Relationship Problems: Online Dating Advice

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He Stinks, She Screams: The Dating Experience Not What You Planned

It seems lately your experiences online have been less than favorable. "What's up with these people?" You might ask. "Is everyone desperate to have sex?" What about those people you meet and they don't look as good as their photographs, have a body odor, a bad habit, or have an uncontrollable temper? There are a lot of bad apples out there, but believe it or not, there are some good apples (but they are flawed too,) you just have to catch them when they are online. The good ones are usually somewhat busy with a job and/or relatives and friends. The last thing an active person wants to be with is a couch potato, but so many settle with just that knowing they will have future disputes. The bad apples are just that, bad--rotten to the core. They have unresolved issues; yet, no matter what you say or do to try to help, they will find fault with you and everyone around them. No matter how nice-looking, try to keep away from those!

One reason why so many of us have past relationship problems is due to a lack of listening skills. Those people we once were committed to was our megaphones. They told us much about ourselves in what they said or didn't. We argued with them and told them they didn't know what they were talking about. We took the same finger they pointed at us and we pointed it back. We may have been right about standing up for ourselves, but before long we were back on the dating scene looking at people on the street and checking profiles on the Internet. Did we ever address those issues that others in our past relationships pointed out? Did we see some truth in what they said and worked to keep it out of future relationships?

The best advice is sometimes no advice at all from those on the outside looking in. Rather, the answers we seek to the following question, "Why can't I find someone?" often come from within. Why can't you find someone who completes you? Why do you settle? Could it be you have high standards or very low ones that anyone could sleep with you?

I don't know about you, but when I had those "in between time in the meantime" moments of singleness in my life, I learned a lot about me. I l established boundaries with each opportunity I had to date and at times went with the flow. I discovered my weaknesses too! I was weak for that "in love" feeling, but not necessarily sold on committing. I found that I was that "all or nothing" type and I still am. In my new relationship, I either want the whole man or nothing at all. I don't want to have to compete with his job, relatives, children or anyone else. He is very good about trying to keep things balanced.

So as you conduct your search online and/or pen emails to potential mates, keep in mind that the person on the receiving end may be your match, but may be not, either way, at least learn from your experience. If he stinks when you meet him, help him out with a nice bottle of cologne and then drop a hint about how you love a man who smells good! If she screams over the littlest of things, you might want to find out if she sincerely wants to be with someone and mention how you love a woman who is soft-spoken and easy to get along with. It's the simple things that just might help you or they in the future.

I Met Him Online...

I wasn't interested in dating offline. The men in my area were either in the military or spoke a foreign language, so I took to the Internet. It was then, that I took advantage of a free offer to search a dating profile site.  I  spent hours surfing many males' profile pages.

Most of the guys I saw on the site wanted a woman that didn't give them any "drama" and they were looking to have "fun." Reading between the lines of text, I knew many of these men really meant to say, "I am drama seeking anyone who is willing to sleep with me."

I didn't think that there was anything wrong with meeting men online--although I did have some reservations about it since I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. In some weird way, I thought I was cheating on Him. Yet, I allowed my flesh to override my spirit and that's when I met bad date number one.

Now I don't recommend anyone meet a person online unless you are 100% sure this is what you want to do, otherwise you waste people's time. Although, I started feeling like I wanted to cancel the date, I pressed on anyway. Looking back, I wish I had never met him, because there was no attraction on my part toward him. During this time in my life (back in '05), I had backslid in my walk with God. I actually lost a lot of faith in the Creator, because I thought that a previous relationship (that I had often prayed about) would have gotten better and it didn't. Some how I reasoned that God didn't care much about me. But I was wrong.

God made it possible for me to move on without acting desperate or settling with a date that I obviously had zero attraction. The man also turned out not to be a stalker which I was grateful for back then--we realized at the first date we were definitely not meant for one another.

I know it is hard to date without feeling pressure to have sex (been there.) But if you are a believer, do what you can to avoid the temptation until you know that God has ordained your online date to be in your life. He or she may not be a romantic interest after all and may be better suited to help you in your business endeavors. Notice I titled this entry, "I Met Him Online" the first problem was "I." I should have been at home waiting and praying for the one God willed for my life. Yet, my selfish desires put me in a position that when I did meet my online date, we were out of public view at one point during the date, and he could have hurt me real bad since I didn't like him very much.

So if you are a woman interested in dating men online, do be careful and seriously think about what it might be like to have that man you chat with online in your life forever.  Read between the lines of text and study those photographs to see what these online dates may be hiding and most of all, if you are spiritual, please do pray.

Feel free to share this with someone you care about who is moving a little too fast with all this on-line dating stuff.

Dating Deal Breakers

Responsible Online Dating: What Does it Look Like?

If you have been dating people online and have yet to meet them in person, most likely there is quite a few things about them that you don't like, question, or simply don't trust. I eventually did meet someone that I settled down with and had a family. I saved all our correspondence and I can tell you from personal experience what responsible online dating looks like.

1. The dating experience remains online until you are good and ready to meet in person.

You don't chance your personal safety by jetting out in the night air and meeting this guy or gal at their home or at a hotel. Rather, you meet in a public place and preferably not at your home on the first date (I did that with a relative present and luckily nothing bad happened, but what if it had?)

2. You don't give money or do any other favors when you barely know this person.

Neither I or he asked for anything not even a click on a referral link or business partnership with a home business. It is never good to start listing all your money problems in the hopes of getting something. Although some do it, the question I would have for them, "Did it get you any further in the dating relationship? Are you in the number one spot?"

3. Someone in your family knows about this person who keeps your attention online.

If he or she is really someone that you intend on meeting one day, you wouldn't be embarrased to tell relatives, co-workers or friends about him or her, would you? If so, then you have already started the relationship on a bad foot! If you sincerely are serious about the relationship, you will print the person's picture and post it for all to see (I did this without even meeting him in-person.)

4. When you finally meet your date, you look and act your best.

As much as it maybe tempting for some to "keep it real" on the first date, I wouldn't suggest it. Past girlfriends of mine are running through their online dates like a roll of toilet paper doing this! You definitely don't want to turn your date off upsetting him or her as soon as you meet this person. Then again, do "keep it real" and you will make this person's choice in a date very easy, in the end, it won't be you.

5. Respect privacy and space.

When you are just learning some things about a person, you don't want to treat them like someone on a witness stand being questioned by a lawyer. When there are things the person doesn't want to talk about, then allow he or she to avoid the topic of conversation--why argue?  Well, you might say, "I must know!  What if he has a disease...children...been in jail!" Just make a note to yourself that if he or she is quiet about an issue then what else could this person be hiding? Also, when meeting the date in person, respect his or her household. One thing I don't like is shoes on my carpet.  I have children and I like to sit on the floor, so I expected my date to do like we do, take his shoes off at the door. After the second date, he did just that, with no complaint or criticism. I had no problem inviting him back. It would have been sad had he gave me problems about this, because we would have never had the family we now have. Seems a bit much for some people to digest, but hey, everyone has their share of rules about a lot of things including touching their stereo system in the car on the first date.

Responsible online dating shouldn't be up for discussion if people would act responsibly, but we know they don't. You have people typing in all caps--shouting at you. Others are cursing and misspelling simple words while others are sending practically nude photos to strangers. If you are looking for a man or woman to complete you, he or she should respect you.

You Have To Love Yourself Before You Can Love Anyone Else.

On Dating Older Men

In the past, I have dated my share of mature men and I found that with each I dated I learned a lot about them and most of all, I discovered some things about myself. One thing I thought about while dating these men, between 10 and 20 years older than me, is that I apparently had a side to me that was an old soul. A few validated my thought. There must be something within that seems to attract far more older men then my own age and younger. I will be honest, I wasn't happy about this discovery at a mere 20 years at the time. Secretly, I really wanted to be with men my own age, but I must admit we just didn't mesh. The maturity factor was one issue and my impatience was another. I am just not a silly, free-spirited type these days. Maybe during my twenties, but not now. So I don't really have the patience to sit and talk about whatever while laughing at nothing. For me, life feels short nowadays, and I don't want to waste any valuable time pretending I am enjoying myself with someone when I'm not. Anyway...

I have maintained a blog for some time now primarily giving advice to younger women about older men; however, the mature men can learn a thing or two as well. To learn more, just click here.

Some Thoughts About My Own Relationship Experiences

After years of dating experience, the following is just some things I learned and hopefully you won't make the same mistakes as your relationship progresses.

One thing that I learned is never tell your family anything about anyone you aren't convinced will be "that one." You tell them prematurely what your intentions are, they will talk you out of them. Tell them too late and you become an enemy. Timing is key and your personal feelings are the stopwatch.

I also learned to not date someone just because you are comfortable with the way they look and you know your family won't give you any flack about it. I recall there were so many men who I had more in common with, but I didn't choose them because I was hung up on this thing about dating my own race thanks to listening to ignorant people.

Another thing I learned is don't obligate yourself to someone just because they are interested in you. This was a huge lesson for me, because I found myself working hard to want to like someone that I wasn't really all that attracted to. I silenced that little voice that screamed, "He's not the one" far too many times.

In addition, I learned that when the writing is on the wall, don't try to erase it, change the wording, or try to make the words say what you want them to say. If he lied, that makes him a liar. Took something without asking, a thief. More interested in his own accomplishments and less interested in yours, self-absorbed. There were so many signs that screamed, "Not compatible." But was I listening?

Sometimes we are so concerned with that one little thing that a person has that makes our flesh tingle, meanwhile we ignore many things that make our stomachs ache inside. I don't believe I really knew just how special I was when I was with these men; therefore, I gave myself away for a bargain basement discount--lol! They weren't complaining, because they knew what other women were charging.

Over the past 13 years, many of my relationship articles, poems, stories, advice and other things evolved from my personal experiences. I didn't need to read a book to figure out how to convey my thoughts on a number of relationship issues like: dating, cheating, abuse, spirituality, and the like. There was also a lot to be said about being in relationships with older men and raising a family which you will find on two of my blogs: whenmotherscry.blogspot.com and tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com I had truly discovered the good, the bad and the ugly about me while being involved with these men and the things men will do to try to convince you that they are "good" when they are really bad.

Nicholl McGuire

Feeling Jealous, Insecure and Comparing Self to the Ex

They Remember...

© 2011 Nicholl McGuire

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Comments 5 comments

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Voted UP! Awesome! Useful! Way to go! Loved this hub. And your lay-out/artwork IS EXCELLENT! Keep the great hubs coming!


Ninjadater profile image

Ninjadater 4 years ago

Online dating, my how it has GROWN! I have to say though, back in the mid-90's, people were really weird about doing it, now....there are just plain weirdos out there! lol


nmcguire7 profile image

nmcguire7 20 months ago from Los Angeles County Author

Agree! Did you check out my latest hub about online/offline dating? I keep learning new things about relationships and dating--things have really changed--I miss the pager days--lol.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 20 months ago

Voted up! You're an excellent writer by the way.

Your statement: "I wasn't happy about this discovery at a mere 20 years at the time. Secretly, I really wanted to be with men my own age" is a very common dilemma for lot of women in their 20s who want to be serious about dating and potentially finding their "soul-mate".

The typical 20 something year old guy sees this timeframe as the time to party with friends, date for sex, travel, and establish a career path.

The thought of marriage, signing a 30 year mortgage, and having children is like watching their lives flash before their eyes!

They're in no rush to become their parents!

Most never before been married guys don't consider marriage as a possibility until they're in their early 30s these days.

A lot of women make the mistake of believing if they get with a guy and stay together for several years then when hit's his late 20s or early 30s they'll be the one he propose to. The reality is if he's only had one or two serious relationships his whole life and the one he's in now started when he was age 19 or 21 apart of him will wonder if he missed out. By de facto he already feels like he has been married for all those years.

It's not uncommon for men to breakup with a woman they were in a long-term relationship with for several years and turn around to get engaged to the next woman after only six months of dating.

Timing is everything whether you meet online or offline!

If two people aren't mentally in the "same place" it doesn't mean that something is wrong with either one of them. It just means they're wrong for one another.

One other statement you made:

"I found myself working hard to want to like someone that I wasn't really all that attracted to. " I believe a lot of women attempt to do this!

Their friends encourage them as well.

"He's nice, got a good job, and he's crazy about you. Girl, if you don't jump all over that I'll take him for myself!"

Relationships or marriage "by the numbers" or "looks good on paper" seldom leads to happiness in the long run. Nevertheless there are those who subscribe to the philosophy of : "Don't marry someone you love marry someone who loves you!" Author Lori Gottlieb wrote a bestselling book titled:

"Marry Him: The Case for. Settling for Mr. Good Enough"

Can you imagine a book being written like this for men? Even if such a book was written it's doubtful enough men would buy it to make it a "bestseller"! One man's opinion!:)


nmcguire7 profile image

nmcguire7 20 months ago from Los Angeles County Author

Yes, you're the dad us women needed years ago! God bless!

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