Anti-Socialism / Deliverance

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I Hate To Admit It. I Am Anti-Social


Thinking back to how I “used to be”, I find no trace of that person today. I was the one with the doors and arms always open. I loved being around people and needed companionship to feel complete.

I always kept one or two close friends and I always had some where to be. My life changed. Through a series of events that still hurt til this day.

My name is Vanessa and I am Anti-Social. I didn’t chose this, and I really didn’t realize this until last night. Sadly, I have had people tell me this often; yet, I shunned it off. In my mind, my reasons for being distant were justified by my past. What the reader needs to understand is, “anti-socialism has long-term effects and is a disorder”.

I can reflect now and understand that my need for companionship, was caused by early relationships. When people hear the word “relationship” they automatically assume that the joining of man and woman is the focus; however, relationships are not only the romantic involvement between a woman and man but the consistent interactions we have between any persons. My earlier relationships are concerning my family and particularly my parents.

I didn’t not have the loving- nurturing environment that most little girls had. Do not misunderstand me, I was NOT abused, nor was I victim of any type of misbehavior. What I am referring to is the lack of hugs and kisses and the things that mothers and daughters did. My parents were not married; but they both married my step parents when I was young. Both sets of my parents are still married today. I have always had a positive family structure, yet I lacked the loving environment.

Maternal

My mother was in the military and my dad lived in a town about 30 miles from where we stayed. I had very close relationships to my grandmothers. My mother’s mom was a home body. She never drove and my mother was her only child. My mother was a rebel. She was always the one in trouble and from what I hear her mouth got her a many butt whippings. My mom had a terrible relationship with her grandmother. She has never really discussed much of it with me but I can remember a conversation with my mom as she described the day my great-grandmother died. She told me that she was walking up to the yard and she noticed my grandmother and aunt out on the porch crying. She walked near and asked my grandmother what was wrong? My grandmother replied and said, “She gone, my mama done left us.” My mother told me that she responded by saying, “So?”


Now I could not grasp this, especially because she told me this on the day that her mother, my grandmother died. I was distraught. My grandmother was my best friend. She played games with me, gave me the things my mom wouldn’t. She sang to me at night and she loved me with all of her heart. I was 15 when she died. My grandmother was not married to my grandfather. My grandfather was married when he met my grand-mother and conceived my mom.


In hind- sight I realize that my mother could not comfort, or love me because she was never taught to. There is no doubt that she loves me. For some reason, I was not allowed to spend time with or build relationships with people on my mother’s side of the family. I have one cousin on that side that I talk to. Most of the women on that side have suffered from a mental disorder and it ranges from the smallest to the greatest. Even the cousin that I talk to is on medication. All of my great-aunts were diagnosed with a disorder. My mother was the only child, just as I am her only child.

Paternal

I spent summers and holidays with my father’s parents. My dad’s family lived in a small town and everyone was close. I had aunts, uncles, many cousins, and of course there were my grandparents. My grandparents were two spunky individuals. They were in their 60’s when I was born. This never stopped them from being involved in community things or playing around with us. My dad’s family, is a family with old noble traditions. The daughters cooked at the mother’s house on Sunday and every evening my uncles and aunts were at my grandparent’s house shooting the breeze.

I learned to cook, sew, and clean from my dad’s mom. She was a peace-keeper. She was stern, and although she never spanked me she meant business. I have developed most of my personality from her.

My grandfather was equally as stern; however he did something that my grandmother did not do, that was cuss…a lot. Anyone who knows me knows that I inherited that as well. He was a good man. Strong and hardworking. Both he and his wife developed Alzheimer’s towards the end of their lives.

When visiting my family for the summer and holidays, I would rarely get a chance to spend time with my father. I stayed at my grand-parent’s house when I was young but began staying with my cousin and her parents when I got older. My cousin is 3 months younger than I and we were basically raised like sisters. Out of 8 siblings, my daddy and her mom were the youngest.

My not staying with my father was really based on my fear of sleeping alone. See at home I slept with my mom or grandmother, and when I came out to visit, I slept between my grandparents or with my cousin. I nor my brothers were allowed to sleep with our parents at my dad’s. We were made to sleep in our own rooms. I was afraid to sleep alone because I suffered from sleep paralysis at an early age.


The Beginning: Sleep Paralysis

Of course you have heard the stories of the devil riding you, but that is not so far from the truth. Think about it, if you have ever had one. First, you feel the presence of something else. Second, you are restricted in some form or fashion whether it is movement or breathing. Third, you are fighting against something, and you are well aware that it is in the room with you. Last, you wake up and your body is still in the position you started out in, when you know you felt yourself all over the bed.


My sleep paralysis, wasn’t only confound to these characteristics simply because, sometimes, after I would wake up, I could distinctly hear the running of feet, or movements in the house. Sometimes, as I drifted off to sleep I would be awakened by someone calling my name, or familiar voices laughing or shouting. This is separate from the loud buzzing in my ear, and the sound being sucked out of the room when I was fully awake. As a child I was afraid to be alone.

I always had to have someone near me, I needed to have company and I could never tell anyone of this because my paternal grandmother told me not to. I hid it. I hid it from my parents.

I have always been a night person. I try my best to stay up as long as I could or have a job that had me working overnight just so I could be tired enough to fall right to sleep. It did not stop it, but it did make it occur less. I would have them in the middle of the day when I would fall asleep.

I always felt like I was being watched. I drank and smoked marijuana during my high school and teenage years. The drinking would ensure me that I would have no episodes, but the marijuana made them worse. If I had just alcohol, or weed and alcohol; I would go right to sleep, but just on weed and no alcohol it’s like my episodes were doubled in intensity.

This drained me, it made not want to talk people or trust people, but I still didn’t want to be alone. This is where my need for a relationship came in and I just had to have a boyfriend. I honestly believe that my failed relationships and my not wanting to be very active with them, is a direct result of this. See, I didn’t need a boyfriend in the sense of the word, I just needed someone there with me at night. This works for me, still I can remember a couple of times when I have had an episode with someone asleep next to me…and they didn’t feel a thing.

In sleep paralysis, the body remains paralyzed in REM while the brain awakens and the eyes start to open, explains Breus. Sufferers become alert in a transient conscious state, but they are unable to move voluntary muscles or speak. Although involuntary muscle movement, like breathing, is not affected, there is often a sensation of chest pressure, which is why many people wake up from sleep paralysis gasping to take a deep breath. Episodes can last anywhere from 20 seconds to a few minutes.

Michael Breus, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and fellow of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine,

Dreams

My dreams are phenomenal. I have had some that have predicted things in my life. I have dreamed silly things. I have had the grandest most extravagant dreams, and I have had some to shake me to my core-to the point where I could not bring myself to get out of bed. My dreams show me cataclysmic events that depicts me running for my life or casting out demon spirits. I hated to go to sleep. Still.

Tried to do it myself

I have learned to be alone. I no longer feel that I have to be next to someone at night, because my experiences have made me anti-social. In 2007, I moved to another part of town; this area was distant from the neighborhoods and friends that I was accustomed to. I wanted to be away from everyone. The circumstances of my life had finally caught up with me; I was tired of being bothered in my sleep, and when I was awake. Although I had a companion, my life outside of work had become very dull and secluded.

I began taking my lunch breaks alone, I stopped visiting my family, and friends. I began doing things alone that I would customarily do with someone else. For fear of whatever was bothering me, I began locking my door at night so my daughter wouldn’t come in and it bother her too. Out of all of my worries, my daughter’s peace and wholeness of life was more important to me than anything. So I changed my life.

I lost my companion in 2007 as well, four months after we moved there. I dreamed it several times; I just didn’t know that I was seeing him. The dream was one that I had 6 times. I was driving home from work in this dream and there would be a white truck on the side of the road, and from the driver’s side the truck, the truck looked fine; but, as I rode pass it, and the passenger side came into view it was completely obliterated. The door ripped off and the frame was smashed in. There was someone on the driver’s side but no one on the passenger side. The front passenger side of the truck was resting on a tree and there was smoke and bushes all around.

He died in his white work truck. That afternoon he allowed his driver to drive them because he was tired. The driver fell asleep and they went off the road. The passenger side where he was sitting was completely missing, it was the side that hit the tree. The driver side was untouched and the driver suffered from a broken wrist and a broken left leg.

I never felt that the dream was about him or anyone I knew; I dreamed this over and over again, and had no clue that I was seeing how my fiancé would die. I made it a point that, if I ever found anyone to love me again, that I would not give my entire heart to them. It was the worst hurt of my life. I could not bear the thought of losing somebody like that again.

This is when I began to monitor my dreams. This is when I began to take account. Sadly, I had, had other dreams to come to pass as well, and all were as vague as this.

As the years passed, I became more and more secluded. People at my job had no clue as to the life I had outside of work. I was always tired, coffee and pills to keep me up and pills to put me to sleep. I would be found sleeping in my car often, because my physical body was so tired. Spiritual warfare does this to the natural body. It breaks you down, to the point that, not only your habits change but also your physical health.

For me it was in 2012. I was sick and did not know why. During this time I began to listen to binaural music under the false assumption that it would aid in sleeplessness. What I did not know was that it opened up doorways to the spirit world. I had less sleep paralysis but was hearing sounds and voices right at the edge of falling asleep. I would hear whole conversations sometimes; it was so clear that I could actually repeat it back to myself when I awoke. I could hear my friend’s voices and could tell what music was playing in the background. One night, while was I drifting off, I began hearing my friend Rahshadda speaking to someone. I could not make out who she was talking to at first. The strange thing was that her voice seemed stressed, almost like she was half sleep talking to the person. Then I distinctly heard my own voice and I said, “What is your favorite color?” I heard her say, “Purple”. This woke me up. It scared me, especially because I knew that I had never had that conversation with her. The next day I called her and had to ask the question. I asked her, what her favorite color was and she told me that it was purple.

I understood then that, when I was hearing my own voice, I was asking her this mentally. This was a new frontier for me.

As for my illness during this time, I suffered from sleep deprivation, dehydration, my white blood cell count was high and my red blood cell count was low. I had a metallic taste in my mouth, weakness, muscle pains, and headaches. The first three blood workups led my doctor to believe that I had bone marrow cancer. The fourth and final one revealed that my Iron was low.

Once I learned that I could communicate subtly with people, I abused it. I used it every night, I listened to binaural beats every night. I ate less, and I slept less. This did not help me it made me worst. I believe that I have done irreversible damage because, I still have issues with my iron. Sometimes while drifting, I still reach people unintentionally, telepathy and or the practice of it is not of God.

My interactions with people now only existed on a work level. I hardly spoke with family outside of my daughter. My work and writing became dark in nature. In 2012 I wrote some of the darkest poetry of my life.

I worked and lived to come home and learn more about mental manipulation. I would reason with myself and instead of seeking advice, I began leaning to my own understanding; which the Bible warns against. I believed that because my gifts were natural that it was okay for me to use them and to practice them.

I began practicing the PUSH for long periods of time. This is where you focus on an object and physically move it without touching it. This was exhausting. The amount of energy and focus that it takes to do this strains the body on levels unbelievable. Practicing this made my nose bleed, and caused headaches.

I noticed a blatant disrespect for authority, in myself and a need to overrule others in their decisions at work. I was more aggressive now that ever in my life. When I was in middle school I was probably almost as aggressive. During my time in middle school I was understanding that I was different and started trying to control what I was.

This new me, was mean, quiet, and always thinking of ways to do things that I shouldn’t have. I was miserable and cried all the time. I would take breaks just to go and cry.

I love being alone, I enjoyed silence and darkness. I hated it when my phone rang and I didn’t like for people to touch me. I started making a routine out of doing everything, from the way I got dressed, to how I ate, even the path I took to work. I was looking for the diversion, always looking for a sign.

I became fixated with shapes and patterns and hated when someone interrupt me as I counted tiles on the floor or cars in a parking lot. I was beginning to not be recognizable to myself. I was afraid, and alone, and I like it.

I felt that because I was different, I deserved to be alone. A grand trick of Satan is to isolate you so that you can be alone. I was determine to end what I went through, and I did the worst thing that anyone should have done; I tried to fight a spiritual battle with something other than Christ. Essentially, I was contacting Satan, to fight Satan. I became Anti-Social.


So what is anti-social behavior?

According to Pyshc-Central.com, it is, “Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of a disregard for other people’s rights, often crossing the line and violating those rights. It usually begins in childhood or as a teen and continues into their adult lives.

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the norm of the individual’s culture. The pattern is seen in two or more of the following areas: cognition; affect; interpersonal functioning; or impulse control. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations. It typically leads to significant distress or impairment in social, work or other areas of functioning. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back to early adulthood or adolescence.”

Psych Central. (2014). Antisocial Personality Disorder Symptoms. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 5, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/

I love the fact that science has a way to define and justify the behaviors of people with a complex sentence. Science to me is a sophisticated way to denote attributions of spirituality to a presence other than God. When in fact the God head is the science and the only thing that should be studied. A better relationship with him, is the key to knowledge of self and of existence.

No medication ever worked for me. It is important to know that all medications conjure a particular spirit assigned to it, and activates specific portions of the brain. Pharmacutics are a form of witch craft in themselves, we much also know that we were created perfect, we were not designed to have infirmities. Familiar spirits cause illness. This is why faith healing was so prevalent in its time. There are so many scriptures that link disorders and healing to demonic possession.

Matt 12:22 Then was brought unto him one having a DEMON, blind, and dumb: and he healed him, insomuch that the blind and dumb both spake and saw.

Mark 7:26 The woman was a Greek, a Syrophenician by nation; and she besought him that he would cast forth the DEMON OUT of her daughter.

Mark 7:29 And he said unto her, For this saying go thy way; the DEMON is gone OUT of thy daughter.

Mark 7:30 And when she was come to her house, she found the DEMON gone OUT, and her daughter laid upon the bed

Luke 8:29 (For he had commanded the unclean SPIRIT to come OUT of the man. For oftentimes it had caught him: and he was kept bound with chains and in fetters; and he brake the bands, and was driven of the DEMON into the wilderness.)

Matt 4:24 And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which had DEMONS, and those which were lunatic, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them

Matt 8:28 And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two having DEMONS, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way


These scriptures specifically speak of infirmity or mental illness. Think about the modern day mental wards. People are bound, and chained so they will not cause harm on themselves or others. If there is a difference between demonic possession and mental illness how are these boundaries distinguishable?


Demon possession and mental illness, then, are not simply alternative diagnoses to be offered when a person presents with deliberate self harm or violent behavior, although they may need to be distinguished in such circumstances, whether by spiritual discernment or the application of basic psychiatric knowledge. It would seem reasonable to argue that demon possession may be an etiological factor in some cases of mental illness, but it may also be an etiological factor in some non-psychiatric conditions, and in other cases it may be encountered in the absence of psychiatric or medical disorder. Furthermore, demon possession is essentially a spiritual problem, but mental illness is a multifactorial affair, in which spiritual, social, psychological and physical factors may all play an etiological role. The relationship between these concepts is therefore complex. Differential diagnostic skills may have a part to play in offering help to those whose problems could be of demonic or medical/psychiatric origin. However, spiritual discernment is of at least equal, if not greater, importance in such matters”

Chris Cook. Christian Medical Fellowship

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.

James 5:15

The anti-social behavior, is the gateway to isolation and idleness. The feeling or rejection and being alone is the goal of the enemy. I was used to plot my own demise. I sensationalized everything bad that had ever happened to me and used it to support my withdrawal from society and my fondling of witchcraft.

For everything that God has for us there is an exact opposite in the order of evil. Because of my turmoil. I turned away from churches, and anything that resembled religious structure. See respect for structure is also a component of anti-socialism. Going against the grain is all too common appearing in modern society. It is oaky to be unique and different; however, your path needs to be aligned with righteousness for it to be blessed.

We are commanded to worship and fellowship together so that our tongues and praises be heard before God. It is not permissible to represent Christ with a contrite heart.

But if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin

1 John 1:7


Last Night

We arrived in South Carolina for a funeral. I have known my friend for over 15 years and had no problem when he asked me to go. When we arrived his family was so happy and wanted to talk and get to know me I felt so uncomfortable just being around them and all the while they were speaking to me I was talking to myself. I just wanted them to go away. I felt nauseous because I felt trapped. I retreated to the guest room I was staying and began praying, and asking God to please make them leave me alone. Then in my head out of now where, it came to me, “They are not the problem”. It occurred to me that they were normal people. Then just as fast as the thought passed, the word “anti-social” came and went as well. I had to understand what this meant. So many people use the term so loosely that they do not understand the power of their words as they speak this upon people and claim it for themselves as if it is a noble status.

This is not something I desire to be. This is something I need deliverance from. This is my deliverance.

Have You Experienced This?

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