HEALING & PREVENTING VIOLENCE with POWER OF SELF-LOVE

 

Mahatma Gandhi

When I despair,
I remember that all through history
the ways of truth and love have always won.
There have been tyrants, and murderers,
and for a time they can seem invincible,
but in the end they always fall.

Think of it - always.

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As many other people, I was for years successfully playing the role of victim, but I admitt I learned the role of aggressor as well. For any type of violence there is the same scenario - aggressor always needs the victim, and victim always needs aggressor to fulfill the role. One cannot exists without another. As a healer, I analyzed many cases of abusing behaviour and the pattern is always the same.

It seems like that for violence two opposing forces attracting each other are needed: submissive one and aggressive one... but the both mentioned forces are actually the part of the same (self)-destructive energy.

The psychological key of healing this sickness is - usually within the victim. WHY? Aggressor is too dominant and as such will rarely understand that he needs to change. Victim holds the keys of solving the problem - victim needs to refuse to be a victim, stop to be submissive - and recognize that the problem lies within her (his) own emotions and system of beliefs. It is like software in the brain - which needs to be recognized and changed, step by step.

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Basic emotions which assure playing this drama are fears, guilt, anger and disappointment. Basic belief which creates that drama is the same for the both sides - "I am not good enough" so must or suffer or "be stronger then others" and control them, rule their lives and make them suffer. At the end, nobody is  happy and fulfilled - neither victims nor aggressors, so the both side finally become victims of their own unhealthy attitudes and emotions.

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WHAT IS TYPICAL VICTIM MENTALITY?

  • Victim is usually person who has submissive character
  • victim usually does not know how to say "NO" while thinking that will not be emotionally accepted from others if sets up her/his personal borders ,
  • does not believe in her/his own rights and does not know how to protect his/her own personal borders
  • victim does not believe that her/his needs can be completely fulfilled
  • victim likes to help the others while forgetting her/his own needs,
  • victim is often very naive
  • victim beliefs in higher purpose of "sacrificing"
  • victim beliefs in higher purpose of "suffering"
  • victim believes that deserves "punishment" or "suffering"
  • victim often feels guilty without any logical reason
  • victim does not believe in one´s own right to be successful
  • victim is often "too good" and "too compassionate"
  • victim is full of pessimism and do not truly believe in better future
  • victim is full of self-destructive energy
  • victim has low self-esteem
  • victim subconsciously chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
  • victim rejects (or renders ineffective) the attempts of others to help him or her
  • while following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
  • incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated
  • victim fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, (e.g., helps the others to solve their problems, but is unable to do that in his or her own life)
  • victim often subconsciously chooses the environment and life-situations which are not safe.
  • victim is often uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat her/him well
  • victim engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice

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Victim starts to be a victim (or aggressor ) in the childhood - while being witness of abusive-submissive games between parents when child necessarily becomes active participant in such relations. In addition to that, adults often believe that children are their property so instead of co-operating, supporting and teaching the children how to develop the self-esteem, they actually push children into the emotional slavery, and teach them from the earliest age that they should be obedient and submissive personalities... or superior ones in order to succeed in the life.

Aggressors and victims are products of the same sick circumstances and the same wrong examples they had watching in childhood- some people just choose the dominant role and some other submissive, according to their temper...

Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic
Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic

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Historically, violence and aggressor-victim (sado- masochistic) behaviour had existed in all known societies and have roots in any kind of slavery - which up till now never stopped to exist ... just today slavery usually has different names than before and sometimes different shape, but is still present in all types of human relations and in all societies.

Many religions and spiritual paths also support sacrificing for the others and celebrate victimizing, as being a victim is recommended or moral behaviour, what is nonsense. People who sacrifice their own needs and human rights always finish crucified, and no, God will not reward them for that neither in this life, nor in "afterlife", on the contrary... Self-denial is not healthy.

Self-denial always results with emotions of anger - some victims become aggressors later on , the other just repeat over and over the same self-destructive behavioural pattern and finally destroy themselves with active help of others...

Being a permanent victim is certainly not healthy example for the others and should not be celebrated - because such attitude gives full right to the aggressors to express their aggressiveness ... Victim cannot be victim without aggressor. Instead of idealizing sacrifising, victimizing and self-denial, society should start to heal its own unhealthy ideology which creates the both sides: victims and aggressors.

Nobody cannot permanently protect the person who decided to accept the role of victim, because sooner or later she/he will choose again some dangerous circumstances in the life, which will lead to the new tragedies.

It is not enough to remove oneself from abusement, if the wrong emotional/mental behavioural pattern stays the same... Energy of victim travells everywhere with the person who carries it. This energy should be recognized as an obstacle which needs to be transformed.

It is not sufficient that we feel pity towards victims and hate aggressors - on that way we support the both extremes, unfortunately. It is better to remind the abused person on her/his inner strength and encourage her/him to develop self-respect and self-esteem and encourage her/him to heal traumas (which create new traumatic situations) and learn to give up fears. This is not quick process, it requires a lot of effort from ex-victim, but it is only one which leads to success.

Nobody can do any harm to any of us if we do not allow that somehow: allowance happens whenever we are afraid and expect attack from others or create in our imagination future problems and conflicts.

 

Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic
Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic

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Instead of expecting that domestic violence can start at any time (and it will if you believe in that) start to change your own victim or aggressor mentality and give yourself enough time to explore your own nature and work on your self - esteem, self - love and self - respect. Prevention is always the best.

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EMDR FOR HEALING TRAUMAS

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EMDR "Eye movement therapy" is excellent technique for healing traumas, especially after abuse. This technique is able to completely remove your negative feelings, fears, anger, and scary movies from your mind. And this technique works very quickly.

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Love yourself and never turn another cheek

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Make a long-term contract with yourself that you will learn how to:

1. Love yourself with full heart and soul

2. Allow yourself the best and most loving circumstances in your life, step by step.

In addition to that:

3. Never turn another cheek to the aggressor. Aggressor will repeat aggression and you will not be rewarded for your weakness.

4. Never think that you need to sacrifice for the others by being victim. On that way you will just give to the others wrong example and feed their own victim or aggressor mentality.

5. Do not blame yourself or the others . It is just wasting your time and energy.

6. Never feel guilty neither stay in self-pity mood for too long- just decide to gain your own healthy life-power. You do not deserve nothing less then to be happy and winner in game of your life.

7. Do not expect that any aggressor will change just because he/she promised so. You need to overcome your fears at first and remove yourself from danger - very often physically (get out from the abusive relationship) but after that the most important is to remove yourself emotionally and mentally from the violent nightmare. Only after that, your life will start to change for sure.

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Text and photos - by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic

Alternative healer, Reiki Teacher, Artist and Counsellor.

Artistic photos available for sale in my online gallery as prints and greeting cards: http://tatianamichaela.redbubble.com

For e-mail counselling and healing (starting price is 50 US$) you can contact me through my e-mail mihaelat999@yahoo.com  (...more detailed informations about various ways of long-distance healing is on http://hubpages.com/profile/Tatjana-Mihaela)

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Comments 21 comments

VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 7 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

Tatjana: The part where you say that we need to change our patterns and learn self love is right on; if we don't do this we go on to another relationship that will repeat the abusive patterns. Once I let go of my lack of self love, a said to myself "enough of this!", my entire life changed, it was that simple. It involved more on letting go of patterns that no longer worked for me. The letting go is transformative.

Regarding to not turn the other cheek would need to be handled with wisdom; if its an angry bully who beats up a woman and can easily kill her, I would say, take action, help yourself, love yourself, get help, and get out, out of that energy field.

Good hub!


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you, Mary, you are the best possible example how life cah be changed if somebody is brave enough to completely remove oneself from the wrong pattern.

Unfortunately many people stay in abusive relationship because they belive they should "turn another cheek" instead of geting out physically, mentally and emotionaly. Many of them belive that that is OK to be victim...At the end we have world full of victims...

But this world will improve...sooner or later.

Thank you for good advices, I cannot agree more with you.


dohn121 profile image

dohn121 7 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

This is perhaps the most comprehensive and fundamental hub on domestic abuse, Tatjana-Mihaela. You touched on all of the key warning signs and then polished it off with solutions in which to resolve the matter. You have a natural ability to heal in all aspects-physical and mental-and are certainly an asset to all of us. Thank you!


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you so much, Dohn... I just like to observe and analyse and explore...

Society cannot save children (or others) from abuse if its fundamental ideals are based on hypocrisy. We try to solve the problems, but we should actually change our ideals...only on that way goodness, kindness and co-operation will prevail.

Thank you, Dohn, you are so kind and big support.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

Tatjana - that is such wonderful advice - and spelled out so clearly and well!

Like you, I believe it is so important to love oneself - it makes it so much easier to get and expect respect in relationships and to give love and respect in return.

Such a great hub - thank you! And your pictures are so incredible!


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Dear Shalini, I am very grateful for your visit and support.


advisor4qb profile image

advisor4qb 7 years ago from On New Footing

What a beautiful hub! I love the photographs.

I also identified with the victim mentality. I was a victim for most of my life. During the past year, I have emerged from being a victim. I will settle for nothing less than someone who will treat me well from now on.

And you are especially right about not turning the other cheek. Even if it is verbal abuse, if you don't know when to walk away, you will waste your life on a lie (lying to yourself about the situation).


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much, Advisor.

I am so glad that you are well now. Give yourself enough time and treat yourself as Goddess. There is enough nice and kind people around, and you will meet "Mr, Right" when you will be ready.

I wish you all the best...


Madison22 profile image

Madison22 7 years ago from NYC

What a great hub...thanks! I had alot of identification from my past. This one is a definite bookmark.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you so much, Madison... I still have to solve some wrong believes about myself, it was so easy to write this Hub, he, he...

Thank you for visit and comment.


aesthunter profile image

aesthunter 7 years ago

nice one...

that was something personally educative !


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you , Aesthunter, I am glad you have found it useful.


sonal 6 years ago

I fully agree with you, you have written beautifully, being submissive means being a victim in today's world. I am through the transition phase in my life now, having recently collected courage of living life without being a victim anymore, am thankful for your encouraging write up.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 6 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much, Sonal, wishing you all the best!


abeer_ato 6 years ago

I agree with you ...and I think that to love self and to refuse violance need power and intention for that...that may happen by increase self esteem.

Thank you


salt profile image

salt 6 years ago from australia

thankyou. If I have been going through some of this and have learnt alot about manipulative behavior, belief centred thinking, especially around stereotypes of women and religious dogma. Religion can be a beautiful thing,.. I think I have been learning to stand up for myself, yet I dont want to cross that line and become the abuser. I am moving out of this experience and I must admit, life seems alot easier than it did before and I feel a stronger person.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 6 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much, Abeer.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 6 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

I am so glad to read your comment, Salt.


Laila 6 years ago

one cannot exists another...(victim and aggressor)

so to break this cycle we need to change at least one of its tow parts!

I agree with you that the victim hold the keys of solving this problem, but I believe that this problem will not completly solved as long as we stile have aggressors!


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 6 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

I completely agree with you Laila. There is a lot of aggressors in this world and for many years there will be a lot of them - we cannot change that fact, but can change ourselves.


Ben Hunt 5 years ago

Please add a link to Sheaf Domestic Abuse Services, http://sheafdas.co.uk/, which supports both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse in England (serving South Yorkshire, Derbyshire, Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire).

Many thanks,

Ben

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