How to Mend a Broken Relationship

Pride can end a relationship but humility goes a long way. Things will not be easy but take one step at a time.  (Photo Courtesy of Christine Guevarra)
Pride can end a relationship but humility goes a long way. Things will not be easy but take one step at a time. (Photo Courtesy of Christine Guevarra)

Suppose you call your partners or friends as “a bum. . . so damn . . . really stupid . . . an idiot . . .” and a lot of other harsh words just because you were angry. We said so many mean things. We can no longer take our words back. We have been hurt. So we fought back. We just expressed our feelings. You have a long term relationship but it all suddenly ended. It has been strained. It has been damaged. We felt it is already hopeless to patch things up. But you said that you love your partner. You love your family. You love your friends. You value them so much. Can we still mend a broken relationship?

Remember our last article on Factors Why People Fight? We cited the factors and several things we fought about that affect us. If we get the whole picture of these factors, we will be able to understand our partners, families and friends better than we usually do. We will have more chances of fixing our broken relationship and starting a new one by remembering this most important word - - - PATIENCE!

PRAY

- If you don’t believe in prayers, then ask somebody to pray for you. You don’t have to be a too religious person to pray. Nobody needs to know that you are praying. It is a relationship between you and our heavenly Father. Express yourself. Say it through prayer. A prayer should always be our first recourse rather than our last resort.

If you feel that two of your friends are fighting over something . . . so Pray

If you feel that you hate your friend because he has betrayed you . . . so Pray.

If you feel that your relationship has been strained because of harsh words . . . so Pray

If you feel that you hate your mom because she favors your other siblings over you . . . so Pray

If you feel that you hate your boss because he is too strict and shouts often . . . so Pray

If you feel that your fiancée or husband is cheating over you . . . so Pray

If you feel that you were hurt . . . so Pray

A bible verse in Philippians 4:6 says “In everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” Nothing is more powerful than a sincere prayer to mend a broken relationship.

ACCEPTANCE

- After our prayers, we also have to do our part. Here are four steps to acceptance - - -

First, we need to accept that we have made a mistake. Oh yes, I know. It was not your mistake but he was the one who did you wrong. Almost everyone of us says that. I understand but in any relationship it has to be a give and take process. You were right. He started the fight. However, you might have not contributed to the big balls of fire if you didn’t give in to your anger. Our biggest mistake is we failed to control our temper and pride. Accept it!

Secondly, we need to accept the situation. We made a mistake. Our partners and friends made their mistakes. We were hurt and we hurt them in return. We now have a strained relationship.

Thirdly, we need to accept that we still want our relationship to continue. Not unless you are willing to patch things up between you and your partner, between you and your friends, or between you and your parents or siblings, then nothing will change. We need to accept that we are willing to do our part in mending our broken relationship.

Lastly, we need to accept that each of us have our own strengths and weaknesses. It doesn’t mean that if we are together again, everything will go well. Not unless we learn to accept each other’s positive and negative areas, we will have a hard time understanding each other.

TALK TO THE PERSON

- Let us say, there were three of you in your group. If two of them had disagreements with each other, then all of you were affected. It ended up in a strained relationship. If we are already done with the four steps to acceptance, we now need to talk to the person or people involved. But I don’t want to do the first move? Just think of this, pride ends it up but humility goes a long way . Things will not be easy but take one step at a time.

First, go to your closest friend and tell him/ her that you want to patch things up between the three of you. Express your feelings. Tell your friend that you love both of them. You are hoping that the three of you will be together again.

Secondly, probe and ask questions to verify the other person’s view of reconciliation . Questions such as “Do you miss those times that we were all together? How do you feel about it? How did he/ she hurt you? What can I do to bring back the old times? How about giving our relationship a second chance?” Never interrupt while your friend is still talking. That’s a No, No! If you can possibly convince her to go with you and talk to your other friend then, it is much better. If not, don’t force her because it would make things worst. Just inform her that you plan to talk to your other friend. Do the same process with your other friend.

Lastly, set an appointment in a private place where the three of you can meet and talk. Tell them that time heals and all you need to do is to give your relationship another chance to work out.

If there is no third party involved then you can settle things by expressing your feelings and probing questions in order to understand your partner.

Just remember this when you talk to the person, do not expect anything in return if you give something. It will surely make you unhappy.

An open communication strengthens a relationship.  (Photo Courtesy of Christine Guevarra)
An open communication strengthens a relationship. (Photo Courtesy of Christine Guevarra)

INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER

- Make sure that you continue to communicate with each other. Take time-out from your busy schedule. Set activities that will make you all enjoy the day. Get updates about the other person if you have not been together for quite sometime. This creates an open communication between you and your partners, family or friends. An open communication strengthens a relationship. However, always remember not to commit the same mistake. Try to control your temper and your pride. Stand as a mediator if you were not directly involved in your friends’ fight. Let them feel closer to each other.

EVALUATE YOURSELF

- There are two types of mindset, which are the Fixed Mindset and the Growth Mindset. A Fixed Mindset is when your mind is already fixated on something. For instance, we already have an advanced computer technology but your mindset is still stuck with the old technology of using a typewriter. Another example is when a person who experienced wild fire. He lost everything. He thinks that there is no longer hope to survive. The other type is the Growth Mindset that is the person thinks that he can still do something in order to surpass all obstacles in life. He is open to new ideas and technology. He is willing to learn and grow.

This step is simply a self-evaluation of what type of mindset do you want to adapt and actions you are willing to take. Ask yourself, am I willing to adapt a Growth Mindset or a Fixed Mindset in our relationship? Am I still stuck with all those doubts and worries in mind? What have I done to hurt my partner or friend? What can I do to settle things? Up to what extent do I want to go? Are we compatible? Do I still enjoy his/ her company?

NURTURE SELF and RELATIONSHIP

- In the book Living, Loving & Learning written by Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D., he said that “Love is learned, fear is learned, prejudice is learned, hate is learned, concern is learned, responsibility is learned, commitment is learned, respect is learned, kindness and gentility are learned. All of these are learned in a society, in the house, in a relationship.”

A person who refuses to learn will have a hard time mending a broken relationship. Just like our physical body, we need to eat to live and to grow. We need to go to church to nourish our spiritual being. Our individual self and our relationship need to be taken care of in order to have a healthy relationship. How? You can read self-help and inspirational books that may also give you ideas.

CONSULT EXPERTS

- It is always helpful to learn from another person’s experience. It depends upon the situation of how deep or shallow our strained relationship. We can always consult our dilemma or difficulties with the experts. We can seek advice from Life Coaches, Marriage Counselors and Guidance Counselors. They are the experts in terms of handling human relationships. We can also discuss things with our Church Priests or Pastors. They can also pray for us. If you think your case is too complicated, then perhaps, you can go and see a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist. These people have an advanced knowledge to help you analyze your situation.

You may also ask your parents to share their experience about their relationship. You may also learn from their thoughts and experiences. Just be open minded at all times. However, you will always have to make your final decision.

EXTEND TRUST and SUPPORT

When we want to mend a broken relationship, we need to adapt a Growth Mindset. We need to be willing to give that relationship another chance. By so doing, we then need to extend trust and support to each other. I understand that it is not easy to trust the person again who has cheated you. It is hard. But not unless you trust him/ her again, you will always have doubts in your mind. Support one another. Instead of asking, what can my partner or friends do to me? Why not try asking yourself, what can I do to him to make him happy and grow?

In whatever relationship we have. . . PATIENCE will always work out. However, we always need to bear in mind the importance of understanding relationship communication. Mending a relationship doesn’t stop here. Perhaps, we can discuss in details on “How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship” in a separate article.

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Comments 23 comments

prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

need I ask more, this is complete already, Prayers heal yes, Good day and thank you TinaV, smile, Maita


TINA V profile image

TINA V 6 years ago Author

I hope this article would also help our readers.

Thank you for your comment.

Have a good day, Maita!


AJ 6 years ago

This article is very good...I am currently dealing with a failed relationship that ended on "good" terms. I miss my ex and our relationship was great, I just think my lack of supportive towards him during a big decision hurt his feelings. I am now praying that he can try at out relationship again and make it work because I believe he is God sent.


TINA V profile image

TINA V 6 years ago Author

Hi AJ, I am sorry to hear about you and your ex. But I believe that there is hope for another chance if both of you are willing to work it out. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. I hope these steps that I shared in this article would help both of you to make things better and end up in a healthy relationship. Hope is within our reach, we only have to hold on to it. Just do the first step, pray, seek God's help and put your trust on Him. In His time, He will answer your prayers.

If you have the time, please do read my other articles about Relationship Communication. I believe that it will give you a bigger picture of what to do. I wish both of you the best. Thank you for checking out this hub.


kpprobst profile image

kpprobst 6 years ago from Columbus,. Georgia


TINA V profile image

TINA V 6 years ago Author

Hi kpprobst,

Thank you for checking out this hub. I believe that prayers can do wonders in our life. As it is written in Luke 11:9 - "Ask, and it will be given to you." I hope that this article will help others resolve their relationship conflicts in life.

I really appreciate that you shared your blogspot about marriage. Have a great week!


Leo 5 years ago

Hello Tina,

I had a big problem with drugs for years. I was addicted and didn't know how to get rid of them. I had a very close friend and we had a falling out because I was very rude and I couldn't control myself. I had a mental psychosis and was very angry and beligerent. I really want to mend this relationship. I sent him an email explaining how I really feel. I don't know if he'll answer it but I really want to know what to say so that he'll let me explain to him why I acted the way that I acted. I was very mean and rude but I feel it wasn't my fault because I was on steroids and was angry and irritable all the time. But I take full responsibilty for my actions even though I was addicted. I want to let him know that I am a different person now and that im not full of drama. He was a very close friend and I cant imagine losing him forever. I already haven't seen him in 4 months and I really miss him. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks


TINA V profile image

TINA V 5 years ago Author

Hi Leo,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I understand how you feel about the situation. It is also a great step to take full responsibility for the mistake. If you think that you have tried doing the things that I’ve mentioned in this article, first try to ask yourself the following questions:

1. How sober am I with my drug addiction?

2. What changes have I done for others to believe that I am now a different person?

3. Have I seek professional help for my drug addiction and mental psychosis?

These questions will help you evaluate the situation. You cannot expect others to believe you that you are a different person if they couldn’t seen any changes within you. That goes with your friend; it would be difficult for him to believe that you are a different person if he hasn’t heard or see any changes. I assume that you both have common friends. Should these friends see better changes in you, they themselves would definitely tell your close friend. This is one way that he will believe you that you indeed change as a person and that incident will not happen again.

Drug addiction and mental psychosis disorder needs professional help. It would be difficult for a person to control it without any assistance from the experts. Give some thought and consideration about this.

Secondly, read over and over again the e-mail that you sent to your friend. Ask yourself - - -

1. How did I explain the way I really feel? Did I sound defensive about the incident?

2. Did I apologize in the e-mail?

3. Did I ask him to give me a second chance?

4. Did I ask him to meet with me to make up for what happened?

Your answer to these questions will help you evaluate the message that you have relayed to him. In this way, you will be able to assess if you have conveyed the right message or not.

Thirdly, you can send him cards during special occasions such as the last Valentine’s Day, birthday, Easter, anniversary, etc. Remembering special occasions can help lighten up one’s heart. Express to him that he will always be your friend no matter what happens. In this way, you still express your sincerity to mend the broken relationship.

Lastly, give him some leeway to heal whatever hurt or pain he may be experiencing right now. But it takes a lot of patience and hard work. Time can heal one’s broken heart and that includes your broken relationship.

You have to face the fact that you don’t have any control over him. You cannot change him, unless he wants to. But you have control over yourself. You can only change your own. However, you can win him over if you change the way you think and do things.

I hope these things will help you mend your relationship with your close friend. God bless you.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

Great advice Tina. Thank you dear one.


TINA V profile image

TINA V 5 years ago Author

Thanks Micky! I hope this will help those who have relationship concerns. Have a great week!


alyssa 4 years ago

Hey,nice article,I've been with this guy for nearly over a year its been great,but we've been on and off throught the year and we always managed too pray about it and mend things, we recently broke up and I thought I would care anymore but now I'm at the point were I'm really heart broken I want him back but I'm scared of rejected I don't even know where too start,what too do or say.


alyssa 4 years ago

What do I say too him? How do I start? With a simple hi or I miss you?


TINA V profile image

TINA V 4 years ago Author

Hi Alyssa,

You can start with a simple "hi or hello" just to open a conversation. There's nothing wrong with being friends with your ex-boyfriend. However if your relationship is an off and on thing, I suggest you try to go out with other guys first before you decide to go back to him. An off and on thing is not a healthy sign for a relationship. You might only be disappointed about it. Perhaps, you and him need to get to know each other first before you jump again into a committed relationship. In this way, you'll be able to sort out your feelings with each other. You can also check if you and him have problems of communicating with each other; which is a big factor in developing a healthy relationship. I hope this helps you. God bless.


kunal2012 4 years ago

Hi TINA V,

Its really nice that you included prayers.I am in depression right now as i broke up with a girl whom i met 7 months ago.In starting i was not serious in the relationship as she herself fell from her side for me.Later on i was serious from last 2 months.It was a long distance relation.I really don't want to loose that girl as i still have feelings for her.I asked her giving a last chance.Am not able to get over her.Being a friend hurts right now as she talks as if we don't know each other from just a previous day.I have been posesive during times as it was a long distance relation , it was natural..Do i still have chances to get back her again ? I feel i should keep patience and i just need to stay in contact with her.Am so bugged.


TINA V profile image

TINA V 4 years ago Author

Hi kanul2012,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Everything in life deserves a second chance, and that includes your relationship with your ex-girlfriend. Try to talk to her and give each other some space to grow. It may hurt you, but it will also help mend your broken relationship. Being too possessive can ruin good things in your life. Learn to trust your partner. On the other hand, long distance relationship can still work if you have the right attitude. Try to check out my other hub:

5T + 1 in a Long Distance Relationship

http://tina-v.hubpages.com/hub/long-distance-relat...

I hope this will help enlighten you, and make things work for you and your girlfriend. God bless


Taylor 4 years ago

Thank you for writing this hub. I've been looking to see if it's possible to fix a broken relationship and I believe it is. The man I've been seeing is 45 and I'm 26. We have a great relationship but he is divorced and I believe he is scared of getting hurt or his 3 boys getting hurt. We both have fears about relationships. I'm not good at communicating and he is scared in general but I feel if him and I work together we can over come this. I truly believe that this can work. I've had relationships in the past but the feelings I get with this one are completely different and I feel this could be something really beautiful and long lasting. Thank you for posting this, I do believe in the power of prayer, and I'm praying and putting my faith that him and I can get through this. He broke up with me but we are going to have lunch Friday. I'm praying that god will help me say everything from my heart and that he will be open to moving forward with me and working on our issues together so we can both shine.


Taylor 4 years ago

Sorry if this is a repost, I posted earlier and now I don't see my post. Thanks for writing this.i do believe that prayer is a powerful tool and I believe prayer can make a big difference. I'm 26 and the man I've been seeing for 8 months is 45. We recently were in an argument and told me that we needed to end this and not see each other anymore. In my mind I truly believe that he is scared of commitment because he is divorced with 3 kids. He got into a relationship right after the divorce and she just broke up with him randomly. I truly believe he is broken from all this. When I'm with him I feel like we can make it through despite the obstacles in our way. I truly care for him and I love him, and I feel deep down inside that we can make it. I just want to be a positive influence in his life and in his kids life. And I hope he forgives me for any pain that I have caused. I really believe in this relationship. He has agreed to meet with me for lunch to talk this out, please pray for me that I will be able to tell him my heart and he will be receptive. Maybe I'm dumb for believing so hard, but I feel a different feeling, and in my mind it works. Do you think there is still a chance?


TINA V profile image

TINA V 4 years ago Author

Hi Taylor,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps, most people will say that age doesn’t matter. However, I would say that your 19 years age gap does matter; but definitely, there is a chance that your relationship can still work. It must be a two-way relationship; which means that even how much you love him but if he is not willing to work things out, you may encounter problems that can affect your relationship. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. How far do you want to go with this relationship? Do you foresee yourself getting married with him someday?

2. How well do you really know him? Have you met his family (kids, parents & siblings)?

3. How ready are you to raise 3 kids that came from his first marriage?

4. How financially stable is he to support his 3 kids?

These questions will help you decide your readiness to pursue this relationship. On the other hand, here are some suggestions:

1. Sincerely discuss with him your situation and be open with your feelings; but also be prepared with his response whether it is bad or good.

2. If both of you is willing to work things out, you must both give your commitment to each other. Extend support to each other, but AVOID loaning or giving away a large sum of money.

3. Consider to set time to spend with each, but be open also to give space for your personal life. If possible, spend time with his kids too.

4. Identify his strengths and weaknesses as a person. Be prepared to accept his weaknesses because it is a fact that you cannot change him unless he wants to, but you can only try to influence him to do better.

5. Be prepared to encounter differences in your priorities that may be caused by your age gap.

6. If things don’t work out, be ready to let go. There is a high statistics that second, third and so forth ended up in a divorce. But each case is different; if possible, both of you and his kids should also attend church or pray together as a family.

I hope this helps you. God bless you.


John 4 years ago

Hi Tina,

Thanks for expanding mine Knowledge on relationship.

Remain Inspired.


TINA V profile image

TINA V 4 years ago Author

Hi John,

I really appreciate your comment. Thank you. Have a great week!


Usman85 3 years ago

Tina, Thank you. Thank you so much for such an amazing source for help. I hope my situation goes down well tomorrow x


Arian 3 years ago

Hi Tina,

Thanks for the Article. My boyfriend and I are have been together for nearly 3 years. We have a long distance relationship. When i finally had the chance to visit and be with him, I discovered he had an affair with a woman and got her pregnant twice and both of it were terminated. I was so hurt and left him to think. I want to give him this last chance, because he told me that I am the one he wants to be with. He even proposed to me.

Right now I've been having trouble trusting him. I have prayed, accepted and forgiven him, but forgetting what he did would be the hardest part.

I would like to know your honest opinion, Am i doing the right thing? Will cheaters change? Will i be able to trust him again without being paranoid?

Thanks in advance.


TINA V profile image

TINA V 3 years ago Author

Hi Arian,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have another article entitled “5T + 1 in a Long Distance Relationship”, which you might be interested to read. Here’s the link

http://tina-v.hubpages.com/hub/long-distance-relat...

In my opinion, it takes a lot of hardwork to achieve a successful relationship; but from time to time, it will still be subjected to all sorts of trials and difficulties that need to be settled, even if you get married. To address your questions, here are my suggestions:

Am I doing the right thing?

For me, a relationship without trust is a doubtful marriage or partnership. It also takes time to regain a trust that was lost. This is the reason why you can forgive him; but you’re still having difficulty forgetting the situation.

Suggestions:

1) Discuss your feelings with your boyfriend. Tell him what are your expectations and hesitancy in pursuing your relationship with him. Be honest and open. Also, be prepared to listen to him. Check if he’s willing to wait to save your relationship.

2) Seek counseling first before getting married.

3) Read the book of Proverbs in the Bible to learn the wisdom of life.

4) Ask yourself these questions:

a) Is your relationship worth another chance?

b) Are you willing to take the risk and be prepared to get hurt again if he commits the same mistake?

c) Are you willing to try to trust him again and forget the bad situation?

d) Are you still going to maintain a long distance relationship or not?

e) How do you see yourself being together with him 3 to 5 years from now?

Your answer to these questions will help you determine if you are making the right choice. Pray for guidance in making a decision.

Will cheaters change?

Everyone has the chance to change from their old characters or old habits to becoming a new person. But this is a choice that must be made by the person himself. You can influence somebody to change; but nobody can control somebody unless he wants to. Nevertheless, miracles can still happen.

Will I be able to trust him again without being paranoid?

Perhaps, your answer to this question will depend on your response to the abovementioned suggestions. But there is always a possibility to gain back the trust of another person. If you are willing to forget that situation, do not bring it up each time you argue over little things. It will not help rebuilding the trust in your relationship.

I hope this will help you. God bless!

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