Failed Marriages

1. 78

   donnatruposted 13 years ago

   If and individual has had three failed marriages wouldn't a fourth marriage seem insignifigant? How many times should people get married in a lifetime anyway? I think after a couple tries that is enough. I'm not judging anyone. Just curious about others opinions about this.

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   1. 63

      Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      A very famous actress (and also famous for her many marriages) said she kept getting married because she's not someone who wants to "just live with" the guy.   I don't know...     If people get married, lots of time they actually think it will last forever.   Whether a fourth (or whatever) marriage would be insignificant or not probably just depends on the two people, the situations in their backgrounds, etc. etc.
      
      According to statistics on a divorce site I researched for a Hub, second marriages are at higher risk of failing, and third marriages have - like - a 73% failure rate  I'm guessing that if someone isn't "marriage material" or "relationship material" the first time around, if they try second and third times they aren't particularly more "marriage material" or "relationship material" than they were to start out.      Maybe the real question is whether someone planning to get married yet again is someone who wasn't "relationship material" earlier, or whether it was his/her spouse who may not have been.
      
      Some people just don't want to say they've had more than a spouse or two.  My mother was widowed at 23 (no kids) during WWII.  Later she married my father, had her family, and was widowed young (early fifties).  She said she "ruled out even thinking about getting married again" because she didn't want "to be like Elizabeth Taylor"       I think a lot of people would draw the line at one or two.   

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   2. 61

      Julie Loganposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I think if someone is happy getting married for the fourth, fifth or sixth time, well... more power to them.
      
      However, I'm not going to shell out a lot of cash for an expensive gift or go out of my way to travel to one of these weddings. I have a cousin who just got married for the fifth time. I took time off from work, bought airline tickets and sprang for a nice gift for three of her weddings. I am done. She was angry that I didn't come to her latest wedding but I feel like she's being selfish. I can't afford to dedicate all of my travel budget to her because she likes getting married to someone new every other year.
      
      That sounds a little harsh but I'm still a little upset over the temper tantrum she threw when I told her I couldn't make it.

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      1. 69

         CarolineVABCposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I completely agree with you, Julie! Marriage is a "sacred ceremony" between two people and supposedly a commitment to each other for the rest of their lives, but when someone is getting married for the "fifth" time and expect to have a grand one every single time and all of their family and friends to support him/her, it's starting to sound like a joke, and the person should not expect a 100% participation from other people.  Probably a 'quick' marriage in Vegas might be more feasible for the fifth time???:-)

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         1. 63

            Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Maybe this isn't a good comparison, and a parallel can't really be drawn; but there's kind of a "boy-who-cried-wolf" element to it when someone is getting married YET again (past, maybe, the second marriage).      There's a point where (even if their fifth marriage is going to last forever) they really can't expect other people to take it all that seriously (or spend "big bucks" on it).      I know that may be "stinky" for them, but they really ought to understand...   

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            1. 69

               CarolineVABCposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Hello Lisa,
               
               You do have a valid point here.  It's probably true that, sometimes, it takes several marriages before we actually find a relationship that works and yes, family and friends ought to understand and should be supportive of their friend and loved one.  On the other hand, sometimes, people can't help to wonder if it is really actually going to work out the third, fourth or fifth time? Especially, if they happen to be all "grand" weddings and people need to take time off, buy presents and most of all when they are asked to be a part of it, which can add to another expense.  Most of the time, people don't have the time or the money to spend on these type of things.  I guess, what I was trying to say is that people tend to think twice before attending a third, fourth or fifth wedding for the same person with certain exceptions (widowers or betrothed to someone else by their parents' choosing).  Of course, everyone is entitled to their own happiness, no matter how long it takes! Hope this clarifies everything? Thank you for stating your opinion, which was held in high regards.  Take care and God bless!:-)

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            2. 69

               CarolineVABCposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Hello again Lisa!
               
               I should also add that, sometimes, people are forced into marriages for certain reasons such as "marriages out of wed luck" or people getting married at a young age and then realizing years later that they have rushed into things and were not ready for marriage at the time or sometimes, people get married for convenience-a "convenience marriage".  Under these circumstances, people might want out of marriage and get married the second time around and hopefully, to someone whom they will would consider staying with forever:-).  I actually have known and am related to some people who got married the second time around and have been happily married themselves and have made a family together.  I guess, sometimes, it takes more than one time to find a person's "real" happiness or at least a relationship that works for them:-).

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      2. 56

         not white trashposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         i think you are perfectly sane in not wanting to go to your cousins 3rd, 4th, 5th interstate wedding.  I think that it is horrid the way the wedding industry is run and people expect wedding presents and people to give their time money and holiday time.  That said I had an interstate wedding, because everywhere we went everyone was going to be put out, so we went somewhere out of the way for everyone so no one could complain and only those who truly loved and supported us came, and those that couldn't I am not worried nor offended they couldn't come, as I'm sure those I couldn't invite due to trying to keep down numbers and costs would not hold a grudge against me for not sending an invite......... If I was on my 3rd man, in under 10 years, I wouldn't expect any friends to even turn up, it would be a joke.

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      3. 60

         Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Julie, I agree with you. Your cousin throwing a temper tantrum when You didn't attend her fourth wedding doesn't sound good. This type of attitude could be one of the main reasons her previous marriages failed. From reading your post, it seems that she is angry when things doesn't go her way.

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   3. 69

      CarolineVABCposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Sometimes, we are not all that fortunate when it comes to choosing our life long partners.  There are certain cultures who betrothed their children to someone else (by their parents' choosing) at a young age, even at birth.  So, it might be possible that some people could end up in a "loveless" marriage the first time, and who would want to get out of it and marry again to find a more meaningful and loving relationship.  Having said that, getting married for third, fourth or fifth time, in a matter of three to four years, might be another issue.  Evidently, something is not working and some issues should be confronted before making another life-long commitment.  Hope this helps!:-)

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      1. 60

         Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Caroline, I agree. A person need to deal with major issues and not bring them into a new marriage.

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         1. 69

            CarolineVABCposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you for your support, Woman of Courage-it is greatly appreciated!:-)

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   4. 82

      TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      All I can say is, sometimes the third time's a charm!
      
      I was married as a teen--big mistake...nice guy, but I was not mature enough to realize that I really wasn't in love, just "in love with love", lol.  We were married for 2 years.
      
      Second time, I was 21, and enjoying life to its max.  Met my ex, who seemed to be enjoying life the same way.  Problem was(I found out later) that marriage didn't necessarily mean commitment or maturity to him.  After two kids and seven years, we got divorced.
      
      THEN...enter Tom...I was 29 and he was 33, and it was love at first sight.  We've been married for 22 1/2 years now, and it's been nothing but pure bliss, honestly.
      
      Sometimes you just have to kiss more frogs than you intend to, when looking for that prince! 

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   5. 60

      h.a.borcichposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      
      
        Speaking as a "married for the fourth time woman", I never doubted the significance of marriage. My 1st husband had several more children than I did while we were married. (He even ended up on the Jerry Springer show). My 2nd husband decided he was gay right about our 3rd annaversary. 3rd husband said "I do", but for ten years repeatedly committed "I don't". I am glad that I was able to heal and still believe in what marriage could be, for now I am happily married 5 years!
        Personally I believe people who are not honest about who they are - with themselves or their partner- are unable to live up to the committment. IMHO

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      1. 60

         Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         h.a.borcich, Congratulations! You deserve true happiness.

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      2. 0

         Brenda Durhamposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Sounds like you were put through h-ll through no fault of your own.  It takes commitment from both people to make a good marriage, and sadly we can't always foresee nor control what the other person does before or after they take those vows.
         I'm glad you're now happily married, and I wish you continued comfort and happiness! 

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   6. 87

      quotationsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      In my opinion, anyone who has this many failed marriages is either really bad at picking a spouse, or are themselves the cause of their marriage breakdowns. Anyone even considering a serial bride or groom like this should run in the opposite direction - no matter how good their intentions are, the marriage is almost certainly going to fail.

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2. 80

   Uninvited Writerposted 13 years ago

   I think that someone who gets married again and again is a hopeless romantic. They are still looking for their prince or princess.

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   1. 60

      Julie2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I agree!

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3. 0

   lynnechandlerposted 13 years ago

   I've done it four times and ended it four times. There are lots of reasons for a marriage to end and you can't sit on the fence of the grass is always greener and judge because you don't know what happened in those four walls to decimate the marriage.
   
   I did do a traditional ceremony with two of those after the first and the reason for that was because the men wanted them. I didn't care one way or the other. Again, extenuating circumstances and you can't judge.
   
   The one that I did by flying off, well driving didn't work either as he decided he didn't want to raise kids(mine) after a year and a half into the vows.
   
   It isn't necessarily about being marriage material or relationship material sometimes there are things going on that no one sees. There is a stigma attached to it though and while I would like to date and find someone to grow old with I don't see the point with so many out there having children who are still very young or who got caught cheating and are now out looking to "settle down" again.
   
   I got burned really bad the last time and what few dates and they have been very few, I have had do not leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. So, for now I choose to remain single and won't cross that proverbial threshold again. That could change but as I grow older and more set in my ways it would make it really hard to mix someone elses idiosyncrasies in with mine.
   
   So, don't judge unless you really know the story. Let them have their grand day if that is what they want and give them your blessings, you really don't know what they went through to get there.

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4. 62

   Daniel Carterposted 13 years ago

   People don't want to be lonely or live alone, in most cases. Some people just don't have it in them to live with one person for their entire life, and so they move on and look for someone else. Christianity frowns on this thinking strongly. However, there is a very distinct part of the population which verify that they are geared to multiple partners throughout their life, not just one.
   
   I have a good friend who was adopted by a very monogamous, loving couple who were very devout believers and who had 8 kids, 5 of which were adopted. My friend spent most of his life beating himself up because he was obviously the black sheep. But when he found out his birth father's history, and that he was very much geared the same as his biological father, even though they did not meet until in his late 30's, it explained the genetic tendencies he inherited.
   
   His life is not any less difficult, but at least he has some understanding about his nature, and he works with it to try to be an honorable man. He will never settle down with one partner, but he is an honorable man, just the same.
   
   The reasons for divorce are always two-sided, not one. Only hearing one side and believing that's all there was to it, is a mistake. At least that's what I've learned. I'm divorced twice. My exes have their stories and they are not kind or good. But there is my side, and at this point it no longer matters because the reasons no longer exist. It's all in the past.
   
   Whether or not I ever choose to marry again will not ever depend on what others may think, religious or otherwise. I will just do what I believe is best for me and those who are significant in my life. And I hope those who judge won't be too harsh.

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   1. 60

      SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      ....yor a good guy Daniel....marry me....i'll bring the hoover this time, i promise! 

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      1. 62

         Daniel Carterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         
         That's tempting, girl. But I don't think the Hoover would keep us together! But still, thanks!

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5. 78

   donnatruposted 13 years ago

   Thank you for your insights.  I asked for opionions on this topic of  failed marriages  so that maybe I wont judge myself as harsh.  I have tried marriage and failed three times. Poor judgement all 3 times. That's it!!enough is enough!
   
   Now at 51 yrs I look at myself and wonder who in the heck is this old girl! , I'm also set in my ways and, have come to realize I will be going through the golden years alone. I would enjoy a companion to date and spend time with but slim chance that will happen.
   
   Thank goodness for the kids and grandkids. They are the rock of my life!
   Thank goodness for hubpages. I have recently found a home here at hubpages where I feel comfortable with people!
   
   lynne I'm giving you a hubbers hug!
   
   Thank you again for the good comment.

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6. 0

   Home Girlposted 13 years ago

   I cannot understand one thing, what century we are living in?
   Who can possibly force people into marriage now? Why marry at all, especially if you failed it 2-3 times already? Live together for couple of years and then decide if you really need it(the relationship) legally bonded. It's so simple. People just complicate things themselves. If a man or a woman does not love you any more - no legal paper will hold you together anyway, only add some misery. Indeed, as somebody said already, it is just desperate search for perpetual romance and kisses under the Moon. Life together is more simple and more complicated at the same time, and needs a lot more at the same time than just flowers, gifts and nice words. It needs support, understanding, tolerance and forgiveness, because we all have our bad moments.

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   1. 0

      lynnechandlerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Why exactly do you consider it a fail? I don't. I look at it as steps in life to learn who I was. It made me the person I am. I did the live before marriage thing each time after the first and guess what we thought we were ready to take that next big step and guess what it ended the same way.
      
      In each incident both parties did something to cause the issue at hand. It wasn't that we failed, it was more about things changing in my case at least.
      
      I personally see nothing wrong with anyone wanting the love and kisses under the moon no matter how many times they have been married. We all want to feel loved, needed, and have an everlasting place to rest at the end of the day with a partner who feels the same way. I love romance and all that goes with it including the flowers, candy and kisses under the moon. Who wouldn't want to feel that in their relationship? Yes, you have to take the good with the bad but for it to work both of you have to be on the same page. You can't have one trying to climb the corporate ladder and the other left behind to look after the kids. You can't have one dedicated to home and family and the other looking at every hot thing male or female that walks by and wishing how they were single.
      
      In my particular state, it is not easy to get out of a marriage. We believe it is for the long haul here and they make you take counseling for six months to try and work it out. If after that period of time things haven't righted themselves, you may proceed with the divorce.
      
      The institution of marriage is a very special thing no matter if you have done it once or a thousand times. Something made you decide that it was right this time. Something else could end that in a blink of an eye.
      
      I didn't grow up in a broken home. It wasn't what I knew from my friends families. I never intended to break the homes I made, but you know what it happened and I grew and I learned. Like I said, I remain single by choice now. Do I like it? H*** no! I would love someone to snug up with at night, to dote on with little words of love and kisses and maybe someday like I said it will happen for me again, but until then I remain content to keep learning about myself and loving myself.

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      1. 60

         Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Beautiful post!

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7. 69

   CarolineVABCposted 13 years ago

   Thank you, Woman of Courage, for your support.  God bless!:-)

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8. 61

   BabaBooeyposted 13 years ago

   Hey Divorce is the new Marriage

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9. 60

   Disturbiaposted 13 years ago

   I just divorced my 5th husband. For five years I worked as hard as I could to keep this sinking ship afloat, but I'm ridin' solo now and I'm just as happy as I can be. I've served my time and I no longer feel that I want to compromise or put myself and my needs on the back burner. I say, get married as often as you want to, but go into it with both eyes open and know when the time has come to let go.

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10. 60

    Lovesloveposted 13 years ago

    My first marriage ended in divorce after 7 years and 1 day..( the seven year itch ) My present marriage has lasted almost 35 years..I am in my 60's now so even if this one does ever end I doubt I will get a chance for another stab at the marriage game !!

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11. 77

    brimancandyposted 13 years ago

    Well, if it was legal for gays to get married, the divorce rate among them would be staggering. Which is why I am surprised that it is not made legal. Just let them know how much the lawyers would get in gay divorce settlements, and I'm sure they will lobby for change! One reason why I would never get married! At any rate, my current partner and I have been together for over 20 years. (But, if I thought I could divorce him I would! LOL!)
    
    I have two cousins that had really bad marriages. One of them had his wife leave with another man without a word, and they divorced later. The other married a gold digger, who does nothing but marry men, have one or two children, and divorce for alimony and child support. She has 8 kids from 6 exhusbands, and gets well over $5,000 dollars a month in court ordered support. once the kids are old enough for the support to end, she dumps them on their father's laps without so much as a thankyou, or a goodbye. Total Bitch.
    
    I do feel sorry for those people who marry for love, only to have to not work out. I met this very handsome sweet man who married a girl, only to find out that she was banging the best man at his wedding the night before they got married. The girl was a total slut. He knew it, but he married her anyways. I think their marriage lasted only a couple months, as she was sleeping around with pretty much everyone he knew. The only reason she married him, was because he was the only one that had a decent job. I felt really bad, because he really loved her.
    
    If I thought I had a chance with him, I would have married him.

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12. 51

    firstworldviews16posted 7 years ago

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