What Brownie Bites Reveal about the After Life Longings and Other Fiery Fates
The True American Patriot Fighting Public Enemy No 1
Recent Trip to Therapist Concludes with Insight and More Reasons to Panic
I think sometimes I have the most vexing time trying to communicate with people. In one of those long, protracted sessions with my temp therapist McDonalds, I’ve decided that communicating with people would go a lot easier if I began each interaction with them by singing, “I come from the land down Under.” Of course, this would then lead to another frustrating incident where they would assume I was from Australia and I, in my ever witty misunderstood state, would really mean that Down Under. Yep. I just feel like it would be so much easier to claim that I am a child of Satan. (Sigmund Freud, you know how you always talk about one’s relationship with one’s father?) Because then people would just automatically know, “Oh, that’s why she’s the way she is.” And then, I would finally have the carte blanche to go around insisting that people correct grammar errors (I hate having to correct my own) and turn every bar into a bookstore (would you like a glass of milk with your Dostoevsky? Another shot of Voltaire, miss?). For that matter, I would also insist people give up their ridiculous obsession with money (shelter, health and a better future are so overrated), being thin and healthy (this has caused untold stress on my relationship with my therapist), and sports. Really, just how exciting is it to watch some ball being tossed around? It’s just so fallic!
In any case, my session with the brownie bites made me wonder if non theists have disavowed their belief in Satan and hell too. That just seems such a sad affair for them (along with not partaking in holidays and sharing the mischievous hope of certain truly annoying people going to that Land Down Under). In fact, my one friend, a former atheist, has recently become agnostic partly, I think, out of her longing for hell. Not her own personal longing, mind you, just the hope that certain people will be going there. I know this because she divulged to me a conversation with her mom in which she wished a certain relative would go to hell, and her mom, a theist, asked how that was possible because she didn’t believe in hell. I think if she ever becomes a Christian, she might be one of those kinds of Christians that’s in it for the fire and wrath that they imagine countless other people will suffer (that parking lot attendant is a sinner!). Such thoughts always leave me wondering just how exactly atheists have to suffer the rap of being “unrighteous” when they don’t even have a hell to threaten over others. It just seems cosmically unfair.
To be quite honest, I think Christianity would be a lot more attractive if it made a game allowing others to imagine who is in hell. Then, if the game were made by people who weren’t creationist, the gamers could create their own hell (and on the seventh day, Adam made everyone eat hot sauce from hell with no hope of milk!). And before anyone calls me out on this, please take a moment to consider that of all the books written in the Medieval Period, one of which was Revelations of Divine Love by Julian of Norwich, the one that really caught “the age of faith’s” attention was Dante’s Inferno. It was the first part of a man's journey through hell, then limbo, and finally, heaven. The limbo one was less popularly received and the heaven one garnered even less interest back in the day. The people in that period loved that work so much they called all of it the “Divine Comedy.” Now, just for the record, comedy to them meant more than shits and giggles. It actually meant more in the sense of a protagonist's triumph. And what, pray tell, was that hugely popular first book about? Oh, just people in hell. (Of course, English majors will be quick to point out that the real reason the work was such a hit came from the fact that the work had such an amazing system of justice in it. But that rationale always seemed too much like a posh cover up that people so often do when they don’t want to admit to the real reason for xyz). Now, recognizing this strange phenomenon in the fine history of Christendom, I often wonder if people of other faiths have that same diabolical reason for believing as they do. Do people of other faiths not Crazianity (sic. Christianity) find some way to lock themselves in a closet and sing “Burn, baby, burn” as they imagine some boss or employee getting their own brand of hell? And for that matter, just how do atheists cope without the comfort of divine retribution?
For instance, I know if I were Hindu, I’d have a lot more fun imagining what some people would come back as in their next life. The studly football player who has ever been a huge pain and was horribly, annoyingly popular might come back as one of those female insects my husband tells me about. It’s the one where the female insect has no holes in her for reproductive purposes and, well, I think I’ll leave the rest to imagination. Also, the advisers within my head are cautioning me that this whole tangent really isn’t appropriate and they have decided to sign me up for more counseling sessions. They feel I might be turning into some kind of menace to society because I think fire and brimstone kind of thoughts. It’s hard not to though when you’re psychologically scarred from such works as Jonathon Edward’s Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God. Apparently, they seem to think I should be sugar and spice and everything nice 24/7. But seriously, who wants that when it’s just more fun to think about the dark side of afterlife? You know, the one where everyone waddles around reaching for a brownie that always disappears before you eat, but somehow you gain weight anyway. Well, let’s just hope that next therapy session isn’t quite so hefty of a price. You should see the numbers those therapists demand! It’s quite outrageous and really unjust. Also, it's really taking a toll on me!
But back to my recent session with my therapist. The chicken nuggets really helped me realize that my communication problems, longing to identify publicly with public enemy number No. 1 (as most of my country seems to claim the Christian faith, I guess it means our country is supposed to collectively hate Satan. Too bad the government isn’t trying to eradicate him), and deep sense of feeling misunderstood by those I fail to communicate with all boils down to one underlying cause: essentially, I just need to accept that I’m part of OA: Overthinkers Anonymous. Apparently, this means that I think too much about what other people think I say when in reality, they’re probably just wondering what’s for dinner. Oh, and the therapist also thinks I’m an alien of some kind from some lost planet. I just hope the next therapist doesn’t serve my own brand of Krypton next time I go. It’s so fun when you can add another phobia to your already long list.
Images Inspired by Dante's Inferno
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