If I were Satan?

"If I were Satan?" It is a strange title but I was thinking, "What would I do if I wanted to screw up the works of God?" Hmm?

First, I would start organized religions, a bunch of them. They would all think that they are exclusively right! Oh yes...I can make evil appear to be good. Make them believe that the earth is 6,000 years old. LOL....It took me that long to explain the Platypus I designed to my fellow fallen angels. You know, that poisonous beaver/duck thing. Nobody is perfect!

Second....Hmm? I have to have a lure. Ah....money and power! Somebody has to run and promote the religion. YES!.....pay them very well! Take excellent care of my boys just for squawking! Oh how they will live in the lap of luxury and bountiful blessings because they are spreading the word! Oh ho ho...they will do a lot of spreading in the congregations. Genius!!!

Third.....I need a gimmick. The Nazarene made it tough with that love stuff! Hmm? They did murder him though. I need an idol. Hmm...oh yeah! The murder tool! The cross! That can be my gimmick! They will forget all about that Jesus love your brother, blah, blah blah.....if I give them a symbol to worship and have them believe that everybody who doesn't worship it their way....goes directly to eternal hell and does not pass GO! Haaa....Genius!

Fourth....Muslims...Hmm? I already made them hate Jews. Hmm? How can I make them hate Christians? That's it! Infidels of course! Destroy the infidels! Hell yes! I can promise them 70 virgins and a mansion. Oh I am good...hehehehehe....

Fifth.....The Nazarene is really going to be pissed at me for this one. Have the religions believe that God is punishing mankind, killing innocent people....diseases, plagues, Paris Hilton, etc. Hmm?...Might as well throw in a few disasters! I love that contradiction...God of love kills and tortures for eternity! Oh I am sooooo deliciously devious.

Sixth.....That's it! I'll make the Christians hate each other over doctrine! Star Belly Sneeches! Thanks Seuss! The Cross Belly Christians.....Genius!

Seventh....Make them believe that my power is only in the secular world . It's hard to think that humans would be so ignorant to believe that I am restricted to places like Rome, Athens,Washington,Vegas,Cleveland, etc. The secular world bores me. Blah, blah...I've done it all. I can make them hate the secular world and keep to themselves, therefore retaining my influence in both through division.....Genius!

Eighth....I can make them think that if they give money to my religion, they will be rewarded ten fold in monetary value. Wow....I just turned the grace of love into lust for filthy money! They wont want his love! They will want my money! "More, yes, more, yes more," They'll cry! I can envision a Black Friday sale at Walmart! They will trample each other to get their Happy Birthday Nazarene goodies! Genius!

Ninth.....I have to keep confusion of the truth going. Hmm? Did the Dead Sea scrolls thing. Released hidden books of the bible and multiple opinionated versions. Hmm? Ah...that's it! Damn...it's been there all along! "What's in it for me?" Good old reliable greed. ROFL! They'll scream, "Nanny Nanny boo boo....I get a mansion and you go to hell!" Why do they always fall for that one? It's a spiritual mansion the Nazarene was speaking of....DUH! I had one but was evicted by YOU KNOW WHO!

Tenth.....Let me see....hmm? The icing on the cake. Oh...all the wonderful works they did in his name! I can't wait until the day he tells them,"Go away from me, I never knew you!" Genius!

Hmm? I am kind of wondering tho....Is God letting me do this? Naaaa...I'm a GENIUS!

Snake in the tree. Paper made of tree. Words are beautiful. Their interpretations are too often ugly.

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Comments 39 comments

nazishnasim 7 years ago

Pure genius! I simply loved the way how you went around the topic ... above it and below it ... but didn't hit the point and still did it in a way that it couldn't have been better! Touche!


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Hmmm. Ya know I like this. You can really think like the devil! (ps, love the poster!)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks nazishnasim....I just get curious and write. :)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Candie...yip...I got it from years of dealing with religion. :)


trooper22 profile image

trooper22 7 years ago from Chicago

ROFL!...That cartoon is a perfect icing on a very good cake!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Beautiful. ROFL.  The force is with you Tom.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

LAWL and assorted other Internet acronyms to denote amusement.


Pachuca213 7 years ago

You are a smart cookie Tom....and I would have thought you had the first one on one interview with Beelzebub himself....too bad most people can't read the writing on the wall....GOOD HUB! ~JJ


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Perfect!


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

If I really think about, as well as a laugh, Tom, you actually make sense.lol


alekhouse profile image

alekhouse 7 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

I love this, Tom. Good job. And the cartoon is perfect


ralwus 7 years ago

Hahaha, good T, I too have tried to think like him. Not hard really once you really get to know him. LOL


Pete Maida profile image

Pete Maida 7 years ago

Absolutely great! That's why I picked you as the hubber I would co-author a novel with.


Janetta 7 years ago

LOL thanks for the giggle :D


Not Telling profile image

Not Telling 7 years ago from Eastern Nowhere

Excellent work, Tom.


J-Mae 7 years ago

ROFLMAO!!!!!

OH How I wish my father in law would read this. OHHHH this is good stuff ..PURE GENIUS!!!!!!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks trooper22...devils food cake! :)

Jewels....thanks...grins! :)

Shadesbreath.....thank you. :)

Pachuca13....thank you...gonna write more about old Scratch. :)

Gypsy Willow...thank you. :)

Hawkesdream....it was an accident! :)

alekhouse...thanks...I love that cartoon! :)

ralwus.....thanks...not hard at all. :)

Pete...thank you.....writing with you would be very cool! :)


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

You have worked this so well, that the religions are lining up for your advertising space. LOL


eovery profile image

eovery 7 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

I am very religious and you hit the nail on the head, directly. Martin Luther said the Church of Christ was no longer on the earth. Well, Satan got involved. The Bible says there will be an falling away, and in some translation it says apostosy.

Will the full truth be on earth again?

Keep on Hubbing!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Janetta...thanks for the giggle! :_)

Not Telling...thank you! :)

J-Mae.....grins....in-laws! :)

Paper Moon...LOL ...I love irony! :)

eovery...good point...thanks! :)


shibashake profile image

shibashake 7 years ago

Shhhh Tom - you shouldn't be publishing all of your secrets for all to see. Next time use reverse Latin or at least Pig Latin ;)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

shibashake....mums the word! :)


Dr. Larkin profile image

Dr. Larkin 7 years ago from In the portrait of a madman

Don't forget "The View". Only Satan could've been responsible for that.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks Dr. Larkin........yes....absolutely! :)


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

Find a bible collage? Get ye to school Satan! Rofl.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Already got my GED.....God's Evil Demon! :)


fortunerep profile image

fortunerep 7 years ago from North Carolina

Great Hub!! and so true

dori


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks fortunerep...yes...soooo true! :)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks fortunerep.....so true indeed...grins! :)


liminal 7 years ago

The Devil you say! Very nicely done, great hub!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

liminal....thanks...grins! :)


Adam B 7 years ago

Funny Stuff. I look forward to your other hubs.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks Adam...going to read your stuff too. :)


lxxy profile image

lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

I couldn't have said it better!

Good VS Evil...as I believe your planet is what you make of it, heaven for many..hell for others, Satan is merely a representation of all of the bad actions, while God is the good.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks Ixxy.....Good vs Evil......well said.


GmaGoldie profile image

GmaGoldie 6 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

This is delightful - and as one commentator aptly stated pure genius - it has been stated before but not with the color you deliver. I will share with my friends. Thank yoU!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio Author

GmaGoldie...Thank you...I think Satan is mad at me because I revealed his secrets...he refuses to friend me on Facebook. :)


bugslady8949 profile image

bugslady8949 5 years ago from The Bahamas

this is a great way you did to show how Satan uses religion to make people do his biding. you did a great job.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 5 years ago from Ohio Author

bugslady.....thank you....He tends to be where least expected...in a very subtle way.

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