Be (a) God
Have you ever dreamt of being a Supreme Being? Do you think you have what it takes to be Ruler of the Cosmos? The Alpha and the Omega? Well, have faith in me (the almighty creator of rickzworld), it’s actually easier than you might think! Follow these simple steps and soon you’ll have a following.
Things you’ll need include a supreme ego, and a desire to look down on us mere mortals.
Let us, pray, begin. You probably think the time of the gods has passed, that perhaps you should have started this several thousands of years ago last week. Wrong! While it’s true that many gods have got a head start on you — Yahweh dates from almost 3,000 years ago; Greek and Roman gods from about the same period; Buddha lived about 2,500 years ago; Jesus was born over 2,000 years ago— it’s always the right time for a new god! The Angel Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith as late as 1823, leading to the founding of the Mormon faith. Hey, L. Ron Hubbard created Scientology, that ‘religion’ that preys on gullible celebrities, as recently as 1952 (just a few years before the Edsel — coincidence? I think not!). So, of course you can found your godhead in the 21st Century! Just think of yourself as a Thoroughly Modern Messiah!
One of the first things you must do is brand your faith: develop those truly unique aspects of your creed that distinguish it from all those other faiths out there. You know — afterlife? no afterlife? levitation? reincarnation? transubstantiation? excommunication? time-share vacation? Remember: it’s impossible to be too wacky! If Ganesh can have a pot belly, four arms and the head of an elephant, you can claim that scattering pigeons represent one’s fleeting vices, or that belching is the highest form of prayer. And, if Buddha is always represented in a monastic robe, with elongated earlobes and a spire on his head, you can certainly be seen in that moldy Rush t-shirt, Disney flip-flops and bad hair.
Next, you’ll have to learn to be mean — I mean, downright nasty! Every god worth the name sooner or later opens a can of whup-ass on his (or, more often, other) people. Yahweh turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, and tested Job mightily. Allah reportedly advocates the slaying of infidels (i.e. anyone not a worshiper of — you guessed it — Allah). And don’t even get me started on that whole flood thing! Only if you are at times wrathful with your followers can you, by contrast, be seen to be oh so kind and merciful at other times.
Don’t worry if you’re not really omniscient; not even a god can know EVERYTHING, for Christ’s sake. Just don’t get real specific when you answer people’s prayers, and they’ll never notice the difference. Be aloof and enigmatic, and speak like you’re a fortune cookie (example: Harmonious is the flight of the butterfly!) and you’ll do fine. And don’t let anyone trip you up with that ‘I thought god has a plan’ refrain; you can always blame unexpected situations and outcomes on that silly ol’ thing known as ‘free will’.
Then you must develop a religion to go along with your godliness. After all, you don’t really expect people to venerate you without having a whole raft of ridiculous rules, restrictions, rituals and regimens to follow, do you? Humans only worship what they’ve suffered for. So, have them, for example, somersault over sawhorses, or never change their underwear, or anoint the backs of each ear with herb garlic cream cheese, or send $17.50 out of every paycheck to Reynaldo’s Hands-Free Car Wash, Hermosa Beach, California. Have fun! Be creative! They’ll worship you for the therapeutic struggle and denial you’ve found them worthy of undertaking. John Lennon said it best in 1970: “God is a concept by which we measure our pain.”
Word to the wise god: give up that scent of Old Spice or Brut or Axe Body Spray or Liz Taylor’s Passion or crushed Gardenias, in favor of incense and sandalwood.
Finally, to successfully spread the one true Word to the faithful (as well as all those potential converts out there), write down everything you’ve said, and everything anybody else ever thought you said, and leave copies in hotel room nightstands. Then, place your likeness on everything you can: prayer cards, candles, medallions, ponchos, corkscrews, baby shoes, placemats, belt buckles, keychains, ties, sweatbands, coverlets, mittens, lunchboxes, wristwatches, sneakers, diapers, baseball caps, gift wrap, soda fountain glasses, money clips, radial tires, bottle openers, box cutters, pencils, beanies, water bottles, bumper stickers, disposable lighters, an exclusive line of ladies lingerie, prayer rugs, fanny packs, lottery tickets, kneepads, novelty pens, handbags, toilet cakes, and authentic souvenirs from your birthplace. Stay focused, and soon your godship will be all present, everywhere, all the time, just like all those other so-called gods.