At De@th

At De@th

I've been here before. Wait a minute. Where am I?

Anything that has ever defined who I thought I was is gone.

I guess I must've been absent from school when they taught the evolutionary stages of life skills you are required to attain in order to succeed at any degree in this life. Bummer, because now I'm a bum.

I've been dwelling in this same house with no car, no job, nothing, for at least half of my disasterous existance it seems.

I've far surpast any form of insanity and am more prepared to figure a way to commit suicide to what's left of the machine that is strung out in peices in my head. Is it really all that sad being content with excepting my life as the failure it actually is, pulling the plug, and moving on. Heaven or Hell? Suicide might cause the wraths of hell to be cast upon you. That sucks.

These suicidal thoughts are a million times more serious than all those so called loved ones could even imagine. I've spent hours just contemplating the pain. Sitting there for hours just grazing the skin that protects the veins that pump the blood which sustains me to stay alive. And all that work that my body is doing is in vain, so to speak. I continue to consistantly malfunction, so what's the use.

When you've been up and down for as long as I have you begin to believe you're someone entirely different. It's a defence mechanism I suppose. When you've blown all your chances life has blessed you with and you've got nobody to blame but yourself, you really start to not even want to be yourself, or exist for that matter.

Whats even crazier, is that my opinion about anything is way worse when I'm off the junk. As you've already learned by now, getting high, is my way to not deal with life. It simplifys things. When your high, all you care about is staying high. I no longer care that I no longer have a car. And who really wants to work? All the relationships, past, present, and soon to be over don't bother me. Oh yeah, I guess it has been a while since I took a shower or even brushed my teeth.

All those worries are forgot about for a moment. When you can't feel, you don't care.

I've been putting off feelings for so long now, every time I do stay clean, for any amount of time, I just get angrier and angrier, about the terrible mess I've made of my sorry excuse for a life.

Today, I mistakenly made an appearance at my parents house. Fortunatly, I was wound for sound so no feelings could get to me. Sorry Dad! I could tell you were trying extra hard this time too. I bet you thought you were striking a nerve huh?

Knock knock. Sorry nobodys home. Ha ha.

There's no words for how I feel at this very moment. What have I done to myself?

I had more choices in prison.

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thirst4more 6 years ago from Kansas City Author


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