I'm waiting.

empty
empty

I send this message out into the void.

Ive been waiting my whole life to feel....anything. To feel the way that i deserve to feel.

So much of my life has been wasted on being afraid. Afraid to put myself out there. Afraid to do what it is i need to do to feel...free.

There is so much i have never done that i wish i had. I always wanted to work at a carnival. You know, not now, but when i was like 17. Just be running some game on a cool summer night with the wind blowing through my hair. leaning against some carnival game post. Just letting anything happen. I feel like a huge wasted mess. And i don't want to feel that way anymore.

I should have been more responsible. So that whatever happened to me, i could always count on myself to fix it. I have no friends...did you know that? Because i have never been loose and free enough to just go with the flow. People pass up people like that. People like me. I was never one to just go anywhere last minute. Everything had to be planned. Even if i had nothing to do, i would say no to a spontaneous offer.

Jesus.

What the hell was wrong with me?

That was my youth. My time to be free.

and i spent it being trapped.

trapped by myself and my stupid rules.

I tried a few times to do exactly what I'm saying, but it was always at someone else's expense.

When i got that feeling in me that i just needed to escape, i would...i don't know, cheat on whatever boyfriend i had at the time just for the feeling of freeness.

Have you ever cheated on anyone? There is something so liberating about that first kiss with the new person. Its like nothing i can describe to you. I feels to free, and wrong, but it feels so good, because you do it even though you know you shouldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here screwing random guys, or cheating on him.

But theres something about a first kiss. So new.

I think that's the only freeness Ive ever had.

ive never just grabbed a bunch of money and driven until i cant drive anymore, staying at some motel.

I never "broke out" and got to just .........i don't know.

maybe this hub is stupid. But if i dont get it out of me, ill go insane.

And again, don't get me wrong, but i cant just be free now anyway. Adon.

My sweet little boy. He is everything to me.

But if he wasnt here, i swear, with how i feel i would just f'n go. Id drive until it hurt to drive anymore, and then id just run into the ocean and slip away.

I love the beach at night. Something about being feeling so small, stereing at that huge massive seeminly never ending body of water. It recharges me. Reminds me of the endless possibility's.

So heres what i want.

I want a perfect stranger to just walk up to me and kiss me.

Thats all.

Just so i can feel that way again.

And maybe be around so that we could go out at night, just the two of us, and walk, and talk about nothing and everything.

I knew this guy when i was younger. His name was Nathen. The thing i remember most about him was peppermints. He was always sucking on these peppermints. So when he kissed me, it was the most refreshing kiss i had ever experienced in my entire life.

He was the first guy to ever push me up against a wall to kiss me.

I dont want you to be reading this, thinking im all ready for sex, or that i just want to be bad. No.

No no

I just want to feel something real. And i want whoever is standing next to me to feel something real too.

and to have thoughts. Real thoughts about real things.

I just

I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

just spread my arms out and scream

Theres got to be someone out there who is just waiting to appreciate me as much as i would appreciate them

Just someone that wouldnt be able to wait to see me.

Someone who saw all of my flaws and didnt give them a second thought.

Someone who when they held my hand, it would feel amazing.

And walking behind a closed movie theater would feel romantic.

Someone who just couldn't stop kissing me.

Fu*k reality.

I want amazing.

I want to go out at night and feel what this song makes me feel right now.

More by this Author


Comments 40 comments

epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

...your writing style is like a breath of fresh air-

seductive, evocative, earthy, very natural and honest!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

epigram- thankyou. i just woke up. i am going back to sleep, but i had to check and make sure it wasnt the night air making me feel the way i felt when i wrote this. i feel this way most of the time. its just last night...the feeling was so strong i had to get it out or i would just burst. i always write honestly and from the heart. how can i not, when it feels so good to be so real. thanx for always comming over and updating on what ive just written.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 6 years ago from Southern Illinois

Pink, are you in love with the person you,re with? I,m not being noisy, you just sound like you need real and true love, whatever you have is not fulfilling and i don,t mean sex.Please don,t take this wrong, but have u thought about having God in your life? He is able to give you comfort and understanding when no one else can. There is someone out there for you, you have a good heart,i know that to be true, There are some situations where you have to move on.

God Bless you and your child


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Pink,

Very interesting hub, I understand your thoughts you feel stagnant-like everyday is a repeat of yesterday with only a few minor changes-Sometimes it seems as if you have no solid purpose beyond the immediate. when you were writing I was wondering who you were writing to or for- I actually understand really well your thoughts on this--- My old jobs were full of change and each day was different from the last. this change sustained my needs those changes were the very thing that gave "the new me" trouble after I could not keep my thoughts straight... So I understand the need for change is calling out to you even a day or a night to just be "someone else" even just for a few hours to feel like there is something out there that is worth being or doing. I understand this feeling mmore so than ever. Freedom is never so cherished until it is lost.... Realize this- you can do whatever you want to-you just have to be careful and safe about things the world is a strange place- "It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to." BB. Where ever you go whatever you do those that cross your path will be better for meeting you this I KNOW to be true for I am better off having only known your words. You are a wonderful woman inside and out and when a man or woman *tee hee* realizes who he has found once he meets you he will realize he has met an angel on earth and if he is lucky you will find him worthy of you... you should not seek anyone less than that.

TH


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Always- i understand what you mean, and i am not taking your suggestion of bringing God into my life as negative. And i can tell you, that yes i have thought about it, but thats not what im looking for.

And i can also tell you this honestly. I was once completely and utterly bathed in my love for who i am with. But its kind of difficult to keep that feeling trong when the person you are with dosn't feel that anything is important to them. Ill leave it at that, because im feeling emotional right now. Thank you for saying what you said, it means alot to me to know someone recognises the good in me.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Tom, not an easy task, but you have left me speechless. (hand on heart) Thank you.


ralwus 6 years ago

Feel better now? Well, consider yourself kissed by me then. Sounds like your finally growed up is all. I suck other things than mints, mainly from a rock glass with Scotch or from a bottle of High Life. Maybe you need to get a responsible sitter and take a trip west. Let that hair and dress blow in the wind on the shore of Lake Erie, Vermilion is a very nice place. I don't know where amazing is, except in my own mind. Best of luck now. x


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

ralwus- ill take that kiss, and smooches back! No, i cant leave my baby for more than a day, maybe when he's older. just want those little freeing moments. I guess i just cant remember the last time i was really kissed by someone who craved it like i do, thats all.


bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

Hey you :) Just got back from finally seeing some of my family for the first time in about 5 years. Nice to get out of here for awhile, but as the clock winds down, it's a reminder also, that I need to get my butt to bed as work is calling me in the wee morning hours. Couldn't go to bed though without first checking in on you...my little gem in the rough. ;) Crossroads girl. That's where you are at. You need to realize you are worth every bit of what you wrote & for someone like you, who has a big heart and yearns just for the simple things in life..someone who cares...someone who when they look at you they can't seem to get enough of your beauty, that they take in every inch of your face wanting to hold that moment forever, because you are the most beautiful thing they have ever laid eyes on...person who wants to hold you & make you feel like every inch of the woman you are and love you more than life itself...hmmmm is that too much to ask?? Absolutely not! We are never promised tomorrow...never. Ask yourself if you died tomorrow..would you be happy? Do you feel like a free spirit? Do you deserve to feel like you deserve every breath you take and do you make it your soul purpose to live each day as if it is your last? To feel loved? To feel validated as a person and a partner/lover? Your time is now, you hold the key to your happiness. Don't waste the time you have been given...you will live to regret it. I love ya baby girl, you are strong, smart, beautiful and deserve to be truly happy. Your friends here on HP are pulling for you and we will not judge you...as any decisions you make are respected...because essentially it is your life. You will have my support regardless, just know you are deserving of everything you mentioned in your Hub. Will check in on you during the week. Smile :)


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Blades- have to admit, i got a little sad today not hearing from you for awhile! :(...:). Anyway..dont tell spencer, but ive been emailing guys on craigslist. Not for cheating purposes, just to see whats out there. And heres a shocker...no one wants a woman with kids...especially kids that cant wipe their own buts yet. Sad realization for me that my sweet son brings my sexymeter down about 8 notches, haha.

"oh baby, i love how you always smell like diaper rash cream, and old fruit..." lol

Ever see Napolian Dynamite? Im like uncle riko. "if i could just go back in time..." hahaha.

Everything you said to me is so sweet, and im sad that you dont live around the corner because i think we could be the best of friends. But i am glad to have you to talk to on hubpages.

ok, make sure you come back tomorow and read my coveres in bugs hub. i just thought of it right now, as i picked an ant and a flea off of my arm whilst watching a pincher bug rest on my windowsill. ugh, maybe this is the end of days...the fanatics were right! Hurry back before i go crazy and start handing out bible tracks in my neighborhood! yikes!


bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

Don't you dare hand out bible tracks! I would have to come down there and personally whoop your ass. lol Well, I had a grand birthday today...big 41 and worked all day. Grrrrr My man had dinner waiting for me when I got home and made my favorite cake for dessert...german chocolate. Yummmm! See if I wouldn't have kicked my deadbeat ex down the road, I would've never known what I was missing. ;) Not true missy...about men not wanting you because you have a child. There are guys out there that are seriously looking for someone who is mature, intelligent, and funny with a happy lil guy hanging onto their mommy's leg. You just need to weed out the ones that are just lookin for a "good time." Your ship will come in, when you least expect it. Chin up and put that beautiful smile on your face. When we change the way we think and look at life, great things can happen. My job sucks...because everyone was right, there isn't a lot of time for me to do what I truly love...write. I work 12 hours, get home eat, spend a lil time jimbo or my boys and off to bed I go within 2 hours to do it all over again. Here's me signing off for the night, will check in on you tomorrow night. Sweet dreams Pink and give yourself and Adon a big hug from me. :D


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Blades- I just missed ya, i was watching the old "little shop of horers" with jack nicholson. Anyway, happy Birthday baby! German chocolate is spencers favorite too, just bought him one but were out of milk, and now he's all pouty face! hang in there with work, you may not have much free time right now, but when your all settled and able to get what you want, you'll thank yourself for putting in the time. I can only hope that i find a guy as great as the one you found. You seem so happy. But then again, he's luck he found you!

I hope you read my hub about the 4 weirdest people i ever met. If your day is too long tomorow, and you dont have much time, read the section entitled "Eliot" Im pretty sure out of everyone, you will be the only one to laugh as hard as i did at that, even just reliving it and putting it down was fun for me. I laughed so hard tonight i peed a little. ha, and if youve ever had a baby, you know that peeing when you laugh means something was friggin funny!

They should put that up there with the other compliments, like burping after a good meal. lol. Rest up my dear friend, and really, happy birthday.


TwinkleBabe 6 years ago

Wow brilliant hun and i so know how ya feel.. hugs x


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Teinklebabe- thanx. its nice to know that im not the only one who feels, or has felt this way.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Twinklebabe- seems you tried to comment again, but your comment was blank...hope it wasnt something like "call 911, my stalker got in and hes trying to get me!"


TwinkleBabe 6 years ago

oh dear i wonder why it didnt show up lol.. and no it was't anything like that lol can't even remeber what i said now blonde moment lol!! hope you get this message??? x


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Twinklebabe- there you are! i had the same thing happen to me yesterday when i tried to edit a comment i made, it completely disappeared! Glad to hear your safe and sound, lol


TwinkleBabe 6 years ago

thats well weird =/ at least you can see my comments now tho. hope ur ok today x


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

im more than ok today...but let me ask you...nah, ill do it in a hub. stay tuned Twinklebabe, life of the pink umbrella is about to get hella interesting! ;)


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Pink,

"hella interesting " its the street umbrella- cold kickin it live and direct in CT yo....

LOL

TH


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Tom- haha, your making fun of me. Nxt time you make fun of me im going to "tuna" you out... No? not funny? darn...thought i was crating a tuna joke. lol. "okay, Tom, your on the air..."


BennyTheWriter profile image

BennyTheWriter 6 years ago from Northeastern U.S.A.

This hub is far, far from stupid. It's AWESOME. You write here with an honesty and a vulnerability that's too rarely expressed.

I'm a guy and I can relate to you in so many ways. I know what it's like to be inhibited and afraid of taking chances. I'm trying to push myself little by little to be more "free" and really experience new things.

By the way, I love the beach at night too.

Great writing. I hope your dreams come true. :)


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Benny- depending on what your dreams are...depends on how your life will be if they do come true. I got everything i wanted...but it seems an evil genie fooled me with trickery, and now im more careful of what i wish for. see you at the shore...


BennyTheWriter profile image

BennyTheWriter 6 years ago from Northeastern U.S.A.

Good point. We must be careful of what we wish for. But whether we get everything we "dream of" and desire or not, life is a journey and our experiences are full of lessons that can propel us forward. :)


amp 5 years ago

you should write a book. it'd do well.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

amp- i think that is THE best compliment ive had so far.


Johnny Love 5 years ago

Well why not scream from the top of your lungs? Why not feel the pain within? Why not be who you are inside of this dream letting go? I feel the sorrow control you, I taste the darkness in the shadows of peace so divine within your troubled heart. Rest easy and find that inner voice crying for only you to remember. up and beautiful..


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home

LOL tuna you out ha ha Nice- i was not making fun of you.. i f i was goin to make fun of you i'd say.... and then... folloed by.... so take ... and ya...

9guess who had zerrrooo sleep last night ???

points to self - winner winner chicken dinner mmm extra crispy heeheehehhahaaa

me go nappy now

TH


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Primal scream, asking for more. It echoes...


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

AA Zavala- theres plenty more where this came from my love.


Word_Perfect profile image

Word_Perfect 5 years ago from It's Kinda Embarrassing

@Pink. I've been out of the hubs for quite some time now but i just wanted to know what you have been up to. Mmmh.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

get gone child beater. i dont like you word perfect, seriously i dont.


CM Sullivan profile image

CM Sullivan 5 years ago from California

This is one of the most emotionally raw, and soul-bared, poignant things I have read. I could relate in so many ways it made my breath catch in my throat at one point. For example I have driven to the beach at night and actually got out and went into the ocean in my clothes up to the waist to just feel everything. Your kiss when you are with someone else thoughts practically mirrored mine. I was totally like you about a decade ago, feeling like I wanted to get away from everything, start over sort of thing, so when I was 20 I did just that and traveled all over the states for a year which ended with me almost dying. That was pretty much what my story Precipice was about. There was a lot of crazy stuff I did and met a whole bunch of weird crazy people and good people, and completely horrible people but good memories. Now I have 2 kids and feel a little stuck in place too, haha. Loved the hub Pink.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

CM Sullivan- thank you so much. i think there will always be that part of me that wants to break out and just run and feel free. But wherever my baby is, i think thats where i will in my true heart really know that my freedom really is. i woke up today and said to him "happy birthday to mommy" and he said "happy day!" its times like that that i know im right where i belong. :) thank you so much for reading me. it means everything to me when someone else can relate.


CM Sullivan profile image

CM Sullivan 5 years ago from California

Yes, I completely agree, my two little girls are everything to me, I wouldn't change a thing because everything led to them!


Mamadrama profile image

Mamadrama 5 years ago from Upstate NY

I feel like you are my soulmate in this hub. I used to think I had a "free" life, but I realize that I always chained myself to love, or searching for it. So lost in so many ways. I have my boys and I LOVE them dearly, they are the soulmates I have longed for all these years.. however, given just a day to do my own thing, oh girl, the stories I would be able to tell the next day.

I can relate to your words in so many ways.. I especially love this passage:

Have you ever cheated on anyone? There is something so liberating about that first kiss with the new person. Its like nothing i can describe to you. I feels to free, and wrong, but it feels so good, because you do it even though you know you shouldn't.

Wrong can always feel so right.. even though that shipped has sailed and sunk for me.. you can see the light of lust still lingering in my eyes.. through my poems I am able to be that bad girl.. if just for a moment when I am writing.

Thanks for sharing this! You are not the only one that has these feelings.. keep sharing!Voted up and awesome


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

My "father in law" asked me why i write the way i do on hubpages if it doesnt bring in any money. clearly that question must make you laugh as hard as i did when i walked away from him. but i have been asked why i dont just write and keep it to myself, why on the website? well, this is why, comments like yours that remind me that i am not alone in my need to write, need to read others writings, and the satisfaction i get out of someone saying "hey, me too."


Mamadrama profile image

Mamadrama 5 years ago from Upstate NY

Funny... I'm getting the same responses when it comes to my writing too.. That is why I am so glad that I found the suppport that I do on here.. it is nice to know there are others just as "messed up" or gifted as myself :)


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home

pink,

look at as a hobby that

1. does not hurt you

2. does not hurt others

3. brings you happiness

4. brings others happiness

5. is not illegal or immoral

6. your a good writer

7. your a good mom

8 and a heck of a gal

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

ut happiness lies in the heart.

TH


Jennuhlee profile image

Jennuhlee 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

I LOVE this, so raw, so real. I feel this way ALL THE TIME, lie wtf? Why can nobody have this if we all want it? I don't understand where the passion goes, it must exist somewhere if so many writers are expressing it, and somehow it just never comes. Great writing. You're really inspiring me.

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