If one doesn't expect anything, doesn't that guarantee that one will never be disappointed? And when something great happens, it feels like a bonus. Why can't more people approach dating/relationships w/o all the hassles of expectations?
I agree... to a point.
Expecting nothing whatsoever, however, will likely lead to fulfilled expectations.
Just like criteria for a partner...
Not marginalizing them or trying to make them something they're not: Good
Not caring who or what they're about: Not so good.
Expectations and preconceptions are the root of many failures to communicate. There are many elements of the other person that are more important than (say) looks, but they are more difficult to see and the most important parts are those that you do not find until something bad happens. When the ideal model provided by the commodity culture is a pneumatic blond whose only oral ability is not about talking then what hope is there for any kind of relationship with anybody else who is less perfect ? What chance for a girl whose ideal is a muscle packed tattooed guy whose main ability in life is to get in and out of jail ? among all the other preconceived for you models ?
Dr. Wayne Dyer tells us that the Tao teaches not to expect anything, but then Rhonda Byrne tells us in her book, The Secret, that we should visualize what we want so that we may attract it our way. So, which one is right then?
Without any question the Tao is correct.
By 'visualising' what we want we just eliminate all the other options that do not fit our vision. There is no proof or reason why having a firm view of what WE want would cause an effect in another person, this is just nonsense.
Oh Panda! But it does work! I've seen it myself. Trust me.
But I have seen amazing results from the Tao way, I personally have more than I ever 'wished' for in my life by following it People 'attracted' in the way described are rarely the person you might want overall.
Well, I attracted my husband that way, and he is exactly what I want (as long as it doesn't exceed four hours a day) LOL
How do you know that your 'projecting' attracted him ? He may have been happily following the way of Tao and just open to the good things that come along - and you attracted yourself to him
I met him online, in a group chat room that had more than 40 people, all talking at once. It wasn't a dating site, just a regular website, and although there were many other men online who recognized my female username and tried to establish private chats with me, I only approved his request to chat privately. He was more than five thousand miles away, and yet he had everything I had been visualizing in a man. I've been happily married for seven years.
I think that both are right.
For me, it's important to be open to what the Universe (inject your word of choice here, I used to call it fate or my Path and some call it their higher power) brings into my life- yes it does bring about things that I would not have imagined for myself and that is wonderfull. It is ALSO important for me to visualize what I want, and to actually RAISE my expectations so as not to settle for something less, or accept something that is not good for me.
Settling doesn’t mean that I still don’t want what I visualized for myself, and for many people it causes them to want to change their relationship partner. THAT is the part that gets people into trouble. Placing demands and unrealistic expectations on another is not healthy. We cannot change people, and it is irritating to the person you are trying to change because you obviously don’t accept or love them as they are.
My advice: have higher expectations, hold out for the best, be proactive in getting what you want, and be ready for life to bring you the things you didn’t even know you wanted. At the same time, don’t try to change your loved one into something they’re not, love and appreciate them for who they are, and be your best self. (note to readers: yes, I am a hopeless romantic and eternal optimist. I like being that way.)
I understand completely. With newly intimate relationships we do not have a list of expectations and demands. In a long term relationship, if we were to treat every day like the first time with no expectations and demands, intimacy stays fresh and fun.
When we have no fear of criticism we can laugh better, love better and perform better. In my opinion this is where you really get the fireworks in relationships.
I think expectations are one thing (and reasonable and sensible to have some expectations of a certain sort to some extent). Demands and criticism are two whole other things, and both are "great" ways to ruin a relationship. People shouldn't be making demands of the one they're supposed to love, and they really shouldn't be criticizing (even if they sugar-coat it by saying it's "constructive criticism"). Both demands and criticism show lack of respect for the other individual. The person who isn't respected will leave one way or another - either physically or emotionally.
Well what then if you really love'em you know...What are yu posed to do when that wuznt the intention you know...?
If you are trying to change someone, that isn't really loving them. You may feel like you love them, but it may be kinder to them if you let them go so they can end up with someone who really appreciates them.
Couple's counseling may be an excellent alternative.
You got a great observation here. Expectations control how one relates to
others. Freedom of expectations is free to say what you want, especially when flirting. More spontaneous and mostly works better.
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