God Dropped Me
One of the first things I learned about God was through the ever famous Footprints poem. It explained that during the tough times there would only be one set of footprints in the sand, not because God has left your side, but because he is carrying you. In this moment, I feel God has dropped me. In my toughest time of my life I have ever seen thus far, God feels miles away.
Why can some people pray more during their toughest times, believe hardships are all part of God's plan, and accept they are simply being divinely tested? What an enormous amount of blind faith and part of me thinks they might be ignorant. I just want to shout at them "Can't you see the roof is caving in around you"!?! Yet another part of me is envious and thinks it admirable they hold onto something, like faith, so strong and unshaken. I'm not sure if I can remember ever standing my ground for something with such undying enthusiasm. Yes, I've prayed during these tough times, but certainly not with conviction. God give me conviction.
We tend to only think of God on Sunday, or during an award speech "I'd like to thank my mother and God, etc", but I think of him the most when times are tough. I am wondering if he is thinking of me. We can equally attribute the good times to him and the bad, but what if, and how do we know, he is there during any of those times at all? Perhaps the good times was luck or karma and not God at all. Is he always with us, good and bad times?
I am fully aware tough times are part of life, maybe a good, necessary spiritual and character building part of life, but they are usually interspersed with some good times or a feeling God is carrying you and a showing you a way out. These periodic good times remind us and comfort us, carrying us just far enough to make it through the next tough situation. It helps to see a glimmer of hope, but what if God doesn't show you that hope? What if God isn't the one to help me through the tough times- it seems I am relying on myself this time.
God has not been by my side for nearly 2 years. My "glimmer" of hope is the glare from my computer screen as I write this. I have seen my share of hardships for not even being midlife so it's not like it's "my turn". Every aspect of my life has been turned into a major hardship, everything is a struggle, every time I open the mail, get a phone call, put my heart and soul into something only to fail, do everything right but still have to fight. I have to admit all this makes me upset and proves God has dropped me.
Many years ago I had a tough ordeal to get through and God was right there, in fact, it's when I began to open my eyes to Him and he blatantly proved Himself to me. I guess I'm having a problem this time because I want that same feeling again, for Him to announce His presence like He did before. I need Him more than ever so why can't I find Him. Last time, He sought me, this time I am searching.
Why are we "tested"? God tests us and the devil tempts us. I'd prefer tempting over testing any day. Don't you think God should find a better way of recruiting? I don't like tests, never have. I do well on them but I almost suffer a heart attack trying to pass. God is putting me through some serious test anxiety without preparing me or giving me the tools to pass. OK maybe that's not true. I have had an unusual and rough life and maybe all that was to prepare me for an even rougher life- well, that sounds fair (not). I feel like a stomping 2 year old in a fit. I just don't understand.
I really can't even take God seriously anymore. Every time something else comes up, I just laugh and cock my head up toward the heavens above and say, "very funny. Is that all you got?" Or as Jim Carey's character says in the movie 'Bruce Almighty', "Smite me Almighty Smiter"! So here I am, I hopelessly gaze around me only to see one set of footprints, but I know, and feel, it is only me. When I ask him "Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me"? There is no answer, only the heavy imprint of my footprints burying deeper, burdened with defeat during my toughest times.
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