7SS/ Vol 1 / Echoes of Emotion
THE DREAM THAT IS NOT A DREAM
It was a dark night, the street lights outside my window lit the room with pale yellow light. The dark which isn't all darkness soothes me tonight. My eyelids grew heavy and after a moment, my body feels light as feather.. A comforting feeling washes over me, I feel relaxed. "Rest.. Rest.." I heard my own voice.
In the open, on top of a hill, mountains in the background so green and though it looked like I can touch it, if i wanted to, it is faraway. The sun is out but the clouds had blocked it's burning ray. It's cool, It's bright.. And the breeze dance around me.. playing with my hair.. bringing forth the scent of earth.. I look beyond me.. so beautiful. I wanted to close my eyes and inhale the the scent of nature..I wouldn't because if I close my eyes for a while, I would have missed the wonder of creation. My heart sing to the one who did this.. Who gave this.
I twirl and twirl, intoxicated by it all. Then I bend down to feel the grass between my fingers. I wanted to keep holding it and I knew if I crush it between my fingers, it will release a fresh fragrant into the air. But i didn't. Because to do so, would be selfish. I walked slowly and came to a place where flowers bloom. I couldn't believe my eyes but there it was, beauty huddled together, A field of them I do not know the names of most of these blooming flowers; each one with petals of unique shapes and colors. United colors like the rainbow, here in front of me.. Suddenly I was laughing like i was going crazy and the happiness that i felt had quickly turned to rejoicing. And i whispered "Thank you" to the one who made it all.
I was standing at the edge of a forest, It's dark and moist, little sun light penetrates through it's thickness. I was afraid yet curious. I wanted to explore but fear gripped me. Image of beasts, poisonous snakes and other creatures came to mind. Right then, i caught glimpse of a wild flower in the distant, one of my favorite; the 'Orchid'. There, the parasite plant looked so fresh, so alive and elegant. I didn't realize it but I was drawing closer..then.. I am in the forest.
Then I came upon a stream, it's water so clear I can see rotted logs and dead leaves settling at the bottom. Across the the stream, there on the ground, were mushrooms, fat juicy shrooms. I knew these are not the edible kind. Still they look delicious, all the same. Above me, I hear the calls of animals I cannot identify. Screeches of insects, the chirps of tiny birds fleeting and a few times, I see shadows passing in front of me . I knew high above, some kind of huge bird had flew from one tree to another. I wasn't scared anymore. The smell of wet earth has a strange calming effect on me.
Soft carpet of moss under my feet. Up on the branches of a tree, I see riped fruits, the kind I have never seen before. All around me are dark colors of green and brown, speckled by a variety of other colors made by wild flowers the yellowish green of young leaves, fruits and mushrooms of abundance. The sounds of crickets, hooting, flying creatures and the gush of rushing waters soothes me. I walked on until I reached a clearing. In the middle stood a tall tree with thick branches. I cannot see any fruits or flowers growing from it or any plant that lived on it. It looked gloomy, uninviting, I felt depressed standing there so I turned to leave; I have no idea as to where I was heading, but I have a need to leave; to wherever my feet was taking me.
I am in the forest. In front of me are heavy curtains of vines and creeping plants that separates the forest from whatever it is waiting on the other side. I must go through.
It was the most beautiful view I have seen of the ocean. Here, it was twilight, the stars had appeared white against the dark bluish sky.I don't know how long i was looking out into the endless stretch of ocean or the sky. They seemed like one, a canvas of dark beauty. Then I see the pearly moon peeking out under a formation of gray clouds. Suddenly, it wasn't beautiful any longer, the scene had changed. The sky looked stark and dangerous. Like a big space of nothingness that threatens to swallow me. A feeling of impending doom fell upon me and I was very frightened. I felt alone, the cold made me shiver. I was on an empty and isolated beach, there was nothing I can I hide behind or under (I do not know what I was hiding from).
For the first time, I looked at myself and realized that I was naked without a stitch of clothing. My long hair blowing behind me in the chilly wind; wouldn't even lend me a little cover from the biting cold. Afraid, alone and bare.. My cheeks are wet and I know I was crying, I didn't know what to do; whether I should sit on the damp sand, to crouch, to lie down or to stand. To walk or run away.. Nowhere to go, Unsure of the direction I should be heading, I felt indecisive and my body was still; paralyse in the moment.
A flash of lightning startled me, then i hear the rumble of thunder; the sound so angry and I was gripped by fear so great. i was on my knees holding my middle and rocking back and forth. Then the ocean stirs..as if it has just awaken from a deep sleep. Tall dark waves crashes on rocks with a malicious sound and sprayed cold salty water over me. I tasted salt and blood between my lips, I had unconsciously bitten my lips in terror and I was weeping silently. Then I close my eyes, flashes of memories played in my mind..it was sweet, beautiful and joyous. Relieved.. I kept my eye closed, later, a smile appeared on my face.
When i opened my eyes again, I saw myself like I was another person; I saw myself lying down on the wet sand, I know I wasn't sleeping though my eyes were closed. My posture frozen, face as pale as death. A smile on my lips. I thought I had died; until I saw a shiny drop of tears at the corner of my eyes..then I felt this enormous grieve.
Standing there I watched her..me, beaten by the sudden pouring rain and how her..my skin had turned bluish from cold. The tides were rising steadily, the waves reaching us, but she the other me wouldn't move. Alarmed, I reached for her who was 'me' and tried to pull the body in front of me but I couldn't get a hold of her..me. My hands just went through as if the image that I saw of myself was made of air. I called out, but she who is 'me' did not response. .Feeling helpless, i buried my face in the palm of my hands and sobbed for the sorrow that emanates from her who is 'me'. Then I just stare and feel her pain.
I felt rather than heard a 'call'. The voice I have heard for a long time. Only now the voice is clearer and urgent. It said, "You have forgotten me". At that moment, something happened. like a 'knowing' within me. I knew what had to be done. I stepped nearer to the body that was me, then lay myself onto 'her' who is me, on our side, knees up; almost touching our face and place my arms exactly the way she was hugging her legs, and fisted hands where hers were placed. The posture so familiar, I became confident with every correct placement of myself with the other me.
Later I did close my eyes tightly like hers and our breath became one. I was her and she is me. i see what she see..it is a dream. Laughter surrounds her and other times rage like fire engulf her. Then the beatings and the humiliation came..always. Always, she returned to the top of the hill..it is her solace. Her hideaway.
I opened my eyes and there beside me was a lamp. I saw footprints in the sand that leads a path away from where i was to a place that I sensed, held promises of joy. The storm had ceased but I know it will return again.The sky had brightened, dawn is here. I know all is well until the next 'night of storm'. When it comes, I will know what to do. I got up and follow my guide; the footprints in the sand.
I woke up and the sunlight has replaced the street lights. When I got out of bed, I was trying to remember something; it was like grasping to a long forgotten memory. When my feet touches the floor, I frowned. "Sand?" Then I could almost smell the meadow. Shaking my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts, I got up.."Right," I am hundreds of miles from the nearest beach to feel sands under my feet. And the possibility of me breathing clean fresh air that has a hint of flowers in this congested city? My lips curved into a smile.
30th March 2010
"I am almost defeated, do not let me fall; come rescue me.. Take me to a place of safety,I have no where else to go, shelter me from this storm. I reach out to you, for no one hears my weeping.."
"I am bruised by my own accord. I bleed the very life you returned to me, do not let it go to waste this life you safe.. Bring me nearer to the green pastures. Clear my path to quiet waters.."
"Forget my faults, it is too many. Make me whole again, Claim me, for I am yours."
"Only you watch over me, only you stayed by me. Only you carry me. Only you know me. And you have been with me from the start. Take me back into your arms, for that is where I belong. Hold me tight and never let me go.."
Words-a Thousand Pictures.
Dedicated to the Lover of my Soul:
*I was a wounded animal,
striking in rage, blinded by the pain;
Been searching for a miracle,
Now I am healed, dancing in the rain.
*YOU ARE MY ROCK.. i HAVE LEARNED TO SURRENDER,
i AM YOUR CHILD, SHELTER ME, KEEP ME UNDER..
Dedicated to the children I longed to fill my empty arms:
*How can I make you just a bit angry,
Tell me the ways to make you smile,
Oh please don't punish me in a hurry,
I am tired, been walking a mile.
If I can make your dreams come true;
Will you forgive me the time that has gone by?
There was not a day that I didn't miss you,
Stay away if you must but don't say goodbye..
Come back my child, into my arms boy,
Day and night I sit with sorrow,
Return to me my bundle of joy,
How I wish I had watched you grow
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