From perhaps every human perspective, advice on issues about marriage tend to have the undertone of endurance... like it's just a neccessary 'evil' we all should pass through. Of course I know many people don't stay married for long but I think many hoped to. And the emphasis on the negatives seem to be more than that on the positives. (Some people don't even remember to tell you about positives). I thought there's no big deal to being married but am yet to meet the first married person to agree with me. It's kind of scary... that living with my girlfriend is going to be a different proposition when we get married? It's like dabbling into the world of the unknown... like a gamble. I hate gambling
Depends what you want. Do you really want a life partner or do you just want a nice, comfy, hormonally easy ride that requires no effort and doesn’t have to stand the test of time. If you just want someone to have sex with and who will go do stuff with you, hang out, then yeah, marriage is a horrible idea. Frankly, even if you want to make a baby so you have someone to coach T-ball for that will call you “Dad,” then marriage isn’t even that great of an idea--good for the kid during childhood, but, not really a good reason for marriage to another person. I think if you get married for those reasons, then yes, you will end up feeling like marriage is a chore and that you have to “endure.”
Great things take time and energy to make.
If you want something deeply comforting and that transcends those simple relationship functions, then that’s different. In that case, you might consider marriage. Yes, a long marriage requires that you endure stuff here and there. But that kind of endurance is mostly enduring challenges to your own selfishness (at least that’s what I continue to find out over the course of 22 years so far).
If you want to CREATE something bigger, then put in the time with someone who values that devotion and dedication and loyalty too. Then commit. Actually listen to the vows you recite. Tell yourself they are written in stone. Your WORD has to mean something; your promise has to mean something. If devotion matters, then the promises we make have to be actual commitments, to ourselves even more than to those to whom we make them (which does not mean you have to be perfect; but you must strive for it).
It’s all about what you want. Find someone who’s been married for forty or fifty years and ask them about “endurance.” I doubt you’ll find many who will agree “endurance” is really at the core of their relationship. I don’t think that when an old man or an old woman dies at age 80 or 90 and his or her spouse of many decades, with nothing wrong with them at all, dies a week or a month later… I don’t think that sympathetic death comes from “endurance.”
It’s the loss of true love: the loss of a love so vast and dependable and necessary that it was no longer a part of life, it was life. That’s worth shooting for, in my opinion.
Shadesbreath, thanks for your touching remarks. No one ever expressed the so called endurance to me like this before- 'But that kind of endurance is mostly enduring challenges to your own selfishness'. I think that statement alone has put everything in the right perspective for me. I think marriage is a good thing and my persuations about marriage mirrors what you highlighted above (suprisingly), I started this because of a people tend to caution me anytime I go all excited marriage. I guess they do it in the wrong way, the cruel way. You are an inspiration. Thank you again
I think just living together is enough to be considered a "real marriage". To me, it seems like getting married becomes and obligation and that is why it sucks. It sorta sucks your freedom away. You have to "pay" to get away. You cannot just walk away.
On the other hand, if you don't get married you know that you are staying together because you want to be together. In my mind, that is a "real marriage".
It's natural to have "problems" when you are constantly with someone and taking up the same space, this happens with just friends too; the difference is that you aren't "obligated" to say or "pay the price", but you stay because it does actually mean that much to you.
I think there are more advantages in the long run. I am sharing this link -- http://hubpages.com/hub/What-are-the-be … ng-married
Nothing is certain in our world though, try your best, don't be scared.
Remember that we have different circumstances, always put your shoes in each other so that you know when you are hurting each other already.
Tell her what is in your mind no matter what it is.
Loyalty and being faithful are good.
But what in"life" isn't a gamble? Marriage is different from just living with one another. My husband and I did that for three years before we married. Marriage creates a different kind of a bond...and Marriage goes through a lot of passages and changes...yes it's challenging...This was my second marriage. My first after 22 years ended in Divorce...but we were only 19 with a child on the way. When we married. He was the one that left, but he has more regrets (yes, there was another woman, whom he is now divorced from) Yes, I am still married to #2...he is my soulmate, lover and best friend.
In the end you have to do what's right for you...it's not a gamble...it's a choice.
I have been married for 7 years now and am very happy with my marriage. Yes we have and do fight about stupid stuff (it usually is stupid anyway) but like anything in life worth having it does take some work. I love having someone I feel totally safe with, with whom I can lavish my affection and just have a good laugh with. I think people need to remember that anyone you marry is a person! They are going to have their own feelings and perspectives. They are going to make mistakes and have their bad points, thats just part of being human. There is something about accepting and being accepted, warts and all, in a truly loving marriage. He teases me when I fart, I call him a woman when he can't make up his mind shopping
We both know its just teasing and tease right back
Very encouraging and very true. Is it possible to think my wife (when I marry her) is better than the lady I dated?
Better? What is better?
We all change and grow so long as our hearts beat. Sometimes sadly we grow apart, sometimes joyfully we grow closer. Was my hubby 'better' when we were not married? No. We didn't know each other quite as well and so there was more mystery and room for my imagination to make a perfect image that was not quite realistic. The reality of who he is is better then the fantasy created with lesser knowledge of who he is. I think this is why relationships start out so brilliantly. The other person is just perfect, no living person has ever been so amazing! Then we figure out that we blanked out the imperfections, or didn't notice them, but in time they cannot be ignored. What is amazing is when the imperfections stop mattering again, not the honeymoon faze but a real acceptance of who the other person is. To really accept a person, warts and all is not easy but it is the most profound love you can give, and equally it is the most profound love to receive
'The reality of who he is is better then the fantasy created with lesser knowledge of who he is'. Great insight here, kirstenblog. I guess the acceptance of who he really is makes the perception of him a better experience- if am not missing your point. Question is, is the pre marital acceptance of any value or likeness or usefulness to the post marital one? Thank you for caring...
This is just absolutely beautiful. I don't know if everyone picked up on it, but one of the true keys to deep love is in the first of these posts: "I think people need to remember that anyone you marry is a person!" I think one problem in modern marriages is that people often try to marry the image, not the person.
kirstenblog, thank you so much for these lovely insights! (coming from a 33-years-married woman).
There was a study done one time that concluded that marriage has a positive effect on longevity. In effect people who were married lived longer.
But really if you are with the right person, You will feel blessed everyday of your life together. Of course there will be hard times, because nobody gets along with someone 100% of the time. But the good times will outweigh the bad times 10 fold.
The only advice I could give a man from a womans prospective would be, to make sure she knows how much you love and respect her. And make her feel safe and secure, knowing she is with the right person.
Even when my husband and I argue, as I am storming off to have my pity party, I say I still love you. So he knows this will pass and my feelings for him hasn't changed.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Thanks for the advice. Love indeed is a mystery. Do you at that point of argument feel like hating him?
No I feel like hating the arguement , and the fact that at that time we are unable to agree, or at least agree to disagree.
I hate the fight, I could never hate him. Unless he gave me reason to ie. cheating.
But I have never felt like hating him. The reason I tell him I still love him is because one time early in our relationship he said he felt like I hated him, and I didn't know that is the way he felt. So now I tell him no matter what.
Cause growing up in my family, I remember my parents being so mad at us kids sometimes. My mom would fuss and argue with us then in the next breath tell us how much she loved us and how proud she was of us. So I never felt hated or un loved. And it was hard for me to understand for a while why he would think I didn't love him just because we had an arguement. But now I make sure he knows.
No marriage is perfect. Love and cherish your wife. Allow the love in your marriage to grow and your marriage will become stronger and stronger.
Marriage is different for everyone. It has a lot to do with compromise but most importantly it is about love. Loving each other means you want to be with that person for as long as possible. Life however does get in the way at times and this may lead to a break up.
A commitment to marriage is not an easy thing to decide, but once you do decide, that's when the hard work starts. Mostly it is good work.
My husband and I will be married 25 years in January and we're still going strong
MeGunner, if you've already lived together, you're half way there. Good luck.
You have plenty of time. it took me almost 30 years to realise that I am married to the wrong person! Joke aside, you have to decide:
Do you really need that person that much to allow her/him to mop here and there, to and fro between you and the rest of the world for life? You think that you do - then go ahead and get married. At least we have a divorce nowadays.
My wife and I have been married for forty three years. I love her madly.
Here is just a snip from a hub I wrote about that:
I have to tell you this. After four and a half decades, she still makes me melt sometimes. I mean sometimes I just see her face and I get all gooey inside and I just have to go kiss her and hug her. I know, I know: I'm lucky. I'm most lucky that she says she gets the same feelings.
Love does not always fade. Sometimes it just gets deeper.
And pay attention to what Shadesbreath said!
Thank you. Forty three whaaaatttttt???? You sure know what you are talking about. But what of those who divorce after so many years of marriage and now feel they are better for it?
MeGunner, listen to Pcunix, he's a smart man who knows how to keep a woman happy.
I don't know. They made an error or the other person did.
Don't get the idea that life is always perfect. We fight. We get grumpy. We say stupid things. But I cannot stay angry and she can't either.
I married a very smart woman. She married a very smart man. Maybe that helps. Neither of us is religious, we both dislike pro sports, we don't do drugs, we aren't alcoholics - a lot of stuff can interfere with marriage. We are both liberals, we've always had all the money we really needed and never cared much for material things.. I dunno, we "fit".
Find someone who fits, if her face makes you melt and you fit, go for it.
Personally, I have nothing good to say about marriage - however, marriage can't be all bad. Some people manage marriage well while others don't, and the reasons are as varied as the people that are married.
If you marry for companionship, don't expect great financial benefits! If you marry for sex, don't expect to grow old together. If you marry for money, don't expect a loving bond to develop and sustain the marriage through life, etc.
If you marry the person you love who also loves you, you can most likely expect that love to grow between the two of you.
I was just wondering how it really is because obviously you never will know until you step into it. And what you just thought me is not bad at all...Thank you
Well, I think most people know what they're doing when they get married, otherwise they're deluding themselves. So, based on this belief, I have to say people shouldn't be expecting more than they're giving in a relationship.
So, really, what I'm telling you is this: as long as you (and your spouse) marry for the right reasons, marriage can be a good thing.
Know yourself. Know your spouse to be.
Love yourself. Love your spouse to be.
Trust yourself. Trust your spouse to be.
Nurture yourself. Nurture your spouse to be.
Respect yourself. Respect your spouse to be.
Build a relationship based on mutual love, trust, and respect, and you may be surprised at how natural marriage can be.
My advice is everyone who wants to marry has to realize, no one is going to change or mold the other person. Be able to respect each other, be able to talk to each other, give each other space when needed, and when each other makes mistakes it should never be about verbally beating them up to make them feel less than. A marriage will be what you choose it to be.
MeGunner...you're getting lots of good insight here...i usually joke around about marriage/divorce...but i was happily married at one time, for a long time...life threw a curve ball at me....blindsided me...but I'd do it all over again...how's that?
i have a couple of more things to add, if your parents had a happy marriage, learn from that, learn from them, if they didn't, learn from that too and don't repeat some of the things they did as a couple...sometimes we turn around and we see patterns being repeated unintentionally, the good and the bad, realize which ones you want to repeat and which ones you don't and remain aware of them.
a small bit of advice, don't go to bed angry or without resolving issues...resolve them quickly....the small stuff can turn into bigger issues and snowball before you know it.
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