We've been together for over 5 years, and I thought he was the one. We've always talked about our future, until the past year when I started realising that maybe that wasn't going to happen? Why is it that some couples can only be together for 2 years and know they want to spend the rest of their lives together? Does that mean anything that it's been over 5 years, and he still doesn't know? To me, this was misleading. He should never have said anything at the start...because I believed it.
There were so many things that went wrong in our relationship. I felt like I made all the effort and he rarely did. The extra things that you do for one another to show them that you love them, I didn't see much of that from him. It was always me who made plans, who booked fancy dinners. All I ever wanted was him to make an effort to show him he loved me. I stopped doing things about 6 months ago, because I felt exhausted, doing things and realising I wasn't getting anything back. Did I realise it then that something wasn't right? Should I have questioned that a long time ago?
Do people agree that their other half should be fighting for the other's love? I feel like I have been, but I have not seen it in him. There's proof with this, when I am the one who goes back whenever we have an argument. I am the one to know I still want to try. Until the last argument we had where I broke things off. If he still loves me, why doesn't he try and convince me that we've got something that can still improve? Why wasn't he there that night looking for me? Is this typical of a guy's pride? How do I get him to throw that attitude out the window?
He has never understood or even tried to understand my reasoning when we have arguments. Why is it that guys have to be logical all the time? It makes me feel like I'm at fault, and all I want is for him to feel empathy! To understand what emotions I am going through. I can be rational, but not at the time when something deeply affects me emotionally.
It feels like he is trying hard to not grow up. He seems to be fighting it, or at least he thinks that once marriage kicks in, his life is over, and he is trying to do everything now before it happens. But I don't believe that is true. Marriage and family is something different, it only beings then! When the two of you can actually build something together that can be an amazing path! Is it because he does not really want marriage, or want a family that he doesn't understand this? He is also scared that we will become like his sister's marriage - a loveless one where they no longer communicate or agree on things, and live their own life doing things they want to do themselves, not for each other or the family. They put all their energy instead into their daughter, who is more and more becoming knowingly spoilt.
So all these reasons, they played a part in the reason why I decided to break up with him. But I still love him, and do think that there is a chance we can be together and improve things. We've been together for over 5 years, and I am past 30yo now! I wanted to start a family 2 years ago! I have been supportive of him, patiently waiting for him to be ready. I'm no longer sure I can wait anymore. And I am finding that I've become more focused in terms of what I want and who I am. I realised I lost myself for part of the relationship, I became his mother. I now have found myself again, but he doesn't seem to like it, now that I don't give him as much attention, and now that I'm doing things for myself, like going back to study. He complains about my work, my career, my choices, yet I've never complained to him.
I don't know if I've got him all right... there's definitely another side to this story. But from what I say, should I try to see if we can give another shot? Inside my heart, I want to and I think there's still a chance we can make things better. But also, I'm scared that if this doesn't work, I may lose my chance to ever have the family I wanted
I don't really want to play any games either. I have said that I didn't want to see him or talk to him until I was ready. He said he hoped that he would still see me or talk to me, but I have felt stronger now, and when I email him and ask him to catch up, he says that he wants some time to clear his mind and will chat when we get back home. We are currently on holiday but staying separate from each other. Does that mean he's pushing me away? I don't get it... how can he not know how he feels? Why can't he just show his emotions?
I'm worried that if he can't show his emotions, then we won't be able to move on, and we will become like his sister and brother-in-law.
It's hard to see things clearly when you're involved in a relationship, no matter good or bad it is. There is an optimist in all of us and we always want things to work out in the end, but reality is something quite different.
We also tend to fall in love with a guy's "potential" and not see him for who he really is.
The thing about marriage is that it won't magically change him into the man you've always wanted. It doesn't work that way, nor does wishing he will change. The way he is is the way he will most likely be if you decide to marry him. What you see is what you will get. Now ask yourself, would you be happy with that for the rest of your life?
My advice to you, with all honesty and sincerety because I have been there and done that... believe me, is just let him go.
Intelligent advice and insight.
"There is an optimist in all of us and we always want things to work out in the end, but reality is something quite different." I am assuming that all of us means women?
"We also tend to fall in love with a guy's "potential" and not see him for who he really is." You also fail to realize when you are being played. Most women have a need to nuture and fix people. The more messed up a man is, the more some woman is convinced she can fix him. Most fail to realize that if they take control of their needs, they will have a better chance of getting them fullfilled. Bottom line is that the more self reliant you are, the better quality of male you are going to attract. Quit trying to fix em and you'll find one that doesn't need fixing. As long as a man has control of your happiness, you will never be happy. Try something different if you don't mind. The next time you meet someone that you are interested in, imagine how much they can help you become the person you were meant to be. Beats the hell out of others not living up to your ideals right?
The answer is 'NO.' Get along to the next part of your life.
I say take your own decisions. Make your life, don't expect any thing. Live and be happy. Don't prove your self right and show others fault. Don't try to show your self superior. It happens when some really cares for u. I had my ex-girl friend. I was running all the time behind her for every thing. But when i not responded to her. She chased me like crazy. Finally she did the same thing to me. Relationship is not to hold some one in cage. leave on them. Let them free. If he really loves you he will come or leave. Give him some time and talk the matter. Make him happy and forget bad time.
Let it go it is not worth the time and suffering you are doing, he has moved on and you must as well.Time has a way of changing our perceptions and how we once thought we cared was actually infatuation only. there are so many seeking out there it is just pointless to suffer, live, have fun and know God loves you.
Sometimes its best to stay alone and away from that person so you can see things more clearly. then start your life over with a new clear image of yourself and your future.
Move on with your life, find someone else but don't have very high expectations, you might be disappointed once again.
It is the old addage... 'familiarity breeds contempt'. It might be better if you just took some time and space out. You could start dating again and realise what it was that was so magical when you first met.
You have just lost your way and taken each other for granted. Never say never... there could be an exciting future that waits you both!
I would say, give yourselves some space and think things through because dating is just only the beginning, marriage is a whole new ball game(since you want to start a family soon). From experience if a guy is not doing all the chasing and making all the effort in a relationship it is highly unlikely he will when he is married. Good luck
Fighting for love is wonderful if both partners are engaged in the fight! Fighting for love is not the same if only one person is fighting. You may wind up fighting for the love of someone who is fighting for the love of someone else. If a relationship is worthwhile, waiting for a while and being patient is never a bad thing. If nothing happens after some time, perhaps a re-evaluation is necessary.
let him miss you and see what happens. Don't expect anything from him bec you know how he is already. Give him time or set a deadline in your mind and stick with it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he is not just the way you expected him to be, maybe you have known this already since the very beginning, men seldom change unless he really loves you.
If he really loves you, he will approach you. Give each other time. if he said he is not ready for marriage bec he is scared of some things about it, then don't open it up again to him. Just take it easy, go with the flow.
Thanks guys! I guess I should know that we need some time apart to think about things. I'm definitely growing stronger now, and I'm beginning to know what I want again.
I'm not going to think too much about it now, not until he's ready to catch up.
Just sometimes, it's hard to understand how a guy thinks and make out what it means? We girls probably make too many assumptions, and by wanting to make them a better person for us, we expect a lot from them.
Read or view "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The most delightful insight into the male mind ever. Accurate, unexpected, and easy to live with. You can also learn something about yourself. After reading this, you'll say, "Oh, yeah, I get it now."
Walk away from this guy and don't look back... he's not the one for you. Cut your losses and don't waste another minute of your precious time and energy on him.
You stated the following:
"There were so many things that went wrong in our relationship. I felt like I made all the effort and he rarely did. The extra things that you do for one another to show them that you love them, I didn't see much of that from him."
Why would you even consider wasting another day, hour, or minute with this guy? Cut your losses and move on.
I realize it's easier said than done after 5 years but it sure is a lot easier than after 10 or 20 years!
When you have found your "soulmate" you will know it because he will automatically see you as being his "soulmate".
Rules of Love
1. You don't negotiate or demand love and affection.
(They are given freely)
2. You don't manufacture chemistry.
(It's either there or it's not)
Don't waste anymore of your time trying to change water into wine! Go find someone who wants what you want.
Ultimately that's what we are all looking for.
Best of Luck!
You asked a lot of "whys"!
If you are still interested to get answers, you should get together and ask him all that. Sometimes it is very useful to listen to the other side. Then you'll know what to expect and what not.
I've been living with a wrong guy for almost 30 years.
It took me that long to figure it out. I cannot turn time back, and I have to take care of him because he is very ill now and I feel obligated. I cannot go away, I cannot change anything, it's too late. If you want to have children and he is not, you have to get away fast and find another person, who has the same goals. It's not a simple task but it is life, don't waste it, don't waste it on regrets either.
First of all I'd like to say I'm sooo unbelievably sorry that you are going through this, I know exactly what it's like and I'm so sorry! *hugs*
When it happened with me, I was the one who kept it going and always gave a second chance, no matter what. I was once strong and became weak, always putting up with the fights and abuse.
When we broke up I was still in love and was freakishly attached, but I then said to myself that my ex wasn't worth me, and once I said that I was PERFECT and FREE. It was honestly 10 days later at 10pm that this realisation occurred.
Sometimes it takes a while, but you will find out soon what you really want. I bed you constantly gave him second chances and were the one to hold things together - if you were, that's what you'll always be.
I always thought we could repair things, but the truth is we couldn't, the damage was done!
Give it time, get a perspective from someone who knows you both but who is neutral to you, people can always give good info.
I say you also want to get back with him cos you feel you need to have a family, well if that's the case, believe me you are soooo young! plenty of time for that, make sure you know you have the right person first.
Time and talking will help you clear your head, make the right decision. I hope he makes the right one as well.
Thank you so much! I've tried to get myself through each day, with distractions. So far, it's helping slightly, I guess it can only get better?
I know exactly what type of person he is, so I guess I ought to know that it won't work. But there is always that hope, right?
The feelings go up and down...but from hearing about other's experiences, it will have more ups than downs eventually.
I was the one who broke it off, and when I did, I said that I will let him know when I was ready to talk. I never gave him a chance to say what he was thinking. But when I realised this, I called, only to get nothing. So either this is the male ego talking, or this is his real opinion. I'm not happy to settle for both anyway, so I'm just going to let it go. If and when he decides he has had a thought and does care, he can share his feelings, but right now, I'm just going to enjoy my time on holiday and have fun!
" Does that mean anything that it's been over 5 years, and he still doesn't know? To me, this was misleading. He should never have said anything at the start...because I believed it." This is a question that has two different answers. Was he wrong to say anything, or were you wrong for believing it?
"There were so many things that went wrong in our relationship. I felt like I made all the effort and he rarely did." If he wasn't willing to put in the effortr to discover if you were the one, what makes you think he would put in the effort once this decision was made?
"It was always me who made plans, who booked fancy dinners." It was always you that made all the effort, right?
"All I ever wanted was him to make an effort to show him he loved me." And he knows this.
"There's proof with this, when I am the one who goes back whenever we have an argument" You need him he doesn't need you.
"I am the one to know I still want to try." Why? You know nothing will change, right?
" If he still loves me, why doesn't he try and convince me that we've got something that can still improve?" How can things improve for him? He treats you like crap and you come back. He has it made darlin. You are convinced you can't be happy alone and he uses this knowledge to keep you comin back. You fail to realize that if you can be happy alone, you will find someone who will improve the level of happiness you endure on a daily basis.
Tis the season so I will mention that I recognize the actions the love of your life is using and why. Read my profile and you will realize that I spent years doing to my ex what the love of your life is doing to you. My ex finally found a good guy and happiness. You can do the same once you make up your mind you deserve it. Until that day comes, you will continue to ask yourself these questions over and over. Hope the honesty affected you as much as I intended. Good luck with the rest of your life, if and when you decide to start living it.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I promise to be brutally honest with you.
Yes, you should! What if he is thinking the same thing too? So, a big 'yes' would be my answer!
You should not breakup, as clearly this relationship means a lot to you. You have out 5 years at stake, and your love for him has only grown over the years.
If you feel that it is not so for him, maybe you should take a break. When I say this, I mean that you should NOT completely breakup with him. But you should explain to him how you feel and that maybe a little distance will make you closer. Make sure that he does not misunderstand your intentions.
All these years, he has known that you are there for him and will always be. And even though it is hard to accept it, as the relationship grows older, we tend to take each other for granted. It is not entirely a bad thing. But it is also not a good thing. It is important for us to believe that our partner is there for us, through thick and thin. But at the same time, we should not start believing that our partner will be there for us even if we forget about them.
If you take a break, he will realize how much your absence pinches him.
Aso, you might even be able to see how you feel with a break and if you will be able to handle a breakup. This way, you are not only seeing how the breakup will impact you, but you are also giving your boyfriend a chance to realize that life without you is not the same.
All the best to you!
It's been some time now... I was able to distract myself, just spend some time with friends and family over Christmas. It is still hard sometimes, when I think about things. Especially seeing all my friends settled down, and most of them now with their own kids.
I did send him a message this morning, to say Merry Christmas. He replied and said the same thing, and said that I beat him to it. For some reason, I don't believe what he said. This is what he always does, whenever I do something, he says that he was just about to. How does that make me feel? Pretty low in confidence really... how can I get over that? And how can he prove that he will do what he says next time?
There is no time limit to how long it takes to heal those wounds.
However, until you really become okay with the break up and understand why it happened, you will only find it harder to move on.
Leave the past in the past.
Some things are not meant to be kept forever. You have to stop and let go when things are not going right and everything that you do is not appreciated. There is no use holding on to a relationship when you are the only one doing it and the other person does not seem to care at all.
My ex-girlfriend/wife ended our 5 year relationship and went about our lives for 10 years.
We reconnected and realized that we just weren't ready at that time. We both needed to evolve as individuals (maybe not quite 10 years!). We love each other and plan to spend the rest of our lives together.
You just never really know how life will go. If something is right, it's right.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them.
I recently read a quote that said, "You can only truly love someone after you've emotionally let them go." For a little while try to let him go emotionally, and see what happens. Let your intuition guide you.
Have you even spoken with him about how you are feeling. I have noticed that if a man asks his girlfriend if everything is alright, ok etc. the answer is usually I'm fine, sure. Women have the tendency to not talk about how they are feeling with their man. The guy is just supposed to know automatically. We don't think like women do. He probably knew something was wrong and didn't know how to fix it, then was just hoping things will work out.
Now you two are broken up, it caught him by suprize and he is trying to sort it out.I know he is hurting. Now you are here or asking your girlfriends about what he thinking... ask him! communicate! I bet he wants to do the right thing and misses you like hell. Let him know how you feel, see how he feels and find out if both of you are willing to work on YOUR relationship.
I have noticed that advice from Girlfriend and other women about relationships is 90% jaded. Women always want to empathize with other women, but most of the time they don't give the guy that is committed to working on the relationship the same opportunity to empathize.
It takes 2 to tango, and relationship problems are a 2 way street. Good luck
The answer is Yes.. Make the effort to have a second chance, it may seem hard but if you really love him this is something you must do
I haven't responded for a while..here's a catch up of what has occurred over the past 7 weeks..
We both came back from our holidays, but the atmosphere was very tense. I didn't know whether I liked the fact that we were living together, and felt like I had to avoid him until he wanted to start talking.
When we finally spoke, he was very unsure if he wanted to try again. He said that when I broke up with him, half of him felt that we should just have thought about it over our holiday, and half of him felt that it was the right decision to do. I tried to be a councellor and friend, asking him questions to get him thinking about things. But we did keep on bringing back the past, things that had happened, and our issues.
After that, we were okay, until a couple of days later, when I said that I had been thinking, and I needed an answer from him. I gave him a window of 3 days to decide. When that day came, he still didn't know. He was very unsure. And even I was not sure what I wanted to hear from him. He asked if it was better if he was more absolute, and then when he was ready, to tell me then. I don't know. Part of me said yes, but then part of me said no because I still wanted to hold onto something.
We got along okay for about a week after that, until I went on a weekend girl's trip. I came back home, and it hit me that w still had problems. My emotions were crazy, and after trying hard to avoid him, one night I just couldn't anymore and started shouting. The next day I apologised for my behaviour, it was not acceptable. He said that this was the reason why we couldn't be together. But I said he cannot base his decision as to our actions now, because they aren't normal. After this day, it seemed like he was avoiding me, always out when I was home, trying to get home as late as possible to avoid seeing me.
I finally had the courage to talk more about the practical side of things - mortgage, car, etc. I wanted to move out because I could not afford to keep the place, or to stay there by myself. But I wanted to see what he thought about the mortgage, and how we were to do things. That was a week ago, and I'm now moving out on Sunday. We had our final talk this morning, and despite still bringing the past back up, it was quite a good conversation. We cleared the air on certain things, but realised that there were still issues. I asked him if this was definitely what he wanted. He said he can't live like this anymore, despite him telling me at the start that he couldn't see any issues with us co-habitating. It was more me who needed to move out. Now he was saying we couldn't live together anymore. I said to him, we can now either move forward together, now knowing we have been through something like this that can help us communicate and appreciate each other more. Or, we can make that turn without each other. If we do that, we may not have that opportunity to be at that point where we want to resolve and achieve things within the relationship.
Obviously, we both have confusing thoughts right now. We're both thinking that we might not find someone else who gives us that love we both had together, or that we deserve better elsewhere, or that he can never make me happy and I can never make him happy so we should definitely part ways. But the one difference I see is that he has his doubts, whereas being the optimistic person I am, I see hope, and I have belief.
Does him not having that faith anymore mean that he's given up? He says he can't make me happy, even though I believe he can. If he says that, then he doesn't believe that we can be happy together anymore... I would rather someone who believed and also had hope, than someone who didn't. To this, he said he used to, until the last issue we had. The turning point was me breaking up with him. When he realised he had no more energy.
What do you think?
its been good reading this since i have been dealing with the same, mine seems complicated since we have actually been broken up but we feel as if we have a future yet he is with someone else and I really dont know about where i am. I choose to wait on God to direct me. It has been an emotional journey for a long time coz i thought this was my soul mate!! when you lose that, a part of you dies and its hard for people to understand.
well you seem so attached to him. Even when you move on, you will find yourself looking back and trying to "fix something"....As i have been going through my own healing I find myself happy at certain times, confident and optimistic yet at times that heavy heart takes it all away and it takes me back two steps. Purpose to keep looking to the future and not too much into the past. Also realize that you present is passing by.
My most important element is praying. I believe in God, and i believe there is a peace that comes with letting go of situations you cannot contol and letting God be in control. Make a visualization board fo where u want to go in the future that way you will focus on building yourself. I ts so hard to let go of a part fo you but sometimes its only wise to look out for yourself so you can also live your life and be who you want to be and also so u can find true happiness from within. I am learning that.
Have quotes! read encouraging stuff and keep your mind focused on progressing! You want to move forward so that your life doesnt revolve around him. You will get hurt even more if you are still so attached to him and you find out he has moved on and is with someone else! I found myself there and it was hard seeing the one i love, loving someone else!
Learn to love yourself. Accept. Let go.Let God. Pray and seek guidance from above coz we humans can only control so much. Tell God what you want and he will give it to you...it may take time but he can do much more than you can imagine!! Pray for a good man and your future babies! Pray! It works! Pray and then have faith that GOOD THINGS WORK FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE!....This may be a desert phase but it may be Gods way of molding you for what is to come. You will be wiser, if you allow yourself to grow and learn. You will appreciate love when it comes knocking at your door. You will get beautiful children who will mean the world to you. You will know who you are and you will be in a situation to help others. So look at it as a "season' in your life! And then listen to Lee Ann Womanck everyday...I hope you dance!!......I hope you never lose you sense of wonder....even when love leaves you empty handed....just ALWAYS remember to dance!!! Dance! Dance! Dance!......and one day while you are dancing!! The right one for you, will come along and join u in the dancing!!
Also look at it this way...God is showing you something! You are trying to do it on your own and he is showing you that that is not where you need to be! So dont look within yourself for answers....Pray and you will see things working in ways you cannot imagine!.
And this i also tell to myself!!! It a journey!!! Be strong! Dont settle for less, your time will come and you will be glad you did not compromise!!
Hi, i need help. my boyfriend and i had been arguing and fighting about the most insignificant things. I told him that we should take a break or better yet to find someone better that can understand him, i regret saying that, and ofcourse i want him to be with me. I love him and i dont want to lose him, but im tired of fighting and im willing to change to make it better. Two days ago i talked to him and ask him for another opportunity, but he doesnt want to, he says that it would be better if we stay friends. He texts me and talks to me like nothing has happen, this is confusing me. I want to try again but im scared to ask him and dont want to get regeted. I dont know if he loves me enough to try again. please help, i really need help. btw, he is my first and according to him i am too. im scare to not find another person like him, he is amazing.
I am in the a similar state as emotionalchick in that I broke up with a woman I love and am still struggling with it after a month. I say I broke up but I did it because she had essentially abandoned the relationship despite a whole list of promises she'd made about how things would be fun and romantic again after she moved out. It didn't take any time at all for her to be completely unavailable and yet, when I said I was going on with my life and she knew where to find me when she could be serious, she attacked me as selfish and immature. So we broke up. I have not heard from her since. I have to admit that part of me is still holding on, hoping somehow for a miraculous reconciliation. But even if we got back together . . . I know there's just too much working against us. She's much younger than me and still has a lot of unrealized goals for one thing. In any case, I am working hard EVERY single day to move forward. I am spending a ton of time redeveloping myself and trying to be the best version of me yet. But there's no kidding anyone. It hurts every day still. There isn't a time I don't think about her, and there is at least one period in each day that I am alone with the hideous creature of emptiness that took her place. I have faith that things will be ok, that I will be ok, and that I will find the right love for me in time. But I am not masking my pain, and I am not avoiding the truth. It really hurts even if it's for the best. But I trust that the pain will subside if I work for better things.
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