 out of her 3 husbands. In her words, she said that with the way the economy was, she took it because of her kids. She couldn't afford to support them on her own. You have to understand this is around the 1960's before there were so many openings for women. I believe women usually take it because of this example or that their idea of love is on a different level than that of a mans. I have known women to cling to men that beat them just because they were in love with them and willing to deal with the pain, because of the happiness they felt with them when they weren't being beat. That sounds sad doesn't it.

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      1. 77

         frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         They take it for a myriad of reasons. Fear being the driving factor. Interesting, one thing not mentioned in this thread (that I've noticed) is hope. Some victims also hope that their partner will change, or that they can somehow change them. Is that the same as loving someone?

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2. 66

   awareposted 13 years ago

   hmmm nice to meet you first welcome to this medium . im seeing a  theme in your questions .  no one likes to get beaten but people do have a weird need to fight . thats both genders.

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3. 76

   starme77posted 13 years ago

   nope - she dont like it on any level take it from someone with ptsd from that shit - I never liked it - the mind goes into a state of shock not a sate of liking what the hell kind of question is that anyway?

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      lamonda30posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i wouldn't know. that's why i am asking. the only dumb question is the one u don't ask. i been hit one time and trust me he still feelin the ramifications til this day. he was my exhusband. i agree wit the other girl some people just like to fight and if that is true the the same applies. theres only one person on this earth that could hit me and get away with it and it's my mother.

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      1. 76

         starme77posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I never said it was a dumb question but really - if ya think about it - would you like it if your mother hit you? I mean you said she could get away with it so ask yourlself this, would you like it  in some subconsious way? Did you when your ex hit you? There ya go ya got yer answer -

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         1. 41

            lamonda30posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            my mother is one thing because  my mother hasn't hit me since i was 13. but if she does i know it's because of my smart mouth. i know MY MOTHER means me no harm. of coarse i didn't like it. he wanted to talk and i didn't and he wasn't comprehending that. but he regrets it cus in las vegas it's kinda hard to get a job with that on ya rap sheet. if something is subconcious u are not aware of it. it is quite possible to like something even if u shouldn't  take dominatrix. some like spanking while others enjoy choking. now how retarded is that especially if they get carried away and u wind up dead. i understand u though. im just saying u never know whats in another persons mind

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            1. 77

               frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Whilst I understand the point you are making, being beating up by your partner is not sexy, it doesn't bring you to orgasm, it doesn't heighten sexual pleasure in any way, shape or form.
               
               It just hurts.

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                  starme77posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  exactly

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4. 58

   J.R. Smithposted 13 years ago

   NO. but if she tolerates it, she will be enabling him to think it's okay.

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      Diane Insideposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I agree JR I think if a man hits a woman once he will again, it is best to get away from him immediately.
      
      but they don't. Then wonder why he does it again.  It is not her fault he beats her but it is her fault that she keeps taking it.
      
      There are so many resources out there that can help a woman nowadays to get away from abusers.

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         J.R. Smithposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         There might be other factors as well.Drugs /alchohol, Children, maybe they were brought up in a similiar environment or even low self esteem.

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         frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         And you know this for sure? It's a fact?
         
         
         
         Are there? That everywhere? How accessible are they? How much security will they provide? How safe will they make the service user feel, should they be able to access one of thses services in the first place? Can she trust them?

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5. 66

   Flightkeeperposted 13 years ago

   I think it's more likely that she's so psychologically terrorized that she feels trapped and can't leave.

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i agree.  fear can blind you when its used against you.

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      starme77posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      there ya go its called trauma and it really , really sucks

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6. 77

   frogdroppingposted 13 years ago

   It can. But with victims of physical and/or mental abuse (here I believe it's about physical beatings) the fear is just pure fear. It doesn't cloud your judgement, it alters your perspective.
   
   The kind of fear that abusive partners create isn't the kind that makes you forgetful. Trust me - it has quite the opposite effect. For the main you forget nothing. Forgetting increases the likelihood of further beatings, over and above those that will have naturally occured.
   
   It is very difficult to comprehend if you haven't experienced the kind of abuse being discussed here. The fear is everything.
   
   I'm an intelligent woman. I wasn't less so as a consequence of being hammered on a regular basis.
   
   We know better, we're aware that there's better. But - between 'here' and 'better' is 'them'. It's a very simple concept.

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No, i get perfectly what your saying, and i do know about this topic fairly well.  probably a lot more than most people posting in this forum, as my father used to beat up my mom a lot when i was a child and I witnessed all of them too, so i know exactly what your talking about. 
      
      im not disagreeing with you about the fear factor, as fear does play a crucial role in all of this.

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         frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I believe you have an understanding Steven, much the same way as my eldest son did. But - witnessing it is different from suffering it. You will have your own perspective, as does my son. I'd never believe anyone that watched one parent beating up the other that he or she didn't experience fear of their own - as well as various other negative and confusing emotions.
         
         All I'm saying is seeing it gives one perspective, being the abused another.

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            Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I don't disagree. i think witnessing someone getting beaten is completely different from going through it yourself.  unfortunately, i too was a victim of my father's wrath at times.  sure, he says it was for disciplinary purposes and still admits that to this day. however, some of the things he did to me as a child makes me wonder how im still alive to this day.  as he kicked me in the face, when i was just a baby, according to my mother's account. plus, he picked me up once and threw me across the room, when i was like 12.  if it wasn't for my mother catching me, then i would've busted my head on the floor.  needless to say, that was the last straw for my mother, as she didn't like the idea of seeing her own children in danger like that.
            
            anyways, it sounds like you have a lot of first hand knowledge of this happening to you froggy, and i'm sorry that you had to go through that.  i just hope things are severely better for you, and that your no longer in that type of situation.  Plus, I think you brought up a lot of valid points on this issue.  It's a shame some women still end up victims of this type of relationship.

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7. 77

   frogdroppingposted 13 years ago

   Ahhh I'm fine Steven. It all happened a way back. It's all only alive in my memory, I don't live or dwell on it. I'll be really honest - it has no effect on me now. I'm very happy, I'm loved, I also have three wonderful (grown) children, I have nothing to be sad or sorry about.
   
   As for you - I figure that your suffering was no less worse than mine, just different. And as you say, you're father regularly chastised you, coupled with what sound as though they were hard beatings. I'm pretty sure that even though you won't go as far as to say that your dad out and out beat you - I bet you were never sure of the severity of what you'd got coming, based on what he'd done to your mom.
   
   I got out when I realised I would end up dead. The fear of my children becoming motherless was stronger than my fear of my partner.
   
   Be well - I am

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks froggy, I appreciate the warm sentiment. I am.  To be honest, I don't even think about those days anymore.  Sure, there was a time, I wanted revenge against my father for putting my mother and us through that, but I eventually learned to forgive him.  My mom for some reason always had the heart of a saint when it came to forgiving others, so that's why I followed her example and just forgave him eventually.  Sure, he'll never admit he's wrong to this day about anything, but it's in the past.  Besides, life is too short for grudges anyway. 
      
      I'm glad to hear your life has gotten a lot better since then froggy, as no woman nor anyone for that matter, should ever have to put up with an abusive relationship on any level.

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   donotfearposted 13 years ago

   No, she doesn't like it. But she may be conditioned for "learned helplessness". There's lots of reasons a woman won't leave.  Codependence is one, fear is another. A woman who continually finds herself in abusive relationships needs to look at why she has developed a pattern of unhealthy attachments.  Hopefully, she'll get out someday.

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   1. 41

      lamonda30posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      so what is it about when sometimes it's the woman who starts the fight. i myself have started a couple with one word i wont mention. but my friend has a bit of a temper where he's concerned and sometimes it is her that starts swingin

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         starme77posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         usually ... if a woman swings the man can stop the blow pretty easily without hitting back ... there is no reason to ever hit a woman ...

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            cocoa26posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Agree!!!!

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               Druid Dudeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               No reason for anyone to hit anyone. And I have seen women who could put a hurt on a guy, even the same size or bigger. Women stay because of fear. That's not a relationship, that's an ordeal. Physical violence has nothing to do with love or respect, both of which are things which one should DEMAND of a relationship.

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