How To Hunt For Ghosts At Home

A dog, being haunted. It would appear that dogs don't mind being haunted.
A dog, being haunted. It would appear that dogs don't mind being haunted.

Ghost hunting is an activity that is fun for the whole family, especially the members of the family with weak bladders. By simply turning off the lights in your home and embarking on a fun evening of ghost hunting, you save money on your power bill, reduce your carbon footprint, and face existential fears head-on. If you haven't hunted for ghosts in your living room yet, you haven't lived. Not at all.

How To Get Started

  • Assign the role of lead ghost hunter to the person in your family with the silliest hair. It's a well known fact that the psychically gifted have insane hair.


  • Bring a camera. Turn off the flash, the flash is known to scare ghosts and cause them to melt into the furniture. The last thing anyone wants is to have the ghost of a Maori Chieftain stuck in their sofa for all eternity. For best results, use a night vision filter, through which everyone, even your dear old grandmother, will look ethereal and menacing.


  • Sit in the dark and wait for ghosts to emerge. This may sometimes take several hours, or sometimes, several days. Be patient. Eventually a pale face will loom from a dark spot in the room, instantly bonding your family through the forces of shared hallucination.


  • If no ghosts are to be found, have someone go to the bathroom alone and flush the toilet. It is well known that flushing the toilet in the dark conjures up foul spirits that can only be evaded by running to the nearest blanket and hiding under it. For fun, try excluding your least favorite family member from the protective blanket and see if they are consumed by paranormal beings.


But Are Ghosts Dangerous?

Remember that most ghosts aren't malevolent. Ghost hunting is like the real life trawling of an invisible phantom Facebook. Most ghosts will simply want to impress you with their extreme party nature. Some ghosts will troll you by attempting to scare you with threats of static interference, but their largely impermanent (and one could say, imaginary) nature usually means that any malevolent effects will not be felt five minutes after turning the lights back on and watching 15 minutes of the E! Channel.

If you do find your home inhabited by a malevolent spirit, invest in cable. Just a few minutes of Lindsay Lohan's crying mug or in depth reporting of a potential relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart is enough to exorcise the dead of any interest in the affairs of the living. It is often enough to exorcise the living of any interest in the living.

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