Advice for Sexless Marriage

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   Aunt Mollieposted 11 years ago

   I just answered a letter from a reader wanting advice for his sexless marriage.  Bottom line is that his desire is greater than his wife's.  What advice would you give to him?

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   knolyourselfposted 11 years ago

   I find the best relationships are platonic. However outside romance may be required, as should be agreed upon by all concerned.

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      Aunt Mollieposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      The husband actually wants to have more lovemaking in his 10-year marriage.  He is asking for advice on reactivating his wife's interest in sex.  Any ideas?

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   WriteAngledposted 11 years ago

   Find another wife.
   
   I mean this seriously.
   
   If a woman is frigid, she has no right to fool a man into marrying her.
   
   This works the opposite way too, with regard to an impotent man.

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      Aunt Mollieposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      In this case, I don't think that the wife is actually frigid.  This is a 10-year marriage, children were born, much has happened, and the flames of passion need to be rekindled.  Any ideas?

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         dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         People do what (they) want to do. If his wife felt sex was as important to their marriage as he does they'd be making progress. Clearly the issue here is they don't have the same priorities.
         There is no amount of "communication" or "work" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.
         "It's easier to maintain fire than it is to reignite a spark!"
         The key to having a successful marriage is to be with someone who wants what you want for the marriage. Sadly for this man his wife does not want what he does.

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   Arlene V. Pomaposted 11 years ago

   They can start by making appointments and going out on dates.  It doesn't have to be expensive.  Dinner?  A movie?  A brief weekend getaway or a week's cruise if that's affordable?  Without distractions, they can focus on themselves and enjoy each other.  Maybe this will lead to something.  Or maybe they will both be bored to death.  Who knows?  When married couples allow "life" to get in the way and stay in that mode, maybe the reason is that they both lost interest in each other.

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   Robie Benveposted 11 years ago

   It would be interesting to know the reasons behind the changes in his wife's desire. Sometimes women don't feel good about their body, they feel unattractive. A lot happens in the head for ladies.
   Does she have feelings of resentment and unhappiness for some reason?
   Maybe he can try to make her feel more appreciated, loved, and attractive, there are many ways to do that, and usually the simplest ones are the best.
   Small gestures like holding hands, kissing, spend time together, etc.

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   Elly`Snowposted 11 years ago

   Robie is on the right path and has some very good suggestions and there are many reasons why a women can have a lack of desire. Such as chemical, physical, or trouble getting her body to respond. Has she been to the Dr. regarding this issue? Recently has a child? Depending on age is she Peri-menopausal?

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   Elly`Snowposted 11 years ago

   Robie is on the right path and has some very good suggestions and there are many reasons why a women can have a lack of desire. Such as chemical, physical, or trouble getting her body to respond. Has she been to the Dr. regarding this issue? Recently has a child? Depending on age is she Peri-menopausal?

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   Aunt Mollieposted 11 years ago

   The Hub I wrote to answer this question, "Sexless Marriage", has many good comments that contribute solutions.  In this particular marriage, I think the husband has difficulties dealing with the emotional differences between men and women.  Lovemaking can be very much like landing a plane:  approach is everything!

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   grand old ladyposted 11 years ago

   Biologically, love is in the brain rather than in the heart. So if he can find out what's going on in her head, then her heart may open up and SEX will follow:)

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      Aunt Mollieposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I couldn't agree with you more, Grand Old Lady!  But, from my experience, women tend to understand men far better than men understand women!

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         grand old ladyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Aunt Mollie, on that last point I couldn't agree with you more. Which may be why there are sexless marriages, hahahahahaha.

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    peeplesposted 11 years ago

    I would tell him that his problem is communication not sex. Every aspect of a relationship can be repaired or never broken at all as long as communication lines are open and no one feels like thier opinion is not valid. I would tell him that he needs to figure out what is causing her to not want to have sex. Is she tired from taking care of children? Is she feeling insecure? Is she bored with a "comfort zone" sex life? Once he figures out which of these issues is hers then he can work to repair his sex life. I am a firm believer in 2 parts of a relationship that are a MUST have for a good relationship. Good communication and a good sex life. Unfortunatly the second can't be had without the first. If she is unwilling to communicate and has no desire to repair the marriage I would say leave her. What's the point in staying with someone who doesn't care how you feel.

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    dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

    We can only control ourselves. There are only two reasons why someone in a relationship/marriage with you would not give you what you want after you have stated it's importance. 1. They don't have it to give. 2. They don't feel you are worth the effort to give it to. If one person in the marriage wants to have sex 4 times a week and the other wants to have sex once a week. In a 52 week year we are talking about 208 times VS 52 times a year. Clearly that would present a major issue. Now when you look at being married to someone who does not want to have sex with you period that goes way beyond an "issue". Truth be told very few unhappily married men would run down to the courthouse to file for divorce because their wife won't have sex with them. The vast majority of men are likely to cheat. In fact it has been reported that women file for 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces. This gives us some insight into a gender difference when it comes to handling issues in an unhappy marriage.
    My advice is this man needs to determine whether or not having NO SEX is a "deal breaker". If it is (get out). If it's not (learn to live without).
    There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationsips. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.
    You are responsible for your own happiness! "Marriage is a life-style choice". No one is stuck with anyone! If you choose to stay with someone who will not give you what you want at some point you have to take reponsibility for not having what you want. Staying with them is the same as denying yourself!

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    gramaryeposted 11 years ago

    Quite often, men regard lovemaking as having sex. Maybe she would respond to lovemaking rather than sex. In any case, she does have the right to not want to have sex.

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    Arlene V. Pomaposted 11 years ago

    Oh, well.  Can't say we didn't try.  They will either work it out or go their separate ways.  I have friends who have been married for over 30 years.  They put up with each other more than anything else.

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