After Jesus Turned The Water Into Wine, I’m Pretty Sure He Made Junior Mints From Pebbles!

Recently I have been inundated with religious people trying to tell me that me “choosing” to be a homosexual makes Jesus and his dad really mad. Oh he still loves me, but nonetheless he wants to hit my snout with a rolled newspaper to show me the error of my ways apparently. And I’m supposed to be just like a puppy, coming back even after my snout has been bonked by Jesus, wagging my tail and asking him to play with me or at the very least, love me. Well, I’m Jewish. That’s right and yet the helpful religious right don’t care about my religious beliefs, they just want me to convert to their love of Jesus cause as the old song goes, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so.” Well, enough all ready. I don’t think that I’ll ever convince the religious zealots that write into me telling me I’m going to hell that they’re wrong but I wish they would stop trying to convince me that I’m wrong because they’re not going to convince me either. It’s okay for me to think one thing and you to think another, honestly kids, it’s okay. But in those moments when I’ve had more than enough I find that I just feel like making crap up. So my latest one is that after Jesus turned the water to wine, I’m pretty sure he made Junior Mints from pebbles! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I actually got into it recently in the blogosphere with a woman who wrote a blog stating that she wasn’t judging gays but that they needed to know that their savior, Jesus did not condone gayness so they better start boinking chicks immediately (I’m paraphrasing here and just to be clear, since it’s sort of near Easter and I don’t want to piss off the poultry community, I meant women when I wrote, “chicks”). After a few back and forth comments and other people commenting on what she wrote (everything from saying she was nuts to the ones who claimed that it made them sick to even think about homosexuals doing their homosexual deeds – to which I was inclined to write, you straightee religious folk sure spend a lot of time thinking about things you don’t want to think about or don’t think are right). I finally had had enough and had to write something like, “My, how stuffy it must be in your small mind. I do hope that every once in awhile you air your mind out and consider for a moment that not everyone in the world has to share the same beliefs. For if we all believed the same way what a dull world this would be.” I noticed later that the woman actually took down her blog entry. I think this would show that the old adage is true, it got hot in the kitchen and she couldn’t take the heat.

Honestly I don’t mind people thinking that me being a homosexual is wrong because they’re allowed to feel however they feel. I only take exception to it when they’re trying to legislate relegating me to second class citizen status. And as I’ve said before, I would much prefer to hear someone tell me that they hate gays to my face instead of acting nice to me and then doing their limp wristed jokes behind my back.

The thing that I find so interesting is how the “religious” never seem to take responsibility for their opinions. They hide behind Jesus’ robe like a kid behind their mother’s 1950’s taffeta dress. The woman who wrote the blog continually insisted that she wasn’t judging she was merely doing her duty spreading the word of God. Insinuating that my heart wasn’t ready to hear the Truth (yes, capital “T”) She refused to take responsibility for her words and that pisses me off. And if this is true, that you can spew whatever you want without any responsibility from a book that has been translated more times than a United Nations address then I’m going to start doing my own translations of it as well. Now some of you may not understand this (condescending tone intended) but in a bible somewhere I’m sure that Jesus said something about flip flops being worn at dinner parties sending people right to hell. Also in Deuteronomy (no coincidence that’s also the name of a character from the Broadway musical, Cats) there’s something about people loving show tunes. I could go on and on like this but as I’m sure you’re beginning to get, opinions based on books that may or may not have been written by men who may or may not have been “divinely inspired” or just on some sort of ancient crack is fine to believe in, just don’t expect all of us to believe everything in every interpretation of this book. Except for the fact that after Jesus turned the water to wine, I’m pretty sure he made Junior Mints from pebbles! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Comments 16 comments

Highvoltagewriter profile image

Highvoltagewriter 5 years ago from Savannah GA.

OMG! Were DO I find those Junior Mints any way? That was one dam funny hub and that is coming from someone who is not gay or even happy!

somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

highvoltage - ha! your comment made me happy...and I AM gay which means happy so that's a lot of happiness. Thanks for reading and commenting!

d.william profile image

d.william 5 years ago from Somewhere in the south

I voted up/useful/funny/awesome. This is one of the best hubs i have read so far. You got it all together. My family thinks i am nuts for all the anti christian and anti republican article i write, so i just tell them that is my goal in life: to piss off as many christians and Reps as i can before i die, in the hopes that somehow even one of them will come out from under the rock they have been hiding under and face a little reality for once in their pathetically small and insignificant lives.

After i wrote the articles: Banned from the bible parts 1 & 2, i got a lot of comments about how i am hated by god and jesus and going staight to hell. My reply? "If the only people going to heaven are the christians that i have met in my lifetime, i will surely opt for alternative". And it looks like i just might be in better company.

The person who you spoke of that removed their hub from publication was a piece of work. After the 3RD attempt at trying to outwit me, she removed the hub. Sad. I told her that trying to justify her beliefs about the bible by quoting from it was ludicrous to say the least.

Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Great Hub Great Morning Great Scott!

I love that about you! You know how to get a dialog going! And how to ruffle enough feathers along the way to make a difference!

Wine and Jr. Mints for breakfast sounds good to me!

Have a Great day! EarthAngel!

somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

d. william - I love reading your hubs because you do all the research I'm too lazy to do. So while you have a perfectly logical and well researched approach mine is 2 parts rant and 1 part writing. Thank you for taking the time to read my hubs - greatly appreciated!

EA - you're right, that DOES sound good! I'm in!

Nicole Winter profile image

Nicole Winter 5 years ago from Chicago, IL

somelikeitscott: I know this hub is supposed to be a funny little rant, but in all seriousness:

In the third grade we (my class,) learned about Greek and Roman mythology. My little (near-evangelical,) mind was blown. "What do you mean, there are other Gods?" I pondered this and began my life-long quest of learning about other world-religions.

What I realized, (and no offense to your Judaism,) is that personally, I think most religions are 90% population control. Not the good kind, either. Christianity frowns on homosexuality because you won't be going out there having six-seven-eight little baby Christians who in turn will breed as many or more, perpetuating the money-funnel that is a classic congregation setting.

What irritates me the most about this, which you touched on, is the idea that there is *no* other way other than salvation from Jesus, our Lord and Savior. After going through the whole evangelical Christian camp, Christian churches, and having a Christian family it strikes me as so closed-minded. You believe in what you believe in, I'll believe in what I believe in... if we don't agree and you can't discuss it, or I'm unwilling to, let's just leave it alone. You know?

Where are our door-to-door atheists offering comic books, violent video games and porn? If they added a little chocolate to the mix they just might have a new convert in me.

somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

Nicole - thanks for reading and your comment. I completely agree with you. I'm convinced that religion gets off track once it starts getting "organized!" No doubt that one of the reasons I identify with Judaism is that was what was in my house from the time of my birth.

What people believe is their business and if it brings them comfort then great. What I can't stand are the supposed "leaders" of these religions with all their hypocrisy and their indoctrinating their congregations to believe their version of things or just threatening them to the point where they're afraid to have their own opinion.

All that said, I really think I need to start a gay church where we pray to Prada or something, at least for the tax breaks that I don't get as a gay man with a spouse of 22 years because our commitment to one another doesn't afford us the same rights as heterosexuals!

Thanks again!

Amber 5 years ago

The Christian with the new (Republican) job chimes in...1) I love Junior Mints. 2) Nicole, it's not just population control---it's a thinly veiled effort to keep women barefoot and pregnant. Think the homeschooling thing is just because our schools suck? I've got news for you, people have been thinking the school system sucks since at least the 1950s. The homeschooling bit is just one more way "the man" is keeping women at home. (Disclaimer: parent, two kids, public schools, one kid w/special needs, and I work from home.) 3) Scott, be nice to the poultry people (my husband swears I was hatched from an egg) and the fleece bearers (my own private hobby horse)---otherwise you'll have hecklers in your Zumba class. :)

charlotte raby 5 years ago

Love it Scott! I think you're right about the mints. I have always felt a divine presence when eating them. Thank you for calling a spade a spade.

charlotte raby 5 years ago

Hey now - about home schooling - I'm an atheist home schooler who has schooled her children for 13 years! I have always felt uncomfortable with the fact that most people think I'm a religious nut because I home school. People haven't home schooled since the 50's because laws didn't allow them to. Even today, some state laws are quite restrictive.

Now, as to atheists offering porn and violence - why do religious folk assume that if someone doesn't believe in god (yes, not capitalized) that we must have no morals, follow no laws, and be basically of a degraded sort? Some of the best Christians/etc. I know are atheists.

somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

Have at 'em Charlotte! I've known you since we were something like 12 and I know you're a good gal with some great parenting and how you find time to do everything a Mormon/Christian woman is supposed to do (cooking, sewing, writing - and being published) is just exhausting for me to even think about let alone do. Maybe being an atheist gives you more time, I'm going to look into it. I need to enroll in your home school as I've apparently learned very little in life!

Nicole Winter profile image

Nicole Winter 5 years ago from Chicago, IL

charlotte raby: Sorry, the crack about violent video games and porn was from another hub I commented on, I didn't intend to cast amoral aspersions on our atheist friends! (I happen to like a bit of the ultra-violence ((in simulation!,)) almost as much as chocolate!) Scott, I *love* the church of Prada, perhaps your congregation could organize group discounts. I'd *so* be there.

charlotte raby 5 years ago

Scott - you crack me up! I think I am the best Mormon/Christian homemaker ever! I also think being an atheist home schooler is nearly as conspicuous as being a gay Jew!

And Nicole - it's okay!! It didn't sound like you were very serious about it, but I have met those who are! :)

Amber 5 years ago


I know there are plenty of non-Christian folks out there who are home-schooling by choice. It's a decision I respect (but alas, am psychologically unsuited to copy). I didn't mean to imply that everyone who was homeschooling was whooped. I just think that there's some nefarious politicking going on to push women who might not want to or be cut out to to do so because of their religious affiliation. The conspiracy theorist in me also thinks it's getting easier to do because the right wingnuts who have taken over so much of our political system are making it easier. That's great for people who WANT to do it, not so much for women who are guilted into doing it.

Rock on atheist home-schooling mama! :)

Kingskiddd1 profile image

Kingskiddd1 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Pull Back the Vail's and crack me up why, don't you?! LOL Holy "Scott" Batman!! That was an awesomely funny hub man! I haven't laughed that hard or long all day. I actually had to read it again, it was so funny. So, thank you for that Friday Gem. ;)

I will also join the bandwagon with you, I know a couple of Bible-Thumpers myself. Now, these aren't your normal 'one night during the week and only on Sunday, maybe a witness through a Facebook prayer' type parishioner's; Oh Know! These are the 'slap you with oil, sprinkle you with water, 8 hour stayers(and that 8 hours their pulling like it's a job is just on Sunday), whenever the door open up I'm there' type of cross-bearer. These are the more serious of the crowds.

Usually, I'm focused enough whereas I am capable of throwing up the blinders, and keeping it moving; totally leaving the "Royal Cross Guard" stunned at what just happened here. But, some of them are relentless; they will not take, "No, thank you" or even, "I said, NO!!", well at all. So by the time I have reached, "OK... Go on ahead lady/sir!"(raising my baritone voice into a slightly high tenor), I have totally laid every inch of class and queen etiquette out the window; at least the little that I've managed to hold onto until that point.

Sometimes Scott we have to lay down a little law, to get results. Some people don't respect boundaries anymore. They should start calling the Lbgt community, "The Reminders." Yeah, I like the sound of that. ;)

somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

Glad it gave you a laugh and I like the term "The Reminders!" hi-larious! Thanks for that, reading and writing in. If you'd like to read more visit the site at - you'll find my FB and twitter info there too! Follow along!

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