Top 7 reasons Gays Need to Re-Think Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is one of the most polarizing topics, yet who with any decent level of compassion and understanding would reject a law allowing gays to have the same legal rights as straight people? It comes down to tolerance.

Alas, marriage is a terrible idea for gays, particularly when gay people try to imitate the traditional marriage model. Why copy something that has a 50% + failure rate, and that’s not including those who stay unhappily married?

Here are 7 reasons gay couples should think twice about attempting to imitate the traditional marriage model.

1) Money: The concept of marriage was originally mostly about property rights, not love. Now, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, and many of those couples fighting it out in court over money, have things really changed very much? You don’t know how your partner will react in 10 or 20 years if they don’t feel their needs are being met. Why complicate things by combining all your finances?

2) Monogamy: Before Stephen became a matchmaker, he was quite idealistic about romantic relationships. By the time he sold the company in 1997, he had a much more thorough understanding of human nature and love relationships after interviewing people about their love lives, and observing 1000s of relationships. One of the things he learned is that a sizable percentage (larger than you think) of people who assume they are the long-term, strictly monogamous type really are not. Some don’t know themselves well enough, some conform to keep the peace or get what they want, and some pretend they want strict monogamy for the rest of their lives for other reasons.

For a short period of time they can easily remain faithful, but eventually they will be miserable. Traditional marriage doesn’t take this into consideration. In addition, gay men and men in general tend to be comfortable separating sex and love, allowing them physical contact without a deep emotional connection, and they have an innate drive for multiple partners. Therefore, strict long-term monogamy may not be the best path for all gay couples. Considering the high
rate of cheating among heterosexual couples, apparently it’s not the best idea for them either! Perhaps all couples would instead be better off focusing on complete honesty and safe-sex 100% of the time.

3) Religion: If you were hoping we would champion the religious themes often used against gay marriage, sorry, we’re not going to do that. Since religion originally had nothing to do with marriage, that argument is about as phony as an outspoken, anti-gay yet closeted preacher.

Our findings tell us that anti-gay sentiment will incur negative karma and result in future lives where the culprit will experience a similar circumstance, but as the victim, even for those who claim to be anti-gay in the name of religion.

4) One size does not fit all: The traditional marriage model encourages couples to conform to certain rules and customs which may not be compatible with one or both partners, gay or straight. You don’t need a certificate from the government to prove your love for each other or to anyone else.

5) Kids: Marriage used to be perceived as necessary before having children. Is it really? In reality, parents trying to fit into the traditional marriage mold too often results in disharmony, which is toxic for kids. If you want children, opt for what we call a “child contract” instead of a marriage contract. This will, unlike marriage, put the child first, rather than the demands and expectations of a traditional, and potentially draining marriage. It also financially protects the
main caretaker of the child before having the child.

6) The marriage agenda: After witnessing so many agenda-minded women that straight male friends (including Scott) have dated being overly focused, in our opinion, on getting a ring on their finger, gays should be grateful (Stephen is!) they don’t have to deal with that (though Stephen has known straight women who had him in their viewfinder- yikes!).

We can certainly understand why some women (and men) seek financial security through marriage, as it’s easier to be a good parent when you don’t need to worry about money. But it takes the fun out of dating and it’s annoying when every other person is too focused on their goal of getting married instead of simply getting to know someone and allowing the connection to be what it is naturally. Dating for gay men is challenging enough and marriage would add yet another reason to stay single.

7) Marriage won’t lock in happiness or guarantee you won’t grow old alone: On the surface, marriage seems like a great idea, and of course it can be wonderful when two people are truly compatible. But when you delve into the reasons why so many people become unhappy in their relationships, and you see these same reasons over and over with a majority of couples as we have with our work, the harmful effects of traditional marriage become obvious. Getting married will never lock in or guarantee security, stability, or happiness. Because of this, it seems reasonable that people should wait until after age 40 to marry so at least they will know themselves better when they make this life-long commitment.

It sure would be nice to see gay couples have the same legal rights as straight couples, and more people, no matter what their orientation, question whether getting married is really their best option.

Prediction: In 50 years people will look back and see the obsession with traditional marriage and the blocking of gay marriage as archaic and discriminatory

Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo

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Comments 10 comments

msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

I love the hub and especially reason number 7, Scott. Very true.


msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

It is good to see you always, Scott. I love that you voiced your opinion on this from a very practical standpoint. It helps.

I myself have no problem with any two people wanting to get married. But as you wrote there are those disadvantages.


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for a wonderful article. Well written and well laid out. To me also there is nothing wrong with getting together,living together or getting married. As long it suits these two people but it is also no guarantee in any case.


athlyn 6 years ago

It seems there is a no right way and a no wrong way when it comes to love. As long as two people are truly happy together, that should be the mitigating factor, not what gender they are.

With overpopulation, lesbian & gay relationships may be nature's way of population reduction.


somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 6 years ago from Las Vegas

Scott (and Stephen),

You make some compelling arguments but I must tell you that at least for my spouse and me, it's not so much about shoes and rice as it is about rights. (And let's face it, tax breaks)

I'm a short, Jewish forty-something gay man who has been in a monogamous relationship with a six foot black man (who was a former altar boy) for what will be twenty-two years at the end of this month. As I say, we're the poster children for hate crimes.

So while your theories above are interesting I'm not sure if they hold up (speaking from personal experience) or perhaps we're the exception but I doubt it.

You're right, I don't need a certificate from the government to prove I love this man but I need it for the thousand or so rights I don't get by only being allowed to be his domestic partner (according to laws of the state we live in).

So although you make good arguments for not entering into a legal marriage agreement whether gay or straight the problem I have is that we don't even get a choice in the matter currently making us second class citizens in a country where we're supposed to be treated equally.

Thanks for making me think. Great hub!


somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 6 years ago from Las Vegas

Scott - totally get it. Thanks!


AshleyApathy profile image

AshleyApathy 6 years ago

Nice post.. But one thing I don't like is how you claim "particularly when gay people try to imitate the traditional marriage model."

Were not trying to imitate anything. It's just pretty much to prove you are REALLY committed to the other person. It's not at all about copying straight people's marriages. Because my marriage (I am gay), will be FAR from the BORING normal marriage lol. Including the wedding itself. Haha. I am engaged, and happy about it.

But as far as the rest of your article, most of which I read, I like it. :)


K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

Scott, I love this take on the gay marriage issue. Your points, some less attractive to me (a 49 year young lesbian)than others, are very well presented. The unconditionality of true love is the kicker here. To separate that which is 'real' from that which is 'just because you can' is vital. My concern regarding our rights to marry would have to be that we make certain that we as a LGBT community are using the rights (as should any person straight or gay)as they are meant to be used...in the face of unconditional love. Great job here and it is up and awesome from my point of view! Thanks for a wonderful perspective.

~Always choose love~

K9


pmccray profile image

pmccray 6 years ago from Utah

I love this take on the issue you're right on point. Why do they crave a lifestyle that is so riddled with failure? Excellent take.

Voted up, marked awesome and shared.


Jacob Woods 6 years ago

Marriage is getting married no matter what. No one is above the consequences of locking yourself into a relationship.

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