I'm In Love With An Older Man

A Little Backstory

Once upon a time, there was a young lady who was 20 years old and an older man who was 37 years old. The math is simple. He is 17 years older than this young lady. That means when he was 17 years old, he could have fathered her. Nevermind.

This lady knew this man in particular for four years before her 20th birthday. There was always a sense of attraction, but nothing was done about it and it was ignored. After all, he was married at the time and she had a boyfriend. She also never realized how much older he was. He always seemed and behaved to be in his late 20s. He never attributed age to her, because she never behaved as a young loon. She rarely partied and preferred quiet settings of small groups.

There was an opening of the rifts (previous wife left him for greener grass) and they drew closer through talks of life, expectations, age, early life trauma, and family. They had a common ground in variety of things; taste in music, apathy for shopping, themes on survivalism, gardening, simplicity, frugality, views on education, insistence on mutual honesty and respect in relationships that we'd been lacking before, and same opinions on sexuality.

Fast forward 2 years. The common ground stood very strong. Love deepened. They have evolved to an understanding that it's not about making the other person happy, it's about making themselves happy as a unit and as individuals. Emotional security became stronger and their respective families became very supportive of them when they saw the differences in the two people. For one, they were much happier and healthier. They were supportive of each other in thriving as the people they know they are inside.

What is it with younger women and older men?

Honestly? It varies. There are a number of reasons to every different situation. I can name a few that's been brought up by my family, as well as finding similar thoughts through the means of the internet. Here are some of them.

  • Attraction to the physical aspects of older men -- streaks here and there of gray hair; some older men are more attractive the older they get; the strength that bespeaks of experience.
  • Attraction to the idea of more experience and capability -- they know how to handle reality like bills, they have had a lot of sexual experience.
  • They may have financial stability and have attained things that are hard to attain at a younger age. This doesn't apply to us as we are quite poor, with a car that's about to break down.
  • Some may seem to be a forbidden fruit.
  • A buttload of maturity! Sometimes, it feels like the younger lady can get along so much better with an older man, considering that boys and men take a while to mature.

Believe it or not, sometimes age doesn't even come into the equation. What about the idea that the younger lady has fallen completely head over heels for an older man for his unique personality? Perhaps, for that case, the realization of how many years apart they are doesn't really seem a big deal when it does come up.

For me, it comes up every now and then when people ask us our ages. It's not quite uncomfortable, it's just surprising because I look at him and think, "I don't think of it because he hardly looks his age" or "I don't think of it because it never matters". You know how some people that seem physically weird to you grows on you and begin to look really attractive? Well, he is really attractive, but for as much as I'm in love with this man, his age seems so frakking irrelevant. It also surprises others who didn't know because we seem so close in age and we are so attuned to each other that it's never obvious.

But you do think about it! What about the cons of this whole thing?

Of course, I do. In a world of black and white, women should marry closer to their ages and men should not look at younger women because it leaves out the older women. Nevermind that there are younger men who are also interested in older women for their own reasons that can be similar to above. People state those things and bring it up for you when, really, you have other things to think about.

Anyway, onto the cons of the whole deal. Here are some problems that can definitely crop up for some relationships.

  • Perhaps, a woman is insecure or the older man is really a douche. The younger woman could believe that when she gets older, he may want a younger woman again. If the older man in question is, in fact, a douche, this may unfortunately happen.
  • The younger woman will reach her sexual peak in her 30s whereas the older man's sexuality may taper off. The problem with this logic, though, is that this actually varies and is never in a concrete timetable. But it can happen.
  • The younger woman may still be strong and young enough to have to take care of her older man when he gets into his golden years.
  • The older man may have children already and may not be as committed to having more with the younger woman. Or it may not even be a question of commitment, but having already taken the choice away via vasectomy in a previous marriage (which can be resolved through a reversal if the funds are available and the commitment is there).
  • Again with the children, another reminder is that he is not going to be clingy to you, nor should you with him, when he devotes a lot of time with his children. You also have to remember that he made these children... with another woman. That means their mother will often be in the picture.

When you think about these things, it can be similar to a lot of problems that crop up for ANY kind of relationships. In fact, nothing is ever perfect. Ever. Resentment comes up. Conflicts comes up. What really determines a healthy relationship is the commitment to resolve, work, and communicate through these issues because the partners involved want to make it work. When partners want to make it work, the top reason for it is because they love each other. They wanted this and still do.

In our two years of relationship, we are still madly in love with each other. We still spend hours talking and we are willing to work through problems we have. We know that things can happen. Things never just NOT happen. What makes it all work is maturity, respect, and a huge dose of realism. Always speak to each other. Always remember what love is. Always be willing to recognize what mutual is, and isn't. Draw your own boundaries and go with life.

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Comments 21 comments

SognoPiccolo profile image

SognoPiccolo 6 years ago from Wilmington, Ohio

Age never comes to mind when I see you two together. I just see you both as perfect for each other. =) Then you get all cutesy and kissy faced...gag... lol just kidding! Love you both hehehe =)

Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee Author

Awww! Yeah, I figure we are the annoying couple. We love being in love. Haha.

We love ya, too, sweetie.

Jillian Barclay profile image

Jillian Barclay 6 years ago from California, USA

I think it is wonderful when anyone finds love! Don't question it, just be so happy you have found it! If it ever stops being great or doesn't work out, at least you had something wonderful for a time! People should never regret loving someone. Just enjoy it and remember that you are not responsible for what anyone else thinks! As for the cons, there aren't any!

dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Love has strange bedfellows with no know cast, or mold in cement rules. If it works, it works. follow your heart. We live once...

Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee Author

Jillian, the cons are fretted over by my family to some degree. More particularly, because of resentment in some of their marriages, they feel that his age would become a physical caretaking issue between us. Plus, for some reason, they're concerned with the sex! I was like, "Ahh, well, none of your business, dearies!"

I agree with you, though. That's what vexes me about other people. If you are experiencing such regret and resentment with your own love life, why cast that upon mine? I'm well aware of the risks I take for love.

Dallas, sweet words and very true. Thank you!

Me 6 years ago

It use to be an accepted practice and common for older men to get with younger women when they were of age. This is because the life span was much shorter and birthing was much more difficult for older women. Just thought I would throw that in there. We do not have those worries today, we live much longer and women can bear children at much older ages. I even read of an 60 yr old woman having babies. These days men still want younger women more so because of lust and I would speculate because it seems taboo. Either way, I know that love knows no age even though the points you hit on are dead on. Not everyone marries or hooks up because of love and there is nothing wrong with that either.

Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee Author

@Me (aka my sister),

That last sentence you just wrote is a perfect different topic altogether that needs to get written about.

As for the rest of your comments, I love it. You're right.

earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

I have enjoyed reading this hub because you get it.

It is not about age, it is about being compatible.

Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee Author

Exactly. That single sentence really summed it all up, earnests. You get it, too, and I appreciate that. Thank you for commenting and reading!

The Captain profile image

The Captain 6 years ago from The Caribbean

Well done! I think you've put it quite succinctly!

Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

So, there's hope for me after all! I honestly never think about age difference, except when it hits me that the other person does. I, like you, think it's pretty irrelevant (within reason, of course).

Freya Cesare profile image

Freya Cesare 6 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

Age just a number. What inside our heart is mean more than anything else. :)

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

My wife is nine years younger and twenty years wiser, if they don't like it tough!

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 6 years ago from London, UK

Thought provoking but If people truly love each other. Age shouldn't come into it...

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 5 years ago from USA

Nice hub. If you are really in love like you say, then you have to decide IF you are willing to sacrifice for the relationship. This is an important question. After 5 years or so, you MAY have a different perspective or may not. Celine Dion's husband is 26 yrs older! they are very happy. Their love is pure, and good. I'm glad you are happy and I hope it lasts. Older men ARE more mature and can teach you ALOT about life- there's a security there knowing they always have the best advice.

My brother and my family didn't like our age difference. As of the caretaking thing, some men are so independent they wouldn't want us to take that on...or they'd get help or they might even "release" you if that was an issue. I guess it would a chance to take if you're married, but if you're married "till death do us part..."

Kamran100 profile image

Kamran100 5 years ago

very interesting story...

henry1robertson profile image

henry1robertson 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA 90013

WOw!! this is great!.. very interesting to watch..dude

Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

"Love" is the magic word. If it is not there, the relationship either won't last, or it will be miserable regardless of age.

It appears that older men are marrying younger, especially after divorce and deceased wives. The middle aged and older women do not find mates as fast as they once did. In the case of yourself, that guy is not very old. He is still young. You have a better chance at a full, happer life than a lady in her 20's and a senior. Consider a guy in his sixties and a new wife in her 20's or 30's. She needs to be head over heels in love because time may not be long before she is babysitting him. I think that older men should think hard before marrying very young women. It is not fair that they has had over 40 years of sex life, and he is handing this new young woman maybe 10 years, give or take a few, if he does not develop health problems. Most young women would not stop that soon. Most of these older men would date or marry a young lady, but I am willing to bet that they would not want a man in his 60's or 70's to marry their young daughter.

These men are probably lonely and need love and companionship like anyone else who is young, but many young ladies are blind to the possibilities ahead and find out when they arrive. These men are more experienced and knowledgeable. If she is not prepared, this could spell disaster: unhappiness and regret, cheating, divorce, or something else. They definitely need good counseling before marriage.

Of course, if these older men are in reasonable good health, Viagra can give them a longer sexual relationship. I have not researched it, but I believe that the sudden spurt of older men and younger women marriages are primarily due to sex enhancers like Viagra. Older men are probably more confident because of them. It is probably like insurance. The young wives would have a greater chance of becoming widows before they are middle age.

Many of the younger men who choose older ladies want mommies to care for them. Poor older ladies! If they are not married before 40, the chance of it happening is slimmer than when young.

You said the magic word--love. Love, awareness, and maturity need to be in place. If the couple does not have anything like guilt of wronging someone like a ditched spouse, they deserve and should have a great life together.

J.U.L.I.E 4 years ago

I have a boyfriend who is 15 years older than me, i happen to be 20 by the way, and he has been with women younger,older,the same age as him, and he says that i am way more mature than the older woman he has met lol. But anyways, it depends on how strong your compatibility is, and where you are in life, i swear its almost like we are related because we are so much alike...in almost every aspect i don't know about you but,i think i found my soul mate

love is foreign on the spiritual planes ;)

GENIOUS 4 years ago

I just started dating a man 17 years older than me. I'm 25, he's 42. I've been dating for years now and have never felt like I've wanted to settle with any of the younger men I've encountered. This man however, is changing my whole perception of love & commitment. I am petrified about the reaction of others tho ... not so much strangers but friends and family. He is older than my oldest brother, who is 40. And though, I am sure my loved ones know that I can make a solid decision in choosing a mate -- I know still that I'll be hearing a lot of STRONG opinions in regards to my choice. Either way, this man makes me feel so loved and my only desire, at this point is to make him feel the same. Insane that this is the person that I am slowly falling for but regardless of the opinions, I think I'm down for the ride.

ruth dinoko 13 months ago

True love, honesty and respect are the best.i appreciate your comments too.but tel me how to improve sex life when dating older man

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