Need Help With A Passive Aggressive Husband - A True Story

My Passive Aggressive Husband

This is a true story of a friend living with a passive aggressive husband. I used to think I had a difficult husband till I heard her own dilemma. She finally opened up to talk to someone about it. She grew up thinking that issues in marriage should never be discussed with a third party as it can cause a divide in the relationship, so she kept it to herself all these years while we her friends kept on believing that she had the perfect marriage.

I just thought to share this as I know that there are people out there dealing with worse cases. Some have been lucky to get a turn around in their better half but others are not so lucky and are either living with depression or have had to get a separation.

She had been married 15 years before she realized her husband was passive aggressive. She was emotionally drained and frustrated especially as she did not know what she was dealing with initially. Now she feels cheated and disappointed that she has thrown her life away to a marriage that gave her nothing in return.

Every day for the last 10 years of her marriage she just wanted to leave her husband. But for the stigma. For the sake of family, church community and friends she endured. She was afraid of being labelled a ''failure'' as she could not make her marriage work. She was afraid she would be punished by God for even dreaming to leave as she is from a christian family. She tried all she could to be the ''perfect'' wife to make things work just to save face.

Maybe, if she was more loving. Maybe if she put his needs above hers - after all marriage was about compromise. She took the blame for everything. It must have been her fault for him acting the way he is acting now. He never used to be like that.

The ''Perfect'' Start of a Relationship

When Sarah first met her husband Ian, he was the perfect gentleman. You know the kind you see and you just feel like you connect on so many levels. He was loving and eager to please her. He always let her have her way and she always won the few arguments they had.

Life was going on smoothly or so she thought. She had not really noticed any changes until she decided to take time off work to raise their 2 children. That was when it all started...

After the first 5 years of her marriage, she began to feel lonely and unhappy. She was afraid to share her fears with anyone since she was sure she may be the problem. If she had opened up to me then, I would have said she was crazy as we could see from the outside that Ian loved her very much and would give up anything for her.

It was at this stage she started noticing his passive aggressive traits, but she could not put a name to it as she had never heard of the disorder before. Her husband came from a dysfunctional family and she felt lucky that he was 'different' from them. Now she knows she was totally wrong. What she thought was him being cool and calm was actually him being cold and calculating.

His Cruel traits just fits the description

Ian was easily frustrated which he blamed the pressure at work (mind you he was self employed). He would get angry when she did something he thought was the wrong way but he would never talk about it. He became distant. It was her fault that his business was not progressing. It was her fault that he has not fulfilled his life goals. It was her fault that he drank too much. It was ALL her fault.

Sarah tried to talk to her husband about the changes she had noticed in him that was making her unhappy, but it was never the right time to discuss anything. As far as he was concerned she was to demanding of him.

He always talked her down, criticized her. In his head he was the perfect person. Only him knew how to do things right.

The constant lies were frustrating. He would lie about everything and his excuse was that he did not want too hurt her or put her through any trouble when in truth he was actually afraid of what she might say. He never discussed issues relating to their finances, how the money coming in was being spent. He would lie about little things that he did not even need to lie about. It was just a habit with him. She had become so paranoid with his lies that If he told her that the sky was blue, she would have to think about it and wonder why he has made that observation and what he is scheming.

He would never keep to promises he had made. She only then came to realize that the so-called promises he made was just to get her off his back. Whenever she expressed a need or desire, he would promise to do more, saying he loved her and only wanted her to be happy, but he would never follow through on the promise or even take any action to show that he had taken her complaints on board.

All the time she supposedly got her way with him or won any arguments, it was because he was afraid of confrontation and would just give in. Communication with him was one-sided with her doing all the talking and him doing all the listening.

Close to Giving Up on her Passive Aggressive Husband

Sarah bore all of this and more. He had hit her once in anger and she was so sure she would leave him, but how does she tell her friends and family that her perfect marriage is going up in flames.

She started reading self-help books to help improve her marriage and make her a better person and that was when she stumbled upon the word passive aggressive. Her husband was all of it. Now she knew she was not crazy and that was when she told me about all she had been going through. I was in shock as I was going through marital issues as well but not as deep rooted as hers.

I was going through counselling myself and adviced her to seek professional help. But first, I asked her to speak to her husband about it and if possible give him an ultimatum to make changes or she would leave him.

She has spoken to him about it and they are going through therapy together. Although she has read a lot of negative experiences about how people with passive aggressive traits don't change but things seem to be looking up and we are praying for the best.


Seek Help

Just like my friend Sarah, many are going through this sick kind of relationship called Marriage. Living in fear of being labelled, dying in silence and wilting away. Loss of self-esteem, loss of self worth.

My advice for this kind of problem or any marital problem at all would be to protect your dignity and self worth at all cost. Keep your friends and family close to you at trying times. I would rather the world judge me than for me to kill myself with depression trying to change a husband on my own. Most importantly seek help. Any help is better than none at all.

Please feel free to share your experiences and how it turned out for you.

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Comments 2 comments

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 5 years ago from Southern California

Well said. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I could have been your friend with all the similar experiences. I didn't even know what PA was until my ex left me in a state of complete chaos and confusion. He dropped the "D-bomb" on me by saying "everything in the marriage was what I wanted" and he was too afraid to say anything "to keep the peace between us." So his pent up resentment forced him into the arms (and legs) of another woman and THEN he had the courage to cut ties with me. All the while, assuring me how much he loved me and how "happy" he was. Until you've been through the completely draining experience of living with a PA person, you have no idea how miserable life is because of someone else. They literally know how to press your buttons, and when you lose control (and don't even know why) they point their finger and call you the "crazy person" for blowing your top. Ever since my ex left, my life is so peaceful and calm. Turns out, I'm NOT the crazy person after all, but now I don't have anyone crawling under my skin. Being single is a relief now compared to living with PA. Thanks for sharing-- very useful tips on spotting the behavior.


xixi12 profile image

xixi12 5 years ago from Everywhere but here. In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved. You can never be truly free till you have the discipline to manage it. Author

That must have been a big blow for you wonderful1. Living your life for someone only for them to turn around and say they don't want you. Great to know you have your life back now at least he is now the other woman's problem.

Thanks for sharing

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