A very close friend of mine in her 20's has met someone she is very attracted to and seems like a great guy. Eventually, sex will be in their future, but in the past, when my friend revealed to her other boyfriends that she has never had an orgasm, it caused a problem in the relationship. Some guys felt so much pressure to make her have one, that they became very frustrated when it didn't happen. My friend has tried many techniques to achieve her goal with no results to date. Now she does not know what to do about this new boyfriend....tell him, not tell him till later after they have had sex, but that creates a whole new problem. If they have sex and she doesn't tell him, then he will be expecting her to have an orgasm. She would then either have to fake one (not good) or admit then and there that she can't have one, at least not yet. I don't have an answer for her. When is the right time to tell her new boyfriend? Is there a right time, ever?
I think that the sooner she tells him the better. If he cannot disregard her issues and accept her anyway perhaps he's not right for her. If he has a genuine love or affection towards her, as opposed to just having a lust or desire for her "body" then maybe it wont matter. I cannot say for sure because I've never faced a problem like this personally but even still I suggest she tells him as soon as possible.
Seriously? I didn't realize this was an "issue" that needs to be discussed with potential sex partners. WHO CARES? you people are acting like she has herpes or something.
I swear, I think this is the absolute weirdest discussion, including the reactions, I've ever seen on a forum.
And I've seen some weird-ass forum discussions in my time....
Actually quite the opposite. Many many women have a problem achieving orgasms and cannot do anything about it. The important thing is that they are not treated like something is 'wrong' with them, and that their partners are made aware this is normal for many women, and that they should not feel under pressure to 'fake' orgasms. The thing you seem to be unaware of is that many men would take this personally if they weren't informed, not least because men generally take such a pride in their 'performance' in the bedroom. Don't take my/our word for it, do a Google search and see how many sites come up full of women with this worry on their minds, or men who are concerned their woman never seems to have an orgasm and they feel like they have failed in the bedroom dept as a result.
A partner you are serious about should also be someone you feel able to discuss these kinds of things with before they become an issue. If you feel unable to then you are not yet ready to sleep together, or you are not in the right choice of relationship.
At the risk of sounding creepy, she needs to find out what what works for her. Most people tend to masterbate to relieve stress or pressure especially if they have not orgasmed during intercourse. If she can climax through self stimulation, she can guide her new partner to copy what works for her. The first few sexual encounters should probably not be about straight intercourse, but exploration with hands and mouth. Most men will not worry about not being able to have vaginal intercourse if they can achieve orgasm by other means. Just a suggestion, i have dated two women with same issue, this worked for both of them. Again not being creepy.
This is actually very good advice.
I reckon this thread will be 'pulled' by HP in the next few hours though. A bit too 'Adult' for their TOS, so probably not worth spending too much time on. Shame really, as it is a valid subject and problem that so many couples face day to day, and that largely remains unspoken in many cases because people see it as a 'none issue' that 'doesn't need to be discussed' (throws head into palm of hand and shakes head in despair).
Think that is the thing you think about it to much never going to happen. It is very common, and most of the time just like trying to conceive babies, worrying and stress, is just going to make it never happen. I think maybe when she stops thinking it can't hapen it will happen.
Say nothing. Most men have no idea whether a woman achieves an orgasm or not. Eventually she will experience one.
You're "friend" just needs to keep practicing. It'll happen if she wants it to that badly.
Some women never achieve an orgasm in their entire lives, no matter how aroused they are. The biggest problem is for them to get the men in their lives to understand they should not take this personally, and should instead understand that this is just the way the woman happens to have been 'built' on this occasion.
Oh, and yes, she should tell her new man, preferably before they get as far as having sex. If she says it afterwards it will look like she is just being kind so he doesn't feel inadequate, whereas beforehand it at least prevents him doubting her word and suspecting she is 'letting him down gently' afterwards when he failed to make her climax.
It may not be considered an "issue" for you janesix but not everyone can share that same sentiment, including the people and the partners of the people who are dealing with these things. Like i said before I cannot say for sure because I've never dealt with it, I was only answering a question and trying to giving someone else some positive feedback.
Maybe if she doesn't lead with this buzz kill announcement the sex may actually go ok and she will relax and actually allow herself to come.
Just because it hasn't happened before doesn't mean it couldn't happen this time because she's relaxed and not focusing on it.
Hi MM, lovely to catch up again, hope you are good as always. We do seem to end up on the most interesting threads together don't we? lol.
On this occasion I have to say I disagree with you (there's a first), I think if she has never had an orgasm she will feel under so much pressure that she will resort to faking it because she won't be able to have one naturally. If she knows he knows she has a 'difficulty' in this area, she knows he will (should) make allowances and be gentle and patient with her, and without expectations. If she knows he is unaware, she will be tense trying to give him the reactions he expects, and is almost certainly doomed to failure as a result of the pressure she has put herself under. She may even be suffering from Vaginismus, which is usually as a result of being tense about sexual intercourse, and this requires time and consideration to get through, not just the assumption sex with the right person will be an instant cure and the person will have no problems with orgasms as a result.
Lovely to catch up under any circumstances
PS. She is already focusing on it, as the original poster says, and if it is in her conscious mind, it is for sure in her subconscious mind. I very much doubt she will be able to 'come' on this basis. It will be worrying her before they even get as far as undressing!
I'm with you MM. Don't say anything, just go with the flow. The new guy may have what it takes to make it happen. The less you think about it, the less you try to make it happen, the more likely it will happen.
Your friend should take some serious time exploring herself deeply. Really penetrating that inner barrier of uncertainty that has keep her from truly enjoying the pleasure that her body offers her. Until she can do it for herself, it will never happen with a partner. It's that simple.
And remind her of this: You don't HAVE to know HOW or WHY it works. You only have to KNOW that it DOES work, for it to work.
Find an Trust a Scorpio
- Forget the multitude of 2 Minute Terriers out there and find a lover who is prepared to stay the distance!
Let's be honest... most guys haven't got a clue!
- Your friend needs to explore her body (without any pressure or influence) and find out for herself how it responds to a range of stimuli. She needs to teach herself how to create sensations which she has control of - She can start that process by simply learning a variety of pelvic floor exercises. She doesn't need a partner for that.. however, if she has an experienced caring and patient lover.. they can build on this in stages in very fun ways.. and will achieve heights that I'm sure she has not to date!
Approaching this so clinically is the surest way of guaranteeing that the problem never goes away! Why women accept the under-performance of inferior partners, I fail to understand... as I said earlier... most guys have no clue!
Why is she so stressed about telling him? Unless there is a physical anamoly that is preventing her from having an orgasm she is capable of it. It may be that she doesn't know how to give herself an orgasm. She needs to explore her body. Don't worry about telling him. Maybe she should stop having sex until she is in a relationship where the man is committed enough to work through her issue.
The person to tell, if it bothers her, is her doctor. if she still wants to have sex, this is not really a problem for her not probably for the guy.
As an Intimacy Coach, there are some facts about female orgasm that many people are not aware of.
First of all, 70% of all women in the world only achieve orgasm with clitoral stimulation. So a woman who does NOT achieve an orgasm during intercourse is NORMAL!
Second, as one other comment stated, she needs to relax and explore her own body first. Get to know her own triggers and hot spots so to speak, and achieve an orgasm on her own without preconceived ideas on what she 'should' do or feel.
She is young and most women dont really learn their own bodies until in their 30's!
I would tell her she doesnt need to tell any potential sex partner of this, when she does it sets up preconceived ideas of performance that is 'supposed' to happen and only sets them up for failure.
Men tend to have issue with performance and feel that if their partner doesnt have an orgasm that they somehow failed as a lover. That is so wrong!
In intimacy communication is key, and not to expect certain required outcomes. Both need to relax and let the intimacy flow without thinking "am I doing this right", "will I or will I not orgasm this time?", "will she orgasm?".
I hope this helps! Please check out my hubs for more intimacy tips!
Discovering herself.Find what works for her.Keep practicing and she will be perfect to achieve
Not every woman has orgasms. What does it matter? If she enjoys sex, or some part of it, just enjoy it and don't get uptight about an orgasm. Don't tell him anything - in today's world we put too much pressure on about sexual performance. I have no idea if my Grandmother had orgasms but they had a pack of kids so they must have been happy enough in bed.
If you can not play the organ stay with the piano or the flute for gosh sakes.
I am so appreciative of all of your helpful and interesting responses. My friend has tried the self-exploratory route, including toys, to no avail. Ironically, her sister has never had an orgasm either, and she is married with 2 babies. So, you say, what is the problem then? Well, unless you cannot have one, then you just wouldn't be able to appreciate the unhappiness that this has caused my sweet friend. She has tried to minimize it, as she is able to enjoy sex per se, but without the happy ending, she feels and rightly so, that she is missing the fireworks that so many take for granted. If you don't know it by now, many, many men take it very hard if they can't satisfy their partner. My ex told me once how he gave up and broke up with a girl because he felt like he was having sex all alone just because she could not have an orgasm. The beauty of it all is, yes, as many of you have said, that she is young, and somewhere in her future, the right man will ring all of her bells, and push all of her buttons, end of problem. This is a legitimate problem, and I did not post this for titillating purposes, but rather to seek new insight for my good friend. She has not seen a doctor yet, but truthfully, a doctor is only going to tell her what you all have said. She has no physical problems that would prevent her from having an orgasm. I hope that I have added enough info so that everyone is on the same page, and again, I thank you all so much for your helpful remarks.
The frequency/ease of orgasm is highly variable and quite a few women have few or none. There may be a medical reason that can be corrected if it is bothering the woman.
Over the years, quite a number of women have said to me, "I love you," when "it was over."
Does that count as an orgasm?
To be honest, as someone who 'can', I do not feel it is essential and sometimes can't be bothered to have one anyway. I don't feel I have missed out in any way, and still feel just as relaxed after sex. I suspect this issue would be more of a problem from the man's perspective than the woman's. Her problem is by never having had one, she feels she is missing out on some wonderful experience she is entitled to, when like most things the reality might leave her saying 'Oh, so that is what it is all about, okay, nice but not worth making too big a deal of".
Only one person in this long thread has advised her to see a doctor. Especially if she has a sister with the same inability, getting checked for physical factors is a reasonable step to take. This discussion started 3 years ago. I hope she's seen her doctor in all that time. (And I hope her doctor is a woman!)
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