A Hub for the Lost and Weary

I wanted to try something new... experiment with a new format of expression for me. Write something personal, something "unplanned", something that just flows out of me. I wanted to write something reflective of my current mood, but still hopefully for the future.

I feel lost today. I feel as though I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, why I was called here, or even where I want to go after I'm done here.

I feel weary today. I feel as though I've been worn down, that I have not much left to give. And yet give I must. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel as though I cannot make happy those whom I need to. I feel as though I have lost myself.

And so I read through some of my favorite verses in the Bible, hoping that I will read one and find some intellectual expose pouring from my fingertips to enlighten the already intelligent readers to which I write.

But perhaps the time for intellect is at a bypass. Perhaps, for now, it is time for passion.

Maybe this is something that belongs in a blog, and I become guilty of the very thing that irks me most about some hubbers on this site. Or perhaps not. Either way, this is cathartic... so even if this only ever gets two views and makes exactly $.00 on Adsense, it will still be worth it.

I'm now waffling between my desire to be cryptic and my desire to be an open book. I think, despite my emotional duress, I must pull forth the will to remain guarded... for you never know who will be reading these things, and information is best when it is divulged at exactly the right moment.

Lately I have been wondering what it is I'm called to do... my current situation is devoid of joy, its not that i'm not happy, I could live with that, but a vocation that lacks peace and joy is no vocation at all. And so I think about my passions and my desires, and I realize that I love knowledge. I also (obviously) love to write.

And so I pray about what I want in life: I want to make learning a life long process. I want to surround myself with intelligent and holy people. I want to make meaningful discourse. I want to teach. I want to express myself. I want to marry a wonderful Catholic woman and raise wonderful kids together. I want to travel the world. But most of all, I want to love God, and I want to be me.

Can I do all that here?

And so again I return to my first and last source of comfort, the Bible. I go again, to the verses that have never failed me-- Romans 8:28, Hosea 2: (14)16,Psalm 6:6, Psalm 3:3, Psalm 22:1, Psalm 51:2, Psalm 130:1,5-6, Luke 7:6, and Luke 22:44.

These have always been a comfort to me, I passionately identify with them, perhaps because, as a human, I suffer. So much have these verses been comfort to me, that most of them have inspired songs. And then I remember it, my favorite song that I've written. It goes a little like this:

Lord I'd rather spend a hundred years
Being purified by your fire of love
Than just one day among this life
Sitting in this valley of tears

*Lord lift me up and bring me home
I'm lonely here and I want only You
My home was meant for your courts alone
I'm restless till I rest in You

Lord send an angel to me
To guide me along your paths
That I might see your face sooner
When the dawn, breaks this night

**Lord I long for resurrection
And deliverance from sin
Lord I await your coming
When heaven comes again...

And Alas, I have peace! Oh how my heart and soul long for heaven, for union with the Blessed One! But I know, it is not for me to receive that satisfaction just yet. For now, I must build the Kingdom on Earth... and that requires just a bit of suffering, just a bit of searching, just a bit of brokenness. But oh how it will all be worth it!

I know that eventually I will live my calling. But for now, for 242 more days, I am committed to this place where I find myself. There is still work to be done in this kingdom.

© 2010 rdlang05

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Comments 3 comments

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 5 years ago from USA

I agree that if we let go..our feelings come out better. Good job at your effort, the more you practice the better you can express- though I guess we all take a risk at "exposing" ourselves...though I don't see the harm too much..unless you are using your real name etc...But most people like to see the sensitiveness in a person, it helps them relate etc. :)

btw...your spiritual life should be of greater joy, no personal criticism - I don't mean harm- I see you in this hub in alot of pain...I hope you can find the peace God wants for you..and know how you "can" be happier than this illustrates if that makes sense.

When you said you'd rather burn than be in this life, do you mean in purgatory? I know the saints have said that because there's always a risk of losing oneself in this life...but overall, I feel the saints were happy though they suffered, so I strive to keep joy in my heart knowing God is #1

rdlang05 profile image

rdlang05 5 years ago from Minnesota Author

Excellent comment my friend,

I agree, my spiritual life should be joyful, and usually is! This was hub expressing my hope for a greater future. And yes, I meant Purgatory. And I agree, the saints were happy even when they suffered. I hope I can have that same mentality!

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 5 years ago from USA

I understand, My spiritual life is often like, "Oh God..please give me a break!" But somehow I end up saying "Let your will be done, not mine" I think it took me a very long time to feel that way. But yes, this is a "vent" hub. I thought you meant Purgatory :) You'll get there. Take care and God bless!

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