For Men... "When A Woman Withholds Sex....."

No Time To Pout...

The truth shall set you free...

When you're not getting what you want from someone it's easy to fall into the speculation trap of wondering "why?".

After you have been rejected or put off sexually by your mate several times and (have asked her why without getting an open and honest reason the two of you can talk through.....etc.)

You have to decide if having no sex in a "monogamous" relationship is a "deal breaker".

1. If it is, Get the hell out! (Life is too short)

The longer you wait the more difficult it becomes to break away. Trust me on this.... "It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark"

2. If it's not, then learn to live without.

(Avoid the frustration and resentment which comes with begging,hoping, and praying you'll "get lucky" with someone who supposedly loves you. If you decide to stay accept her as is) Ultimately we're all looking for someone who will love and accept us as we are.

You cannot control another person.

She is going to do whatever she wants to do.

The only person responsible for your happiness is you!

When you're in a relationship you have the right to ask for what you need.

Assuming there is not a medical reason of some kind, If the person you are with does not give you what you ask for there are only two reasons.

1. She does not have it to give.

2. She does not feel you are worth the effort to give it to.

You don't demand or negotiate for love and affection. (They are given freely).

You can't manufacture chemistry. (It's either there or it's not.)

Please keep in mind there is much more to a relationship than sex!!!

The real issue here is promising to be monogamous with someone who does not want to have sex with you and even worse she's unwilling to "communicate" with you as to why.

The following advice comes from a man who has lived with half a dozen women and has been married twice as well as having numerous other types of relationships with women.

1.The best way to avoid getting caught up with a woman that uses sex as a power play is to find one that has a high sex drive!

By that I mean the kind of woman who will break out the vibrator if she has not gotten any in 3 days. LOL! Honestly you want to be with a woman who actually enjoys sex and does not see it as though she is "giving" you something and not "receiving" mutual satisfaction. After all physical intimacy is not a favor or duty. Most likely if you're not having sex you're probably not having other physical contact such as kissing, hugging, holding hands, snuggling, or taking showers together.

Any woman that does not have a high sex drive or at least wants it as much as you do is a ticking time bomb! Most likely things will change 6-12 months into the relationship. Shortly after you have "emotionally committed". Concidence? I don't think so! See my hub on "Beginnings" http://hubpages.com/hub/relationshipsdowesaveourbestforthebeginning

If her attitude is she can take it or leave it when it comes to sex then odds are it's just a matter of time before she will cut you off for one reason or another.

Sex to her is equivalent to nothing more than a wifely duty, a bargaining chip to reward or punish you with as she sees fit.

2. Do not live with a woman whom you have not dated for at least 18 months.

It takes about this long to find out how high a person's sex drive really is. During the first 6-12 months it's easy for someone to get their freak on and come across as wildly passionate because the relationship is new and she feels you are "special" and worth impressing but after a year or so a woman returns to her natural drive. One of the first things to go will be oral sex.

Another reason to avoid living with a woman for as long as possible is because the two of you will have more sex when you pack an overnight bag and spend the night over each other's house. It's like having vacation sex.

There is something about "making the most of your time together" knowing you will not see each other again for a few days that keeps things fresh. One person hosts and plans activities for the guest. The guest is treated like a visitor and not taken for granted as is what happens with many couples who live together or marry.

One of the best sexual relationships I was ever in was with a girl I saw on Tuesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays.I departed for work on Monday mornings.

We usually had sex at least 5 times a week during that period.

This went on for the full 4 years we dated!

Ask any man you know that has lived with his girlfriend or has been married for 4 years how many times he is having sex and my guess is it won't be 5 times a week!

Again I repeat, "There is much more to a relationship than sex!" Which is why I never married my ex.

When you don't live with a woman and she decides not to have sex with you then you can make an excuse to leave. You have options.

It's up to you whether you go hang out with your friends, go to a club, hook up with an ex...etc (It's better to break up than cheat), or you can simply go back to your own place and relax. Staying in a room with someone you're upset with will lead to a tension filled restless night.

Either way you don't feel trapped.

Chances are after she rejects you and sees you are heading out the door she will either melt or at least tell you what is really bothering her.

When you have "options" it's rare that a woman will use withholding sex as a power play.

On the other hand when your names are on the lease or mortgage together that's when the trap is set. LOL!

Nothing is worse than sleeping next to a beautiful woman night after night and not being able to make love to her. In many ways it's hell on earth.

The easy thing to do is to go out and cheat.

The courageous thing to do is end the relationship and seek a woman that's so into you that she won't play emotional or sex withholding games with you.

A monogamous relationship without sex is just a friendship.

A marriage without sex is nothing more than being roommates with the same last name.

As I stated earlier you cannot control another person. The only person you can control is you.

If what you have is not making you happy then it's time to let it go. YOU are responsible for YOUR own happiness!

There are almost 7 Billion people on this planet.

Odds are there are more than a few women who want what you want.

Don't get me wrong there is much more to having a great relationship than sex but if you are with someone that will not communicate with you about things that are bothering them or they use the withdrawal of affection and sex as weapons of battle instead of putting everything on the table to the clear the air....etc.

Face the facts. this person is not "in love" with you!

When you get right down to it not having sex isn't the problem.

The real problem is being committed to someone who refuses to communicate with you.

As Dr. Phil is fond of saying, "You Can't Fix What You Don't Acknowledge!"

Life is too short to play games!

One man's opinion!


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Comments 9 comments

lindagoffigan profile image

lindagoffigan 7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Dear Happily Married, I wonder how long that marriage will last if she decides to say that she would like to cuddle and hold off on sex for a few months. Would you have thought Oh Oh, I made a mistake and did not pick a woman with a high sex drive. Your hub indicates that a woman must be a nympho so that you will not have to wonder why is she holding out on me. I feel a bit sorry for your wife because love and sex are being played on the same playing field and she has her body to keep in good shape so that she will not with hold sex as that may be an immediage ground for a break to the relationship. It is amazing how you decide to try to beat the system when it comes to selecting the right partner and then all the time the most important part of the relationship would have been love. Love should not have to be proven in the bedroom like a teenager experiencing sex for the first time on the goal to make sure that his bed is never empty. Love should not have to be proven and for pete's sake sex as a determinant of love can easily lead one off to the beaten path of cheatsville, USA. Good luck on your marriage and may your wife never with hold sex or you may be headed for marriage number three.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 7 years ago Author

In response to lindagoffigan first of all I want to thank you for taking the time to read my hub and comment. However I am suprised that you ignored the basic issue of the discussion.

"When you get right down to it not having sex isn't the problem. The real problem is being committed to someone who refuses to communicate with you." The lack of communication is the real issue. As for the Nympho comment "LOL" means "Laughing Out Loud". Apparently we do not share the same sense of humor. Personally I highly doubt there is such a thing as a nympho.

You also ignored or managed to overlook me saying "There is much more to a relationship than sex!" a couple of times throughout the article!

You are right that love should not have to be proven in the bedroom but if you love someone you communicate with them when they ask you questions.

In fact I'm not sure where you got the idea that I was saying having sex "proves" you love someone. I do think it's unrealistic to expect someone to commit to having sex only with you and then you decide to simply cuddle for 3 months and expect your mate not to cheat or think about cheating. Everyone wants to feel physically desired by the person they love. Marriage has so many elements to it and physical intimacy is a very important part of it. To withhold that from your partner WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION is a GAME. Using sex on a punhisment/reward basis is also game of manipulation. Sex in a marriage is not simply about the physical it intensifies the emotional connection between the husband and wife. You seem so intent on down playing the importance of sex in a marriage and yet there are tons of books, seminars, and doctors making careers out of helping couples to reignite passion and romance in their marriages. Actually people start to pull away from each other mentally/emotionally to begin with and then physically. Again this why I stressed that the real issue of withholding sex is a communication problem.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my hub but please acknowledge it as a whole and not simply pick out those sections that offended you. Finally I will agree with you on this, if my wife no longer physically desired me I would move on rather than cheat on her. I'd still love her and we would remain great friends.


pearlstory06 5 years ago

Despite giving all facility, when SHE stops giving SX, It really sucks. Women(wife/GF) should not do, they should think and should not bargain for this thing.


cathylynn99 profile image

cathylynn99 5 years ago from northeastern US

withholding sex is not playing fair. anyone who would withold sex for any reason short of infidelity and the resultant possibility of venereal disease isn't the sort of person you could have a caring relationship with. they don't know how to care about anyone.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Cathylynn99, Thanks for your comment.

It's important for everyone to keep in mind, "When we change our circumstances change." If someone stops having sex with their spouse/mate it's naive to believe it won't have a negative effect on their relationship.


Sri T profile image

Sri T 5 years ago

good advice. make sure you are sexually compatible. If you are not, don't walk, run to the next person. don't waste your time!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Sri T, Thanks for the comment. You obsevation is very true!

"You don't negotiate for love and affection" (They're given freely) and "You can't manufacture chemistry" (It's either there or it's not!)


Farmer Rachel profile image

Farmer Rachel 4 years ago from Minnesota

This is a great article, and you've got the right idea about women. Women who know themselves thoroughly will be much better partners for good men. Thanks for pointing out that we're not all head-tripping, game-playing, sex-withholding b*tches :)


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

Farmer Rachel, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment! There is usually a reason for everything a person does or does not do. :-)

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