12 Things You Should Never Do After A Relationship Break Up
Those of us who have experienced it, we know how it feels when one partner ends a relationship. It is something none of us would have expected to happen to us. We thought it would happen to others, never to us. We were the lucky ones.
After the break up we want to do everything possible to get our 'ex' back. Why? The bond we felt, the closeness, the shared feelings, the companionship, the love; we knew we had found our other 'half.' We felt complete. We felt at rest. No longer wandering in the desert, thirsty and hungry.
Nevertheless, after a break-up it's easy to do unimaginable things, stupid (sorry for the harsh word) or something which we would later regret.
This article is meant to bring to your attention things you are not supposed to do after a break up. Mostly, it is targeted at those who were faithful in the relationship, or were always there for their partner both in good and bad times. It may in some cases apply to those who cheated on their partners and their partners said it's over.
1. Stop Pretending You Are Fine
As human beings, we have been conditioned by the society to believe it’s a show of weakness when we express our emotions after going through an emotional situation. The society has made us believe a strong person is the one who suppresses the emotions, the one who controls the emotions.
While it’s true we should control our emotions, suppressing them is as worse as not controlling them. Before you take control of your emotions you need first of all to let the emotions have their way. Negative emotions are toxic when they control a person’s life or affect the day-to-day life of the person. What you are doing is not letting the emotions control you but accepting a bad situation has taken place in your life.
Expressing emotions after a breakup is a way of confirming to ourselves what we are experiencing is real. Don’t hold back the tears; feel the bitterness, anger, hatred and other hurtful emotions. Not only will they validate to you (the conscious and subconscious mind) the breakup was real, also not suppressing the emotions act as the first step towards the healing process.
The problem with suppressing the emotions is you have thrown the emotions at the back of your head, the subconscious mind. What you have done is you have not dealt with the situation which led to the development of the negative emotions. It is like a man who goes to a bar or pub and drinks a couple of bottles in order to get rid of the stress. The beer creates a false impression the stress is no more. The person becomes drunk thinking the stress is over. When the person becomes sober, the problem he thought he had solved is ‘waiting’ for him. He has not dealt with the problem. Thereby, when you quash the emotions it means you are not dealing with the break up head-on-collision.
First of all, accept the feelings. It’s not a weakness. Suppressing the emotions is the same as a time-bomb ready to explode. When something triggers the emotions, they will explode with such intensity they will cause problems and rifts in your life and those around you. In addition, after experiencing them do not let the emotions take control of your life. A few days is alright; over a week not that bad, but beyond two weeks is unhealthy. If you are still hurt or struggling with the emotions (have overpowered you) over a month, you need to see a counselor.
When someone says, “Sorry for the breakup, it must be hard for you,” don’t pretend it’s nothing. Say, ‘Thank you,” I’m trying to deal with the situation,” because that’s what you are doing, dealing with the emotions in a mature manner.
2. Don't Create Any Contact
After the break up, don't text or call her. Don't beg. If you did everything to make the relationship work, you shouldn't be begging. If you never cheated on her, was always there for her, don't beg. Don't plead for her to come back. Don't try to get her back when she went for another guy.
You deserve a good lady who knows your worth. If she left because you weren't earning good money, let her go. Maybe down the road, sense will come back to her that love is not all about money.
You need time to think things through. You need time to sort out your thoughts. You need time to heal from the wound created in your heart. As long as you are still hurt you will not be in a position to think soberly. You might end up doing blunders which you will regret later.
The No Contact will enable you to know whether it’s okay to give another try to the relationship or move on your with your life. After you have healed, or two weeks (or more) of not making contact you will be in a good position to analyze the relationship and come up with a conclusive decision.
The No Contact is supposed to take place at a minimum of two weeks though a month is a preferred one. The No Contact can go as far as three months or forever. After a duration of time, say one month, you will know whether it is good to want to try to get her back (though it's not advisable to try).
4. Revenge Not
So, she ended the relationship. Thus, you've decided to revenge. You send her abusive messages. You do everything you can to hurt her in any imaginable way you can.
In whatever form of revenge you are thinking of, remember this wise saying, 'Revenge never pays.' Instead, it explains how miserable of a creature you are. Leave revenge to film actors and actresses.
3. Forgive and Forget
The hardest part for a person to do is to forgive someone who has hurt him/her. How can you forgive someone who was inconsiderate of your feelings? How can you forgive someone who left you for a reason which is not really a reason? How can you forgive a person who cheated on you and when you confronted her, she said the relationship was over?
Well, studies have shown there are healthy benefits associated with forgiveness both psychologically and physically, and yes, spiritually.
When you forgive someone, the burden (bitterness, hatred, anger etc) that has been weighing heavily on your shoulders (heart) is released. You feel at ease and at rest. You feel like a bird that has been let off a trap.
When you have forgiven her, forget the wrong that was done to you. Don’t remember it. As long as you remember the hurt, you will not be functioning well. You will live the whole of your life full of bitterness, anger and hatred. This is tragic as these emotions can wreak havoc in your life.
Don’t hold on to the grudge and other emotions that result from unforgiving heart. When you forgive your ex it acts a proof the wrong or hurt that was done will not dictate your life. It’s a way of showing you have a life to live therefore what was done to you is past tense. It acts as a proof the breakup won’t prevent you from moving forward, and that the failure of the relationship isn’t the end of the world or lost love. You don’t necessary have to tell your ex you have forgiven her. You can forgive her by yourself without her knowing.
It’s good if you erase all evidence of her in your life. Delete her numbers in your contact list, unfriend or block her on your social media accounts, and get rid of her things which you possess. They will aid you in forgetting the wrong that was done to you. Forgetting will help you to recover quickly from the breakup and speed up the rate of healing.
When you have forgiven her you can be friends though like stated above it's not advisable to want to try to get her back as a lover as much as you love her.
5. Stop Stalking Your Ex
Stop trying to find out how she is doing. Is her relationship with her current 'man' going well? Stop reading her updated statuses on social media sites. They will not hep you at all. You are just doing yourself a disfavor. Stop trying to find out how she is doing. What matters now is how you are doing. Have you at least recovered and ready to move on with your life alone without your ex?
You have a life to live. Stop living someone's else life. Give yourself a break and concentrate on yourself. Stop living like a zombie.
6. Stop 'Beating' Yourself
Blame game. Maybe I was not good for her. If I had done things differently, we would not end this way. Hmm...What if she left you because you are earning peanuts? What if she left you because you are not handsome like the guy she has?
Stop blaming yourself. If you were a gentleman to her and she didn't see it, don't let her continue seeing it. If she cheated on you, don't try to get her back.
One thing about life is that it's full of uncertainties. What we expect turns out not to be the case. The world is changing at a high rate and what many people think what is love in effect they are thinking what love is not.
Of course we've heard these lines in countless romantic songs: 'I can't live without you' or 'I will die if you leave me.' The fact is you can live without her, and you won't die if he leaves you.
7. Stop Listening To Sad Songs
There is nothing worse than listening to something that makes you more sad than you are. They will make you more miserable and a pathetic creature full of pity. They will increase the hurt, depression and bitterness, and you will feel like your world has come to an end. You need to listen to uplifting or inspiring songs.
Remember, the experiences we go through are phases of life. You have to admit the break up has happened, find ways of getting through, and move on. You have a destiny to fulfill. You have a future. Stop looking back and wishing 'what ifs.' You need to bury the wishes in the grave of forgetfulness.
Maybe the two of you were never meant to be together. Maybe afterwards, when you have recovered and are moving on with your life, you will know whether you were meant to be together. You'll know in time when you've healed completely and have moved on with your life. (Possibly as you will find out after recovery, it is hard to get back together. If she wants to come back think twice.)
3 Things Not To Do After A Breakup
8. Don’t Live In Denial
When our other significant ends the relationship, we want to hold on to him/her. We want to hold on to the relationship. We don’t want to accept it’s over. We try everything we can to ensure the relationship is back and breathing. When your ex insists it’s over we end up living in denial. We want to believe it’s not over. We want to believe he/she was the one meant for us.
The relationship is over. Face the fact. Living in denial is one of the greatest diseases in the world. It immobilizes a person to the extent the person is unable to move forward. Denial makes you live in a fantasy world when the reality is you are not in the relationship with your ex. He/she is an ex, no longer your boy/girlfriend or fiancé/fiancée. Stop living in denial. Admit you are now alone or single with no strings attached.
10. Don’t Be Friends
You were friends before you met. When you fell in love you became lovers, no longer friends. When the relationship broke up, you became an ex; not a friend no a lover. Don’t try to be friends because it will bring back the past memories of your relationship. When you become friends, it will remind you of things you would better forget. Remember the relationship is over, so you are not supposed to dwell on it. You liked her smile and when you see her smiling at you, you feel a pang of hurt. When she does something it reminds you something about her.
It doesn’t mean you become enemies since you are not friends or lovers. You should become a distant friend. There is a chance of meeting each other frequently but you shouldn’t treat each other as friends, that is, very close friends. You will never heal from the breakup. You will always be wishing. As long as you wish is as long you will find it hard to get to another relationship.
9. Don't Rush Into Another Relationship
Take time to heal. Don't rush into another relationship to show your 'ex' you too have an upper edge. Don't do it as a way of escaping the 'hurt' you know you'll experience.
You need time to heal. You need time to settle down. To think clearly. To find your feet again.
If you rush into another relationship you'll find yourself comparing your current lover to your former one. Or, if your current girlfriend does something wrong, it brings back memories of your former girlfriend which might end in you doing something which you'll regret later. Or, you might turn out to become a baby when now and then the memories hit back you start crying, become sad, depressed forcing your girlfriend to become your baby sitter. Also, it may lead to another break up with your new girlfriend after she realizes you are not over your ex.
Don't rush into another relationship when you haven't recovered from your former one.
11. Don’t Do Something Crazy
She ended the relationship. As far as you know the breakup didn’t affect her. You want to show her you have an upper edge against her. So, what do you do? Change your fashion style to a ridiculous one instead to one that will suit you for the better. Go for strange tattoos and post photos on your social media sites for the sake of showing her you are well off. You are just hurting yourself. Don’t do anything crazy to show your ex you have a life of your own, the relationship hasn’t affected you or you are faring well. Do things that will build you up for your own sake, not for somebody else’s sake.
12. Don’t Hate Your Ex
As stated above, forgive your ex; don’t continue hating her. It will not help. Your ex is continuing well with her life. You are full of bitterness, anger and you hate her with a passion. It means you have not recovered from the breakup. You will never recover as long as you continue to hate her. What’s more, you will end up hating all women if you’re a man or all men if you’re a woman. You will consider them as jerks or useless and worthless. The effects of allowing negative emotions to rule your life is they will create health and psychological problems which will affect your life. It will also affect those around you. You will end up viewing the world in a negative way. Stop hating her.
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