Why do men cheat?

It seems as if everyday I read the newspaper or watch the news on TV, there’s some new story on the latest celebrity or politician who was caught cheating on their spouse. The reporters are always asking the “experts” the same questions, “Why do men cheat?” and the reply is always the same, “Because they can!” to which my reply is always, F#*K THAT!

Can someone please help me understand why men really cheat? Do men really think it’s ok to be with anyone they want while they are in a relationship? Do they really think they won’t get caught? How do you make vows to love, honor and cherish and then be with someone else? How do you look into your partner’s eyes, kiss them, hold their hand and make plans for the future while knowing you cheated or are cheating on her? Do you really think its ok to do that to someone? Do you not understand how devastating this is to your partner when she finds out …and she will? If you care about your partner, why don’t you think about your actions?

I was reading viewer comments to an online article about the Sandra Bullock/Jessie James story and I was floored by some of the comments. As typical, the women commenting on the story were saddened by the events and were sympathetic with Sandra. I was shocked by some comments by the men stating that she might have “deserved” what she got because she was "probably a snob" and cheating on her would “take her down a notch or two.” Men, If you want to be with other women then tell your partner, break up or get a divorce and both of you can be free to live your own lives. Be a man that is honest and honorable and let the person that you once loved move on without experiencing the devastation that comes from cheating.

I’ve been married for 20 years and my world as I have always known it to be was rocked by my husbands “friendship” with another women. I don’t have proof that he had sex with her, but my gut instinct as well as some other things that went on during that time is telling me that he did. He says that he didn’t have sex with her, but he may as well have because the end result is the same. I no longer trust the one person who I should trust. As I type this, I’m crying because I have lost the person who I thought was my best friend. The person that I told all my secrets, hopes and dreams to and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I have my faults but nothing that he was not aware of. I have always acted myself even when our relationship was new; I was always me with no pretense because I didn’t want to pretend to be someone else just to have a boyfriend. I’m open to trying things and believe in trying everything at least once. I have always felt that a couple should be open and honest with each other and that there should be no sexual boundaries if both are in agreement. I always did what he asked of me and enjoyed it all. I know I’m a great momma and thought I was a great wife…so what happened? I can only think that we grew apart over the years. Even if that was the case and he no longer felt the same for me as he once did. He should of simply told me that he no longer felt the same love for me so we both could move on. I find it so disrespectful and inexcusable to lie and sneak around and I would have respected him more if he had just told talked to me and told me how he felt.

We are still together, but we no longer wear our wedding bands. Although the bands are symbolic, they stand for so much to me and the day I had mine cut off was one of the worst days of my life. The poor guy cutting the ring off thought he was hurting me because I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I don’t feel married to him anymore but I’m still holding on to the feelings of how it used to be and how much we loved each other. We have three happy, beautiful children, one who is only a year and a half so it’s a very difficult situation. I know that the right thing to do is to get a divorce and to move on, but there are many moments when it feels like it used to between us. We tried marriage counseling and after each visit, I felt worse than before the visit so we stopped going. He tells me that time will make things better but I don’t think so. I know the type of person I am and I know my limitations. I am the type of person that holds grudges! I’m also trying to keep it together because of the children, especially my baby. She loves her daddy and she wouldn’t see him as much as she does now if we were to divorce. It's hard to not think about what he did to me and us and these news stories of Tiger Woods, Jessie James, Mel Gibson, John Edwards and so on only remind me of what happened and I get angry all over again.

I feel like I’ve lost hope of every being happy again. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know what to tell my daughters anymore. Do I tell her to no longer dream about getting married and living happily ever after? Do I tell my 15 year old that the man of her dreams is just that…a dream? Do I tell her not to expect fidelity and to just accept what she can get? When my daughter asks me why men cheat…will I say, “Because they can?” I hope I'm in a better place when that question is asked because I want to believe there are still honorable, honest men in the world and I want my daughters to find that.

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Comments 9 comments

vntmktdad profile image

vntmktdad 6 years ago

I understand your frustration and your hurt. However, having experienced all the same things myself from a cheating wife, I do not think that it is confined to men who cheat. I think it is a charater flaw that infects both sexes. "Desparate Housewifes" is a show that strikes a cord because there are so many women who identify with it. All I can say is what I tell myself - live by your own high standards.


Mystique1957 profile image

Mystique1957 6 years ago from Caracas-Venezuela

Dearest sister...

Cheating on your loved one reflects utter selfishness. There can´t be any excuse whatsoever for cheating, not even if you are being cheated on. That attitude of taking for granted what you have is insensitive. I agree with your points, when something doesn´t work anymore, in spite of all the efforts, it is time to move on. It is hard to explain to children: separation, detachment, divorce.

Your best course of action is to care for your children, but above everything, Your own peace of mind! Rated up and useful.

Warmest hugs and infinite heavenly blessings,

Al


4tsom10 profile image

4tsom10 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you for your encouraging words. My children are truely the most important thing to me and will do everything I can to help them grow up to be caring, loving adults.

Nice to meet everyone on Hubpages.


Citygal226 profile image

Citygal226 6 years ago from Chicago

Just wondering.... How confident are you that your children will reciprocate? Are you prepared for the event that they DON'T?


4tsom10 profile image

4tsom10 6 years ago from Texas Author

Hi Citygal..

I feel a bit stupid, but I'm not sure what you mean with your question. Are you asking me if my daughters will ask me why men cheat?


xxscord profile image

xxscord 5 years ago from sunshine state

why man cheat? its not you its him


DisillusionedOne 5 years ago

You want a divorce due to the text messages? I know it hurts. I am still struggling to feel close and trusting with my wife again. I recently discovered she was doing some very nasty texting to one of her coworkers. It is SO hard to believe that she never had a physical relationship with him from what I read. The texts were very descriptive and sounded as if they had actually happened. She assured me that it was only texting and never anything physical whatsoever. The text that killed me is that she said she was in love with the both of us, to her friend. Her friend stated she was in the same situation. The fact that she so utterly betrayed my trust still floors me. I may know what you are going through, or I may have no idea. Needless to say, its something that you may never get over. I am starting to fear that myself.


4tsom10 profile image

4tsom10 5 years ago from Texas Author

DisillusionedOne,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I wrote this about a year and a half ago when the cheating first happened to me. I'm sorry to say that to this day, I still struggle with it. It's the "what if's" that stay on my mind. I almost wish I knew for sure that he was physical with the skank because that would have ended the marriage then and there and we both could have moved on. I love my husband so much but the fact that he had a friendship with someone else lets me know that he doesn't love me the same. I thought we shared something special but that was, I think a romantic fallacy I let myself believe. I would never have done what he did nor put myself in that situation. There have been several situations with co workers over the years that could have become inappropriate but I never went there because I did take vows and believe in them, but my husband didn't and that is what I live with everyday. Some days are great then some are really bad. I think we are in the same situation as many are and I truly hope you find trust in your wife again! Good Luck


DisillusionedOne 5 years ago

Thanks for the encouragement! Things are going well. I can forgive, but I may never forget the pain. It all boils down to, can you live with it? I know deep down that I can. If I couldn't, I would have moved on already. I hope things are better for you, as well. We all need someone to talk to! Thanks for being that someone, I sincerely appreciate it.

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