Help? Boyfriend cheated a "few" weeks ago; just found out recently.

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   mymedicinexposted 12 years ago

   At the end of August, my boyfriend's mother killed herself.  He already lost his father to suicide when he was a child.  His only remaining family member, an uncle, decided to crawl into a bottle rather than help this 23-year old young man with his mother's estate.
   
   He and I were fighting a little bit before this happened (due to stress --- financial issues, etc.) and some things happened right before the burial that made us fight a little more.  We made up about that, but there was tension between us nonetheless afterwards.
   
   So, boyfriend is feeling isolated, burdened, unappreciated, like his parents didn't love him enough to go on living for him, like he is failing in his relationship with me, etc.
   
   Boyfriend has unplanned hook-up with some girl.  I don't know where she is from.  I don't know why she was hanging out with him that day.  I don't know anything about her.  All I know is that things were not going so well in his life and here was someone who came on to him; he took the bait.
   
   He finally told me about it, weeks after the fact.  I understand that it was a one-time thing in a time of grief and mourning and confusion.  I am not saying it was excusable, however, only that I can understand why he may have been feeling.
   
   He told me that it was the worst mistake he has ever made in his life, because (at the time he was certain I was not going to choose to stay with him) it cost him me.  It cost him our future together and that was the one thing he wanted.  That he was going to be broken without me.  That he sacrificed his greatness happiness for his one-time mistake.  And, that I deserved to go out and have some more deserving guy make me happy and treat me better.
   
   I feel broken.  I feel so much heartache, you couldn't possibly begin to imagine.  Aside from the recent stress, our relationship has been rock solid.  We have aspirations of one day starting a family together and sharing our lives with one another.  I chose to stay with him (despite him saying I was too good for him and he didn't deserve to have me stay --- he may have been right, but here I am)...  I chose to stay, because while some things in life are inexcusable, none are unforgivable.  It is simply up to me to find the strength to forgive him.
   
   Honestly, I think I have forgiven him.  I am just left with the pain of what he did.  I keep questioning myself: "Why?" "Was it someone thinner/prettier/sexier?" "Am I not attractive enough?" "Did I not make him feel loved/wanted enough?"  "Did he like it better with her?"  "What was/am I doing wrong?"
   
   Add to these questions that I have relatively low self-esteem due to a history with an eating disorder and I can assure you that I am feeling pretty insufficient.
   
   I don't know what to do about it.
   
   I love him.  I stay because even despite what he did, I cannot say that I love him any less.  I just love him with a little more caution.  Sadly, I think that while I am also still IN love with him, it is the "in love with" part that I may be doing a little less... but, what can be expected of me, after such an act of disrespect and betrayal?
   
   I don't want to constantly be blaming myself for this or wondering if I am good enough.
   
   But, I want to make things work with him.
   
   Advice on moving forward --- not on, but forward in our relationship?

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      Kiss andTalesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      sorry for the prolems in your life , I know how you feel i been though the same in my  life and a old school buddy who is going though the same thing you are! she is so deep in love  ,well two people hurt can not heal without some one being stronger then the other, like how can a doctor heal you and he is blind and can not see  both here needs some kind of healing to, and sometimes there is that old saying that applies release if it comes back the right way it was yours in the first place! yes you have a lot to offer you offered it with your heart   he took your love for grantedt some one will love you more,some one will love you better,some will love you for the good and bad of your mistakes,and love you not betray you!  you can try to push this relationship because of your feeling! and you might go though this again when he feels you have cooled off about this betrayal , you love happiness with him at the moment, because you love him! give someone a chance to love you the right way , dont let anyone stip out the good in you ,after all remember something about you drew him ,believe me it can draw Mr. Right.

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         Kiss andTalesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         And I want to say if you seen why did I get married/Tyler Perry/ true statemement some will leave there 80 for 20/ you being the 80  her being the 20,the question is what he has done is not protected his gift in you for some one will and can take his 80 and be better at protecting his gift in you!and if that happens he will loose out! many times women block themselfs for mr right thinkink they can make this person feel what they feel for them!believe me you have did nothing wrong,he just is not ready to buy the relationship, because he thinks he can climb the mountain an he can find miss perfect! no one  perfect even him and you accept that!thats what real love do!

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      Dave Mathewsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'd dump him in a heartbeat and find someone better.

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      A Troubled Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      There is your problem in a nutshell, which will impede your relationship forever more. What you want and what he wants appear to be two different things.

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   mymedicinexposted 12 years ago

   Anything anyone has to say would be much appreciated.  Just trying to hear the other voices out there.  ( The ones in my head are currently deafening... :'D )

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      Kiss andTalesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      if you decide to continue this relationship! at least have a cut off point before the well runs dry! because he will take all the goodies and try to leave nothing for some one else who deserves you! Its hard when some ones bonds with a lover and they can not see them selfs without them ! all the time you put in proving your love for him! and betrays you! at least have an escape plan not so much physical but mental! You can do this! I know its hard ! if you should ever cross this path again! remember ! you are not alone! Kiss and tells!

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         Kiss andTalesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         lol lol forgot how to spell my name! kiss and tales!

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            mymedicinexposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Cut off point? Like, "We can stay together until xx/xx/xxxx" ??  That doesn't make much sense to me, continuing a relationship that has an expiration date.
            
            If you mean setting boundaries and setting down our wants and needs in this relationship, we've been trying to do that.  Obviously, this happened for a reason and we are still in love with one another for a reason.  So, we're trying to make sure that neither party feels as if the relationship is lacking.  I don't want this happen again and neither does he (not even on his end, I mean --- he won't let it happen again on his end, but rather he is afraid I might never be happy with him again and might want someone else).  So, we're trying to build a better relationship than we had before this incident.

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               Kiss andTalesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               I understand one way of your problem ! but you are still caring the tourch for the person who has betrayed you this is still new to your case! he says he love you but action says different ,  was he thinking of you when he went to other women! he loves you but he treats you differ when not around!you speak for him as though you believe him more then yourself!,I still say you are good for him but he is not for you! and see people on the outside can see the picture without any attachment! it sounds like what it is, excuses , because you are not ready to let go! if you get to that point remember you are not alone!

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   Disturbiaposted 12 years ago

   Sounds to me like you're feeling pretty sorry for yourself.
   
   "I am just left with the pain of what he did.  I keep questioning myself: "Why?" "Was it someone thinner/prettier/sexier?" "Am I not attractive enough?" "Did I not make him feel loved/wanted enough?"  "Did he like it better with her?"  "What was/am I doing wrong?"
   
   What about your boyfriend's pain?  He has suffered a tragic loss.  His fling wasn't about you.  Who cares WHY?  She was available and he used her for some comfort in a time of pain and need.  Period!  Men often look to sexual release in times of crisis.  He already told you that he regrets doing it and that it was a mistake.  Leave it at that, understand that he was in some emotional termoil and confusion at the time, forgive him, and don't let your negative self-esteem issues get in the way.  Torturing yourself by dwelling on it and why he might have done it won't help you or him.  Obviously, he loves you because he confessed to you and is still with you. It's time to grow up, realize that people sometimes do stupid things, and get on with your lives.

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      mymedicinexposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      What I don't understand is that he had ME to turn to for comfort in his time of pain and need.  And, it's not as if we were not being intimate --- so was my being there and sexual release with me just not cutting it? Or, was it all just irrational with her?
      
      I know he loves me and regrets what he does.  And, I have forgiven him.  I just am upset by what he did.  I can forgive him in my heart and still hurt from it, as paradoxical as that may seem. 
      
      And as for HIS pain? I know his loss.  I was there by his side through all of it.  The main reason I chose to remain with him was that I KNOW he was in a dark place and not himself when it happened.  The man I went into the relationship with is smart, caring, and honest --- and would never do anything to hurt me.  The man who cheated was not that man.  I am aware of that, like I said, that is why I am giving him a second chance.
      
      My question here isn't whether to stay or go --- I have made up my mind to stay.
      
      My question is how to deal with the hurt, having made my decision.  I don't want it to hinder us from making progress.  I was curious as to what little things other couples in this situation have done to get their relationships back on solid footing.

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         mymedicinexposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         * regrets what he DID.
         My apologies.

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         Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Well you know him and your relationship better than I do.  I would say it was probably just irrational or impulsive, but who knows.  The point is, you are not to blame for what he did.  It's not your fault if he cheats and it's not becasue you are not good enough, or pretty enough, or supportive enough.  You can be all of those things and if he is a certain type of man, none of that will matter.  People do what they do for their own reasons and none of us can control someone else's actions or thoughts.  If he is the type who will cheat, it doesn't matter what you do, it will never be enough and you will just continue to feel bad about yourself for no real reason.  Everyone deserves a second chance, so forgive him and don't blame yourself for his behavior and make a good life for yourselves, but if he does it again, show him the door.  The pain you are feeling is real, I don't dispute that, but only you can make yourself feel better and you have to choose to do so.  Honey, life is too short to suffer and there are plenty of men out there.  Don't settle for a loser and don't torture yourself with self-doubts about yourself.  I know, I have been down this road with more than one man and it took me a long time to figure it out.  I no longer beat myself up over what I can't control.

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      Kiss andTalesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      or sometimes they use that I am sorry as power ,to make you comfortable in the relationship until he does something else!, like the kitchen is hot now let every thing cool down I will say I am sorry and I love you to get the pressure of wrong doing adressed! please ,if looks like a rat smells like a rat guess what its a two legged rat! be real to your self because you ask this question because you really know everything! you just want a reason to stay! because you love him! because he makes you think and say what you want to hear! many have been down this road before !thats why it sounds familiar to those who post! and that includes me! so dont forget the advice! it may be handy some day!.at lease you have your hubbers! you are not alone whatever you decide! peace and love! my friend.

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   2besureposted 12 years ago

   Let him go to find his way.  There is not reason to be in a relationship with someone who won't be faithful.  Once you start accepting this type of behavior, they will do it again.  Don't let him use the death of his mother as an excuse, he could have just as easily turned to you for comfort.  9 times out of 10 when a man tells you it was just this once, he is lying.  Life is filled with pain and heartache, is he planning to use life's problems as am excuse to cheat on you each time.

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      ThussaysNanaMarieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If you stay on in this relationship then your are engaging in self abuse. He will always have issues with his parents' actions.
      That is alot of baggage for you to take on. You are not his parent but you chose to stand by him. If he could not appreciate this but rewarded you with betrayal then you are abusing yourself by staying on with someone who does not value you.
      HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. Mark my words. Respect yourself and get out while you still can. There are great men out there who will worship the ground a beautiful person like you walks on.
      You can not get hold of something with your hand in a fist holding on to something else.
      If he ended up in unprotected sex (broken condom and all) both of you would have been joining his parents because you loved him and he didn't (love both of you).
      Love and cherish yourself, my love . tHis time next year you will be over him.
      I've been there and I now have a gem of a man.

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   IzzyMposted 12 years ago

   I think no matter what anyone else says in this thread, that you two will go on together. There is a deep love there between you, and that is a great basis for a relationship.
   
   There is also friendship and understanding.
   
   There is forgiveness too.
   
   He told you about this other girl. Cheaters aren't usually so honest. I don't think this makes this man a life-long cheater. God knows what was going on in his head, becoming an orphan so young in such cruel circumstances.
   
   His parents had issues. No doubt he will too, but he is statistically LESS likely to do what his parents did because he has you with him. You were in a relationship with him before he lost his mother. That will give him a sense of stability.
   
   Forget the sex thing with the other girl, because that is all it was. You are so much more than that to him.
   
   Good luck

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      mymedicinexposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Your response is the only one that makes sense to me, so thank you.
      And, it also reflects a lot of what we went through in our conversations about moving forward.
      
      Thanks for the wish of luck, I might need it!

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