when you are a man caught in this situation.....
When I have talked to a very select circle of friends... If I bring this up to 6 women 5 out of six will say "what did you do"...most guys dont have a response at all.
Let me first say, I did not cheat, no children on the side, and out of respect for my wife, I do not even let my female friends call my house. I have seen this cause trouble for many other couples.
But my wife feels it perfectly fine for her "good friend" to call then get up and walk into another room and giggle and coo .
I do love my wife but I do know in my heart that this guy is just and opportunist..and I have been warned by several of her friends about him. Some people may read this and say waaaaaah poor me.
But thats not the case. I have been married 30 years and I adored her, and I do still love her. But at this point in my life I dont know what to do.... Should I make her jealous, I have talked and talked to her about how I feel. I take good care of myself and my son and I who is 27 get mistaken as brothers all the time.
What am I doing wrong
You are not doing anything wrong. Sometimes couples fall out of love with each other or one person does. It just takes time to rekindle. Maybe even therapy. Other times you just have to go your separate ways. I hope she does realize that she does need to be taking the others advice when it comes to that guy friend of hers.
I have male friends that call me on my cell phone and I speak to them right in front of my husband as he does with his female friends. There are times that I have to ask him to go to another room because he gets so into the conversation his volume level goes up to 7 and I can't hear the television.
Just take it easy and try not to put to much thought into it. Our mind does like to play tricks on us too.
Thanks for the insight... I really do appreciate it. And I did do the therapy. I could not get her to go with me or on her own as she said
"I dont see a problem" . I know better than that and have always been able to see whats coming, even with other couples. My dad is a train wreck when it comes to women. He thinks he is Gods gift to women. Married 3x... and firmly believes that even though he is married he needs "special" friends. I thought she may have seen me to be like him, but if after 30 years i still only want her....I dont know what to say. We went to a gathering of old friends a while back, there was 21 women there.....19 had been married, none remained married. They kept asking her "aren't you tired of him" . Some people say its being **ssy whipped but its not, its all the things I see men NOT do....hold hands, walk, talk, have goals, work together as one..... unfortunately for me every year that goes by she finds me less and less interesting or attractive in some way.... but Julie2 I will be patient and see what happens
Personally,if it were me, I would have a man to jerk talk with the guy.
I would ask him why he feels he needs to try to make his way with the Mrs.
I may even remind him just how many people in this world who really are not afraid of doing life in prison.
But again, this is just how I would handle this situation. Only had to ever deal with that situation once in my 30 years of marriage--and nobody ever tried again after the way his face looked the next day. Not proud of that, but it did work.
Froggy... I actually did this about 11 years ago...I went to his place of work and waited...cornered him without making a scene, but making my point extremely clear and even asked him if he knew what harm he was causing in my marriage... dont get me wrong I do not want my wife not to have her friends male or female but we all know "the guy" who will smile in your face and **ck behind your back. But for me this guy is so smooth...what he did after that was tell his other concubines that I had some nerve saying such a thing to him.
It had the exact opposite results of what i wanted....word eventually got back to my wife, and she was pissed at me for days. She does not see what I see, even my father inlaw who is in his 80s said to me. "watch that man, I dont trust him at all".
But on a lighter side...being in my early 50s and comfortably retired, I dont think prison would be a fun option.
So this has happened before with her? Hmm... looks like there could be a pattern. Focus on the things you love about your wife and share them with her, and focus on what the perfect partner for you would be and then follow your intuition or instinct.
Well its been a while since all this has been going on...and I had really reached the point that I was just fed up...tired..and I am not 20yrs old and really not in the mood to play games like this after so many years. And after copy and pasting txt messages he sent and she sent to each other and forwarding them to his wife...
I had met with his wife that he has only been married to for about 2 yrs. I told her that is was not out of spite but rather as information into what she "really" has on her hands.
His wife and I agreed to set up a dinner in a very nice restaurant in the city. We would both be armed with the txt messages and phone conversations (sure, it wasn't right) but when you are going to do this...you have to cover all the bases.
So with that..dinner was on ,they were there first, then we arrived.
At first they thought is was a coincidence that they were there.
Ordered some drinks an appetizers. She said to her husband "do you know why we are here"? Smugly he replied "to eat" And like a scene from "To Catch A Predator" She tossed the transcripts on the table.....SILENCE......
My wife looked at me almost ready to curse me out, when his wife tossed another to her and said "save the drama please".
I belted down a shot of Patron and waited. My wife began to cry.
And I had to ask...after all these years...why. 30+ years
As for him I dont think I have heard the word sorry SO many times.
Now I cannot control what happens in the future, but there is a new respect and a feeling of admiration from my wife, will it last ? who knows. But the evening has become legendary as word must have gotten around. And as far as his arrogant and disrespectful attitude.... GONE.
We will see where this goes. But what I will say is if you suspect something, do your homework, and do not be afraid to be nosy. We all have a limit, and I had reached mine.
@ Froggy...LOL. But seriously, that doesn't work with everyone. And I have a feeling in this case, even if successful, the Mrs. will take big offense to that move.
I think this situation needs a 'direct hit'. It's one thing if the activity was mutual, but the man is doing his best to keep waters calm and the Mrs. just isn't returning the favor. Also she's taking her huz for granted. Time for a talk.
Once, women want it as much as men do. H
It seems you are doing nothing wrong but there's only one side of the story here so its hard to judge. What I can say is that once the disrespect of infidelity enters your domain, it's hard to recover. You find yourself feeling feelings other than love. Making her jealous is not the way to go, it may back fire. There are going to be numerous factors you'll have to consider and since talking is not working then she may be too far gone., which would be the deciding factor whether you can or can not save the relationship. Good luck!
I know you are right...many of my male friends wanted me to go the "make her jealous route" But I have seen that fail for others in a BIG way. I cannot turn back time, and go back to the way things were. I worked very hard for many years to get to this comfort zone. Now that I have arrived I get a nasty curve ball thrown to me. If I were younger I probably would not be able to handle this. But my kids are grown and my time is my own. To be honest with you, once she got into Facebook I said to her "you know this will kill our relation"
She told me I always see people in a negative light...which is not true at all, I just see people for who they are. As a man I know what my potential is both good ones and the not so good ones. I have probably made her friends life a little uncomfortable these days as his carelessness left me an opportunity to enlighten his wife. I sent her a copy of his pvt messages that were quite detailed. He is not having the "time of his life right now"
Thanks for the well wishes :-)
do exactly as she do so you'll can be equal in conduct.
She may have the right to live her life the way she wants, but that would include for her to accept the consequence of her actions. And if she's having an emotional or sexual fling with another person, you don't have to accept that. And that is one of the consequences for her actions. Additionally, if she is not satisfied in her marriage to you, that is probably a discussion that needs to happen.
Part of the consequence of your actions may be that you have in some ways neglected your relationship with her, and she is looking elsewhere. It's hard to say based on such little info.
I hope things work out for you.
True, there is not a lot of info to work with here, but for me this is something that has been an on again off again thing... but was one of those things that had originated when I was 19 or 20 and though we were dating..we were not married. One incident and it was not one of infidelity. But if i sit and talk and express my dismay it always comes back to that day in 1979 ....Goodness sakes. But I have come to the realization that I cannot change her or anybody..I can only change me. I if things work out and get better, would be a happy man...if not then I guess I will pack my things and be on my way.
At this point any change would be an improvement.
Wow, didn't realize the situation was @ that point. Well, if you're ready to 'hit the road' then the Conversation That Needs To Happen shouldn't be as hard, and--better still--it should be easier for you to be honest.
Once, You did mention her, and later say you are a man. No offense, I can only interview women. 1979 was a long time ago, we've all loved and lost. You have to move on. H
No offense taken...I know this is an on going thing for me, but Like many good things it takes a long time to get it right, same applies here in reverse unfortunately. These things did not happen over night and certain things were virtually unnoticeable. I just became more aware of things. But trust me when I say this....she is a keeper or at least worth the effort to try, I do believe we both became complacent and to a lot for granted. The thought of me starting over....I dread that, I would probably just by a place in Aruba and play my guitar. We have work to do, and she agrees with me...and that is a start for me.
once, There are so many women out there you can fall in love with, let it happen. I almost ....... a guy when my girl left me. I found another girl to love in 6 months, then another, and another and so on. H
Had a long talk last night....went over what I knew. what I learned...the pvt. facebook messages...the little notes... I took it all first to his house, to his wife and showed her that her man is not the man she thinks... I dedicated my life to my wife and children and if I screwed up then I can face what was coming. But the nonsense that I went through was awful. Not physically abusive or verbal. ... but mentally is sucked. And all along her girlfriends protected her and covered her tracks.
I sat at the other guys house, let her hear audio from some time ago, the little "i luv u" messages from her phone to his and the replies from him..
The vacation hideaway he has that his wife knows nothing about.
We are all professionals in our fields, but mine required the ability to dig deep into person when necessary. And this is only the tip of what I found out. His wife sat and stared at me for what seemed like an eternity...and she cried and asked me why was I doing this. It really hurt me inside but I had had enough and it was a long time coming. So when my wife came home she was PISSED, and I calmly said you do not have the right.
And being that my kids are grown I called them down to come sit with us and said ....your mother has something she wants to share with us. I will explain more later, I have to take my dad to the Dr.
I have no tolerance for cheating.
My first reaction is to end the relationship. I'm sure there are other concerns, such as children, house, dog.
Do what you feel is right for you and your kids.
I agree with you...and it put me as a man in a strange place as so much is show to us as "all men are dogs" and that no matter what "all men cheat"
which is just not true. When I was only 5 I knew my dad was up to no good, though I did not know what sex and intimacy was...I knew that what he was doing was hurting my mother, and I cant tell you how many times my brother and sister were taken out....as a "day out with dad" . My mother would be so happy to see him taking us out, But what she did not know was that we were always dropped off at some baby sitters house and he would take off with some other woman. I was 5 and when I told her, she did not want to believe me (what does a child know).
But after all those years she now says to me"i wish I had listened to you sooner" My brother and sister to this day blame my mother for what happened to her marriage, which was absolutely done in by my dad.
I vowed never to be like him, and I am not . But it always feels so strange to hear people say "what did you do".
When what I did was to do what is right and be a real husband and dad.
To have witnessed this in your childhood...then become victim to it by the woman you love. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this!
Betrayal is betrayal...and both men and women are, unfortunately, capable of doing it. I've never understood cheating. If you don't want someone, don't be with them. If you can't commit to one person...don't! It seems so simple! But there are selfish people out there...too many...and they don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.
I know people say a marriage can survive this...but what are you going to do?
How is your relationship with your dad?
The relation with my dad is one that is odd to say the least...I do love him. But the more I look the more I find that 90% of everything he says is a lie. And it was not until recent that I discovered just how deep it is. He completely lies about what he did for a living. He describes his life and achievements to his friends...never thinking I would ever have a conversation with any of them ever. And I was amazed that everybody thinks "it so wonderful to have a father and son both retire from the same profession. And I had to stop and ask what were they talking about. On different occasions they described various dangerous conditions and situations the "he" had to take care of and I realized that he was telling people about things I had done but he put himself in where I should have been. Every women he meets he lies to them. He definitely believes that he is entitled to as many women as he wants.
When I told him I ran into a friend of his and she asked me a few questions about what had done in the past ..... he blew up. But That does not phase me at all. Its amazing to watch the damage control he tried to render.
But all in all he just lies.
it kind of made me think of the words to a song by a band Depeche Mode called "Wrong"
I do not know why my brother ans sister cant even see him as he really is.
My list could go on and on as to the tings he claims to have done but never did
Baseball game, come to a school play, bike ride, fly a kite, circus, beach, catch, ....if we were going out with him ....we were used as cover so he could meet up with someone....
amazing what you can remember
I'm a professional counselor. I’ve worked with and helped transform 100’s of relationships. I’d say you are likely in a strong position to strengthen your marriage by transforming the current problem with marital boundaries and mutual needs-meeting, through a short, evidence-based counselling intervention, or related self help quest.
Your situation is not unusual nor are your questions. Making your wife jealous may intensify those behaviors on her part that are the source of your feeling hurt, which in turn can intensify your negative reactions. This is called a coercive-communication cycle. Science shows that these reliably predict divorce. It would be far more useful for you to both start learning about how a healthy marriage depends on effective communication around core-relationship needs. Please see my article and feel free to ask for further information or advice once you have.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a devastating experience. Here's what punctuated the end of my last relationship. She sent me a picture of herself in the mirror but forgot to take something very important off her left hand finger. I put myself in the picture as a point of reference.
My wife and I have been argueing alot lately and going out on friday night and getting home at 3 30 in the morning and says the guys she hangs with are gay. And noticed the last half year that when I worked on the road for a month at a time she was excercising and waxing her eyebrows, but when I would get home nothing. And she acts like sex is a chore and not intimate. And acts withdrawn and don't think I've heard her say I love you first in a long time. And recently started locking her phone. I'm at a loss of what to do cause we have three children and I still love her. And our state bends men over a barrel for child support. And it's more like we're are roommates than spouses. I don't want to leave, but can't stay because of building resentment and I don't want to say something to hurt or regret.
I can understand the growing resentment. It does hurt especially if you have put so much into a relation. Like others here who have helped me I would say you need to exercise patience and avoid the confrontations. You need to be honest and listen. Dont just voice your feelings....hear what it is she wants or needs. Being away on the road is not easy for the one at home. Unfortunately there are guys out there who target women in that situation. Set time aside for both of you...not for intimacy but for reconnection.
Think of something or some place you use to do. Go there you set the tone. Dont attack her mentally, or make accusations that you cannot back up or justify. If she did not want to be with you...she would have left already. Dont become obsessive in your thoughts or deeds. Be yourself and if you can put yourself in her shoes and think about things for a moment from her point of view.
Good luck, hope things go well
I think she's being disrespectful of you. How can anyone act like that and NOT know it bothers their spouse? Actually, it's just wrong. How would she like it if you did that to her..and YES, it's probably TEMPTING to find out..who could blame you (want me to call? No, just kidding)!!! Anyway, what you need to do is TALK to her about how bad it makes you feel, and ask her if she'd want you to do that to her. Throw it back to her. Say you find it disrespectful. Then...if she STILL continues to do it...you may have a problem which I, as a non therapist, would not know how to handle~ but hopefully, talking to her honestly will solve your problem..good luck!
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