Perhaps more than just forgiving the person, would you still think of continuing with the relationship?
Yes, I would forgive her, since God forgave me for my transgressions, but I would not stay married to her since the trust would be gone!
Only if I got the same privilege. Then I'd call us even.
I never experienced it but I think I can forgive but will never forget, so it will always come up in conversations
True. When kids get involved, separating is always difficult. you have to think the impact that put on kids minds. in Asian Reagen, lot of woman will forgive there husbands because of kids. but in western countries always it's not the same. well that's my opinion..!
you need to forgive,but perhaps not forget...it's an individual call,
forgiving is for the victim;move on and try to heal
absolutely not. i have been in that situation before, and it ate away at me more and more everyday, knowing that he had slept with somebody else and when i had the oppurtunity to cheat, instead of me saying, "this is wrong." the only thing my mind said was, "well he did it to me." cheating on somebody is wrong and in my opinion it is a deal breaker.
only if she would forgive me for cutting her partner's body in little pieces and feeding him to neighborhood stray cats
Forgive, yes. But also the smarter for it. Walking away is always an option, if lessons aren't learned and agreements are broken. However, it's smarter to work out the reasons why it happened and see what agreements can be made as a result.
.... and THEN cut up her partner's body into little pieces and feed him to neighborhood stray cats?
Daniel, how can you forgive something as grave as this? You can talk and rationalize but it boils down to betrayal.
It would really depend on all the factors. All that was going on in our life, how they did it, why they did it, were they remorseful, did they tell me about it or did I find out?
It would be easy for to say no, and it quite possibly could be no, but I would take certain things into consideration.
At any point I realize that I would never be totally happy with that person then the answer would then automatically become no.
What's the point of asking how they did it dosborne08? Unless of course you're into that kinky stuff. No offense meant.
True, it would be hard to have the same relationship as before if you knew your partner cheated. So don't get caught! ha ha ha I mean don't cheat in the first place.
Forgive and don't forget. You don't have to hold on to that pain, it has no value. If you truly can forgive, you can rebuild trust, too. Lots of ppl cannot forgive completely, it tears at them and they always wonder if their spouse is doing it again. It's hard.
Are they in love with the person? Or, was it a fling? A drunken escapade... there can be all kinds of reasons for the cheat. Fixing the problem needs attention, but sometimes a guy is just drunk and stupid.
I am sure this is always a tough question to ask oneself if put in such a predicament. My initial instinct is to say "no, I definitely will not", but life does not afford us such simplistic decisions. If I was definitely in love, and truthfully felt to myself that there will not be a re-occurence after everything is ironed out (I bet the ironing out will be a tedious process), I will consider forgiving my partner and giving the relationship another try.
The sad thing about situations like these is that life goes on, but the scars never really go away.
I saw the film Valentines Day yesterday. Here, an old couple learned that their relationship was not perfect. The lady has an affair many many years back. Of course it devastated her husband when she finally confessed about it decades after it happened. But eventually they got back. I guess that's love. Or is it just a fairy tale story?
If my partner came clean, perhaps I'd consider. But If I learned about it in some other way, that will be different.
You're right, life goes on - but it's either with that person or without.
I always KNEW my answer to that question would be "No", but when I found myself actually in the situation I was willing to forgive and try to work through the situation to save the relationship. I even convinced myself that maybe it was my fault (not!) that he had the affair! In the end, our marriage didn't last and I did survive and move on.
I'm sorry that you had to experience this. Also, congratulations for moving on. What made you decide to call it quits?
First off, he didn't end the affair. Once I found out, he denied it, but kept seeing the (younger) woman anyway. Still, I spent the next eighteen months trying to 'win' him totally back. We had two small children and had been together for ten years - it seemed worth the effort. Then, one night, I saw him call his children liars (when they were not) in front of his mother to cover up for his own lies and I finally saw he was so not worth it. He actually did me a big favor in dumping me as I went on to a much more fulfilling life and eventually a much better relationship. I only wish I had known things were going to get better when I was going through the rough parts.
I admire and strength. I believe in marriage but if the relationship is no longer healthy for the couple and for the children then it's time to call it quits. I'm not an expert on this but I think you did the right thing. Thanks for sharing.
I'd like to invite you to share how you dealt with the separation in another forum I posted. It's how to cope with separation. I hope you can share your experiences and give your advice. Here's the link:
No never, Once a cheater always a cheater, if he finds it necessary to cheat on me then it wasn't much of a relationship to start with. I once had an uncle who confessed to me that he cheated on his wife and she forgave him. I felt bad for her and I could see a change in their relationship. They stayed together and have been married a forty plus years now but they still don't seem connected anymore like they used to.
Many relationships are like that. Some are even physically abused but still return to their husbands. it's sad to know that there are people who are blinded by their notion of love. I'm not being too cynical but if the person cheats on you or abuses you, that's not love at all.
..tough question...i guess it depends on the circumstances....cheating usually isn't the source of the problem - a symptom of other problems.....
...however....i'd wanna rip someone to pieces for lighting the dynamite
Hi there somewayouttahere, people need to resolve their issues first before moving on to another relationship. Why can't people just talk about things first, try to resolve problems. If they can't, just break up and move on.
Many people seem to use sex as a pick-me-up-I'm-really-sad-and-confused remedy.
I would not, I'm sure. I never have forgiven cheating before. I've never cheated personally.
However, if it were to benefit the children in the family, and there were special circumstances, perhaps I would adjust my thinking.
I would have to say I would leave. Once that trust is broke it's very hard to get it back. I don't want to stay in a relationship and always have to quetion myself where the person is at and who there with. That's not away a relationship should have to work. I also feel if a person cheats then that's not love and I wouldn't want to waste my years on a person that doesn't love me.
No I wouldn't forgive my spouse if he cheated on me because The trust & loyalty would be broken!!
Why did they cheat in the first place?
Were they ready, (committed,) to be with only the one partner for the rest of their life when you both got together, but over time something sexual/attention was lacking from you, encouraging them to cheat?
Personally I WOULD forgive a partner for cheating on me, I would then even let go of all the blame anger & hate from them & the hurt of myself thus encouraging/freeing me to move onto something much much better by learning from my mistakes & improving my relationship quality game.
I personally would not stay with this person & all of those that say once a cheater always a cheater I totally disagree because one way of the other, it always takes two & there is always a cause & affect & once you except that, you will only grow!
It would depend on quite a few things actually.
Firstly what you consider cheating. For some people it could be a mere phone call, giving out your phone number or kissing someone else. For others that may all mean nothing and only sleeping with someone else is considered cheating.
Secondly it depends on how long you've been in the relationship.
If it's less then a month then the person who cheats might have not realized how serious the relationship actually was (some people actually feel this way), may not have been ready for a monogamous relationship or may have not even known that they were meant to be in a one person only relationship.
Thirdly t depends on the circumstances. Where they drunk? Did you have a fight? Was it an ongoing affair or a one time event? All of these are things that could lead towards you making a decision. All of these are stuff I would base my decision on.
stupid questions to making us emotional never thought wrong
It depends on how much I liked them and if it was worth forgiving. In principle, no. Its more fun to let them go.
You ask a really good question here and I am actually surprised at how many people contradict themselves.
They say they forgive but are unwilling or unable to forget. This is not forgiveness.
If you forgive then you forgive it is unconditional like love.
I believe the choice is a personal one and there is no right or wrong. But if you choose to forgive then don't sabotage your decision by only going half way.
Obviously I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in forgiveness then, because I don't think I could ever do the "forget" part in a situation like this. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's criminally stupid to forget in this kind of situation.
I think you can both agree to move on, certainly, and try not to bring the subject up again... unless the person cheats a second time, in which case it's time to reassess the relationship completely.
The saying "fooled me once shame on you, fooled me twice shame on me" has a lot of relevance to relationships IMO, whether marriages, business relationships or friendships.
It is your life and I give you permission to live it as you see fit with or without forgiveness!
BTW what's with the strange comment in your profile? Why do you imagine that loads of males and females would be beating your door down to enter into a relationship with you after reading your profile. I myself share your interest in Maths and I will certainly be reading your hubs but I can't say i fell into a love trance after reading your profile.
Don't you get "relationship spam" then? Random emails written by people of both sexes with English as a second or even third language, saying that they read your profile on HubPages and want to get to know you better? Mind you though, the amount of RS I'm getting has gone down quite a bit, in line with the drop in my traffic. Every cloud has a silver lining I suppose
Forgive? Maybe after a little while. Continue in the relationship? Absolutely not. If someone cheats in the relationship, then they don't care about the relationship. And why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you or the relationship? It also shows a big lack of respect for themselves, for you and for the one they are having the affair with. It shows poor judgment and poor character. Which are all things that should stay OUT of a relationship!
I agree @ Rage For Love, Once that happens the betrayed person is not going to forget either, I know that it would be forever tainted, I would never have a relaxed heart with that person, and always wonder what if I had met someone else that would not have done that?
No I would not stay around for the ride of being 1/2 in it - I would be too curious to know someone who would not want to screw things up.
It would really depend on the circumstances and if they could convince me that they were truly sorry for what they did. If I honestly felt it was an accident like maybe she was drunk or something, or if she was just deeply sorry about it, then I probably would over look it eventually. Granted, not at first, as I probably would need some time alone to process it in my head before confronting her again, but in time I would.
However, if I didn't think she was sorry, then I'd just leave. Cut off all contact from her, and never speak to her again. If she asked me why, I would just tell her that what she did was inexcusable, and to never talk to me again. Although I might seem like a nice guy, I do hold grudges against certain people that hurt me, and I certainly never forget either. Granted, I'm not saying that I'm a vengeful person, as I would never condone such things like that. However, I do try to remember everything that someone does to piss me off, so I know who my enemies are. I guess in that sense me and my father are the same. You can either be a friend or an enemy to us, but you can't be in between or both. In other words, you don't pick and choose when you want to be my friend or enemy. You have to be one or the other all the damn time, or leave me the hell alone. It's your choice. Just saying.
Forgive? yeah of course. I wouldn't be able to move on if I will not forgive him. But to forget what he did? That is stupdty...I can't....sorry..
After saying your vows, for better or for worse... and actually meaning them... It really leaves you no choice but to work through the situation, and get your relationship out of that dirty funk of "worse". Relationships need to be worked at. There will be good times and there will be bad times. However, if this situation occurs before marriage..... Wipe your hands clean because people hardly ever change in the right direction!
Cheaters don't have the respect for themselves or their loved ones. My husband is a cheater and that is why we haven't lived together since 2008. Neither one of us has filed for divorce probably never will, will I ever take him back HELL NO. I have more respect for myself to live with a cheater.I never plan on getting married again I am in a wonderful relationship with the love of my life. Neither one of us want a piece of paper to dictate how we live and love.
No. I have two strict rules. You don't cheat on me or hit me. I give no reason for either to happen. I've been married to the same man for three decades and he has never broken either one.
I would not and I do not think it is fair to do so as well. I might be able to tolerate anything else, but cheating is something I will never tolerate. Having said this, I think a lot of decisions depend on the situation also, It misht be one thing to say or feel this now, but maybe when it actually happens my stand could be different.
this is such a difficult question for me to answer. I truly feel this is one of those things I really can't know my reaction, unless and until it happened. I will say though, that for me, there would be so many things to consider before coming to terms with an infidelity....and ultimately forgiving. It's too complex for me to speculate in advance.
Honestly, I have before and it was the worst decision I ever made. Forgiving is part letting them know that it was ok to do what they did to you. And it is absolutley not. It may be heartbreaking, but to forgive and stay in the relationship will lead to even more heartbreak. Even if they are truly sorry, the trust is gone. Everytime they answer the phone, or they are late getting home, or they seem like something is wrong, you will immediatley get suspicious. It is not healthy for a relationship. I learned my lesson the hard way, and when it happened yet again with another boyfriend, I grew balls and did not forgive and go back. It was hard but I do not regret it.
I'd give him the boot and move on. Life is to short and I have living to do, don't have time for head games...
This is really a difficult question to answer. I think cheating goes to the very core of a relationship or marriage. It is a betrayal of trust and respect, and sometimes that betrayal cuts such a deep wound and it is so painful that it makes it difficult to forgive. There are so many reasons why a person cheats in a relationship or marriage. Sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with the person they are in the relationship with. Cheaters, unless they understand why they are cheating, usually do it again. Once a cheater, always a cheater; however, we are all wired differently so, and I know this is going to sound like a cop-out, but it depends on the situation, the circumstances and all the people involved. So, if someone cheated on me, I might forgive him and then I might not be able to. I'd have to give it a lot of thought, and weight all the pros and cons of the relationship or marriage. If I did forgive and went on with him, if it ever happened a second time, that would be the end. I'm not the cheating type; in fact, I'm loyal almost to a fault. So, I have never cheated in a relationship or in a marriage. I will say, when I am involved with a man, I have to love him pretty deeply to be with him anyway, and I respect and trust him. I'm not the type of person to be married just for the sake of being married, or married for economic reasons. There has to be a deep and binding love, trust, respect and intimacy or it just doesn't work for me.
It's true, the majority of offended partners don't forgive the offending partner. Sexual cheating has actually doubled since the 1970s despite a major increase in conservative pro-marriage/anti-infidelity values.
The reason why so many are cheating emotionally and sexually is because they don't know the risks or even the real definition of emotional affairs, which are the rocket track to sexual transgressions.
I call it being slipped or taking the "Affair Pill" without even knowing it.
For example, there's no such thing as harmless flirting - its a direct contradiction in terms, in real life and online.
The truth is though, and the couples-therapy research proves it, a sexual or emotional affair can be an ultimate relationship strengthener if properly managed.
This means learning and practicing basic relationship maintenance skills and learning about how long term healthy relationships really work, - protective boundaries and all.
Problem is, people get so hurt they don't believe they can recover from the emotional injury. They also don't know how to initiate the healing and relationship building processes.
If both partners are willing and committed to doing the relationship work and to suspend any assumptions about possible outcomes, just about any couple can get over an affair and grow stronger learning from it together.
ThunderKeys.......Your comment SOUNDS good in THEORY, and I may even tend to agree with some of your points. However, having counseled nearly 75 couples (over 50% of these having infidelity issues) I'm sorry to say, the "offended" party RARELY will accept any hint of working on the relationship that they insist was damaged by their spouse. In other words, from the devastated party it is: YOU DID THE HARM...NOW YOU FIX IT, MAKE IT UP TO ME, UNDERSTAND i WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN, I CAN NEVER FEEL THE SAME AGAIN AND I MAY LEAVE YOU AT ANY GIVEN TIME, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER. So, you see, efforts at recovery are weak or non-existent.......healing very seldom occurs. Counseling sessions become merely places to vent, express anger and bitterness and beat on the offending party.......Counsellors find themselves repairing egos, redirecting, offering temporary solutions and ultimately assisting in discussions of seperation or divorce. One couple in 50 can MAYBE go further and really make an effort.......In follow up scenarios, not once have I witnessed this STRENGTHEN a marriage. ....unless you want to consider that the wounded partner will, from that point, always have MORE POWER. You may find this sad or diappointing, but it is the reality and my collegues do agree.
Hi fpherh48 - Great response! Thank you for reading my post. I agree with you. I've done thousands of hours of relationship work with individuals, couples and families as well.
I did start my post by saying most partner's don't forgive and ended by saying this was most often because they didn't know how to or that there was a clearly mapped out process for doing so.
There is an established, vibrant and daily expanding "evidence-base" in couple counseling that skillfully and purposefully bi-passes the criticism-defense-emotional-detachment process.
It does this effectively in 90% of cases, by focusing and refocusing distressed couples on their "attachment injuries"; and, on the healing of these injuries via facilitated "bonding events".
It's kind of like precision emotional welding. A properly welded structure is very often much stronger than the intact original.
There are also spiritually-based counseling approaches that get incredible results.
Emotion-Focused-Therapy for couples is probably the best example of the kind of evidence-based counseling framework I was thinking about in my first post here.
http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option= … ;Itemid=80
This is all very interesting to me. I've been "away" from the office for a decade.........(but unfortunately still get cornered for the FREE stuff) lol. You've got me thinking about researching "evidence-base." We could all use some EMOTIONAL WELDING for one reason or another.....let's be honest! Look at me.......back at work!! What have you done?? (kidding)
I really like the "evidence-based practice" research. That way you can see what strong research says actually works. Then there's no need to buy into any sporty popular "theories".
Thunderkeys.....It's been a few days since we last exchanged comments....and I took some time to scan through more and more comments. If you have done this same thing, you obviously are reading what I'm reading. It appears ...QUITE clearly and loudly that the VAST majority of (at least) Hubbers are emphatic that FORGIVENESS for "cheating" is NOT an option. Realistically? One would accept a fact that 9 out of 10 couples do not survive infidelity. I would go further to add my opinion that the ONE couple that emerges the other side?......have a "hidden agenda" and/or undiclosed motive.....OTHER than the mere desire to keep the union in tact.........I'd like to delve into this "research" on evidence-based practice that suggests that something exists that ACTUALLY WORKS. It's been interesting! Peace
One time I had a partner that cheated on me. My dad said, "Once a cheat, always a cheat." It made me mad at the time because I didn't want to face reality, but I think it is true now that I'm older. One a person has decided to cross a boundary, it's easier to cross it the next time too unless they really want to change. I would forgive the person, but I don't think I would stay in the marriage nor forget my lessons.
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