Apparently You Shouldn’t Call Someone “Satan’s Helper” in Idaho
For most of my life I have used self deprecating humor as a way to take the focus off of me and get it on me at the same time. Only someone who uses this brand of humor can understand what I’m talking about. It’s like the person who doesn’t want to stand out in a crowd but wears outrageous clothes that makes everyone stare. But you see (as I’ve learned from Stacy and Clinton from TLC’s What Not To Wear) people do this so that the clothes get the attention and people couldn’t even tell you what the person inside those clothes looked like if they had to for the police or if someone was holding a gun to their head. So often my self deprecating humor found its way into the world of double entendre and one-liners that would make Henny Youngman proud. So recently when traveling on business and going down to that small area by the front desk of my hotel where you can charge everything from a large bottle of water to a half pint of Ben & Jerry’s to your room, I had the bottle of water in my hand and as the front desk woman asked me my last name so that she could charge it to the room she asked me if I was going to get anything else as I salivated looking at the box of Oreos. When I said I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted some of the crap food, she encouraged me to get it and as so often happens, I just said what came to my mind and said, “What are you Satan’s helper?” Her face and demeanor changed immediately. She became curt and business-like. Apparently you shouldn’t call someone “Satan’s Helper” in Idaho – Don’t Get Me Started!
The woman whom I know have no doubt is a good church going someone (and perhaps even goes to the Church of the Later Day Suckers from the billboards I saw as I drove in from the Salt Lake City, Utah airport into Pocatello, Idaho) obviously also has no sense of humor. If there’s one thing I can’t stand about someone it’s their not having a sense of humor. I feel badly for these people who seem to never get the joke and I feel even worse for those people who think they have a sense of humor but they really just tell bad jokes that got turned down by the World’s Worst Joke Book editors for being just too bad. (And not in a Michael Jackson “I’m Bad” kind of way where bad means good)
And so I’ve decided to help you out with some of my favorite one-liners and double entendres that work in most situations to make people think you’re witty and to garner a laugh or two from your audience of friends, family, co-workers or complete strangers.
Here is my favorite all around best line to use in almost any situation – “That’s what she/he said!” This can be used when anyone says almost anything and it makes you seem as if you are an authority on all things sexual. Here’s an example, a workman is at your house trying desperately to remove the spoon that you’ve ground down to a nub in your garbage disposal, he says, “I can’t get it out.” You reply with a good, “That’s what she said” You’ve broken the ice, you’ve gotten a laugh and under the right circumstances you’ve got a date and/or immediate sex!
Next up, “Ugly Squared” this happened by accident once when a friend of mine and I went into someone’s house and saw an ugly lamp. He said, “God, is that lamp awful or what?” I said, “That lamp is so ugly it’s ugly squared.” Just like in a math equation, this immediately tells someone that this is an ugly with attitude, so ugly it’s doubly ugly!
“Boy is his homework tough” this is used when you have a friend who has a boyfriend who is a problem (yes, can be used for a girlfriend too, I’m giving examples based on the male gay world here). Just like when you were in school and had tough homework, this phrase implies that not only is your friend’s lover an ass in public but when they’re at home you’re friend has it even worse. Whitney Houston when she was married to Bobby Brown, boy was her homework tough!
“More tampered with than Tylenol in the 80’s!” I used this first to describe Natalie Suleyman’s face when she first burst on the scene. Although she claimed that she had no plastic surgery done I disagreed. So as I was typing my blog about her it just came to me (I think divine intervention or at the very least Charles Nelson Reilly channeling through me – with Brett Somers by his side) “Puhlease, that girl’s face has been tampered with more than Tylenol in the 80’s.”
Those are your first four sure fire “lines” to use to make people laugh and generally enjoy you more. Please let me know how they work out for you (though I take no responsibility if you end up getting beat up so use at your own discretion and risk). You see, only certain phrases are acceptable at certain times and sometimes it’s best to keep your mouth shut. I know that’s how the front desk person felt (and probably still feels) about me. I just know she’s praying for me in a church somewhere. Lesson learned. Apparently you shouldn’t call someone “Satan’s Helper” in Idaho – Don’t Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
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