Women Initiate Divorce 66% of The Time: Why Do They Want To Get Married?

Life After The Cake....

Fairytales Vs Reality

Every month it seems articles are written for women giving them tips on how to get their men to commit, propose, or marry them.

Suggestions range from cooking a particular meal, spoiling him to death, to breaking up with him so he'll miss her and realize she's "the one."

Author Sherry Argov took it a step beyond the "break up" technique when she wrote her book “Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart”

She states women who are too nice don't get their man.

According to these types of books, seminars, and articles it seems like marriage is something men have to be tricked into, sold on, or given an ultimatum in order to get them to pop the question.

Ironically according to recent statistics it's women that file for the majority of divorces. (Men on the other hand are likely to "remarry" sooner then women).

http://family.jrank.org/pages/1381/Remarriage-Factors-Affecting-Likelihood-Remarriage-after-Divorce-or-Death-Spouse.html

"Compared with women, men remarry sooner and more often and generally marry someone a few years younger." This could lead one to believe that once men have been coerced into marriage by their first wife they see more benefits in tying the knot.

Historically marriage for men meant they would take care of the family’s financial needs and women would take care of the household needs.

Sex would take place on a regular basis and most meals would be home cooked.

However if there's a divorce he would be the one moving out of the house, becoming a weekend parent while continuing to support his ex and children financially.

Once the sexual revolution was in full swing and women joined the workforce in record numbers the dynamics of married life changed.

In addition better birth control options for women allowed for an increase in premarital sex while reducing the accidental pregnancies.

Society also became more accepting of couples living together.

Marriage was now an unnecessary legal hurdle in the eyes of many men.

As women became more equal to men in the job force they also began to feel less inclined to get married.at younger ages..

Fairytales Die Hard

Aside from the "biological clock" factor we live in an age where women have most of the same options as men in relationships.

Why do women continue to want to get married in higher numbers than men? Instead of dropping hints,hoping, praying or trying to manipulate a man into proposing.....etc Why don't more women just pop the question instead of waiting to be asked?

The real power belongs to the proactive person that's asking.

Sure the response may be "No" but he/she can move on to ask another person long before the reactive/respondent person is asked again.

One theory is the " romantic fairytale" lives on even in 2012.

From childhood little girls dream of some day having a man kneel down on one knee and ask them for their hand in marriage while offering a beautiful diamond ring.

They want to walk down the aisle dressed in a magnificently stunning white dress while everyone's eyes are glued on them. For just one day in their lives they want to be a "princess" When it comes to weddings the groom is little more than a prop. The guest stand up only for the bride's entrance.

If things aren't going according to her plans she may turn into a "Bridezilla" according to one TV show. Most men would rather not deal with the stress of picking colors, flowers, invitations,tasting sample foods, and deciding who will be seated next to whom during the reception. Those men who do want to make some of the wedding day decisions often end up having the first of many real power struggles with their future wives. Men approach the idea of marriage differently from women

When it comes to reception traditions single women quickly stand in packs ready to compete with each other to catch the bridal bouquet. Single men on the other hand are pushed out on the floor for the tossing of the garter.

Reality Check

Going to "the next level" is often times the last level.

The real thrill is becoming engaged and preparing for one day.

It's as if the real push is to have a perfect "wedding day" and not a wonderful "marriage".

So much excitement and focus is placed on the wedding day as opposed to what life will be like moving forward year after year. Once the big day is over, the dress has been put away, and the honeymoon is over the day to day marriage begins.

A woman that elects to have children and stay home with them oftentimes becomes resentful of the husband that gets to go out into the adult world each day. In fact she may feel as though she gave up some of her identity, her dreams, & goals.

Even when a woman decides to continue her career more often than not she is still saddled with taking care of the bulk of the home chores, cooking, cleaning, tending to childrens needs while her husband comes home from work to relax.

"The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Don't believe it? In the AARP survey, 66 percent of women reported that they asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. And men more often than women were caught off-guard by their divorce.."

"The perceived benefits of divorce differ by gender. Women were far more likely than men to say that having their own self-identity was a top reward....

.......43 percent of women said they emerged from the split against remarriage.

Only 33 percent of men said they wouldn't remarry."

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=713110

" women file for divorce and are often the instigators of separation... Furthermore, divorced women in large numbers reveal that they are happier than they were while married."

Lastly a recent study concerning women's health in marriages indicated the following...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29529578

"Women who felt depressed in strained marriages faced a boosted risk of hypertension, waistline obesity, high blood sugar, high triglycerides and low levels of "good cholesterol" HDL – five factors of metabolic syndrome. Male spouses who felt similarly down in the dumps did not see similar risks."

The leading cause for divorce is selecting the wrong mate.

Be careful what you ask for!

Initiating divorce procedures

Who actually filed for divorce in your prior marriage?

See results without voting

Comments 26 comments

Mellonyy profile image

Mellonyy 4 years ago

Interesting and useful hub. Do you think lack of time for each other and unsatisfactory sex lay at the bottom of the problem? Voted up!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

Mellonyy, Thanks so much for taking the time to read my hub and post your comment. I have always believed the number one reason for divorce is (selecting the wrong mate).

However when it comes to women I think there is something else going on here. Like it or not our society has sold them an “outdated bill of goods” when it comes to marriage.

Many of today’s women earn good salaries, have 401ks, high self-esteem, and enjoy their independence. Never the less it’s been ingrained in them that being married should be one of their top priorities. After getting married a lot of these women discover they got the short end of the stick. In addition to maintaining their careers they are still expected to do the bulk of the cooking, laundry, cleaning the house, and looking after the kids along with addressing their husbands wants and needs. It’s not exactly the “fairytale” they dreamed of as a child. When reality clashes with expectations people are bound to consider other options. A divorce is an admission that a mistake was made.


CJ Sledgehammer 4 years ago

I enjoyed reading your well written article.

I would say that women and men see marriage differently and they see divorce differently. Men see divorce as a nightmare: getting kicked out of his own castle, paying exorbitant child-support, having to cow-tow to his ex-wife's demands, spend little time with his children, and then watching some other guy move in with her.

In general, women see divorce as the promised land...the golden parachute. They get the sympathy from friends, the courts favor them, they get the children, home, they receive exorbitant child-support payments, spousal maintenance, alimony (in some states) and still get to exercise control over him (via the children).


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

CJ you make a lot of valid points! When comes to divorce men tend to get the short end of the stick. Maybe it's fear of divorce that men have and not fear of commitment! LOL! Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment. So far 82% of those responding to my poll state it was the wife who filed for divorce.

Recently I read that divorced men tend to re-marry faster than their exes. In fact I just saw Halle Berry's ex (Eric Benet) and Sandra Bullock's ex (Jesse James) have both gotten re-married. Ironically their marriages broke up because the men cheated.


peeples profile image

peeples 3 years ago from South Carolina

Great article. I guess I don't get the whole big plans for the wedding DAY. I married my husband with only 2 other people there.

I'm glad women are not forced (by lack of income) to stay with men they don't want to, however I think now many walk away without even trying.

I will forever be old fashion and say a woman belongs at home taking care of her husband and children.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

I think along with women having better employment and financial opportunities they also have more expectations from their husbands then previous generations. I still believe the number one cause for divorce is choosing the wrong mate. People don't do enough introspective thinking to determine what is they want and need in a mate for life or they get married for the wrong reasons to begin with. Ultimately everyone is looking for someone that shares their same values and wants the same things for the relationship/marriage.

There is no amount of "communication" or "work" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want. :-)


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Precious Peeples said, "I will forever be old fashion and say a woman belongs at home taking care of her husband and children."

Yes, my dear, I totally agree with you that women should stay at home tending to the 4 H's (home, hearth, halflings and husband). I would say not having a loving wife and mother in the home has led our society to the point of destruction.

I applaud your courage to stand up for what is right and for doing your part to fulfill God's wonderful plan. I am proud of you and I am happy for your entire family.

Best wishes and be well - C.J. Sledgehammer


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

C.J. Sledgehammer, I agree with you. I've never heard of a husband complain about having a loving wife at home taking care of the home, children, and him. Nor or do I believe having a stay at home wife/mother has led to an increase in divorces.

Unfortunately the reason things have changed from the 1950s is twofold. Most couples cannot afford to live on the husband's income alone and a large percentage of (women want) a career of their own. I don't think it's pure "coincidence" that divorce rates have risen as the employment opportunities and higher pay have become more available to women. As I said the more options one has the less crap they will take or should I say the less willing they are to compromise. :-) Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment.


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Dashing:

First came the t.v. dinners, then the washing machine and dryer, dishwasher, and microwave oven. Life became so easy for most women that they found serious time on their hands. And, as we know: idle minds are the tools of the devil.

I personally believe television has had a devastating effect on women in particular. It seems most women are a slave to fashion and social trends, and the television not only gives them that, but it easily brainwashes them with social propaganda. Hence, they were told that a woman cannot be happy at home, but she can find happiness and fulfillment in the job market...the table was therefore set for the great deception. This also gave rise to the nanny state, welfare state, and an overall state of depression for all.

The pied pipers (social engineers) found it easy luring women out of their homes and into the job market, leaving their marriages and children behind. What better way to have access to the minds of the newly orphaned chidren than to take the mothering instinct out of women and expell the fathers from their homes and strip them of their authority within the home.

As soon as women flooded the job market back in the late 60's, wages and benefits started to decline. In an employer's market, this is always the case. When there are more applicants than jobs...employer's win and workers lose (greater unemployment, less wages, less benefits).

The worst thing that happened is the creation of millions of homes and marriges starved for warmth and love; the one element women can provide to a home and family better than any other, but not if she is only part-timing it.

Peace be with you - C.J. Sledgehammer


peeples profile image

peeples 3 years ago from South Carolina

Cj I was all the way with you except this "Life became so easy for most women that they found serious time on their hands."

I have 3 children, a husband who works full time, cook every meal from scratch, have a toddler who needs constant attention, and have to keep up with the mess a family of 5 makes. If it wasn't for the hour of tv I get at the end of the day I don't know if my sanity would be the same. That hour is the only "time on my hands" that I get!


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Precious Peeples: You are a wonderful mother...I can tell. You are doing all the right things and I applaud your efforts.

You are not the typical woman and I say that as a compliment. Most wives and mothers do not do what you do, so my comment does not apply to women of your caliber. :0)

May the love of God reclaim your soul - C.J. Sledgehammer


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

CJ and Peeples, It sounds like we are all in agreement by stating that the biggest change from 1950s and earlier marriages has to do with women. One thing is for certain if 66% of all divorces are (initiated by women) it's very possible that men are NOT afraid to commit or get married. They're afraid of getting divorced. :-)

Thanks again for adding your views on this subject to my hub.


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Dashing:

Truth be known, 66% is probably a very conservative number. I have read recent reports that put them in the 75%-80% range.

I would just like to say that women get the press for being far more "relationship oriented" than men, but I don't think women are more committed to marital relationships than men (in general).

Obsessing over relationships does not mean one is more committed...it just means one obsesses more. This is to say that I don't think men obsess about relationships or talk about them as much as women do (in general)...they just quietly go about their marital business without fanfare.

Studies also have shown that women tend to be more violent in their domestic relationships and leave them far more often than men do.

Peace be with you - C.J. Sledgehammer


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

CJ, you made some excellent points. In fact the survey question I asked at the end of this hub so far has garnered 82% of the respondents stating it was the (wife) that filed for divorce. With regard to domestic violence I have always been curious about what percentage of the time were men hitting (back) in retaliation to being hit. Awhile back I wrote an article titled: Is it ok for a woman to hit a man?

Our society states it is never ok for a man to hit a woman. I just wish we took it another step and said: It’s not ok for anyone to hit anyone period! As I was writing that article it was reported that women are more likely to pick up something to strike a man. Some of the women that responded to my article on Yahoo stated they thought it was ok to hit a man “if he deserved it”. One example included (if a man makes a rude or off color comment). Can you imagine someone saying its ok for a man to hit a woman if he feels insulted? At times I will watch some “Trash TV” and one such show is “Cheaters”. I’ve noticed more times than not if the woman catches her man cheating she slaps/hits him but I have yet to see a man hit a woman because (she cheated) on him. (hmmmm)

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Is-It-Ok-For-A-W...


peeples profile image

peeples 3 years ago from South Carolina

I'm going to add a woman's opinion to this. Personally I don't think it is okay for anyone to hit. However if a woman knows the person she is about to hit is going to beat her down, I can understand why she would pick something up to strike him with. I also think it is unlikely that women cause more domestic violence, but I'm sure they do add some because I have seen it. It is never okay for anyone to hit their spouse. However if one is hit (man or woman) I would expect them to hit back.

Another reason I think the number is higher for women to file divorce is because men get caught cheating more often (not saying they do it more, they just get caught more). Personally that is my line I have drawn in my relationship. If my husband cheats the marriage is over. If either partner is cheating it's a red flag that the whole relationship is screwed up.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

Peeples, Your statement: "It is never okay for anyone to hit their spouse. However if one is hit (man or woman) I would expect them to hit back." (This is exactly what my parents taught me).

I don't think anyone should be hitting period but if someone does hit me I will hit them back and end the relationship.

As for the reasons women file for divorce: Everyone is entitled to have their own "deal breakers". I don't believe (cheating husbands) is a "new phenomena". Therefore I'm not exactly sure if that can completely explain the rise in divorce filings. I still lean towards women having better financial opportunities and higher expectations from their husbands compared to the women of the 1950s as being the major change contributing to higher divorce rates.

One final thought is our society no longer has a "stigma" towards being divorced. Much like bankruptcy, once the rates climb high enough it becomes "normal". Either you've been through it or you personally know someone who has. I believe everything we have been discussing has contributed to higher divorce rates. Bottom line is people aren't willing to put up with as much crap as they use to. The divorce rates are often in the news. It was an interesting topic to see which sex is actually filing for these divorces! Not many people ever discuss that.


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Dashing:

I read an article in Oprah Magazine written by some feminist "Happily Married, Dreaming of Divorce." In this article, she basically tells women to get divorced while they still have prospects of youth, even if they think they are happily married. Get this Dashing - because they could possibly be even happier with a different guy.

Studies have also shown that women who have friends that are having babies - want babies themselves. Women who have friends that are getting married - want to get married themselves. Women who have friends going through a divorce - want to get divorced themselves.

Truth is, not all women have babies because their friends do, nor do all women get divorced because their friends do, but studies have demostrated that they are far more likely to do any of the above if their friends are doing it.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

CJ, The "Kindred Spirits" angle is something I never considered! LOL!

It is a strange "coincidence" that more often than not once someone in the "group" does something it's not too long before another one follows suit. I may have to research and write another hub on this! :-)

Thanks again for contributing to another insightful conversation!


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Aww, shucks...it aint nothin. :0)


CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Dashing: I have seen this kind of advertisement before on a James Watkin's Hub. I asked him if he was into something stupid and he told me that he had no idea what this gal was talking about and erased her message...because he did not agree with it and did not want her to use his Hub's for her own advertisements.

Peace be with you - C.J. Sledgehammer


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

C.J., You are sooooooo right!

Her "comment" actually looks like an advertisement for one of those "How to get your ex back" type of crap! lol! I always say, "Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you."

I rarely delete a comment but clearly this is one of the exceptions. Thanks for pointing it out. Cheers!


BeckyAllen 3 years ago

WHERE TO START??

I have a million thoughts running through my head that I think need be said, not only about this article, but to the comments themselves. However, since it's 1AM, and since the night shift is pretty much the only "me time" this mom gets (and that only because the kids are asleep and at the expense of my own sleep), I shall try to stick to the most prominent points.

#1 Dashing, you say the leading cause of divorce is selecting the wrong mate. I beg to differ. Marrying an incompatible person may sound like the problem, but the REAL UNDERLYING cause of divorce is a LACK OF PSS -- Problem Solving Skills. In truth, we all marry the wrong person (there's even a website by that name). Why? Because everyone is different, and differences bring about conflict. Conflict is inevitable. It's not the conflict itself that causes divorce, but unresolved conflict. And to resolve conflict you need PSS -- Problem Solving Skills.

The factors that contribute to a Lack of PSS are IGNORANCE & UNWILLINGNESS. Ignorance in the sense that people don't have a clear picture of all that marriage entails due to a faulty thinking stemming from a faulty belief system ingrained through their environment & experiences (including princess syndrome, product of broken home, brainwashed by media, etc). Unwillingness to identify the problem, analyze the problem, seek out solutions and implement said solutions. Why? Because oftentimes that requires courage to look in the mirror, take responsibility for their contribution to the problem and a commit to change. I see your logic about how choosing a more compatible person would reduce conflict, but by definition, marriage is the coming together of 2 people -- 2 individuals. A couple that is too much alike may not make the best marriage -- sure they will have less to fight about, but they will not be as challenged, and fulfilled as a couple that learns to love and accept each other. By the way, I did check out your website and commend you for making a much-needed impact on our society (especially a man's POV).

#2 CJ, divorce is NOT the promiseland. Sure men may get the short end of the stick and sure laws may be biased, and sure some women say they are happier divorced (read divorced from the particular EX, not divorced in general), but I would guess 99% of divorced women would trade all their perceived benefits of divorce for a happy, fulfilling, functioning marriage. You cite many contributing factors to divorce such as the economy, the shift in workforce, women's lib, reduced stigma, etc....but those are actually sypmtoms of an unahppy homelife. NO WOMAN, that is happy and fulfilled in herself, her marriage, and her family would chose to change that. Therein lies the challenge -- Happy & Fulfilling lives, marriages & families.

EVERY WOMAN I KNOW starts out their marriage with stars in her eyes -- devoted to making the marriage, home & family work. But what they don't realize is that men & women are different. The more you do for a woman, the more time she has to get more done. The more you do for a man, the less he has to do. Let me essplain....let's say I come over to a couple's house and notice a sink full of dishes. I decide to help out so I wash the dishes. The wife says to herself "Now I have time to squeeze in one extra task I didn't think I would have time to do today". Of course she not only thanks me, she is planning in her head already how to return the favor. Now let's say I come over to the same house and notice the grass needs mowing. (Before I get blasted for chosing gender biased chores, I'm aware of it and am doing so on purpose for effect...but that's an entirely different topic for another time.) Back to the lawn...so I again think I can help out and I proceed to cut the lawn. The man says to himself, "Now I don't have to do this, now I have time to catch up on some TV, or the game, or whatever pleasurable activity he wants to do." Ok, what's the big deal? Well imagine I'm not involved at all, but rather it's the wife that is trying to do all she can to "take care of her husband and family," so day in & day out she does and does....and the more she does the less her husband thinks he has to do....the wife is running herself ragged, keeping up with the house, the bills, the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc....all out of this immense love she feels for her husband and family and all because of those stars in her eyes that led her to believe this life would be satisfying and fulfilling....and even still she continues, just hoping for some reciprocation, gratitude & appreciation ....years pass and she starts to see the injustice, the unfairness of the 2 roles in the home...so the anger, resentment and bitterness are swelling ....till finally, years later she wakes up one day and asks herself, "what's in it for me?" It is at that point she has realized she is dissatisfied, unfulfilled and unhappy. For many years women were stuck at that point. And while the change in economy didn't cause divorce, it did give women a way out. MAKE NO MISTAKE.... women were unhappy and dissatisfied WAY BEFORE they ever had options.

The irony is that many men never even realize their wife is unhappy --until they get served with divorce papers. Why? Because men & women are different..they have different ideas of what marriage is supposed to be and how to manage the marriage. They especially have different ideas of how to communicate, what gender roles should be, and even different ideas of what constitutes happy, fulfilled & satisfied. So of course women file for divorce more than men....they are the ones that are unhappy....because let's face it, a man would have to be crazy to be unhappy with a wife that just keeps doing more and more. And of course he doesn't want a divorce -- again he'd have to be crazy to want to give that up. And it also explains why they are so willing to remarry.

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying divorce is man's fault, I am merely explaining why more women file for divorce than men and why men are more willing to remarry. I truly believe MARRIAGE IS A PARTNERSHIP and both are equally responsible....many women have found newfound happiness with a little communication and some healthy bondaries.

I could go on and on....but last point: I personally don't believe it's ok for anyone to hit anyone else. I also think whoever gets to the door first should have the courtesy to hold the door open for the next person, regardless of gender. I believe we need to raise our sons & daughters to believe that while both genders should be respected as equal in value, status & place, the truth remains that men & women are different.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

BeckyAllen, Thanks for taking the time to post your comment.

Your statement; "Conflict is inevitable" is true however if two people share the same values, want the same things for the marriage, and agree on how to get them as well as have a (mutual) depth of love and respect for one another then the odds are they will have very few (major) conflicts. When you marry the "right person" both of you are determined to do whatever is best for the (union).

The biggest reason why so many people marry the wrong person is because they rarely do any serious "introspective thinking" to figure who they are and what they want/need BEFORE they (choose) a lifetime partner. Many people also marry for the (wrong reasons). Oftentimes they ignore "red flags" or believe they "change" their mate. In other instances people get married before they have truly gotten to know each other's "authentic self". The "right person" is the (best) person for yourself. I've never heard of anyone getting divorced from someone whom they believed was the "right person".

Not every married couple has children. Very often people are quick to point out the stress that comes with raising children. However many couples get divorced without having children. I would also state not every woman and man has the same expectations of each other or their marriage. I talk about individuality a great deal in my book.

My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)

"There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships; we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have."

"There is no amount of (communication) or (work) that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want."


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

BeckyAllen, I forgot to mention that unhappily married men or more likely to (cheat) than file for a divorce. This detail may also cause the woman to do the filing. Most cheaters (don't expect) to be caught which is why they see cheating as a better alternative than going through the legal system and splitting up assets. It takes courage to face the fact that if one is unhappy and can't resolve their issues to simply walk away and start anew regardless of the price. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Anyone who is unhappy in a relationship and (chooses) to stay is (choosing) to be unhappy.

Too often I run into people who are quick to play the "blame game" and then I remind them; Each of us (chooses) our friends, lovers, and spouse.

If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No!

You learn to become a better shopper! Only you know what is "right" for you!


HonestAnswer 19 months ago

Well with much more women nowadays sleeping around so much explains why the divorce rate is so out of control since women are the real cause of it, and it is very obvious why us good men Can't find a good woman that is faithful anymore.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 19 months ago Author

HonestAnswer, It's doubtful that women are cheating anymore than men are. And even if they were men are still not the ones initiating the bulk of the divorces. Other statistics also indicate that divorced men re-marry sooner than divorced women. Even rich & famous men do so.

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