How to Handle a Boyfriend Who Takes You for Granted

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This hub will reveal to you what you should do when your boyfriend takes you for granted. Read on...

It’s no big secret at all. You may have thought about it, but you throw it away because you don’t like thinking about it. But I say, you need courage…and the right reasons to do it.

If your boyfriend is taking advantage of you, making you his doormat or his punchbag, break up with him!

“But I love him”, you say? Well, let’s take a look at why the “love” reason is not even good enough.

Reasons Why Ditching Your Boyfriend (a bad one) Right Now Is A Good Thing

  1. Love will change everything is a myth. A lot of couples have proven that “love” doesn’t change somebody. Situation does. And it usually involves both of you. For real example, financial get so tough it force both of you to work hard and push him to the limit. Your husband then will only have two choices, repair his habit or surrender and become worse and maybe runaway. You may have him change, but it’s rather 50-50. And before that happens, you also suffer the financial crisis and that’s not the kind of situation you wanna have in your family. Now if you expect that your boyfriend will change as soon as you both get married, you’re wrong! A toddler saying cows drink milk couldn’t be more right than this (it’s water). My conclusion is, if you see a bad habit you can’t deal with when you’re dating, you won’t when you get married to him either. Don’t marry him before he changes for at LEAST a year to make sure!
  2. Your feeling doesn’t make him “the one”. You like him, fall in love at first sight, your birthday is the same as his, he likes the same color as you do, you both even sneeze at the same time! (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating :) ). But those are not the measurements that he is the man who should be your husband. Who your soulmate is, is your decision! Not by signs. What I’m talking about is, our feeling is often mixed up with our expectation for that particular person. When we see someone is wearing the same t-shirt as we do (plus we’re desperate for a date at the moment), we can’t hold ourselves to not think that there are at least another 10,000 things we will find similar in that person. Be it taste, hobbies, our habits, etc… Wake up! Your decision that the person you’re being with is your soulmate should be the result of months or even years of friendship, knowing each other, going through hard times and not only by mere sight.
  3. There’s only one man out there for me. Yes it’s true! And you choose which one he is! If you see something’s wrong with the person you’re being with and you don’t want to leave him just because you think that he’s the only one there is for you, you’re like persisting on sending mails using doves instead of Gmail because you believe that Google is reading all our emails. That’s unnecessary and stupid. You’re provided with a much better choice (look for another better man) but you choose the hard way only because of a false myth (nobody wants to be with you except the person you’re with).

Well, I hope that now you have more thoughts on your own future when you decide if you should go on or look for a new relationship. The purpose of this hub is to make you see the values you have within you. Hopefully you will soon have a better judgement of yourself and find no more doubt in choosing the best man to live life.

Self improvement books:

48 comments

princess tiana 6 years ago

my boyfriend is just like that the thing is i don't want to break up with him i want to work at it and what should i do to get him back on track


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 6 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

princess tiana, if for some time "working at it" doesn't work, you need to leave him and come back only if he becomes a better man.

Maybe it's tough love he needs, not soft love.


BIJAYLAXMIMAJHI 5 years ago

i need your advice..

my boyfriend says he can take me for granted because our relationship is so deep that there is no room for small formalities..

i love him a lot,, and he loves me more..

but it does hurt me when he does that.. what should i do..please help... (me and my bf both 24 yrs old)


Louis Liem 5 years ago

Hi

there's no reason for someone to take others for granted. Nothing at all...

You need to look into yourself in silence if you trust him. Not because kind words he says or sweet actions he gave you.

One question you can reflect on is "Will you be able have the relationship the way it is now forever?"

If you aren't sure, talk with him about how you feel but don't get angry when he says something you don't expect. Be patient, there may be arguments because you both are still different individuals who have different angles and opinion.

Use common sense but also don't judge. Be neutral and responsible for your own feelings.

I suggest you surrender to God and find someone you think wise to consult your situation further.

Good luck!


Danie-chan profile image

Danie-chan 5 years ago

This article was helpful for me because I feel overused in my relationship and I don't know what to do... He thinks that when he asks for money, he doesn't have to pay you back unless he says he will and he owes me $20. For lunch at school, he expects me to get him French fries with hot sauce... I wouldn't mind giving it to him because I don't eat the fries, but it still makes me mad because he doesn't appreciate what I do for him. I also feel like his punching bag when he is mad... I understand if he wants his anger out, but he takes it out on me harshly and doesn't apologize for hurting me...


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 5 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Danie,

I'm sorry to hear your situation. Have you tried talking to him? Tell him that he's hurting you and you'll be happier if he appreciate you more. Either verbally or physically.

If that doesn't work, he'll need to learn tough love. You'll have to leave him. Not hate him, but leave him so that he'll realize his mistakes and take steps to change.

Wait for some time until you see real transformation in his attitude. Meanwhile, you can also develop your personality and expand your relationship.

God bless!


Danie-chan profile image

Danie-chan 5 years ago

ive tried to talk to him... but when i tell him about one timy thing that shouldn't be a big deal, he snaps at me and i just stop talking to him... but thanks for your help and advice, i really needed it...


Jenn 4 years ago

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and I also have two kids he has never worked and when I questioned him about getting a job he turns it around and say if I don't spend so much then I won't be broke. It hurts my feeling because I'm busting my butt off to support a family of 4.Should I leave him just because he doesn't work? HELP!!!


sisi 4 years ago

jenn, hell yeah! You don't need a mooch ! You should support your children, not a man! Find a man who works, and can take care of you for once!


precious 4 years ago

hi i have a br for 1yr now he went through some hard time when his mom lost his apartment i let him live in my apartment he never helped pay a bill and made excuses why he didn't have a job. He would say he was going job searching but would go hang out with his friends. I couldn't support two people and ended up losing my apartment.When I try to talk about the siutation he screams and yells and displays a nasty temper. He say he goning to changes and it's been month and I don't see improvement. I care about him a lot, but I know I should be treated better than this. A part of me is scared to leave and I don't know why..advice please


natashasmith 4 years ago

When is enough, enough my boyfriend has done everything possible that's bad to me from cheating, putting me down to hitting and the last thing he did was spit in my face I no I should leave some part off me keeps hoping he will change.


natasha sharma 4 years ago

i m in d same condition..my bf takes me for granted..he is never sorry for hurting me..sometyms when i feel so low nd i need his true words he pours me his harsh words..he always gets mad at me even if i hv done nothing nd he is the one who is creating drama..he always tells me to get lost when he doesn't feel like to talk with me..nd i can do nthg..its because i love him a lot..and i m scared how wud i live if he leaves me..he doesn't respect me and my love..he doesn't lyk anything abt me..what should i do??my heart is totally broken nd my world is falling apart..


jane 4 years ago

Girls if your being abused and used leave him!! Its time to man up and not let your heart bother you.. Just completely separate your emotions from you for one moment and leave him.. Delete his number...etc. You don't deserve that. Sure it might take awhile to mend your heart but in the long run you'll be happier. You need to find yourself before you find someone else.


page 4 years ago

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now lately he has been so word I feel as if bothered by me but he says his not. We were having. A convo and I told him what he said bothered me and I got mad and so did he then the next day I told him that I missed how he would just talked to me until we were fin and he was an ass and said its life and that there's a long. List of eachother that has change.. I feel like a whatever to him not sure if I should keep going on. Help?


page 4 years ago

We have broken up 2 times and ive taken him back but I don't want to do that again should I try to work it out and if I can't then for final end it :/ I'm so confused


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 4 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi everyone,

it concerns me that the relationship you're having is giving you grieves. Please allow me to ask this question: Do you want to live that kind of life forever?

Don't expect too much that your spouse will change in the future. Maybe he/she will but how long before it happens?

If your presence doesn't change your spouse, maybe your (temporal) absence will. Loving your spouse doesn't mean always there for him/her, but making the right decision for the good of your spouse.

And how do we know what is the right decision? Ask for them in prayers. They work.

God bless...


nisha 4 years ago

hiii,me and my boyfriend is in a relationship since 3 and half year,from our school time.now we are doing mba.he is very possessive and loves me a lot,me too.but my problem is that he do not value me like he have no importance of mine in his life.these days he started to booze up a lot,i dont like it at all but for his happieness i allow him in weekend but now he says that he will continue to drink whenever he want,if i want to do break up ,he is ready.after drinking he sometime abuses me and change his behaviour ,become very rude.he don't care me as before,switch off his cell,if i want to discuiss anything with him.i cried a lot even then he leaves me alone and don't bother of me,and one side he says that he loves me alot and want to marry me.i am really confused with his double personality.i have very less time to deciede wheather i should make him as my life partner or not.please,please help me out,what should i do.i cant leave him but want to improve my relationship.please help.


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 4 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Nisha,

from what I've read, it seems that he only loves you by his words but not by his actions. I'm sure you agree that love is both words and action.

He says that he want to marry you. Do you want to have that kind of life in your marriage? Use common sense :)

Improving relationship needs effort from both sides and if things seem that the other side is not doing anything to improve the relationship, the only way to improve it is to leave the relationship.

That's the best way if cooperation is impossible to happen. Unhealthy relationship damages both sides. It might feel heavy in the beginning, but it'll be just temporarily. You can always decide.

God bless.


HITCH 3 years ago

this is B.S. ladies!


aida 3 years ago

hi, I like one man, but unfortunately he doesn't care about me, never calls, never texts me, whenever I asked the reason he tells he has been busy with something, I know that might mean madnees, but I still keep thinking of him and I am really sad about the situation coz it was he who first made an attempt, asked to go out but in the end disappeared, 3 days ago I stopped keeping in touch with him, but still feel terribly bad


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 3 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Aida,

thank you for sharing your experience. I can understand if you feel uncomfortable. It's a normal feeling and usually recovers in a few weeks.

My point is that we need to react accordingly to the present condition. If there's no response from the other side, than it's better to stop demanding for attention. Who knows things will occur more naturally this way.

Hoping the best for you! God bless.


kairi2723 profile image

kairi2723 3 years ago from New York

Thank you SO much for this article. My boyfriend is in the military and he worships me while he's away. Showers me with pretty words -_- and his time. I never have to text him first, and I found myself thinking things were going right, but as soon as he came home, everything changed. It's like I didn't exist anymore. He only spent 3 hours with me out of a 3 day weekend.

We discussed the situation, and he said that I should've told him I wanted him to hang out longer. Although I repeatedly asked him if he was sure he wanted to go (after those 3 hrs of cuddling, talking, dancing, and sex). I felt like I shouldn't have to beg him to spend more time with his gf whom he hadn't seen in 5 months.

We've only been together a year but it's quite possible that I may have to... leave. He told me that he may actually be better if I was bossier, (& i know he has a thing for bad girls. His exes used him.) but I don't feel like I should hAve to change. That's not the type of person I want to be. I want someone who'll see how great I am and treat me as such without me having to tell him!

He didn't invite me to meet his friends or his mom, & I think all those words were just words. I don't think I'm the woman he wants, which SUcks b/c other than this, we're complEtely compatible. We make each other happy; we always have things to talk about, but obviously, i guess that's not enough.


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 3 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi kairi2723,

thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you and your future spouse (whoever he is) will meet each other someday.

God bless you!


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Sarah,

thank you for your visit to this hub. I know how hard it is to decide when someone is both always with you in your bad times but in the same time makes the same mistake repeatedly.

My suggestion is to choose which one is more important to you. Is it his companionship in bad times, or him being honest. If you choose his companionship, then you might have to ignore his little lies. If honesty is more important to you, you might have to let him go. You might think that the second one is more risky since no one knows if there's a better man out there. However, there is another alternative, that is to find someone who is both more honest and able to accompany you. This may sound the most risky but I guess we all know that the higher the value, the higher the risk.

What kind of spouse you'd like to spend your life with? Go for it and don't settle for less.

God bless!


shravani 2 years ago

hi i like one boy he do like me but i don't know what happened to him this days he don't pickup my phone , nor he reply my messages before he has to call me by his self and has to ignore me like this how he do now... now its very difficult to live him please help me


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Shravani,

thank you for your visit. I can understand how you feel. It's very unsettling to experience someone who's suddenly missing from our life.

I cannot explain the reason for why he stops calling or replying your messages but I can say that your sadness and anxiety is normal. Give some time to your feelings. Cry if you want but you don't have to mourn for his absence in calling or texting you. You have lived many years without him before and you can do it again.

If he comes back again someday, make sure that he's really committed to you before involving a deeper feeling for him.

I hope that helps.

God bless!


Ash 2 years ago

Hey. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for awhile now. he is very possessive and loves me a lot,me too. my problem is that he do not value me enough like I'm not important on his life. Lately everything has been an issue, every time I try to talk to him about about the way I feel he says push on if I'm not happy or he says I'm nagging. His behavior is very rude and disrespectful, sometimes I'm upset and crying. he don't for care me as before, like he's annoyed with me...if i want to discuiss anything with him or question him he leaves me alone at the house for hours at a time. Every time we have an argument he leaves and tell me to leave him alone. he says that he loves me a lot and want to marry me but I am really confused and I can't deal with all the back and forth ness. i have very less time to decide whether or not I should make him as my life partner or not.please,please help me out,what should i do.i cant leave him but want to improve my relationship.please help.


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Ash,

thank you for sharing your story and sorry that it took a while for me to reply.

What you've been going through concerns me. I know it's confusing to have someone says that he loves you but his acts say otherwise. However, if we don't get things clear we're going to put our own future into a mess.

Ash, I think we've all heard of an old saying that says action speaks louder than words. And reading your story, to be honest, his acts do not deliver the same message as his words do. A relationship should contain not just kind words and pretty promises but also acts of sacrifice and patience. And I don't think your boyfriend get that yet. Or if he does, he doesn't make or makes very little effort of what he's supposed to do.

So my suggestions will be that you nee to talk to him nicely about what you need from him. However you need to calm yourself down before bringing this matter into conversation. Try not to be too emotional of how he'll react to what you're saying. Furthermore, it's best if you're already prepared to take the worst possibility of reaction.

If the conversation goes smooth, congratulations. But you both need to work it through your relationship. If it doesn't, I suggest to not making a bigger commitment such as marriage. Improving a relationship takes both of you and if the other side is not cooperating, maybe he's just not the one for you (I know it sounds harsh, but although there is no perfect someone, there are the best ones!).

Praying for your happiness.


Lisa 2 years ago

My fiancé and I we live together, we have being date for 3 yeas now.... My problem is that he never takes me out, he is always on his computer And sat and sun he hang out with his friends I work the weekends but when I get off early he never ask me if I want to do something... I told him already and he is always tired or he just got off from work and he doesn't want to do anything. He stays up super late... I'm tired and I just want to leAve him


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Lisa,

thank you for writing. From what I read, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be aware of your presence very much. You can try having a talk with him. Setting up a dinner and then talk afterwards may attract his attention and that can be a good time to communicate. Just bear in mind to not being too demanding. Both of you are however, free to choose what to do with your time.

If in an any given time you don't see your expectation met, you'll need to consider if that is the marriage life you would want. If that's the condition you would want to live in for the rest of your life.

I sincerely hope happiness for both of you.


Vanessa 2 years ago

Meg..

Hi,i hv been wth my bf for the past 5yrs but he doesn't seem to knw my likes n dislikes n never purchase me any gift or nevr give any surprise and never plan nything he wil do watever i say,but he luvs me a lot.. Tell me wat wil i do so that he wil take the responsibilty.


Suzzane 2 years ago

Hi, i am in a relationship since 7 years now.i and my boyfriend loce each other.we will b getting married soon..the only problem is he is not very expressive about his love..though at times he does...right now he has moved to other city for work and v are finding it difficult to manage now..he doesn't take time to call me.even i be busy with my work but i still b available whenever he wants to talk.i think he has started taking me for granted.sometyms he doesn't evn read my msgs.i feel bad very he doesn't give me that much importance.i don't know how to handle this.i get angry at times and v start arguing.he is a nice guy cares for me.but his behaviour is different sometimes.he simply forgets to call me.he gives importance to all other things...i feel very hurt .help...i want this relationship to work


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Vanessa,

you simply need to talk to him nicely about how you feel and what you want in the relationship. While at the same time try to give him the attention you're looking for. That's right, the attention you're looking for. Relationship is mostly about the other side. However, if for a determined period of time there's no change in the situation like you expected, you need to consider if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life in.

God bless!


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Suzzane,

Long distance relationship is always not as easy. Your boyfriend might feel frustrated being far from you as well. Is it possible for you two to visit one another every other time? Talk to him and let him know what you feel.

Making a relationship to work takes effort from both sides. However, a clear and objective judgment is needed in making every decision about the relationship.

Since you're getting married, I suggest to find a time where you can be alone and discover yourself. See and contemplate on what kind of life you'd like to have with your spouse. Would you spend the rest of your life like the way it is now? If not, is there any way both of you can see each other more often?

I hope you'll make the best decision.


namrita 2 years ago

mam,i need yr hlp ! plz hlp me .....im in lv withsm1....intialy we use to chat,phn cls,text,ect...hi is vry crng...till the tm I involved phycly....im jst 18yrs whn invld phycly....evn I don't cr him nd lv as much I do after phycl invlmnt,but after 2 mnths he strt chnchng himself,putting my cls on block list....nd ignorming me.insulting me in frnt of others,evn thogh I chzed him cmpltly...as I feel he is the 1 whm lv...he nvr stnd in my bad tm as I stud alwys in his cries, mam when need he had good wrds with alwys tht he lvs me ,nd u r my frst lv....bt alwys its insulting when ignres me totally...shw in frnt f all that we don't hv any lv with each other(mns sexuly invov)nd I chzed him cmpltly...bt rly mam he don't hv that pain which I had bz of his absnc in my lyf....nvr rcv my cls ....alwys block list.....if I had cht abusing me.....mam he mk abtul of pycl desire at the age f 18 nd lft sundly...which is vry diffclt to cop up....I wnt to mk him relize wht he did with me...wht shld I do mam plz plz hlp me.................


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Namrita,

please correct me if I'm wrong. What I got from your message is that your boyfriend stops seeing you and disconnects himself from you. In that case, the best thing you should to is to calm yourself down and bring yourself together.

A relationship takes the effort of both sides and if the other one quits, we can try our best to restore the relationship, BUT if it doesn't work, we should protect ourselves from being hurt deeper.

One often think that he/she cannot live without the other person. But come to think of it, he/she has been living for years without the other person, right? They only feel that way because they're used to the other side's presence.

So I want you to know that you'll be okay. You can go through this. Take lessons from what you have experienced to make better decisions in the future, which I'm sure you'll be able to do.

God bless!


Holly 2 years ago

Hello, my heart is aching and I ended up on this page. I could use a little advice. So I was in this dreamy relationship.. I had never felt so in love, happy, accepted for a year. We traveled together, cooked, danced, and laughed day and night. Then we got an apartment together and I learned his anger gets completely out of control. And possibly he's just mentally unstable? He's been having financial problems so it could be provoking the stress. But here's some examples. Yesterday, I had my arms wrapped around him and he was singing these beautiful songs and playing guitar. But then he asked me to sing and I said I didn't want to, just wanted to keep listening. This caused an anger explosion.. "You hide who you really are, you can't sing to your own boyfriend? You're a fake person!!!" He gives me the key to the apartment and leaves and later comes back crying saying he's messed up and we talk about how he's terrified of love and his dad did treat his mom bad. He's also previously broken things from anger and has said the most awful things over nothing that he takes back later. These awful times are followed by very sweet times together. What do I do? Kick him out of this apartment because he can't control his anger and emotions? He throws tantrums like a child. I love him and want to help but I have no idea how! Thanks for any advice


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Holly,

Your boyfriend is a very lucky person to have you around. You took time to think about what he's going through and that will help him in the future.

From what I read, look like he's unconsciously replicating his childhood experience where domestic violence may had happened. He doesn't want to do that, but he also doesn't know how to deal with disappointments or rejections.

For example, when you refused to sing he either didn't have a better way to deal with it or how to ask nicely for the nth time or just let it go. Why? Because he didn't learn that from his parents. What he had been observing as a child was if your wife didn't do what you had said, yell at her. It's not entirely his fault if he behaves like what he does now. Everybody including you and me doesn't have perfect parents and there will be one or two things they by mistake had taught us when we were kids (even though some are less or more severe than most cases).

For more information about the effect of domestic violence on children, please read: http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/effect-o... - especially this paragraph: "What are the long-term effects on children who witness domestic violence?"

However, the issue needs to be resolved or it will be contagious. Your boyfriend also holds the responsibility to mend things even though he didn't cause it to happen. Your children will most likely suffer the same issue if it is let to happen without any solutions.

You can find help resources on the website I mentioned above, but here's a quick peek. Your boyfriend lacks the example of loving the right way. And I suggest not to try to solve the problem by yourself, by setting your own way of loving as an example (though I believe they're good). It's not an individual task, it's a community task. The problem rose when his community (his family) didn't work well back then, thus it must be solved by a community.

By a community I mean a group of caring people who are willingly to love both of you unconditionally, setting examples of love and sacrifice.

So if I may suggest, you can start by reading the website resource I mentioned before and look for more information about the issue. When the time is right, talk about it with your boyfriend nicely. If he doesn't get it or tries to deny, it's okay. Sometimes it's hurtful for people to get someone else into their past. You may need to wait a little longer but IMO he should recover at least most part of it before you two decided to get married.

If he's willing to seek help, start doing the recovery steps available on the link above. And I strongly suggest that prayer is certainly needed in this case. It's a big issue that will affect generations, and issues that lasts for generations are not to be fought just physically but also spiritually (your boyfriend's father might had the same experience as a child as well).

So, those are my opinion, Holly. Hope they help and I sincerely wish both of you the happiest relationship!


Lachi 2 years ago

Hi,

I am in a relationship for 7 years and we have been living together for 3 years now. Living together is not very common in our community but he wanted us to stay together so there would not be any kind of gaps in our relationship. It seemed like a perfect life and our friends think we are perfect couple. But, there is one thing bothering me. Sometimes I feel like I am being ignored and not a priority when his family involves. He is from a very traditional family, his parents are not OK for us to get married before his older brother does. They are trying to find a girl for him from a year now but with no luck. Problem is, I really want to start a family and my boyfriend does too. But, he does not want to hurt his parent's feeling by taking a bold step, which is hurting me a lot. I know he does try, but there is no progress. We have been waiting for his brother from a very long time, almost 4 years.

I feel like I am pushing him too much to a point that, I am the only one concerned and it started feeling not worth at all. We both are pretty much successful in our career. But, his brother is not. And this is the reason for everything. I am not blaming his brother, but why should i be punished for a stupid reason like this. My boyfriend said to me that we can get married once his brother finds a job and this was 2 years ago( He is been working for 1.5 years now). Every time I bring up this topic, he would give me a reason that is very convincing or a time line to wait. Now, I lost the trust and respect I had. I am very upset. I cannot sleep at night with the thought my feelings are not as important as his parents. I like that he takes care of his parents and family so much, but what about us? We talked about this so many times, argued many times too. After we talk, it seems like he would take some kind of action, but it is always me after him asking about what is next in our life. I cannot not go back now or think about another man. What should I do?


Lisa 2 years ago

Im so glad i found this page. Really hope you can give me your opinion.

We are dating for almost 4years. And my bf is very hot tempered person. Before this, he is not like that. For the past 2 year he became really hot tempered. I don't know whether he changed or he just revealed his true colours. We argue a lot,always end up he insulted me,using harsh words of course. I couldn't do anything but cry. The person i love the most is mocking me like I'm his enemy. Usually i will be the one who started to have conversation after a fight. Sadly he wont apologise at all for using harsh words. He said i was the one who made him turn into this hot tempered man. I love him so much that i couldn't afford losing him.. He pushed me over my limits, and i asked him to change and control his emotions or i will leave. And he told me to leave... This is just too heartbreaking ;'(


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Lachi,

what you and your boyfriend are going through is also familiar to me so I can get the picture. My suggestion is to talk about this matter with his family. Do it over and over, gently and over time, they may get what you mean.

Or if you've tried that before but didn't work, you can ask for someone respected by your boyfriend's family to help you talk to his family. He/she of course needs to be in line with you and your boyfriend. Maybe his uncle, respected elder in the community, or even his brother himself.

Just remember to use proper ways and discussion. If they see that they can trust that you both are sincere, they may change their mind.

All the best for all of you!


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Lisa,

thanks for stopping by. In my opinion, you did the right thing by giving him a choice of whether he changes or he'll just have to go by himself. It's true that you love him, but a relationship needs love in action from both parties or it won't work. You have the right to have a happy and healthy relationship as well.

Hence, is this the kind of relationship you'd like to be in forever? I'm sure it's not. I know that we should support our significant other but he needs to do something as well. If you've done everything and he doesn't seem to make any effort, then it's not a balanced relationship you're having. Then it is better to cease the relationship or it will destroy both of you.

I believe you'll make the best decision for him and for your sake as well, Lisa. God bless you.


sounsure 2 years ago

I have been dating my now fiancé for three years. He has a seven year old son. I take care of them both financially. I mean every little thing comes out of my pocket. I cook, clean, bath his child, and maintain a wonderful home. I am a 25 year old full time student. I manage my schedule to keep them both on track, not because I truly want too, but because if I didn't do those things life would be hell. I have allowed these things to go on for far too long. My fiancé doesn't feel the need to thank me for any of the things I do. It drives me nuts that he is 28, asks his mother for things I refuse to fund, he can't hold down a job, and interacts with his son very little. His son loves with us full time, I love the kid, but he is a total brat. Disrespectful and abusive. I feel like I've been beaten down to the point of not getting back up. I'm a good woman and I feel like I can't escape this hell, because when I've left in the past he follows me like a sick puppy.


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi sounsure,

thank you for sharing your story. It's great to know that you're doing your end of the relationship but it seems the situation is a little bit unbalanced.

There's always something can be done to give someone a wake up call, but if everything doesn't work, you can always stand for your own right of having a good life.

However, the seven years old son needs to be taken account while making a decision. Try talking to his mother to see if she sees a problem with his son. Or, (I do hope this won't be necessary) consult with the State's Social Department.

For some people, tough love is the only way to get them up and running.

I'm hoping the best for the three of you.


ipshita 2 years ago

Hi..this article is useful.but my case is quite different.i know that my boyfriend loves me but he doesn't.i'm his first and only gf.he is too immature and knows nothing about his feelings for me.he knows welk how much i love him and isn't afraid of losing me.he is preparing for his last year exams.and doesn't care to call or meet me nor when i don't call him.pls suggest


karen 2 years ago

Reading all of this makes me sure about the significance of your advice at the moment .

Me and my boyfriend met with a break up and got bak after a year ... Now its been 8 months since he came bak .. ours is long distance too bit we meet often like once in a month .. telephonic convos are rare due to must exploited reason of poor signals ..he stays at hills actually now

The problem being faced remains he gets a lot of mood swings and I feel used sometimes he just wants things his way though he says he loves me , he doesn't really show .. these days we are having issues about extreme physical intimacy... I'm just not ready for it now because I believe he doesn't. Satisfy me emotionally ... I have tried speaking to him about how he reacts and how I feel ... But he just says sorry n all and again things repeat

Must I aprise you of the fact he lost his dad 8 yrs bak and has only his mom as his immediate family ..so he often gives me the reason he is worried about the future and wants to start earning soon to support his mother.. he is in college right now pursuing engg.

I get him and support him but sometimes I feel he portrays himself to be an object of pity unnecessarily . And if he loves me y can't he give me enough time and emotional support.. I'm confused as to what am I supposed to do .. improve, continue this way and expect a change or leave .. because I can't live this way too . But I'm scared to leave because this is already our second chance .. what if I leave and he doesn't come bak and things happen for worse . Plz suggest me something relevant plz


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Ipshita,

thank you for taking the time to write. It's great to know that you love him and feel that he loves you. The thing is, he also needs to be conscious about his love for you as well. I suggest you to take some time to ask him how he feels, but don't push him.

What he's going to say and have in mind is very important. Although you're certain that he loves you but if he shows no indication or say nothing about it, there's not much we can do. We also need to respect what he is saying and his decision. You also need to respect yourself by not going for someone who doesn't have a same purpose as you do. That will only hurt both of you.

All the best!


Louis Liem profile image

Louis Liem 2 years ago from Sidoarjo Author

Hi Karen,

from what I've read - if I'm not mistaken - he's struggling to cope with difficult times. Maybe the absence of a father in his life (maybe since his early-mid life) had left him clueless of how a man should react to problems and fear of the future. That also explains why you also sense that he cannot provide time and emotional support for you, as he doesn't have enough emotional support for himself to be shared with someone else.

He wants to provide for his family but currently there's nothing much to do since he's still in college, let alone providing the emotional support you need. He might be too stressed with the thinking that there's not much he can do for his family. In my opinion, there are lots of things he needs to take care of at this moment and that is a little bit exceeding of what he has.

That could also be the explanation of why he doesn't really show that he loves you and the repeated physical intimacies. Through physical intimacy, a man feels an accomplishment (in this case accomplishment of providing for his family and for you). However, these accomplishments are just temporary because there's no real providence made. And then, the need of accomplishment will return and if he cannot resist or channel it through proper ways (working to earn, etc), he'd seek fulfillment through physical intimacies. It's not entirely his fault though, since most probably he doesn't know how this process occurs and clueless about what he should do.

In that case, you both need to seek help from adults you know are wise persons to guide you two in this relationship. They could be spiritual leaders, etc. You can also find married couples who you know are happy and loving each other in their marriage life.

Additionally, if it occurs in your mind that you need to go your own ways, you don't need to be afraid of things would be worse. Of course there's a risk of he's not coming back, but there's also a good chance that he'll eventually finish his college, get a good job, able to support his family, earn well and start a new relationship which is economically and emotionally healthier with you. You will also have the chance to expand your friendship, get good jobs, earn more life experiences and become more mature in making life decisions.

I'd like to share a principle if I may: A lifetime relationship needs to be as healthy as possible (not perfect, since no one is perfect) to become a happy relationship. Do whatever it takes to make both sides have a healthy personality before going to a lifetime commitment, even if that takes a risky decision. An unhealthy lifetime relationship is way more destructing and agonizing than living life in singleness.

God bless both of you.

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