History of the Egglaying Easterbunny

Ah, Easter baskets and chocolate bunnies, what could be better? Christian children across the globe wake up Easter morning with a glee ill-fitting of the holiday itself. Easter is the day Christians 'celebrate' the resurrection of Jesus. However, ask any small child what Easter is and they'll probably give you their own history...

Easter is the day Jesus popped out of a chocolate egg, covered in caramel, and began to gather his disciples around for a wild story. Apparently after he died God lost him in a bureaucratic mess and somehow he found himself not in Heaven but trapped in a chocolate caramel filled Easter egg that coincidentally was laid by none other then a confused chocolate rabbit who had a crazy X-rated run-in with a marshmallow chick the night before. Hence the reason a rabbit laid an egg. To commemorate this crazy set of unlikely circumstances the rabbit decided to dole out dozens of chocolate Easter eggs and candy to adoring children every year on the same day.

OK, maybe not, however that story sadly makes more sense then the real story of how Easter got mixed up with this whole rabbit business. When Jesus was crucified there were millions of Pagans living all across the globe like fleas on an enormous dog. These Pagans often worshipped fertility figures like the rabbit who seemed to have an unnatural predisposition to pop out children like they were Pez candies. As early as three months of age rabbits would go out with their bunny lovers and come home knocked up continuously for the rest of their lives, watching up to eight offspring shoot into the world every six or so weeks. Amazing. At least the ancient Pagans thought so. They also found eggs amazing, and good for fertility rituals.

Pagans worshipped the beginning of Spring with fertility rituals and tales of fertility figures and symbols. Worshipping a fertility God or Goddess would bless them in the warmer months with many children and bountiful crops for them to begrudgingly work on. When Catholics came onto the scene they weren't impressed, but they did have a driving need to save the heathens from their mistaken ways. The best way to do this was of course through trickery.

Early European Catholics discovered it was easier to win converts if the Pagans could still celebrate their Pagan holidays. So they decided to change Christ's birthday to December 25th (suspiciously around the Winter Equinox which Pagans celebrated) and Spring fertility celebrations somehow became Easter. Christ's planner was all screwed up but the Catholics were overjoyed to bring the barbarians under their fold.

Pagan traditions didn't die off. They just got stolen by the Catholics (and later Christians) who claimed them as their own, with no proof of this. The Easter bunny actually comes from a Germanic tradition abount an ancient fertility Goddess by the name of Eostre. Eoster was a kind deity and it is said that when she found a bird with a broken wing she took pity on it but for some odd reason she didn't use her divine powers to fix the bird's wing, instead she turned it into a rabbit, which didn't have wings. This rabbit was still part bird in the sense that it now was given the ability to lay eggs, even in it's current bunny form. This was the mixing of fertility symbols in a story so perfect no Christian could squelch it, so instead they stole it and claimed it was theirs. They weren't creative enough to come up with an alternate retelling of history to explain why.

Now Christian children the world over get all the benefits of Pagan fertility rituals with none of the Christian guilt and shame and their parents get to watch the TV as this bizarre custom reaches new absurdities when the egg-laying rabbit shows up in Cadbury commercials boking like a chicken. I can think of no better way to confuse small children then this. Amen.

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Comments 11 comments

Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Hilarious! This litany is better than the Family Guy episode in which, sudeenly in mid-scene, a rabbit appears and the dad berates the easter bunny for stealing Easter from Jesus.

Brava, bravo, bravi!


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Full of fun insights as always! Great piece!


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 8 years ago from New England Author

Thank you, thank you. Usually I get flamed out of communities for being a blasphemer... Perhaps my heathen satire has found a home at last. :)


Cybermouse profile image

Cybermouse 8 years ago from Bentonville, AR

Excellent hub! Aside from your assertion that the whole Catholic mix-up makes less sense than the x-rated Easter bunny encounter, it's so very refreshing to me to read about truth, instead of blindly celebrating such a silly holiday with no better reason than "shoot, we did it last year!" The whole Easter and then Halloween and then Christmas thing never really clicked with me since they're never mentioned at all by Jesus, or anywhere in the Bible for that matter. The only "holy day" I remember reading about is the Passover, and how many people do you hear saying "I'm excited, next week is the passover!" I doubt half of society even knows when the passover is, let alone that Jesus asked us to celebrate it in remembrance of Him. I will agree that Christians have been and still are very inconsistent with their beliefs; this is why my children are not going to know what Easter or Halloween or Christmas is. Ah well, I'm just a stick in the mud I guess. But, I'm a stick in the mud that's been saved by Jesus and wants to live like it. Lol...I'm not flaming you for being a blasphemer, but I'm glad instead that your heathen satire had some element of truth in it.


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 8 years ago from New England Author

Yes, those crazy Catholics (and later Christians) were always pulling stunts such as these. Christmas, Halloween, Easter... they're all stolen Pagan holidays. Halloween and its traditions holds a special place in my heart though because after stealing it from Pagans (All Hallow's Eve and Day turned into All Saints Day and then Halloween) then they appear to have lost concentration. Around here several branches of Christians denounce Halloween as Satanism... After they'e the ones who stole it and brought it to the states... Amazing case of historical ADD if you ask me. My satirical blasphemies always have truth in them (whether it be history or quotations) and I'm fairly certin that's why they really tend to irk some people someties. Ah well. So long as someone else enjoys em'.


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Thanks for doing this HUB, I love it but I'm still not sure how to explain this...this...to my granddaughter whose question I couldn't answer. Hence the request for this hub.....Hmmm a wingless chicken in a rabbit fur coat....I wonder how that would go over? I need to rehash that....too funny

Thanks for a great fun hub regards Zsuzsy


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 8 years ago from New England Author

Ah, well, that's a whole other cans of worms entirely. I'm not so good with children so perhaps you should ask how to translate this mess to child-ese from someone else... ;)


AEsirHM profile image

AEsirHM 8 years ago from Virginia, United States

Thank you for posting this Hub. I have been saying pretty much the same thing to people for months and no one believes it. It's good to see someone else actually willing to research these traditions and find where they really came from.


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 8 years ago from New England Author

No problem... I've always got my eye on those who claim not to know what's going on... Religious leaders make sad liars. I rather like the idea of Pagan Easter.


SHARY 7 years ago

HI HI HI HI HI HI EASTER BUNNY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU

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