All the Interesting People are in Hell
I got into a rather strange discussion the other day with my boyfriend about who inhabits heaven.
“I thought all the good people go to Heaven.” He said, to which I replied, “Only the boring ones.”
“What about Da Vinci?”
“What about Galileo?”
“Bi-sexual frequenter of whores.”
“Oh come on, now you’re not even trying.”
“First rock star…. He probably had a different woman every night.”
The thirty names he listed after this fit under the gay category. Just because we’re a heterosexual couple doesn’t mean we don’t like to support talented gays. In any event we went through a very long list. This wasn’t the first time I had thought about it. As a girl I looked up to the scientifically minded and the utterly cantankerous. Most of them were atheists so they must be in Hell… H L Mencken, my favorite misanthrope, Aldous Huxley and the rest of the glorious Huxley family, George Carlin the funniest comedian ever, and Dante! Well Dante practically invented the place.
So if everyone who actually believes in science or has any artistic talent whatsoever is in Hell, who is in heaven? Serial killers of course! David Berkowitz, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Kazinski… oh yeah, they’ve all begged Jesus for forgiveness so they’re cool. They’re up there living the high life, probably hunting angels or something. And who else can we expect? Well I presume a lot of pedophile priests… I mean if you’re a priest that’s got to be a free pass or something… and there seems to be a lot of the buggars who just coincidentally happen to be pedophiles. And then there are esteemed individuals who carry both credits of being child fuckers and a serial killer like Wayne Hobbs, the child rapist that went on a 12 state killing spree and claimed to have killed 127 of the sweet little plums. He let Jesus into his heart literally only a few minutes before he was executed by the state.
So that’s the choice? You can go to heaven and hope you’re merely plunked into a neighborhood next to Maude Flanders and not some nasty child molesting old man oooor go to Hell where all the sane, logical, and talented people are…. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.
If you liked this article you may also appreciate Popes Gone Wild; What the Catholic Church Would Rather You Forget.
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