I'm In Love With An Older Man
A Little Backstory
Once upon a time, there was a young lady who was 20 years old and an older man who was 37 years old. The math is simple. He is 17 years older than this young lady. That means when he was 17 years old, he could have fathered her. Nevermind.
This lady knew this man in particular for four years before her 20th birthday. There was always a sense of attraction, but nothing was done about it and it was ignored. After all, he was married at the time and she had a boyfriend. She also never realized how much older he was. He always seemed and behaved to be in his late 20s. He never attributed age to her, because she never behaved as a young loon. She rarely partied and preferred quiet settings of small groups.
There was an opening of the rifts (previous wife left him for greener grass) and they drew closer through talks of life, expectations, age, early life trauma, and family. They had a common ground in variety of things; taste in music, apathy for shopping, themes on survivalism, gardening, simplicity, frugality, views on education, insistence on mutual honesty and respect in relationships that we'd been lacking before, and same opinions on sexuality.
Fast forward 2 years. The common ground stood very strong. Love deepened. They have evolved to an understanding that it's not about making the other person happy, it's about making themselves happy as a unit and as individuals. Emotional security became stronger and their respective families became very supportive of them when they saw the differences in the two people. For one, they were much happier and healthier. They were supportive of each other in thriving as the people they know they are inside.
What is it with younger women and older men?
Honestly? It varies. There are a number of reasons to every different situation. I can name a few that's been brought up by my family, as well as finding similar thoughts through the means of the internet. Here are some of them.
- Attraction to the physical aspects of older men -- streaks here and there of gray hair; some older men are more attractive the older they get; the strength that bespeaks of experience.
- Attraction to the idea of more experience and capability -- they know how to handle reality like bills, they have had a lot of sexual experience.
- They may have financial stability and have attained things that are hard to attain at a younger age. This doesn't apply to us as we are quite poor, with a car that's about to break down.
- Some may seem to be a forbidden fruit.
- A buttload of maturity! Sometimes, it feels like the younger lady can get along so much better with an older man, considering that boys and men take a while to mature.
Believe it or not, sometimes age doesn't even come into the equation. What about the idea that the younger lady has fallen completely head over heels for an older man for his unique personality? Perhaps, for that case, the realization of how many years apart they are doesn't really seem a big deal when it does come up.
For me, it comes up every now and then when people ask us our ages. It's not quite uncomfortable, it's just surprising because I look at him and think, "I don't think of it because he hardly looks his age" or "I don't think of it because it never matters". You know how some people that seem physically weird to you grows on you and begin to look really attractive? Well, he is really attractive, but for as much as I'm in love with this man, his age seems so frakking irrelevant. It also surprises others who didn't know because we seem so close in age and we are so attuned to each other that it's never obvious.
But you do think about it! What about the cons of this whole thing?
Of course, I do. In a world of black and white, women should marry closer to their ages and men should not look at younger women because it leaves out the older women. Nevermind that there are younger men who are also interested in older women for their own reasons that can be similar to above. People state those things and bring it up for you when, really, you have other things to think about.
Anyway, onto the cons of the whole deal. Here are some problems that can definitely crop up for some relationships.
- Perhaps, a woman is insecure or the older man is really a douche. The younger woman could believe that when she gets older, he may want a younger woman again. If the older man in question is, in fact, a douche, this may unfortunately happen.
- The younger woman will reach her sexual peak in her 30s whereas the older man's sexuality may taper off. The problem with this logic, though, is that this actually varies and is never in a concrete timetable. But it can happen.
- The younger woman may still be strong and young enough to have to take care of her older man when he gets into his golden years.
- The older man may have children already and may not be as committed to having more with the younger woman. Or it may not even be a question of commitment, but having already taken the choice away via vasectomy in a previous marriage (which can be resolved through a reversal if the funds are available and the commitment is there).
- Again with the children, another reminder is that he is not going to be clingy to you, nor should you with him, when he devotes a lot of time with his children. You also have to remember that he made these children... with another woman. That means their mother will often be in the picture.
When you think about these things, it can be similar to a lot of problems that crop up for ANY kind of relationships. In fact, nothing is ever perfect. Ever. Resentment comes up. Conflicts comes up. What really determines a healthy relationship is the commitment to resolve, work, and communicate through these issues because the partners involved want to make it work. When partners want to make it work, the top reason for it is because they love each other. They wanted this and still do.
In our two years of relationship, we are still madly in love with each other. We still spend hours talking and we are willing to work through problems we have. We know that things can happen. Things never just NOT happen. What makes it all work is maturity, respect, and a huge dose of realism. Always speak to each other. Always remember what love is. Always be willing to recognize what mutual is, and isn't. Draw your own boundaries and go with life.
Other things to consider
- 10 reasons why dating an older man is awesome
"But I wasn't some gold digger trying to claw at his cash account, or even a woman with daddy issues. I just thought he was the hottest, funniest man I'd ever met." Exactly, and you go, girl!
- Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend | Scarleteen
This is applicable for minors who are dating men over 20s. This is definitely something to consider and pay close attention to. Just remember; it's about mutual consent and a huge dose of realism.
- Fantasies about older men....okay?
A reply I really love and it does apply here: "Reality isn't defined by legislature, any more than the difference between right and wrong are. In the real world people are attracted to others regardless of whether the government likes it or not."
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